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not ok to shake our son...

(135 Posts)
DippyDoohdah Mon 15-Oct-12 22:42:36

my estranged Dh and I have been trying to have some family time before divorce finalised, to make sure w are doing right thing/see if can come back together.long story but includes me feeling very strongly that is too heavy handed with 2 and 4 year old ds..4 year old showing some autistic tendencies.anyway...
yesterday, 2 year old (soon 3) did something minor and Dh told him to say sorry..ds refused a couple of times..Dh got very angry that he was being defied and grabbed ds, raised him in the air in front of him and shook him two or three times, shouting, until ds burst into tears.Dh thinks they need a firm hand.he came to pick them up for nursery this morning and eldest was playing up about not wanting to go out..Dh frog matched him to door, shouting and ds was cowering and trekking me did not want to go..Dh pulled them both out and they both left in tears.
they can be challenging, extremely bright and loving.
I just need a bit if affirmation that this is not ok, no matter how many nice bits can come unbeaten..

dippyDoohdah Sun 18-Nov-12 20:31:39

thanks Tasmanian, and big congrats and wishes for you all x

tasmaniandevilchaser Sun 18-Nov-12 19:08:22

Hi, I'd be on the shloer as well as I'm pg so that works out fine! Sounds like you are really getting it together with course, detox and support network at church.

dippyDoohdah Sat 17-Nov-12 21:17:07

tasmanian thanks..er, it would have to be Shloer as am having some T total time as all this in the last 2 years left me with an overreliance on vino blush. Don't feel like much of a hero though, health visitor and co suggested I should let him start to have a couple of hours unsupervised contact at weekends, so has started. Boys seem happy with it and at least they get a very part time positive experience of their dad. He won't be around that long though i think, sadly/not sadly (depends how u /I view it) as he already turned up late and dropped back early last Sunday and i really think his end plan will be to go back to middle east. I have started Triple P course to give me extra back up in those single mum aaaagh moments!And gone back to Church (great support network) and done a detox. So not bad, my emotional wobble earlier was just that..because i know am doing handover tomoro 9avoided it last week, parents helped) but i know he is too damaged and too selfish - its just like divorcing a third son really!
permanently - have you got a thread? You say yours is a watered down version, but I underplayed loads for ages...
dibs thanks..you might think am nuts though now, but I do think short sessions are ok. Its a burger and a walk round town/park..I think he got tense as I was there (am not accepting any responsibility though)..some people mayberate me but i have had to weigh it on balance..

tasmaniandevilchaser Sat 17-Nov-12 19:16:49

dippy just come to this thread, I think you are pretty amazing. You've had lots of good advice so I won't repeat it but I will just say -

You can forgive him, that doesn't mean you can't get divorced, that doesn't mean you have to let him see the DC unsupervised and not protect your DC. He is a damaged person, and he has the potential to damage you and your DC, even more. Go back and read the Lundy Bancroft book others have recommended.

I have read the whole thread and it seems to me that a decree nisi is fantastic news. Seriously if I knew you in RL, we'd be having champagne when that decree nisi comes through. You can properly start to re build your life.

dibs78 Sat 17-Nov-12 18:44:26

Just read most recent posts- well done op! Good luck

dibs78 Sat 17-Nov-12 18:37:07

I only read half way through posts but wanted to comment on the original post. If my dh did the same to my dc- who is also nearly 3....I would walk away. I would never, ever allow him to see them again. It doesn't matter if the child was actually hurt as a result (if not this time, they will be hurt one day)....the fact is I could never allow my children to be treated so nastily and badly. In my opinion it is assault- would you continue to allow the child to see a friend who did this to them?? A teacher?? Well why allow the father to continue contact if there is any chance he'll do this again. Your poor children- they must be so scared sad

PermanentlyOnEdge Sat 17-Nov-12 18:09:24

Bumping. I only saw this for the first time today, but will happily shout. Your situation unhappily mirrors my own although I believe mine is a more watered down version which leaves me struggling even more with the idea of leaving.

You have got this far. Don't waver.

dippyDoohdah Sat 17-Nov-12 14:12:31

it's pathetic bit I still feel part of me loves him.I miss him, especially at weekends although he was not around much then as he usually worked.why can't I just hate him like other people can hate xp? am trying to get back into church and that frame of mind, but then I think about forgiveness and it makes me wobble.l need some of you that know of me to shout at me please.decree nisi in 2 Weeks, no ounce of me feels happy about that.shouts, please

Mumsyblouse Tue 23-Oct-12 12:12:33

Dippy- well done, I am delighted you have taken action, now keep going!

This man is scary, when anyone challenges him (so in his personal life, work life with colleagues, out in public, you, the children now) he gets aggressive and violent, and believes this to be his right (these ARE his values).

Please stay safe and do exactly as the social worker told you: go through with the divorce, offer him contact centre (his choice if he doesn't use it) and never put youself in a situation like that again, don't be alone with him. All contact through solicitors.

He is scary though, you have always downplayed this, and if you feel unsafe, call the police.

Good luck.

cestlavielife Tue 23-Oct-12 11:51:27

jsut write a card from you .

if he wants to send him a card he can.
you not together any more.

DippyDoohdah Tue 23-Oct-12 11:42:03

thank you all for your support, will update for a bit as it spurs me on getting the support, thank you. I have been guilty of focusing on the good and not the bad and it has been a very emotionally abusive relationship ever since children born.think he wanted me all to himself, but that will never happen and I am starting to feel ok with that now.I am sure that as the distance grows I will go through lots of different emotions about how I let it get to this. really hope I get on the freedom programme,I called a few Weeks ago and nothing back, have just called again.
its one of my sons birthdays this week..is 5.do I write a card and gift from Daddy or just leave it?

Jux Tue 23-Oct-12 11:31:59

Stay strong now, Dippey. You have done the right thing now, and you need to stay on this path.

He is a very dangerous man, and fwiw, I really do think that you will all be much better off if he is completely out of your lives forever.

Please call the police if he kicks off again, though I hope he never gets the opportunity to do so when any of you are there.

cestlavielife Tue 23-Oct-12 11:26:37

well done for taking action - you ahve seen how you supervising it goes wrong. he needs to be seeing them properly supervised where the contact centre people can see how he is and report to SS.
you are on a long road...it aint gonna be easy but stick to your guns so your dc can be safe and see him safely.

olgaga Tue 23-Oct-12 10:35:14

Have lurked on here for a while. Just wanted to say you are a brave woman Dippy, but rather too forgiving for your own good. I also think that your professional experience has perhaps clouded your instincts in this personal matter.

As your children grow and they become even more verbal and annoying, the risk to them will also increase.

I am pleased you have taken action now before the danger to them escalates further.

Please don't give this man any more chances.

Offred Tue 23-Oct-12 10:24:38

Well done dippy, it will be hard but by stepping out a little bit you'll let someone else hopefully take some of the strain of it and you'll be able to get support for you. X

hebetrayedme Tue 23-Oct-12 10:19:27

Well done you. A very brave step.

DippyDoohdah Tue 23-Oct-12 10:11:59

right. I called ss just now.I told them everything and I gave them my details.she said does not meet child protection criteria but is emotional and domestic abuse and I have to act now.so I will stop supervising contact, he can see them at a contact centre and I will request, through my solicitor, that he attends a parenting and anger management course.of he refuses these, he is opting to not see them.am also self referring to freedom programme.

DippyDoohdah Tue 23-Oct-12 09:50:24

the several posts above are all right..I know that.an seeing health visitor today.I know I was wrong to drink and I can see that alcohol creeping back in as his current drug of choice. he told me I am focusing on the negatives and blowing out of proportion the past. I have stood up to him, but he hates it and will not back down to anyone.seeing health visitor later, feel sick all over again

Opentooffers Mon 22-Oct-12 20:22:33

Plus I suggest you cut out the drinking if it is so mind-altering that it makes you decide we are all "drama queens". Seems odd to be drinking in a bar while the kids play on there own as a suggested 'visit', where's the interaction from Dad during that? These are places adults go for a rest and a chat whilst the kids go off and play by themselves, hardly quality time spent together. It makes me wonder if alcohol is factor generally too - mood swings, flash anger - would explain a few things.

Opentooffers Mon 22-Oct-12 20:10:20

So I hope you now realise how stressful supervising these visits would be for you, so why take that task on? Looking through the thread there seems a fixation here that you know you 'have to' supervise him. But you don't, so just don't now you've tried it and it hasn't worked - he still shouted and finger waved in your DS face. You fear him, that's understandable as he is so nasty. Sorry if it seems harsh to say, but as you cannot and do not and have not stood up to him for a long time now, what use are you as a supervisor? Arrange for someone else to do it in an official capacity, or no visits at all.

Offred Mon 22-Oct-12 19:34:17

Look, you are not mad. It doesn't matter what your dad believes or thinks. I really wish you would listen that all this pussyfooting around and pandering to him is not helping, you are just enabling him to harm your children and prolonging the misery. He needs to be presented with a choice to change and begin acting in their best interests or to bugger off. This does not have to be as dramatic as it sounds, it can be gradual but you cannot supervise the contact. There is just no way it will work. You need space from him to heal, he won't listen to you when you try to stick up for the children and it will make him worse, make him focus on you being the problem in his mind rather than his terrible behaviour. Get some separation, he needs to be told by "the system" that what he is doing isn't ok, if he is going to fight anything then it will be the system rather than you and it will help protect the children a little bit and please, please, please don't drink wine in the pub with the children when he is there; you a. Need to keep your wits about you, b. need to make sure he is not drinking at contact which you cant if you drink too and c. Know what "the system" will say about that, you need to be whiter than white and as together as you can be.

hebetrayedme Mon 22-Oct-12 19:22:06

Social Care are unlikely to intervene yet. YOU need to act by stopping contact. That's what they will tell you.

Alambil Sun 21-Oct-12 22:34:41

Dippy the very people who CAN help you in REAL LIFE are Social Care. You KNOW that.

Call them.

During your lunch hour, or take the day off sick, if your partner isn't around

You are NOT MAD. He is making you feel this way - he is controlling everything still.

Remember, this is the most vulnerable time for you all so whatever you do; stay safe.

Call Social Care tomorrow, please.

DippyDoohdah Sun 21-Oct-12 22:13:07

I love my sons far more than I could have loved him

DippyDoohdah Sun 21-Oct-12 21:47:13

I don't want to go to work I want to hide for a few days.if I had some time,I could anonymous call ss

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