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DP's ex has told him she has cancer.

(463 Posts)
LuminousLaces Tue 06-Nov-12 13:06:43

Been with DP for around a year now, he split with his ex about a year before we met. She's had issues letting go, and has made things quite difficult for us. That said, I wish her no ill, and have met her at events a few times, as we work in the same sort of business. She doesn't know we're a couple.

A few weeks ago she told him that she been to the doctor, told she had cancer and that she needed chemo. This week she has told him the three sessions of chemo haven't done anything, that its too far gone for surgery and that she is now terminal.

DP is understandably upset - they were together for a long time, and as much as he is happier not being with her, he still cares about her. He's going to see her tomorrow night to find out exactly what is going on.

I don't really know what to say to him. I don't know how to be there for him without appearing to be interfering, because I don't know her very well, and don't want to appear like I'm suspicious or anything when I ask how she is.

Has anyone got any advice or suggestions as to how to deal with this?

Thanks.

(Have namechanged, by the way, as am quite identifiable from my normal screen name, and want to preserve both of their privacy.)

NettleTea Thu 13-Dec-12 11:12:43

Aggh, I still DONT understand why you havent mentioned the big lies to him.....

LuminousLaces Thu 13-Dec-12 13:48:31

I haven't told him about the big lies because of the nature of them. They would upset him, massively. And in the slim possibility that she is actually ill (even if she is exaggerating etc) I don't think its fair for me to damage his memory of her, if the worst should happen. She spent at least the last few years of their relationship on a destruction mission, damaging the opinions others held of him. Because of that, I also don't want to ruin his mental security. Because if I told him what she had been saying, the fact she had said it at all would destroy him, swiftly followed by the fact that other people would have been thinking these horrible things for the last few years.

Zombies, that link is really useful, thank you. I might mention the statistics. Its sounds even less plausible having read that.

I don't know if she is off work, I haven't actually asked him.

Degerd, I'm sorry to hear about your DH, I do hope he's okay now. Yes it wouldn't surprise me if that's what she's aiming for, she's certainly desperate enough to try that.

I feel hideously sorry for the woman, actually, whether this is true or not. She is obviously highly insecure and that is another reason I am hesitant to tell him about her lies.

If we lived closer to each other, I would possibly speak to her, but we are a good hour apart, and I don't drive. Did consider sending her a Christmas card, but she would tell DP, who would then ask me why on earth I had done that... No, it just gets way too complicated.

forgetmenots Thu 13-Dec-12 14:08:39

last time: it isn't about her, it's about your DP continuing with this, regardless of motive, and your inability to raise this for fear of everything except the only thing you should be fearful of: him (with your implicit support) putting her needs first, regardless of whether he sees that or not.

Unless you're willing to act, you're waiting on a development from her. She is in control. I'm sorry LL but I really don't think any of the good advice is going to help you at the moment, you're stuck because you and DP have chosen to be. Take the focus off her story. There are still problems. Deal with those.

stifnstav Sat 22-Dec-12 11:26:06

How are things OP?

DeafLeopard Tue 15-Jan-13 22:46:09

Was thinking about this thread yesterday and wondering how things are going Luminous

LuminousLaces Wed 30-Jan-13 23:46:36

Hi Leopard, no update, really. He's decided she is not coming to the work event that we will all be at at the end of March, no matter how well she says she is feeling, though I confess I am still partially waiting for a miraculous recovery just in time.

Whenever I ask how the ex is, he hasn't spoken to her since the last time I asked, or she is avoiding the question. From the way he's talking about it, I think he is now skeptical if he wasn't before.

A few issues have come up between us that we're trying to work on - mainly centered around (and emotionally fueled by) some problems for him work wise. Hopefully she is okay, and she will get bored when she realises he isn't willing to run to her side every time she calls.

Lueji Thu 31-Jan-13 05:30:23

I'm sure he must be getting skeptical.
My first reaction now at seeing the thread title was, hasn't she died yet? (not that I expected her to, I didn't believe her)

LuminousLaces Mon 11-Feb-13 00:36:07

Update;

Was brave tonight and told him about some of the lies as they came up again in a conversation with someone else this afternoon... He knew about them. He'd known about them for a while, said they had spoken about them a long while back (before I met him), when she had admitted to them, and apologised.

He seemed to be relieved that I knew, actually, because he then told me she has - as I suspected she would - tried to do the whole "I'm dying, you need to be with me", and that on top of other emotionally controlling bullshit that has happened for years has made him suspicious, but he hadn't wanted to say anything, as, like I said way back at the beginning of this thread, who the hell wants to accuse someone of lying about cancer?!

I feel better to have had this conversation with him and kind of wish I had asked him way back when blush But as it is I have now.

caramelwaffle Mon 11-Feb-13 00:41:58

You sound relieved: communication is the key.
Good luck with everything.

LuminousLaces Mon 11-Feb-13 01:06:23

Definitely relieved. I'm so pleased to hear that although he is upset for her that she feels the need to tell these lies, he's not longer so emotionally invested.

Also no longer feel that I'm keeping something from him, which is a wonderful weight off my shoulders, selfishly.

He's distanced himself from her massively, which again, is better for him as an individual, and us as a couple, and we can work on our relationship without her overhanging it now.

Yes... Very very relieved.

dundeo Mon 11-Feb-13 01:10:26

Does she know about your relationship yet?

BerylStreep Fri 22-Feb-13 20:14:44

LuminousLaces, how are things going?

I saw this story about a woman fraudulently claiming she had cancer and thought of you. It would appear to be a fairly common scam judging from posts on here.

Anyway, hope all is well.

BerylStreep Fri 22-Feb-13 20:18:29

Oh, I have ust noticed you updated recently - don't know how I missed this on my 'threads I'm on list'. Glad to hear it's all out in the open between you both.

How are you feeling - didn't you have a health issue of your own to contend with?

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