Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Wife doesn't love me anymore

(268 Posts)
Lostdad31 Fri 19-Oct-12 06:36:57

My wife and I have been married for 2 years, and together for 5. We have 2 amazing little ones, a little girl who's almost 2 and a half, and our little man who's coming up to 8 months. We have the perfect family...or so I thought.

She recently told me she's become confused, and has lost something. She said she doesn't love me anymore. She's adamant it's nothing I've done, she told me I'm the perfect husband and the perfect father but her feelings have just changed. I was completely devastated! If it wasn't for the kids she would already have left, but she said she'll give it some time for their sakes. I was obviously very confused and subsequently looked at her phone - I know I shouldn't of but I wasn't exactly thinking clearly. There were texts on their between my wife and someone from her work, very flirty messages about her picturing him in the shower, and wanting to meet up etc. Needless to say I was broken. Our relationship has always been perfect, and I never thought she could betray and hurt me this way. She says nothing has happened, and it's just flirting, which she realises she shouldn't have done and is really sorry for. Apparently it's a sympton not the cause.

But now I'm just lost. I'm constantly on the verge of tears, and I look at the kids and imagine our perfect family being broken up and it kills me.

I've told her I will do anything I can to make it work, I still love her so very much I ache. Everytime I think of her flirting with this other man it feels like a stab through my heart, but I've convinced myself that if I can reawaken her feelings and feel loved again then I can trust her again. Am I deluding myself? Part of me feels like she's already made her decision and this period of giving it some time is to allay her guilt.

Help me!

Offred Fri 19-Oct-12 06:40:47

I'm really sorry for you the pain in your post is really obvious.sad I think you really need to establish what it is she wants to happen though.

Offred Fri 19-Oct-12 06:43:33

You are correct to identify that time won't work btw. What is required is work to get the feelings back and if she doesn't want to do that work, which is totally up to her, then I think it would be kinder to leave sooner rather than later.

Cybbo Fri 19-Oct-12 06:47:38

At the moment you declaring your undying love for her will not make any difference. Ask her what she needs from you, and ask her to be completely honest. Does she give you everything you need as well?

SirSugar Fri 19-Oct-12 07:00:15

Interesting responses. If you were a woman posting you would be told your DH is a cheating twunt, having a full on affair, don't listen to the crap he's serving up and kick him to the far side of fuck.

Offred Fri 19-Oct-12 07:03:38

Not by me sir sugar actually!

Offred Fri 19-Oct-12 07:07:58

And I fail to see how that's helping, we don't know she is cheating. Although I do think the stuff she says about the texts is guff. They are not a symptom or a cause, they're part of a choice to check out of the marriage. That's why I think op needs to find out whether she is just biding time having checked out or whether she wants to actually work on things.

SirSugar Fri 19-Oct-12 07:19:04

It was a generalised overview of the thread. And the response would have been very different if OP was a woman.

For example, if a DW explained that her DH had told her he doesn't love her anymore suggestions of checking phones etc would be the norm along with lots of 'sorrys' he is having an affair.

I was commenting on the differences in approach here, not giving advice. If you want my avice, she's having an affair

Offred Fri 19-Oct-12 07:19:39

A generalised overview of two posts? Really?

SirSugar Fri 19-Oct-12 07:19:51

I forgot to add the 'sorry'

Offred Fri 19-Oct-12 07:20:35

I was one of the only two people who commented and I would never suggest checking phones and never say she was having an affair on such little info.

SirSugar Fri 19-Oct-12 07:21:03

There was three actually

<pedantic>

SirSugar Fri 19-Oct-12 07:24:09

Three posts, not posters - don't take it personally Offred

Offred Fri 19-Oct-12 07:24:21

Yeah but two of them were mine. Give the handing over passwords and snooping brigade a chance. I don't think that's the point. Op needs to know what his wife feels and then make his own decision about the marriage IMHO.

SirSugar Fri 19-Oct-12 07:26:39

Ok, I will wait; it's early in the morning

Offred Fri 19-Oct-12 07:27:14

Anything else is just unnecessary hurt. If she has checked out snooping isn't going to bring her back. If she doesn't want to check back in putting work into providing for her needs would be pointless and erode his self esteem.

hzgreen Fri 19-Oct-12 07:35:16

Hello OP, really sorry to hear about your situation, you wife has said some things that must have been really tough to hear. i think you need to find out more about what her feelings are - saying that she would have left already if not for the kids but is willing to give it some time sounds a bit non commital, if she doesn't want to make it work time won't help, if she does want to try to make things work then you need to start talking about what you both need.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 19-Oct-12 07:40:08

Your wife's being very cruel and also dishonest with you. Very cruel to keep you on a string waiting to find you if she loves you or not. Dishonest about the flirting. You're clearly in shock at the moment and that's why you're thinking about doing anything to keep things on track. In reality, that desperation puts you in a very weak position and you'll lose any respect both from her and for yourself if you carry on that way. She will believe - rightly at the moment - that no matter how badly she treats you, you will put up with it. I'd suggest you need time to get your head around what has happened and I think that means considering spending some time apart. Sorry you've had this happen.

I think you sound like a good man op, and it sounds like you're wife has had her head turned - easily done with two young kids...
I would tend to take a firmer line - with the aim of getting her to respect/notice you again.
I would say that you are not prepared to live in a loveless marriage and that you want to go to counselling to find out what's wrong. I would suggest that you work on relationship together, lots of talking, time together, but if she refuses to fully commit to you by say new year, then you will leave, bringing whole host of issues with that...

Abitwobblynow Fri 19-Oct-12 07:54:05

Right, I can see why...

STOP appeasing her and assuring her of your undying love. Now is the time to get FUCKING FURIOUS. How DARE she. What a fucking SELFISH, self-absorbed immature vain waste of space she is.

What did she THINK being married meant? What did she THINK making those vows meant?

Threaten to tell everyone. That she is a tarty slut who sends work colleagues messages about fucking him in the shower - whilst she has 2 beautiful children she doesn't give a sh*t about. Tell her you will contact that man, and let him know you are telling his wife - and that she can read for herself the reply about how little she means to him and how quickly she can f off.

The rules don't change for gender, my friend. If you are a soppy walkover, you get disrespected and taken for granted. Believe me on this one.

Time to get very angry. Get into counselling, and find your iron man side.

Offred Fri 19-Oct-12 08:14:48

I'm not really into getting someone to respect/love you again. They either do or they don't IMO. There's a grey area I accept in my own marriage choice where sometimes you need to work to get back feelings of being in love but I think if the actual love went then that'd be it for me, I couldn't be in an unequal relationship where I knew I wasn't loved or stay if I had lost the love. I'd be happier alone. I'm not into involving everybody else in behaving crappily to my spouse either no matter what he did.

Helltotheno Fri 19-Oct-12 08:38:16

If you are a soppy walkover, you get disrespected and taken for granted.

Agree with this 100%. But I also agree with cogito that you need to get control back in this situation and leave--temporarily at any rate.
Imo people like your wife should not get to sit there and fanny about while deciding what they want. The counselling is few steps after you leaving and getting her to decide what way your future is going to be (that's if you decide to come back). Start making arrangements now regarding the kids.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 19-Oct-12 08:40:27

"I'm not really into getting someone to respect/love you again. They either do or they don't IMO"

This is very true and why the DW in this instance is being quite cruel. It's one thing to say you're not happy in a relationship or that it needs work or a few changes. It's quite another to pull the rug right from under someone's feet and say you don't love them any more. IMHO you only burn that particular bridge when you've decided it's finally over. Not hold it as a threat over someone.

OP.... Do you think she's telling you it's over really?

fiventhree Fri 19-Oct-12 08:45:17

Actually, I agree with Abitw. Get angry.

She is being selfish. I also suspect a change of style in this way in you may cause her to stop and think.

She has a nerve and is behaving really immaturely, and also putting her childrens happiness at risk for a selfish fling- which is what it is.

Buy yourself Shirley Glass- Not just Friends or Beyond Betrayal by Frank Pittman.

Offred Fri 19-Oct-12 08:53:27

I don't know what she is doing or what she's said. I think since he is coming from a position of loving her and wanting it to work he needs to know from her whether it is really that she has stopped loving him or whether she loves him but is bored/unhappy etc but wants to make it work. Sounds like the first one to me, if so i would agree to take control and ask for space, but it could still be the second, if she's been fannying around with stupid texts she's decided to divert the intimacy somewhere else but perhaps not consciously and is seeing the intimacy as coming from the workmate and not from the op without realising that has happened because she chose to divert the intimacy away from her husband.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now