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angry and not sure whether I'm being heartless

(93 Posts)
Fairylea Sun 21-Oct-12 06:52:25

My dh has had a really crap year or so with employment. He's on his third job in the last year. The first one he packed in because it was cold calling and he gets quite phobic about having to ring people so he more or less decided he was unable to do it (it wasn't advertised as cold calling). He then worked for a retail company and got sacked during his probationary period after a lot of problems - he said he didn't receive any proper training and the others seemed to deliberately exclude him and he felt they bullied him. Now he has a new job which he's had for the last 6 months or so and the same thing is happening again.

He is a manager and his main problem is that he seems to try to get on with everyone and gets very hurt and upset that they don't include him but I have explained that as a manager they are likely to make him separate as that is the nature of being a boss... he did something a bit stupid and ended up being late for a big meeting because he got on the wrong train with two employees. He knew he was on the wrong train but went along with it because the others wanted to be late. He then received a disciplinary for this.

Yesterday he remembered he'd made another silly mistake at work so he rang and owned up to it. His manager told him to email the area manager explaining it which he has done. He has not heard anything back and isn't likely to till his appraisal intw/o weeks. He is now in a deep depression convinced he is worthless and about to get sacked again.

I have sympathy for him. Of course I do. I am on maternity leave and we have a ds 4 months and also dd aged 9 from my previous relationship. I was a single mum for several years befo're I met dh.

But I'm also if I'm honest quite annoyed he seems to have this "I'm worthless" depressive attitude ... but will not take medication or talk to anyone. I have had severe depression myself so I do try to understand.

If he loses his job I could return to work so we wouldn't lose the house. Our mortgage is very small so we could manage. It is a pride thing with my husband. He thinks no one likes him.

Meanwhile I am knackered... ds has just started to
Sleep through till 6am everyday but today was dh turn to get up with him as I do it everyday and he woke up in a terrible mood saying he'd had two hours sleep worrying about work so I said I'd get up again... as I do every bloody day.

I'm also struggling with things with my mum and my hair is falling out !! Long stories. I feel so tired and stressed and worried about my dh and his job etc.

sad

Fairylea Tue 01-Jan-13 16:45:23

Yes that's very true. Of course I wouldn't intentionally force myself onto benefits. I was just saying IF the worst happened I'm sure we would manage one way or another. To put things in perspective our mortgage is covered by dds maintenance payment minus an extra £100. But it wouldn't be easy with bills etc. Our bills are very high, but that's our own fault as to be honest we have the heating very hotand use a lot of electricity etc!

I'm going to find out about childminders and nannies tomorrow. Lots of things to think about really.

RandomMess Tue 01-Jan-13 16:38:27

With the way things are I wouldn't assume you'll get any help from the state anymore, it's just the way things are going, but if you're not earning at all it's about £70 per person that you will get in benefits, and I heard something about council tax benefit is being abolished/changedshock

Fairylea Tue 01-Jan-13 16:33:38

Thanks random, that's actually not true as you would receive the maximum child tax credits, which we have before when we were both struggling for a bit. Working tax credits do stop however. And of course from April universal credit is coming in so things will be quite different then anyway. At the moment dh is working and I am on maternity leave till may so it's just a "what if" ...

Thank you shattereddreams... if it is a phase I hope it passes quickly..

It's a relationship phase. Ups and downs. You are allowed them. You don't have to be perfect all the time.
Please try to give yourself a break, an emotional one not a physical one. <<hug>>

RandomMess Tue 01-Jan-13 15:55:25

If neither of you are working you won't be receiving tax credits...

Fairylea Tue 01-Jan-13 13:36:05

Thank you for all your ideas and perspectives. I with get a list of childminders and find out a bit more about it. I'm still very hesitant. I have to be honest and say I'm not very worried about the long term effects of being a sahm as we have a tiny mortgage really compared to a lot of people so should everything go absolutely tits up I could probably pay this just with dds maintenance money from my ex and whatever else incoming I'd have from tax credits etc. At least until I could pick up another part time job... my mum has recently got numerous jobs after being unemployed for 20 years and me writing her cv (used to work in recruitment) so I know it can be done.... its just whether its the right thing to do now or not.

Thank you for the ideas though, you've made me think maybe it is possible.

I suppose I'm also worried about looking back like I do with dd now and feeling I missed so much and was so worried about work and money and everything else.

And you're absolutely right when you say now I can be angry with dh I am very very angry with him for everything I guess. I just feel even though it's unfair of me it's all coming out now. I can't actually bear to talk to him about anything really. But then I feel that way about everyone.

Thing is by doing that I realise I am jepardising all the hard work he's done byggetting on at work and taking the meds. Because I'm pushing him under. Which makes me angry with myself..... !

New years eve was horrible. We didn't talk all evening and I went to bed at 9.30. I could hear him saying "for fucks sake" to himself in exasperation. Neither of us said happy new year or kissed or anything. We didn't talk this morning except pleasantries over ds (dd was in bed).. dh is at work today.

I'm really feeling like I'm checking out of everything. I feel like I just don't give a shit about any of it beyond making sure the kids are ok and we're all fed and watered.

I feel I don't have any energy or time for anything. I might as well be dead. I'm not saying I'm suicidal. I'm not. I'm just invisible. And going to work won't solve that, I hate working too.

I'm just angry with my life I suppose. I'm sorry. I just need to vent.

TheFallenNinja Tue 01-Jan-13 13:06:44

I never believe that you have made it in management unless your name us on the back of the big door. Your not there to be liked. Your there to be responsible for others productivity.

The difference between being a liked manager and an unliked one occurs in the first day you have to say no to something.

freeandhappy Tue 01-Jan-13 12:48:36

It sound like now that your dh is functioning a bit more the feelings of anger with him, which you suppressed in order to look after/help him are coming out. It's very reasonable for you to be massively pissed off, exhausted by it all and feel sad. So take your time, get rested. Maybe it just has to be processed and then you can start forgiving and healing. I hope he keeps improving.

IDontDoIroning Tue 01-Jan-13 12:39:34

At 9 or nearly 10 by the summer dd will be old enough to go to summer play scheme holiday clubs etc or a good childminder will organise activities etc.

It's quite common for childminders to do after school for an hour or two, or there may be clubs after school.

I really don't think your child are options are as limited as you think.

If I were you I would make it clear to your dh that your are going back to work and he has x months to try to get better ie not staying up playing games getting proper sleep, taking his mess seeing gp regularly and if necessary getting counselling for his anxiety. Make it clear that him staying home doing nothing is not an option.

Your dh is clearly dragging you down too, and he must take responsibility for getting better whether this involves a job or not.

RandomMess Tue 01-Jan-13 11:22:18

It's quite normal for childminders to have children after school and then full time in the holidays. You could probably work longer days in the school hols 3 days per week which would keep your employer happy.

I seriously would go back otherwise your future options with your dh and your finances will be very limited.

A childminder would be best. DH takes my DD to school and hand over my DS to our childminder. She has DS all day, collects DD from school and I collect after work. 3 days a week.
In school hols she has them all day.

Call council, ask for Family Information Service and request list of childminders registered in your area, ask school office for a list of known minders too.

I agree, get back to work. I feel like my days at work are easy days and my children get the best and happy mummy on their two days a week.

Fairylea Tue 01-Jan-13 09:09:42

Thanks I do take your point but I really don't know how it would work. My job is 3 days a week from 10 - 4.30 and the busiest time is during the school holidays. They would actually be looking for me to work more then, not work less or take holidays. During term time I could take dd to school and drop ds at nursery next door but it's the after school bit for dd which is hard as it would only be an hour and a half - how many childminders or nannies would do that? And then during summer suddenly up their hours? Hmmm. I'm thinking maybe I should even look for another job. I really don't know.

I thought about asking for unpaid leave during the summer but as that is their busiest time I know they would be horrified at that suggestion.

I don't feel comfortable leaving ds with a nanny or anyone (other alternative to hire a full time nanny for ds who also looks after dd after school 3 days a week)... even with all the reference checks etc I just wouldn't be happy.

I worked full time when dd was little for a long time and I know you can't get that time back.

Saying that I'm not enjoying being at home with ds either. So god knows what I'm supposed to do. Misery guts aren't I.

I'm just so exhausted I want to go to bed at 9 every night , which I have been doing but obviously dh is lonely and our relationship has all but disappeared.

Saturday was awful as I woke up in a terrible mood and didn't want to do anything so dh took ds out for the afternoon and I stayed home. Dh had hoped we would do something together. I feel like digging my heels in and not doing anything but I don't really know why. He hasn't done anything wrong.

I am also angry that I have no family support at all. I don't want the burden and responsibility of friends in real life, I havent got the energy for it but I feel so angry that when dd was little I had my.mum to look after dd sometimes and now due to circumstances I don't have that anymore. Feel I never ever get a break. But then the way I feel now I could have a break for a week and it wouldn't be enough.

RandomMess Tue 01-Jan-13 07:12:53

I would seriously look for a childminder who could take on your dd as well during the school holidays. Obviously you and your dh can use your hols up during school hols so she wouldn't have to go much.

If you do not return to work at all you are leaving yourself very very vulnerable financially. As a SAHM who returned to work after 6 years I would go back in time and work part time throughout instead.

Hardly fair of him to be upset with you after all the support you gave him, is it? He can't put you into a really stressful situation and not expect it to have any impact. Go to the doctor, get yourself sorted, don't make any final decisions until you need to (ie a month before return date).

As a SAHM, I strongly advise going back to work. I have a new job starting soon and am looking forward to having a level of independence again.

Can you arrange to go back part time? Use your and DH's annual leave to cover holidays?

Fairylea Tue 01-Jan-13 06:45:24

Come back to offload and update.

The new job seems to be going ok. So far. He seems happy there. They seem to like him. He is still amazingly enough taking the anti anxiety medication and seems a lot calmer.

But this last week or so I have been feeling spectacularly depressed. With everything really. I will probably end up going to the doctors. I just need to write here as well.

I realised I cannot return to work (not that I wanted to, but I hate having choices removed from me) as it occurred to me that even with tax credits paying some child care I would still lose a lot of my salary and with two different aged children it becomes very complicated with nursery and or nannies and after school care etc all for 3/4 days a week.... it's my 9.year old.that makes things difficult as obviously during the holidays she will need additional care and I can't just suddenly put her in summer care. She would hate it. And during term time ds would need a nursery place and then I'd have to provide care for dd too... and I don't think I'd feel happy with a nanny. There is no family to ask.

So. I am stuck. Really until ds starts school. I don't earn enough to make it work..and I don't want to work full time..I couldn't do it with my health problems. I'm worn out as it is.

Ds has started sleeping better / later. But I'm finding everything a nightmare. I am drained and fed up. I don't want to go anywhere or do anything because doing anything with a baby is such a hassle. I'm happy with ds, you know playing and cuddling and smiling. But I'm aware it's very much fake it to make it. I can barely talk to my dh right now. We just spent the last few days hardly talking. He is upset with me.

I just feel fed up to the point I want to go on holiday and not come back but I won't.

ChippingInAWinterWonderland Wed 12-Dec-12 15:39:04

It's a start Fairylea.

I would do two things though - plan on going back to work when your ML is up. I know you wanted to stay home with DS, but given the situation, I think mentally planning to go back is a much better idea. At least then you are certain DS (and you and DD) will have a roof over his head, even if he doesn't have you at home with him as you planned sad

I would see a family lawyer - get a free half hour apt and see if you can get some idea of what your financial situation would be if you told him to leave. There is no harm in asking and knowing where you would stand. Knowledge is power.

I hope that things do work out with DH - but you can't stay in an awful situation just because of the financial situation. You will end up in the same state he is in.

FWIW I don't think people change this much, this quickly - I think he had managed to keep a brave face on when he was in his comfort zone. I think old friends of his and family would be unsurprised at how he is now. You coped as a lone parent before, you could again.

As for DS - you have to knock this 'morning at 4.30 thing on the head. Shush pat/CC/later to bed, whatever it takes. Also look at his daytime naps - is he getting enough/too much sleep in the day. You can't keep this up.

ThreeTomatoes Wed 12-Dec-12 13:34:06

That's good news Fairylea, a good first step. I hope things start getting better now.

Fairylea Wed 12-Dec-12 13:09:15

Thank you for all the replies.

Just thought I would update that dh went to the GP yesterday and they gave him some anti anxiety medication, which he has started to take today (so he tells me, bit worried he might suddenly stop but I have to give him the benefit of the doubt)..

He has managed to go into work today. Amazingly they have kept his job open and although they don't know the truth they have been very nice....

How long this holds out for I really don't know but I guess I need to be positive. Going to the doctors and getting pills is a massive step for him.

foofooyeah Tue 11-Dec-12 13:14:45

Oh Fairy, I feel so sorry for you. So much shit going on. I dont have anything to offer that hasnt already been said.

Fairylea Tue 11-Dec-12 07:01:56

Thanks, that's what I keep saying to him.. I don't necessarily want him to go to work (although that would be great but not like this!) But I want him to get some help and try and be positive about getting some help. I've explained that for me its the constant uncertainty. The ups and downsa'll the time. It's horrible.

I'm going to try and drag him to the doctors today.

ThreeTomatoes Tue 11-Dec-12 06:52:13

I think rather than get angry at him for freaking out like this, you should now take the "I'm worried about you, there's a serious problem here, you need help" approach. And if he doesn't do anything about it (go to the doc, etc) then seriously start thinking about leaving him (even if temporarily while he sorts himself out) - maybe the prospect of losing his wife and DC will goad him into action? Nobody can live like this (like he does I mean), and it's not fair of him to expect you to live with the consequences of it either without trying to sort it. & I don't necessarily mean force himself to go into work etc - he's clearly got major anxiety issues of some sort and needs professional help.

Fairylea Tue 11-Dec-12 06:15:07

Thanks... if I do have to go back to work I would have to use a nursery. Don't worry, I won't be giving ds the romanian orphanage experience! ... I don't think dh would ignore him perhaps but I don't think he'd engage as much as I do, because of his depression at the moment. My job is extremely badly paid so ironically tax credits would pay most of the childcare. Of course I feel annoyed at facing paying someone else to do the job I wanted to do sad I realise I have maternity allowance and leave until march.
Yesterday was a disaster. I drove him to work, with ds in the back asleep. Dh doesn't drive. His training is in a different town 25 miles away. He spent the morning in tears and I just knew he wouldn't go in but he wouldn't make a decision so we all got in the car and when we got there we sat in the car park and he broke down in tears saying he just can't do it, is scared he can't do it etc.

I said I'm not making decisions for him so we sat like that for half an hour and then he.opened the door and shut it again and had a panic attack.... more crying etc. In the end he didn't go in and got angry with me for suggesting he gave it a go..I said the training days would help him but he says he just can't do it.

Cue lots of crying and arguing on the way home. Him saying I don't love him anymore, that he's a fuck up etc. Me saying that's not true but I'm.angry and frustrated. And I was angry I wasted nearly two hours driving him there and back and petrol from our house account too when money is now.tight !!!

We spent the rest of the day putting on a front for ds (who slept the whole journey there and back).

Dh is going to try and go to the doctors today. He is now saying he will go to work on Wednesday when the work becomes local. For gods sake! It's just like one thing after another until he gets sacked... which I'm surprised he isn't yet!

He.has missed all the training days so it's almost.like he's fulfilling his.prophecy of failing before he starts!

I don't think I want or could leave..he's clearly unwell. The man I married is in there somewhere, surely. I can't face arguing over ds and the house..I don't think he could cope with ds for contact on his own to be honest. He wouldn't leave the house and neither would I. We have half the equity in the house which was mine before we.met and he is effectively buying the other half through our joint mortgage. If we split now he could argue half the equity is his from what it is now and it isn't.

Just plod along I guess.

gettingeasier Mon 10-Dec-12 17:56:55

To me its about the desired outcome.

Assuming the OP wants to stay married to him and as she has a baby I do assume she does then it would be better if he could seek help and hopefully sort himself out. This in turn would be more likely to help their marriage and future together.

Irrespective of who or how gets the doctor surely the important thing is that he does ?

Scarey123 Mon 10-Dec-12 17:28:22

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Daddelion Mon 10-Dec-12 17:26:16

So the advice for someone who has developed mental health problems due to relocating and leaving his old job is to man up and grow up and you should leave him?

No wonder the suicide rate for men is so high.
On average 65 men a week do.

He needs help, and it can be very difficult to get someone with depression and anxiety to get help, I suppose he should grow a pair.

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