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angry and not sure whether I'm being heartless

(93 Posts)
Fairylea Sun 21-Oct-12 06:52:25

My dh has had a really crap year or so with employment. He's on his third job in the last year. The first one he packed in because it was cold calling and he gets quite phobic about having to ring people so he more or less decided he was unable to do it (it wasn't advertised as cold calling). He then worked for a retail company and got sacked during his probationary period after a lot of problems - he said he didn't receive any proper training and the others seemed to deliberately exclude him and he felt they bullied him. Now he has a new job which he's had for the last 6 months or so and the same thing is happening again.

He is a manager and his main problem is that he seems to try to get on with everyone and gets very hurt and upset that they don't include him but I have explained that as a manager they are likely to make him separate as that is the nature of being a boss... he did something a bit stupid and ended up being late for a big meeting because he got on the wrong train with two employees. He knew he was on the wrong train but went along with it because the others wanted to be late. He then received a disciplinary for this.

Yesterday he remembered he'd made another silly mistake at work so he rang and owned up to it. His manager told him to email the area manager explaining it which he has done. He has not heard anything back and isn't likely to till his appraisal intw/o weeks. He is now in a deep depression convinced he is worthless and about to get sacked again.

I have sympathy for him. Of course I do. I am on maternity leave and we have a ds 4 months and also dd aged 9 from my previous relationship. I was a single mum for several years befo're I met dh.

But I'm also if I'm honest quite annoyed he seems to have this "I'm worthless" depressive attitude ... but will not take medication or talk to anyone. I have had severe depression myself so I do try to understand.

If he loses his job I could return to work so we wouldn't lose the house. Our mortgage is very small so we could manage. It is a pride thing with my husband. He thinks no one likes him.

Meanwhile I am knackered... ds has just started to
Sleep through till 6am everyday but today was dh turn to get up with him as I do it everyday and he woke up in a terrible mood saying he'd had two hours sleep worrying about work so I said I'd get up again... as I do every bloody day.

I'm also struggling with things with my mum and my hair is falling out !! Long stories. I feel so tired and stressed and worried about my dh and his job etc.

sad

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker Sun 21-Oct-12 12:21:53

Your husband sounds like a stroppy teenager and you are enabling it.

He is in bed after playing Xbox late after all that's been said, and you worry about rightfully calling him on it because he will call you "horrible"

oh dear

AThingInYourLife Sun 21-Oct-12 12:22:47

Nobody has been horrible to him.

He's the one being horrible by using his work drama to take advantage of his wife.

Sounds like his self loathing is justified.

Maybe he'd hate himself less if he wasn't such a lazy, whiny prick.

Fairylea Wed 21-Nov-12 22:50:12

Well it now looks like he's going to be sacked for something unrelated. They obviously just want him out. He's been suspended on full pay while they decide what to do. Fucking nightmare. Just before Christmas. We are both pretty sure he is going to be sacked. We have taken legal advice etc and there is nothing that can be done.

I'm so angry and so down. I feel angry with feeling angry with him when this latest thing isn't his fault but it's the snowball effect of everything.

I've also gone from enjoying my maternity leave and time with ds to now having to face financially struggling and possibly getting into debt when we had worked very hard to save and not have any.

My mum has been in hospital and is now out of hospital. It's just one long stress. I'm not coping very well but I have to so I keep going. I'm so worn out with it all.

I'm so angry and upset that I can barely look at dh and we are just being civil around the kids and when they go to bed we sit in the same room and don't talk to each other. I mean what can we say, our lives are in chaos.

He is applying for other jobs and had two interviews this week. One he knows he hasn't got already. He's very upset about the whole situation.

I am finding it hard to carry on being cheerful around the dc particularly ds the baby because he takes so much energy and I just want to curl into a ball and sleep. But I can't.

NoraGainesborough Thu 22-Nov-12 07:04:30

Sorry OP but he needs to grow up.

He has done something else? It doesn't sound like they want him out. Sounds like he keeps making mistakes.

Tbh I have worked with people like him. Desperate to be liked and in the end no one does. Because they are is desperate, not themselves and fake.
And all this staying up on the Xbox and then getting you up with the kids is bollocks.

He is manipulating you into feeling sorry for him and getting his own way. Hr is acting like a child.

Fairylea Thu 22-Nov-12 10:56:37

Thanks.

I don't think he is without blame at all. I know he keeps making mistakes. And most of them quite silly. I suspect this latest thing is the cherry on the cake. I cant go into it too much but basically he made an error in procedure and now he is down for gross misconduct. I don't think it warrants that but what can we do.

I can't help but feel like if I really loved him none of this would matter and I'd be supportive and wed get through this together. Instead I find myself not wanting to speak to him at all and actually feeling angry that I mortgaged my house so he could go on the deeds (effectively he brought my mum out of her share, so instead of my mum being on the deeds half with me he is). I find myself thinking that when I was a single parent life was easier. But now it wouldn't be easier as I have ds and dh would always be involved. I can't escape. And I don't know if I really want to. I just feel so angry.

Everything is making me feel resentful. Dh just does not hear ds in the mornings at all so despite being off work for a week now I have got up with ds at 5 everyday. If Itry and wake dh he will just roll over and go back to sleep. It takes literally 3 goes to get him up. I'm fed up. At the moment I get up with ds and dd and I've accepted that but I'd like him to get up so I can have a shower before the school run and he does but only after I've tried to wake him aseveral times.

Really had enough and don't even feel I can talk to him about it as we'll end up arguing and him being upset and i don't have the energy. I'd like to become a nun and sod off to a convent somewhere.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 22-Nov-12 12:07:36

"He's very upset about the whole situation."

Him being upset helps nothing. He really has to get a grip, find some enthusiam for job-seeking and, if he's not working, he has to pull his weight around the home instead. Rolling over and going back to sleep is the way idle teenagers behave... not men with family responsibilities.

It is very difficult to love someone when they are bone-idle and negative. So tell him. Give him a list of stuff you need him to do - starting with 'getting out of bed at a decent time' - and lay it on the line that your relationship's future depends on him bucking his ideas up. Serious. If he chooses to argue rather than accept he has to change.... send him away for a while to give you time to think.

Frootloopz Thu 22-Nov-12 12:52:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fairylea Thu 22-Nov-12 23:00:28

Thanks for the replies. Froot your dh sounds exactly like mine... so frustrating isn't it. You sound like you sorted him out though... I'm taking notes!!

Well by some amazing fluke my dh got offered one of the jobs he went for an interview for. More money and less travel. So of course he is overjoyed and very enthusiastic again and excited. And yes I am too because we have been pulled back from the brink ..... but.... I still feel fed up. I just see this as another job that's going to end up the same as the others. I'm being unfair aren't I ? It's just so hard to get excited.

Dh is angry with me ... well not angry just hurt. He doesn't understand why I'm not in celebration mode. I haven't cuddled him all week. Or kissed him except for good night. I'm just worn out and had enough. He keeps asking me what's wrong and I say I'm tired.

I am feeling really down about everything really. I'm finding ds hard work too. He was a much wanted baby but after such a big age gap between him and dd who is nine I just find myself feeling so restricted. When dd was at school I had all day to do what I liked, watch tv go shopping cook a nice meal... and now cute and lovely as ds is everything is a struggle. I have no time to myself and whereas I thought my mum would be able to occasionally babysit she's not well now so I have no time off. If I leave ds with dh which he often suggests I return feeling like I've given him a really tiring afternoon etc as he always seems worn out and fed up so I end up not bothering.

I'm sure this will pass but it's good to write about it.

NoraGainesborough Fri 23-Nov-12 08:22:57

I have a big age and I hear you. Massive shock to the system. It does pass though.

Your dh is a child pure and simple. He does hear ds, he hears you ask him to get up and he ignores it. Because that's what selfish people do. They ignore their responsibilities because some else will do it. You will get up, you will keeping waking him.

He also does this is his job. Ignores the fact he is responsible and wants everyone to just pick up the pieces.

I wouldn't be excited either. Why would you be excited that in 6 months (tops) you will be in the same position again. Why would you be excited when nothing has changed?

dequoisagitil Fri 23-Nov-12 11:33:59

If he is worn out and fed up after an afternoon spent minding the baby, then hello - it's welcome to your world. That is not a reason to feel guilty or not to ask him to do it.

Be a little selfish (it's not actually). Why are you more worried about him being tired and pissed off than you are about yourself?

No wonder you feel resentful if you're always putting his needs above your own and he just assumes you will. Change that dynamic. You're entitled to time out. He owes it to you to share the burden of childcare.

Fairylea Sat 24-Nov-12 07:10:53

The age gap between children is a massive issue for me I think... which is ridiculous as I wanted them! .. dd is almost a mini teenager at 9 (year 5). She is quite independent and we were getting to a nice stage where I could go out shopping with her or to the cinema. And then I go and have ds and I'm right back to the start. Dh has looked after ds a few times so dd and I can still go out but I find myself dreading going home.

You're right I don't know why I put myself below everyone else in the pecking order .. I think it's because I find it easier to do things rather than put up with the sulking. Although last night I did go to bed at half nine as I was just so worn out I was falling asleep on the sofa. I know this irritated dh as we hadn't really spoken much and he probably feels annoyed I just left him to it.

We had a massI've row yesterday. I admitI had been snappy and fed up all day and he got very annoyed with me and said I "don't want to share anything with him". He says I don't seem pleased about the new job etc. I said I am but just feel tired of all the stress lately. He is saying the new job is more money so I don't have to go back to work if I don't want to... but I don't feel inspired that this is going to last really. The only way we would have coped this time is my job I'm on maternity leave for. I didn't want to go back but I'm not sure now.

I still feel really angry. I don't know how to change the way i feel and if I don't then it's going to continue like this.

bradywasmyfavouriteking Sat 24-Nov-12 07:39:03

I know how you feel.

Dd was 7 when as was born. It can be difficult finding things they both enjoy and then fitting in the things you used to do with the eldest.

But I try and think of the positives. dd is quite independent so does alot herself. Like makes her breakfast which made it easier to sort ds on a morning. She is amazing with him. Her name was his first word. She is like a mini mum.

ds is now 21 months and dd even takes him to bed an reads to him on a night. Then i tuck him in, little things like that make me happy with the gap. They are so close and he adores her.
Now i am really happy with the gap. It does get easier. At one point i kind felt like 'oh my god what have i done' in the first few months after i had ds, but it does get better.

Regarding you not working. I feel bad saying this. but what would happen if say in 12 mo the he ends up screwing this job up?

Will your job at least give you security? Do you want to be financially dependant on someone who struggles to keep a job?

Really feel for your situation op. your dh sounds like e needs a lot of growing up to do and so unfair your left with dealing dc on your own all the time. No wonder you feel exhausted, worn out & resentful. I have a ten year gap between my dd who is 13 & ds who is 3 and totally feel your pain. Have many times thought what have I done? I met my dh when my dd was 16 months old & definitely regret waiting so long to have another sad It is really hard with big gap but try to think of ways to involve your daughter, I would encourage my dd to read to my ds, take them swimming, out for walks, anything that got them interacting. They both adore each other but my ds can get very jealous which is hard. Its great your dh has new job but if it was me I maybe wouldn't give up security of my job incase this happened again. Also of it did I would seriously be thinking if I waned to stay with someone who behaved that way. I know you feel it would be hard being single parent of 2 but it sounds in the past as though you are being parent of 3 & dh sounds like he's behaving like stroppy teenager so if he wasn't there then you wouldn't be living with all the resentment which I would think would be easier. Really hope things work out for you & with dh's job and that you can enjoy your ds's precious first year smile

FobblyWoof Sat 24-Nov-12 10:38:02

You are not being unreasonable or unfair for thinking that this next job will end up like the last few.

Your dh sounds like he thinks he's still in school. It's very unprofessional TBH. I think he really needs to address his attitude to work, stop feeling sorry for himself, especially when things are his fault, and get a grip.

Fairylea Sun 25-Nov-12 06:42:43

Thank you. Maybe I'm just struggling as all this has really upset and unsettled me.

You're right really.. and dd does help out with ds a lot. So that's helpful. It's just things like although ds goes to bed at 5.30 dd is now entering late bedtime territory so wants to be up till 9 (although bedtime is usually 8) so I end up with maybe an hour to myself and then I need to go to bed as ds is up so early!

I've told dh I want to go and get my hair cut next week. Hes been into the city shopping twice since he's been off and I can't remember when I went. Part of my problem is I just hate the way I look. I've put on so much weight with ds and also due a medical condition my hair is thinning (I'm having treatment for hormone issues). I look in the mirror and I don't look like me. I was always the glam mum and now I'm frumpy mum.

Dh and I spent another day and evening of not talking and not touching. It's like I can't make that bridge. I don't know how to start talking to him. I mean "look I've lost all trust and respect for you" is a pretty big elephant in the room. And I'm not sure I'm just really angry and resentful. So I am safer sounding it out on here.

PopMusicShoobyDoobyDoA Sun 25-Nov-12 09:54:29

You have a lot on your plate, and I'm not surprised that you want to run away from it all. I definitely would feel the same.

Your husband. I totally get your frustration, disappointment, anger and resentment at him. It's hard to talk to someone when you have all those feelings towards someone. Not only has he let you down time and again with his inability to keep a job, he has let you down by not being able to handle it and not truly taking any responsibility for it and then using it as an excuse to not take any responsibility at home. That is a lot it take on board. I would want to give him a mental slap actually but it would be more constructive I think if you and him went to counselling to try and work out your relationship in the long term. I think that thedynamics would need to change for it to be a long lasting healty relationship and couple counselling might go a way towards that. In the short term, I think you need to let him know how you feel and why you have found it difficult to talk to him.

It's also time to put yourself first. Set up regular times when you can have breaks from DS and husband. Go to the gym, see your friends, go shopping, go on a course, whatever. As long as its scheduled regularly. If H sulks afterwards, that is no reason to stop doing things for yourself. He is sulking so you will think twice about taking time out again. Stop giving into it. You sound like you have a lovely relationship with your daughter. Again, take time out to spend time with her regularly to go to the cinema, go shopping, to the cafe, library, whatever she is into.

I think your H would benefit from CBT, would he go? I don't think the dynamics of the relationship would change that much until he starts thinking differently about himself.

PopMusicShoobyDoobyDoA Sun 25-Nov-12 09:56:54

Sorry for typos!

PopMusicShoobyDoobyDoA Sun 25-Nov-12 09:58:20

Also, it might be worth going to the GP and telling them everything and saying saying that you are finding it hard to cope.

I have a friend with a DH like this. He can't keep a job, it's never his fault, he's always the victim etc etc. She makes excuses, I say nothing. But deep down I'm thinking 'He loves all the attention, adores all the 'poor me' drama, and will forever be a drain on you'. She coddles him, allows him to get away with being a selfish twat, and then suffers financially as she is yo yoing on and off benefits depending on whether he deigns to work (she does work, btw, cleaning. A job he won't consider as it's not 'manly' enough). I think you're entitled to be angry, allowed to feel let down and totally within your rights to tell him so.

Fairylea Tue 27-Nov-12 06:10:30

Thank you for the replies. It's very helpful to be able to offload.

Well I am going to put myself first today for a change and dh is going to look after ds while I go and get my hair cut and go clothes shopping. I'm feeling a bit down about my appearance and I don't really recognise myself since having ds so I need to do something about that. I'm not sure if my total lack of interest in sex and everything else is that or stuff with dh or a mixture.

We had a terrible terrible argument the night before last. It all came out about how I felt about the job etc. He got very upset and said I am assuming he's going to fail before he's even started and what about supporting him and being proud of him. I said I am proud of him for getting another job but I'm also worried given previous experiences and also the instability of the economy.

He said that I am always depressed, can't find the joy in anything. I said I can but part of my pleasure in life is to feel stable and I don't feel stable at the moment as another 6 months down the line we could be worrying again. Hmm.

So we had an awful day. Ds did nothing but whinge the whole following day, dh and I barely talked to each other. We went into town for something to eat and didn't talk the whole time, just both taking turns with ds.

Last night we didn't talk beyond pleasantries again. I really have to desire at all to touch or be physically close. I'm not sure if that's because I feel depressedor because of how I feel about him. We usually have sex and physical affection a lot so to go this long and absolutely nothing is extremely unusual.

I actually feel like when I'm getting dressed and he comes in the bedroom to get something that he is invading my space and I want to cover up and I've never felt like that before.

I feel sad and lonely and I don't know how to fix this. We feel like worlds apart at the moment.

Fairylea Tue 27-Nov-12 06:12:43

Sorry meant to add dh will not go for counselling or take medications. Been there done that - nagged and nagged and nothing. Won't be budged on it.

mummytime Tue 27-Nov-12 07:28:07

Okay, I am a little worried about you. Could you access some counselling? Just to let out your frustrated feelings, or maybe to uncover reasons why you are feeling so down. Do you feel you should be "fixing" everyone?

Do you do any exercise (I'm glad you can't see me as I'm hardly the greatest advert)? Because maybe a half-hour run every day or going to the gym, or regular swimming will help a lot. If you are under stress a lot of Adrenaline can build up and exercise is a good way to get rid of this.
I would also recommend getting into a routine where you get out, especially in winter, especially in the middle of the day when there is most sunlight around. Do also go and do things, even if your DH is at home. So do go to Baby groups, do have the odd coffee out, do arrange to meet up with any other Mums you can. Do do the indulgent things that you can't when you are working, so read a book, watch a DVD you want to. Splurge on a nicer bag of coffee. Whatever does it for you.

Then when you have dealt with yourself and feel stronger, you can point out to DH if he moans that its not your responsibility and he needs to deal with his own issues. Or you could just say "Well what do you want me to do about it? Say, there there. Offer advice? Just listen?"

Basically you will have to relate to him as an adult, and not allow him to turn you into his parent.

But first look after yourself (and your children). He is an adult and should be able to look after himself.

bradywasmyfavouriteking Tue 27-Nov-12 09:20:56

OP if he won't do anything to help himself, even though it is causing you so much stress he is being selfish and unfair.

I am not surprised you don't see the joy in life. You spend life planning for his fuck Ups. Because that's what they are. HIS fuck Ups.

He wants you to forget his past shitty behaviour and be all jumping up and down because he has found a job. Tell him you will be all happy when he keeps it for more than a year. When you feel you have some stability, support and a partner.

At the moment he is only causing you stress and hurt.

Sorelip Tue 27-Nov-12 15:17:46

Your DH is very self absorbed, isn't he? You're the one with a young baby, a hormone problem and an ill mother, but it's all 'me, me, me!' with him. He's acting like a toddler that's used the potty for the first time: "I got a new job/took a dump in the potty, look at me, LOOK AT ME!"

There's so many things wrong with him, I don't know where to begin. He wants you to support him, but where is his support of you?

I try not to get angry at things I read on here, but your DH is being a turd.

LessMissAbs Tue 27-Nov-12 23:08:41

Oh come on, 3 jobs in one year, and sacked or nearly sacked from 2 of them? "Going along with" deliberately being late? Hes the sort of employee who makes things a nightmare for the customer! Thats just ridiculous. He sounds completely irresponsible and undisciplined. I can't believe you are worrying about getting angry with him. I'd be furious, in fact I'd be planning to leave him. Everyone deserves a second or even a third chance, but this is irresponsibility to the highest level.

Its not really to do with training or lack of it - its his own basic stupidity and unreliability.

Has everyone in his life mollycoddled him from reality, or is it just you? Hes never going to learn the consequences of his own actions if people keep shielding him and worrying about upsetting him. tbh if he can't work out after being sacked once that acting like an imcompetent has consequences, then hes going to end up unemployable very soon, and personally I wouldn't want to be dragged down like that, even if he does have his good points.

Sorry I just read he stayed up last night playing his XBox. Is he actually only 18 or 19? He's not behaving like a grown up!

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