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Anyone else celibate and happy?(27 Posts)
I've been celibate for about three years and I've got to say these have been the most content and relaxed three years I've had since I lost my virginity at 15.
I think I began to realise that the drama surrounding men and relationships was too much like hard work for me. I also have two DS's 8 and 11 and don't want to muck up their lives by bringing men into their lives unnecessarily. They still have a lot of involvement with their Dad so have a good male role model.
I suppose the reason I'm asking is that while having a conversation about our sex lives among recently new friends, I told them That I hadn't had sex for 3 years... My god! They looked at me in total shock and couldn't believe their ears. I think they pitied me and started saying things like " don't worry We'll get you a man" I took it in my stride though and we moved on to another topic.
It has got me thinking though, am I really in such a minority? Surely I can't be?
I have a few friends who are basically circumstantially celibate- as in they are not in relationships and don't do casual shagging ( as opposed to them being committed to lifelong celibacy). They all seem perfectly happy. They have a lot of friends, travel, go out a lot, have interesting jobs. Basically they suit themselves!! I'm personally not celibate but I certainly don't think it's odd that people are, or would want to be. Our society's obsession with sex is seriously boring.
I am pretty sure I haven't had sex for about 3 years- even though my partner moved out only a year ago!
Like you I have 2 young DCs, and it has not been something I have really been too worried about. Funnily enough, now I have met someone I am quite keen on, I am thinking about the possibility more.
It's all about what's going on in your life at the time I think!
You're not alone, Blaaah. I've been essentially single & celibate for 17 years! DH left when children were small. I had a brief relationship with a tosser in the early days; a fuckbuddy for a couple of years until I got fed up with it being on his terms; a really nice but long-distance relationship that had run its course after 3 years - and that's it. I have a busy job & that, with raising DCs, took all my energy & I just didn't feel I could legitimately market myself as 'available' with online dating - no time, & babysitting hassles! Like you, too, it felt dimpler to just be 'me & DCs' - if anyone came along who fitted in to the picture I wouldn't have turned them away, but I didn't want to go looking & invite the wrong person in & regret it. Now they are older I've dabbled in OD but found it a complete waste of time, so single - and hence celibate - I stay! My philosophy is that I have to be happy being single, because that's the only thing I have any control over - and if I'm happy, I'm more likely to attract a new DP! I have to say, though, I sometimes think my epitaph could be 'I would have liked more sex'.....
I've been lurking for a long time and this is my first post so really appreciate your replies
Rich, yes I would say it has been circumstantial for me too, but as time's gone on it has become more of a choice. I totally agree that society does have an obsession with sex and if you're not getting it somehow you must be down to being unable to attract a man.
Squeegle, I bet so many women could say the same about marriage or long term relationships. I think also when a relationship ends that people can feel pressured into going out and getting back on the market and shagging someone for the sake of it. Like you if someone came along and it felt right I wouldn't avoid sex, I just feel more relaxed about not having sex.
Walk, I was so happy to read your reply. Your story is basically the same as mine. I split with the boys Dad around eight years ago, seen a couple of tossers, did the OD thing ( OMG plenty of fish!) Then came to the realisation that life can be easier without the complication of sex.
I'm 38 and have thought about when DS's are around about 18, then it will be my time to start getting involved sexually with men again. If I meet someone before then of course I will go for it, but it would need to be someone really special. I have the same philosophy as you regarding being single, so when I decide to eventually let someone in my life again hopefully he's a higher calibre than some of the choices I've made previously (Wishful thinking!)
Feeling more empowered, thank you!
My philosophy is that I have to be happy being single, because that's the only thing I have any control over - and if I'm happy, I'm more likely to attract a new DP! I have to say, though, I sometimes think my epitaph could be 'I would have liked more sex'.....
Ha ha, Walk! I think that about sums it up for me too.
I suppose I am, though I think about sex a lot (but then I am writing an erotic novel, so am bound to(. I haven't actually had any for a year or so, just been busy, stressed, otherwise engaged etc.
Mind you for me it's more a case of not wanting a relationship of any kind. I think I might wander off to a swingers' club fairly soon just for a bit of NSA fun.
Well over 2 years and not really counting. I don't miss it at all.
I haven't had sex in four years, not bothered in the slightest
I am celibate and haven't had sex for ages - was in a sexless relationship for a long time and am now single.
I have absolutely no desire to meet someone - the thought of sitting down 'getting to know' a man makes me shudder, and love the whole business of being single. But I would like to have sex with someone, but don't really know how to go about that without listening to some bloke's bullshit as a preamble. And I don't fancy a one niht stand with a stranger. So celibate I am, better get used to it!
Must say if celibacy is the price foer being single and completely independent, well I am happy to pay that price. Its better than the alternative.
"the thought of sitting down 'getting to know' a man makes me shudder"
I hear you on that one.
FOr me I think it's partly been hormones as well as being busy (am 47 and perimenopausal/menopausal). But I would be sorry to think I'd never have any again.
Still, I think everyone should do what makes them happy. It's just unfortunate that in a general way women are supposed to pursue relationships rather than sex, so a woman who is either celibate or up for the occasional shag with someone she has no interest in taking it further with, is equally commented on and given unwanted advice and even condemned.
People look at me like when I say I don't want o have a relationship. It's all 'ooh there's someone perfect out there for you' and 'you won't be left on the shelf'.
There may well be someone perfect out there for me, but he can stay away from me and wash his own socks.
There is nothing wrong with being single and planning to remain so, but people think you're mad, bitter or sad. <Sigh>
"aww, you'll find someone soon" or "You never know, he may be just around the corner!" in that annoyingly sing song voice.
What part of "I don't want a bloke in my life" is so hard for people to understand?
It's been over 2 years for me and I'm very happy to be single
still shuddering over the bad sex in the death throes of my last relationship
I simply can't be arsed with it all anymore. I've had loads of sex in my life - probably more than most - and it's liberating not to have to worry about how attractive I am or not, or being judged by tossers who only want one thing. I don't meet many men in my daily life so it's likely that I'll stay celibate forever, which is absolutely fine by me. Occasionally I feel like I miss physical intimacy but I really don't want all the gubbins that goes with the territory.
Oh and my friends smile sadly and tell me that every pot has a lid. Uh huh! <rolls eyes>
Snap I am happy being celibate have been most of my life when I look back tried OD found it a waste of time , had brief encounter but it was long distance so not going anywhere and I always was glad when he left , and I got my routine back, work full-time so like the majority of woman I think, where would I get the time, so much hard work all that getting to know each other , maybe my epitaph will read the same , had a good life but could have done with more sex!!
It was never the sex I missed when single, it was the being in love and being loved. That heady romance. Some women have told me they never had that. After years of marriage that does wane, but in my case was replaced by a loving warm feeling.
I think I had the heady romance and me and XP deeply loved each other. But then it all turned to ratshit in the end anyway.
I actually haven't had sex for so long that the whole idea of it seems extraordinary. I can't imagine how on earth in real life people end up tumbling into bed.
I am now widowed and live on my own, and although I miss my DH, would not like anyone else sharing my bed and don't miss the "tumbling" into bed at all. Last time that happened was 1995 < smiles at the memory>
I must be the lone ranger then that's kinda gagging for it :-)
Haven't been laid in over 6 months and there were weeks when I physically suffered and desperately craved it (I know how lame that sounds). My marriage is pretty much over but I'm not ready for dating by any means. There is a man in my life again now, he lives in another country but just knowing we will be together some day in the coming months has taken away my anxiety
I've also been single for over a year, and feel like I ought to be "gagging" for it. I used to like sex a lot, and used to subscribe to the old "getting under someone, to get over someone" principle.
But like GetOrf says it just all seems so much hassle now, the dating, listening to boring men talk about themselves.
I can't believe I am so over it though, but everything else seems so fine - busy job, lovely DS etc that the idea of letting a man into my life (even temporarily just seems bizarre.
It's been over two years since I had sex and although I occasionally miss it I am much happier than I ever have been in a relationship. I think I'm naturally suited to the single/celibate life. Having said that I would be sorry never to have sex again... but am only in mid-30s so expect it will happen at some point.
I agree with a lot of what getorf has to say.
Personally, that part of my life is over and I am really not interested in men or sex any longer. I do have lots of other interests - losing the will he/won't he angst has been immensely liberating.
It is liberating isn't it. Just unshackling myself from a man's tiresome ego has been immensely freeing. And the fact I do not have to live my entire life as a series of what seems like endless compromises.
But bloody hell I would lobe a good snog. Albeit without the doom-laden feeling of having to have a conversation prior to it.
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