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angry and not sure whether I'm being heartless(93 Posts)
My dh has had a really crap year or so with employment. He's on his third job in the last year. The first one he packed in because it was cold calling and he gets quite phobic about having to ring people so he more or less decided he was unable to do it (it wasn't advertised as cold calling). He then worked for a retail company and got sacked during his probationary period after a lot of problems - he said he didn't receive any proper training and the others seemed to deliberately exclude him and he felt they bullied him. Now he has a new job which he's had for the last 6 months or so and the same thing is happening again.
He is a manager and his main problem is that he seems to try to get on with everyone and gets very hurt and upset that they don't include him but I have explained that as a manager they are likely to make him separate as that is the nature of being a boss... he did something a bit stupid and ended up being late for a big meeting because he got on the wrong train with two employees. He knew he was on the wrong train but went along with it because the others wanted to be late. He then received a disciplinary for this.
Yesterday he remembered he'd made another silly mistake at work so he rang and owned up to it. His manager told him to email the area manager explaining it which he has done. He has not heard anything back and isn't likely to till his appraisal intw/o weeks. He is now in a deep depression convinced he is worthless and about to get sacked again.
I have sympathy for him. Of course I do. I am on maternity leave and we have a ds 4 months and also dd aged 9 from my previous relationship. I was a single mum for several years befo're I met dh.
But I'm also if I'm honest quite annoyed he seems to have this "I'm worthless" depressive attitude ... but will not take medication or talk to anyone. I have had severe depression myself so I do try to understand.
If he loses his job I could return to work so we wouldn't lose the house. Our mortgage is very small so we could manage. It is a pride thing with my husband. He thinks no one likes him.
Meanwhile I am knackered... ds has just started to
Sleep through till 6am everyday but today was dh turn to get up with him as I do it everyday and he woke up in a terrible mood saying he'd had two hours sleep worrying about work so I said I'd get up again... as I do every bloody day.
I'm also struggling with things with my mum and my hair is falling out !! Long stories. I feel so tired and stressed and worried about my dh and his job etc.
Thank you for all the replies.
Just thought I would update that dh went to the GP yesterday and they gave him some anti anxiety medication, which he has started to take today (so he tells me, bit worried he might suddenly stop but I have to give him the benefit of the doubt)..
He has managed to go into work today. Amazingly they have kept his job open and although they don't know the truth they have been very nice....
How long this holds out for I really don't know but I guess I need to be positive. Going to the doctors and getting pills is a massive step for him.
That's good news Fairylea, a good first step. I hope things start getting better now.
It's a start Fairylea.
I would do two things though - plan on going back to work when your ML is up. I know you wanted to stay home with DS, but given the situation, I think mentally planning to go back is a much better idea. At least then you are certain DS (and you and DD) will have a roof over his head, even if he doesn't have you at home with him as you planned
I would see a family lawyer - get a free half hour apt and see if you can get some idea of what your financial situation would be if you told him to leave. There is no harm in asking and knowing where you would stand. Knowledge is power.
I hope that things do work out with DH - but you can't stay in an awful situation just because of the financial situation. You will end up in the same state he is in.
FWIW I don't think people change this much, this quickly - I think he had managed to keep a brave face on when he was in his comfort zone. I think old friends of his and family would be unsurprised at how he is now. You coped as a lone parent before, you could again.
As for DS - you have to knock this 'morning at 4.30 thing on the head. Shush pat/CC/later to bed, whatever it takes. Also look at his daytime naps - is he getting enough/too much sleep in the day. You can't keep this up.
Come back to offload and update.
The new job seems to be going ok. So far. He seems happy there. They seem to like him. He is still amazingly enough taking the anti anxiety medication and seems a lot calmer.
But this last week or so I have been feeling spectacularly depressed. With everything really. I will probably end up going to the doctors. I just need to write here as well.
I realised I cannot return to work (not that I wanted to, but I hate having choices removed from me) as it occurred to me that even with tax credits paying some child care I would still lose a lot of my salary and with two different aged children it becomes very complicated with nursery and or nannies and after school care etc all for 3/4 days a week.... it's my 9.year old.that makes things difficult as obviously during the holidays she will need additional care and I can't just suddenly put her in summer care. She would hate it. And during term time ds would need a nursery place and then I'd have to provide care for dd too... and I don't think I'd feel happy with a nanny. There is no family to ask.
So. I am stuck. Really until ds starts school. I don't earn enough to make it work..and I don't want to work full time..I couldn't do it with my health problems. I'm worn out as it is.
Ds has started sleeping better / later. But I'm finding everything a nightmare. I am drained and fed up. I don't want to go anywhere or do anything because doing anything with a baby is such a hassle. I'm happy with ds, you know playing and cuddling and smiling. But I'm aware it's very much fake it to make it. I can barely talk to my dh right now. We just spent the last few days hardly talking. He is upset with me.
I just feel fed up to the point I want to go on holiday and not come back but I won't.
Hardly fair of him to be upset with you after all the support you gave him, is it? He can't put you into a really stressful situation and not expect it to have any impact. Go to the doctor, get yourself sorted, don't make any final decisions until you need to (ie a month before return date).
As a SAHM, I strongly advise going back to work. I have a new job starting soon and am looking forward to having a level of independence again.
Can you arrange to go back part time? Use your and DH's annual leave to cover holidays?
I would seriously look for a childminder who could take on your dd as well during the school holidays. Obviously you and your dh can use your hols up during school hols so she wouldn't have to go much.
If you do not return to work at all you are leaving yourself very very vulnerable financially. As a SAHM who returned to work after 6 years I would go back in time and work part time throughout instead.
Thanks I do take your point but I really don't know how it would work. My job is 3 days a week from 10 - 4.30 and the busiest time is during the school holidays. They would actually be looking for me to work more then, not work less or take holidays. During term time I could take dd to school and drop ds at nursery next door but it's the after school bit for dd which is hard as it would only be an hour and a half - how many childminders or nannies would do that? And then during summer suddenly up their hours? Hmmm. I'm thinking maybe I should even look for another job. I really don't know.
I thought about asking for unpaid leave during the summer but as that is their busiest time I know they would be horrified at that suggestion.
I don't feel comfortable leaving ds with a nanny or anyone (other alternative to hire a full time nanny for ds who also looks after dd after school 3 days a week)... even with all the reference checks etc I just wouldn't be happy.
I worked full time when dd was little for a long time and I know you can't get that time back.
Saying that I'm not enjoying being at home with ds either. So god knows what I'm supposed to do. Misery guts aren't I.
I'm just so exhausted I want to go to bed at 9 every night , which I have been doing but obviously dh is lonely and our relationship has all but disappeared.
Saturday was awful as I woke up in a terrible mood and didn't want to do anything so dh took ds out for the afternoon and I stayed home. Dh had hoped we would do something together. I feel like digging my heels in and not doing anything but I don't really know why. He hasn't done anything wrong.
I am also angry that I have no family support at all. I don't want the burden and responsibility of friends in real life, I havent got the energy for it but I feel so angry that when dd was little I had my.mum to look after dd sometimes and now due to circumstances I don't have that anymore. Feel I never ever get a break. But then the way I feel now I could have a break for a week and it wouldn't be enough.
A childminder would be best. DH takes my DD to school and hand over my DS to our childminder. She has DS all day, collects DD from school and I collect after work. 3 days a week.
In school hols she has them all day.
Call council, ask for Family Information Service and request list of childminders registered in your area, ask school office for a list of known minders too.
I agree, get back to work. I feel like my days at work are easy days and my children get the best and happy mummy on their two days a week.
It's quite normal for childminders to have children after school and then full time in the holidays. You could probably work longer days in the school hols 3 days per week which would keep your employer happy.
I seriously would go back otherwise your future options with your dh and your finances will be very limited.
At 9 or nearly 10 by the summer dd will be old enough to go to summer play scheme holiday clubs etc or a good childminder will organise activities etc.
It's quite common for childminders to do after school for an hour or two, or there may be clubs after school.
I really don't think your child are options are as limited as you think.
If I were you I would make it clear to your dh that your are going back to work and he has x months to try to get better ie not staying up playing games getting proper sleep, taking his mess seeing gp regularly and if necessary getting counselling for his anxiety. Make it clear that him staying home doing nothing is not an option.
Your dh is clearly dragging you down too, and he must take responsibility for getting better whether this involves a job or not.
It sound like now that your dh is functioning a bit more the feelings of anger with him, which you suppressed in order to look after/help him are coming out. It's very reasonable for you to be massively pissed off, exhausted by it all and feel sad. So take your time, get rested. Maybe it just has to be processed and then you can start forgiving and healing. I hope he keeps improving.
I never believe that you have made it in management unless your name us on the back of the big door. Your not there to be liked. Your there to be responsible for others productivity.
The difference between being a liked manager and an unliked one occurs in the first day you have to say no to something.
Thank you for all your ideas and perspectives. I with get a list of childminders and find out a bit more about it. I'm still very hesitant. I have to be honest and say I'm not very worried about the long term effects of being a sahm as we have a tiny mortgage really compared to a lot of people so should everything go absolutely tits up I could probably pay this just with dds maintenance money from my ex and whatever else incoming I'd have from tax credits etc. At least until I could pick up another part time job... my mum has recently got numerous jobs after being unemployed for 20 years and me writing her cv (used to work in recruitment) so I know it can be done.... its just whether its the right thing to do now or not.
Thank you for the ideas though, you've made me think maybe it is possible.
I suppose I'm also worried about looking back like I do with dd now and feeling I missed so much and was so worried about work and money and everything else.
And you're absolutely right when you say now I can be angry with dh I am very very angry with him for everything I guess. I just feel even though it's unfair of me it's all coming out now. I can't actually bear to talk to him about anything really. But then I feel that way about everyone.
Thing is by doing that I realise I am jepardising all the hard work he's done byggetting on at work and taking the meds. Because I'm pushing him under. Which makes me angry with myself..... !
New years eve was horrible. We didn't talk all evening and I went to bed at 9.30. I could hear him saying "for fucks sake" to himself in exasperation. Neither of us said happy new year or kissed or anything. We didn't talk this morning except pleasantries over ds (dd was in bed).. dh is at work today.
I'm really feeling like I'm checking out of everything. I feel like I just don't give a shit about any of it beyond making sure the kids are ok and we're all fed and watered.
I feel I don't have any energy or time for anything. I might as well be dead. I'm not saying I'm suicidal. I'm not. I'm just invisible. And going to work won't solve that, I hate working too.
I'm just angry with my life I suppose. I'm sorry. I just need to vent.
If neither of you are working you won't be receiving tax credits...
It's a relationship phase. Ups and downs. You are allowed them. You don't have to be perfect all the time.
Please try to give yourself a break, an emotional one not a physical one. <<hug>>
Thanks random, that's actually not true as you would receive the maximum child tax credits, which we have before when we were both struggling for a bit. Working tax credits do stop however. And of course from April universal credit is coming in so things will be quite different then anyway. At the moment dh is working and I am on maternity leave till may so it's just a "what if" ...
Thank you shattereddreams... if it is a phase I hope it passes quickly..
With the way things are I wouldn't assume you'll get any help from the state anymore, it's just the way things are going, but if you're not earning at all it's about £70 per person that you will get in benefits, and I heard something about council tax benefit is being abolished/changed
Yes that's very true. Of course I wouldn't intentionally force myself onto benefits. I was just saying IF the worst happened I'm sure we would manage one way or another. To put things in perspective our mortgage is covered by dds maintenance payment minus an extra £100. But it wouldn't be easy with bills etc. Our bills are very high, but that's our own fault as to be honest we have the heating very hotand use a lot of electricity etc!
I'm going to find out about childminders and nannies tomorrow. Lots of things to think about really.
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