Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Wife doesn't love me anymore

(268 Posts)
Lostdad31 Fri 19-Oct-12 06:36:57

My wife and I have been married for 2 years, and together for 5. We have 2 amazing little ones, a little girl who's almost 2 and a half, and our little man who's coming up to 8 months. We have the perfect family...or so I thought.

She recently told me she's become confused, and has lost something. She said she doesn't love me anymore. She's adamant it's nothing I've done, she told me I'm the perfect husband and the perfect father but her feelings have just changed. I was completely devastated! If it wasn't for the kids she would already have left, but she said she'll give it some time for their sakes. I was obviously very confused and subsequently looked at her phone - I know I shouldn't of but I wasn't exactly thinking clearly. There were texts on their between my wife and someone from her work, very flirty messages about her picturing him in the shower, and wanting to meet up etc. Needless to say I was broken. Our relationship has always been perfect, and I never thought she could betray and hurt me this way. She says nothing has happened, and it's just flirting, which she realises she shouldn't have done and is really sorry for. Apparently it's a sympton not the cause.

But now I'm just lost. I'm constantly on the verge of tears, and I look at the kids and imagine our perfect family being broken up and it kills me.

I've told her I will do anything I can to make it work, I still love her so very much I ache. Everytime I think of her flirting with this other man it feels like a stab through my heart, but I've convinced myself that if I can reawaken her feelings and feel loved again then I can trust her again. Am I deluding myself? Part of me feels like she's already made her decision and this period of giving it some time is to allay her guilt.

Help me!

Jux Sat 19-Jan-13 17:29:41

Online dating is a distraction you can do without atm, but each to his own.

It's natural to feel rather down after counselling. Talking about something traumatic and upsetting in rl is another nail in the coffin. Also, once counselling is under way, it is likely that there will be other things coming out that you'd rather not face, but in the end it makes you a better, stronger person and is worth it.

You're doing very well, Lostdad, and your children will benefit in the end, possibly even more than you will.

ProphetOfDoom Sat 19-Jan-13 19:12:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cerealqueen Tue 22-Jan-13 21:21:06

Just wanted to add my support to you.

Your wife sounds very selfish and a little bit cruel, there is no need for her to change her name so quickly, that really is turning the knife. Still, if she does do that and people ask, you can say she is having an affair. Let her deal with the fallout. Plus all the grooming for him, again, taking the piss being so blatant.

Maybe she has been a god mother but it sounds like she has been putting a lot of her energies into this OM, even when her baby was very young. That doesn't sound too devoted to me.

Good wives and mothers talk through problems, not have affairs. She made vows 'for better for worse'. All relationships go through bad patches, they have to be worked at. She didn't even try.

It is likely Om may be the complete opposite of you, a bit of a cad maybe, keeping her guessing, playing games. One day, who knows when, she will regret breaking up her family.

You must start to detach, even if in the inside you are crying. Be cold and unavailable to her. Deal with her in a businesslike way, only on what has to be discussed.

Buy some new clothes, aftershave, haircut, whatever and get yourself out, even if it to the cinema. These are all external things but it will help. I am glad for you that you will have hands-on involvement with your DDs.

Lostdad31 Sun 27-Jan-13 00:01:39

Feeling really sorry for myself this evening. Worse than I have for ages. Just feel like if the woman I've given everything to for the past 5 plus years doesn't want who else will ever want me. Hate feeling like this, hate self pity, but just a shit day sad

Darkesteyes Sun 27-Jan-13 00:12:11

Lostdad i know how you feel. Been feeling the same way for the past two months.

How are your children doing Lost ? Are they with you this weekend?

It's still very early days don't forget.

Spero Sun 27-Jan-13 00:36:04

sorry you are feeling so down. Just remember that grief doesn't get better in a steadily upward line. You dip up and down and some days are better than others. But it will get better. The fact that she didn't want you is her issue. I don't think it can be the definitive judgment on who you are and who else will love you.

Remember the only way out is through and you will get there in the end.

Lostdad31 Sun 27-Jan-13 00:36:16

I've got the kids this weekend, they seem to be doing fine. Eldest was very happy when I asked her to pick curtains and a rug for her room in 'daddy's house'.

I know it's early days, it's just thrown me a bit because I thought I was beyond this

Spero Sun 27-Jan-13 00:38:06

you've been through a massive trauma. one of the most upsetting things that can happen to anyone. you have lost your dreams of a future and your memories of the past have been spoiled. you are not going to get over this in a matter of months. So don't beat yourself up about it.

Darkesteyes Sun 27-Jan-13 00:42:04

Lostdad just because she doesnt want a relationship with you anymore doesnt mean that no one else will. You sound like a nice bloke and you are still young (im guessing 31 is your age) It hasnt been very long and im guessing it was nice to see your eldest smile as she was picking things out for her new room.

ProphetOfDoom Sun 27-Jan-13 09:17:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lostdad31 Fri 01-Feb-13 22:18:51

So, tonight is my first night in the new flat. And I can honestly say it's the lonliest I have ever felt. Don't get me wrong, I know it's better for me to be out from under the same roof as wife, but leaving tonight (after bathing and putting the kids down) was torture. I'm sat here now on the floor (sofa arrives tomorrow) with a glass of wine and I'd give anything just to look in on the kids. The flat and their room is taking shape but I just want it perfect for when they first stay over. I've got eldest the horse from tangled (her favourite film at the minute, she sings and dances to it constantly) and I've left him on her bed for when she first visits, which will be tomorrow. My nightmare is that the kids ever dread coming to daddy's, because it's not 'home'. Tough night.

ProphetOfDoom Fri 01-Feb-13 23:02:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NettleTea Fri 01-Feb-13 23:26:24

just want to say that you sound like a lovely bloke, and that you really care about your kids.
Its really hard when relationships break up, and even though she was rubbing it in your face, moving house and being all alone must be incredibly hard. But you know its the best thing. As others said, she isnt comiing back. And by the time the reality of mr.workmate wears off, you probably will have grown in yourself and wont want her back. She is a silly woman. Reading these boards and the awful things that so so many men seem to be putting their partners through, its not long before the glitzy looks wear off, the high life isnt all its cracked up to be, and the little frisson of excitement of a new man dulls into just Mr. Same as everyone else really, except you know they have no integrity cos they were prepared to split up a marriage. We grow up, and we are wishing for someone who treats us well, who is kind, who is honest, who loves us even with our 10 day leg stubble. But by then all the good ones have been snapped up.........
best of wishes to you Lostdad, the wheel of the year is turning, and not wishing to be all woo on you, this is the time for your new life to start emerging.

NettleTea Fri 01-Feb-13 23:27:51

and your babies will always love coming to dad's, because if we can feel your love for them coming through our screens, I am sure they will feel it in their home with you.

Stick with it LostDad, and you'll settle in to your new home and you will move on from this nasty woman and the way she's treated you. Your children will love spending time with you and it will be their home the same way as their mother's house is. The most important thing is that you are in it - that's what makes it home. smile

I bet there are plenty of women on here who would snap you up, and I'm sure that once the pain of this has faded you will find someone who deserves the love of a decent guy like you.

amamini Fri 01-Feb-13 23:54:30

hello lostdad..i am alone in a fabulous house my husband and I made together..until he walked away from everything without any discussion after 28 years together..two amazing teenage boys..we have had all our dreams shattered for selfishness. It is insane and pointless, and I am sure your self centered ex wife will, at her leisure realise this. My sons will have nothing to do with their father, as he is not the man they thought him to be, so at least I don't have to ever experiance handing over my children to some new partner my husband feels himself now in love with. Your children will take you through this, as will friends and family, good luck.

Skyebluesapphire Sat 02-Feb-13 01:10:12

((Hugs)) for you Lostdad. I know this is not what you wanted, but well done on the first steps to your new life. It sounds like you have done your best to make it a lovely welcoming place for your children and they will love coming there to spend time with you.

All you can do is provide a stable home for your children and they will thank you for it in future.

You found like a lovely man and I'm sure that you will meet someone that will appreciate you in the future.

Lostdad31 Sat 02-Feb-13 20:50:19

Well kids are asleep in their beds in the new flat. Not ideal as I had to wait in all day for a sofa delivery (that didn't turn up) so they got a little stir crazy. On the plus side maximus went down well and youngest seems to like being able to crawl the whole flat on one level! So fingers crossed for a good night - it's the first time they've ever slept in the same room. First night out of the way, onwards and upwards. I'll let you know the date of the housewarming smile

Well done dad31, you've come so far. I bet the kids are delighted to be sharing a room and under the same roof as you. Before long it will be their new normal.
Wishing you lots of luck in your new home.

Skyebluesapphire Sat 02-Feb-13 21:26:53

well done lostdad. You really ought to name change to something more positive you know! I'm sure that you will provide a lovely home for your kids to come to and that they will be very happy there. The main thing is to make sure that they have some of their things around them. (although if DD takes many more bags of toys to XH she won't have any left here grin.

Make sure you have toys, spare clothes, their favourite cereals and snacks and you can't go too far wrong.

From a mum's point of view, I think that a dad needs to spend quality time with his kids. XH takes DD to softplay where she runs around while he plays with his phone, not really quality time.... I would rather that he took her home and gave her some tea and talked to her and read her a story. even going to the park is better because then he interacts with her...

I am sure that you will provide a stable second home for your kids because you sound like a really nice guy.

yes, and let us know when the housewarming is wine

Lostandfounddad Sat 02-Feb-13 22:06:05

New start, new name smile

That's more like it grin

Skyebluesapphire Sat 02-Feb-13 22:12:49

well done !

Jux Sun 03-Feb-13 02:22:05

Love the new name.

Second Skye's advice re activities. Your children need to spend time with you, soft play's fine from time to time, but the most important thing is being together. Make the most of it, as I have no doubt you will.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now