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Sexless relationships

(56 Posts)
Bubblenut Sun 04-Nov-12 22:39:21

Can a relationship be fine if there is limited or no sex?

Offred Wed 07-Nov-12 19:52:45

And I'm not speaking from an ivory tower either. Mostly I'm influenced by the experience of a partially retaliatory affair in an abusive relationship. It was not right, I behaved terribly, it hurt the OM really badly, it made things much worse all round.

Offred Wed 07-Nov-12 19:49:51

I haven't commented on whether leaving is easy or hard. It is simply my opinion that cheating is always wrong. Being wrong is not the end of the world. Sometimes being wrong is understandable BUT someone doing you wrong does not give you "a right" to do them wrong. I think that is a pretty despicable (and pointless and life ruining) attitude. I have also said i agree darkest, obviously, is perfectly entitled to seek extramarital sex, that is not the same as saying she is entitled to seek extramarital sex secretly. It is nothing to do with the sex or with monogamy, it is the cheating and the covering up of a lack of desire for a part of the relationship the other wants; the deceit (on both sides) that is the part that is wrong. Nothing can make that kind of behaviour right in my eyes (although I appreciate something being not wrong is not the same as it being right). It just seems terribly miserable and pointless from all perspectives.

Helltotheno Wed 07-Nov-12 19:16:12

Offred I don't think anyone would disagree that the obvious solution if something's not working is to get out. See in real life though, that's not always easy for people from a logistics perspective or for other reasons.

If someone opts out of the sex and they're not bothered changing the status quo, imo that person's partner is well within his/her right to get it elsewhere and I do agree with SGB that it shouldn't be a big deal... in refusing to do something about a problem, you're or less tacitly saying your partner can take the matter into his/her own hands. That's the way I'd read it anyway. I certainly don't think it should involve endless months and years of heads being banged against walls trying to change a situation that's not going to change.

Offred Wed 07-Nov-12 19:05:08

What are you talking about now darkest? You appear to be responding to a point I never actually made. I have ALWAYS said hiding asexuality or a desire to end the sexual part of a relationship and/or refusing to talk about it is WRONG. As is having an affair (wrong but understandable but still wrong - repeat ad infinitum) but your partner is not to blame for a choice to stay in that situation and it does not give a license to behave wrongly yourself. Why is that so difficult to understand? You seem to be looking at this marriage as some kind of tug of war with your husband and if people think what you did is wrong then you assume they must be saying your husband is right. The most important thing seems to be who is right and who is wrong to you, who is considered to have the upper hand. Well I think it is a mess. You don't get points for staying in a shit relationship and I really just don't get all the blather about hetero-monogamy from sgb when actually what she seems to be advocating here is staying in a shit relationship and doing anything you can in order to remain in that shit relationship where each of you treat each other badly competitively. in order to keep up the appearance of some kind of monogamy

MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour Wed 07-Nov-12 18:07:47

Why does my iPad think I want to say of when I want to say if?! Sorry about that

MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour Wed 07-Nov-12 18:06:21

I agree that sexless relationships can and do work of both people are ok with it

Of they're not I think it's a recipe for disaster

I also think having an affair isn't the worst thing you can do, I can totally see why some people get to that point. Is it great? No but it's not illegal and sometimes it works out for the best. Often things are not completely black and white

Darkesteyes Wed 07-Nov-12 17:56:44

So sorry to hear that Waiting. I dont blame you in the slightest. i think i would have done the same.
In my case though DH isnt affectionate in or out of the home. So in a way at least thats a bit more honest.
In fact an ex work colleugue of mine went to give him a quick thankyou hug after we had given her a lift home from my old night shift job.
He nearly jumped out of his skin.
She apologised and said that she is quite a touchy feely person and thats how she expresses thanks.
DH glared at her and said "Well im not" So people around us know that he isnt taciturn anyway.

WaitingForMe Wed 07-Nov-12 17:43:46

My relationship with my ex was a bit like "Dave" and "Maria" Darkesteyes. I think that was the hardest bit. I remember one day him making a comment on a night out and I just flipped and said it was all bullshit and that actually he was frigid.

Not my best moment admittedly but I used to feel I was going mad when I lived with him.

Darkesteyes Wed 07-Nov-12 17:22:10

Offred so you want to talk about dishonesty so here goes.
In last months issue of Easy Living there was a very big article on sexless marriages. There were several examples including the example of "Dave" and "Maria" (not their real names obvs) They havent had sex for well over a year but when she broaches the subject he doesnt want to know.
HOWEVER when they are out in public he is very taciturn and touchy feely and affectionate.
But at home he doesnt want to know. Now if there is nothing wrong with what he is doing at home and it is not abusive to withhold affection then he shouldnt need to put on a show in public should he? BUT HE DOES. And ive seen threads on here which have mirrored this couple.

Oblomov Wed 07-Nov-12 16:55:04

SolidGold:
"Look, deciet is actually, really, not that big a deal."

were you refering to little white lies here: does my bum look big in that dress...
or were you refering to deceit as in an 'affair'.

We all know affairs are very damaging. Then are 100's of threads on Mn, from ladies (and Men) who have found out that their dh/dp/dw has had an affair.
Surely you can't argue that they are not damaging.

Offred Wed 07-Nov-12 16:43:06

And there is a MASSIVE gap between actively deceitful and totally honest btw.

Offred Wed 07-Nov-12 16:42:09

Monogamy is nothing to do with this. cheating is not unique to hetero-monogamous relationships it is a completely unrelated point. Deceit is quite a big deal actually and cheating is pretty abusive.

BelaLugosisShed Wed 07-Nov-12 16:35:37

So now you know people, being lied to is no big deal and if your partner is shagging someone else, it's best to just "get over it". hmm

Deceit is actually a very big deal deal to anyone with an ounce of emotional intelligence - you only have to read this board to see the damage done by a lying partner.

Honesty isn't "grim", it's vital in a healthy and happy relationship.

SolidGoldYESBROKEMYSPACEBAR Wed 07-Nov-12 16:12:25

Look, deciet is actually, really, not that big a deal. People who are totally honest are actually really fucking grim to live with, because 'honesty' generally means never keeping your trap shut when you have an opportunity to say something negative. I'm all in favour of the pragmatic lie in a tight situation.

People make far, far too much of a fuss about couple relationships and heteromonogamy, and I think anything short of deliberate abuse of a partner is just part of life and should be got over.

Darkesteyes Wed 07-Nov-12 15:18:36

Hello Hell. thanks

Helltotheno Wed 07-Nov-12 10:43:20

Our marriage is open on my side now but it had to go through a lot to get to this stage

Glad to hear that carer / Darkest, I remember some of your other posts and I don't blame you at all. Life is short....

notanotherstatistic Wed 07-Nov-12 10:36:43

And in the long run resolving it by having an affair rarely helps either person in these sorts of relationships.

notanotherstatistic Wed 07-Nov-12 10:34:42

I think the point being made by Offred is about deceit and respecting one's partner. Monogamy has very little to do with it. Yes, SolidGold..., I totally agree that marriage and monogamy are social constructs, but when two people have signed up to that construct, one of them having an affair is deceitful. This shouldn't be about tit for tat, but about resolving what is clearly a deal-breaker for Darkesteyes.

OneMoreChap Wed 07-Nov-12 10:13:19

SolidGoldYESBROKEMYSPACEBAR
Also, it takes guts for a woman to have an affair when she's married to a man who is selfish (and to withdraw sex unilaterally and refuse to discuss it is selfish)

I'd have said that's not gender specific.

Affairs are often the best way of escaping a bad situation.

Been there, done that. I regret it. I should have just left, and I tend to agree with Offred a bit.

I do wonder how it would be received if a man said, "Well, I love her, but no sex is a dealbreaker, so I'm leaving." Some posters, I'm sure, would say victim blame - "Well, why doesn't she want to have sex with you...".

Darkesteyes Wed 07-Nov-12 00:23:12

biscuit

Offred Wed 07-Nov-12 00:17:05

The fact you tried to talk for seven years and were met with refusal doesn't make me think having an affair was right it makes me think "why would anyone put up with being so completely stonewalled by their spouse?" It doesn't give you some kind of martyrdom points that you can spend on secret extramarital sex, it just makes you disingenuous, most especially to yourself and secondly to your husband.

Offred Wed 07-Nov-12 00:14:25

Having an affair IS lying otherwise it would be an open relationship and not an affair. You chose to have an affair rather than leave when you were aware of his refusal to discuss things.

Darkesteyes Wed 07-Nov-12 00:10:23

i never lied to him Offred. I tried to broach the subject many times over the course of SEVEN YEARS before the affair.

Darkesteyes Wed 07-Nov-12 00:07:11

Hi Solid. I was 19 when i met DH. Im now 39. I used to post as carernotasaint. im beginning to see things so differently since rediscovering feminism last year at the age of 38.
i know that if i met the sexiest most loving man on earth tommorrow i would still never marry again.
Our marriage is open on my side now but it had to go through a lot to get to this stage.

Offred Wed 07-Nov-12 00:05:02

No darkest as you well know I am NOT saying he didn't do you wrong. I am simply saying doing wrong to him in retaliation for a wrong done to you is not right. Both of you have done wrong to each other.

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