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not ok to shake our son...

(135 Posts)
DippyDoohdah Mon 15-Oct-12 22:42:36

my estranged Dh and I have been trying to have some family time before divorce finalised, to make sure w are doing right thing/see if can come back together.long story but includes me feeling very strongly that is too heavy handed with 2 and 4 year old ds..4 year old showing some autistic tendencies.anyway...
yesterday, 2 year old (soon 3) did something minor and Dh told him to say sorry..ds refused a couple of times..Dh got very angry that he was being defied and grabbed ds, raised him in the air in front of him and shook him two or three times, shouting, until ds burst into tears.Dh thinks they need a firm hand.he came to pick them up for nursery this morning and eldest was playing up about not wanting to go out..Dh frog matched him to door, shouting and ds was cowering and trekking me did not want to go..Dh pulled them both out and they both left in tears.
they can be challenging, extremely bright and loving.
I just need a bit if affirmation that this is not ok, no matter how many nice bits can come unbeaten..

colditz Mon 15-Oct-12 22:44:49

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shaken_baby_syndrome

Your children do not need family time with this man, they need to be nowhere near him, ever again.

ChablisLover Mon 15-Oct-12 22:45:10

No it's not ok to shake your son but you know that

I think you also know the answer about your estranged hubby.

Do you want to spend time with some one who is violent? It will get worse.

Get out and stay out and I would have serious concerns on visits to their dad

TaGhoulaTwinkle Mon 15-Oct-12 22:46:23

No, never ok.

sad

birdsnotbees Mon 15-Oct-12 22:46:53

That is absolutely not OK and tbh if someone did that to either of my kids I'd never let them anywhere near them again. Your poor, poor kids.

ladygoingGaga Mon 15-Oct-12 22:48:08

Jesus. No no no no no, it's not ok, go with your gut, if it felt wrong and scary for you imagine what the kids felt.

You need to tell him in no uncertain terms that he does not use physical force with your DCs ever again.

BabylonPI Mon 15-Oct-12 22:48:39

Never ever ok to shake in ANY circumstances.

Do not reconsider divorcing this "man" do everything you can to speed it up and get the hell away from him for good angry

No, not Ok. At all. Ever.

So glad to hear you are getting away from this man.
I agree, I'd have concerns about visiting.

sad

Graciescotland Mon 15-Oct-12 22:51:35

I'm a bit old school in that I don't disagree with smacking but shaking implies a loss of control/ taking your anger out on a child which is unacceptable. He could really hurt your son.

DippyDoohdah Mon 15-Oct-12 22:57:38

I have felt, actually, have known, that even though he can be wonderful with them, his discipline involves him losing control and it makes me feel sick.and confused, paranoid, doubt self. and if I think me challenging it id going to cause further tension, and, on rare occasion, have stopped self from butting in,I have felt that I have failed them.has never beat them, but certainly terrified eldest and now I feel like he has started on youngest..

gingercats Mon 15-Oct-12 22:57:56

Not ok at all, he is being a bully. You are doing the right thing divorcing him. I wouldn't let him 'look after' dc's alone. I'd make it clear the authorities as you divorce about his behaviour. All the best to you

No it is absolutely not ok. DS is now 25 and it has never been ok to shake a child, just incase he tries to tell you it was normal back in 1987 or something. It has never, ever been ok and could result in serious injury or death. I wouldn't let your H anywhere near your DC. Get legal advice and tell your representative what has been happening. It is abuse.

ChristmasKate Mon 15-Oct-12 23:16:53

Goodness no and I'm the short tempered one out of us and I stil know you mustn't grab or shake them sad

crackcrackcrak Mon 15-Oct-12 23:19:22

No. He is showing no patience and anger issues. I would be v concerned about a father losing his temper so easily sad

SirBoobAlot Mon 15-Oct-12 23:20:36

Jesus sad The shaking is disgusting, but also his attitude to the DS's seems foul. You need to call him on this now, because soon he will be spending a lot more time alone with them.

DippyDoohdah Tue 16-Oct-12 06:18:15

when someone said report it to authorities up thread...I can't report to social services, I work with them and I know he would then cut all contact. I am going to hugely call him on it, as well as say that I appreciate his (limited) financial support and contact with boys, but I do not want him to come home, do not trust him...do not want a physical relationship with him.in essence,I choose the boys. he is proud enough to want to finalise this by completing divorce then.still sad though...and I think he will disappear off, in time, to his country of origin

minmooch Tue 16-Oct-12 07:07:07

And if he cuts contact that would be better - you would not have to worry about your dc when they are with him in their own without you to protect them.

And this is him on his best behaviour? Trying to save your marriage? Imagine what he will be like with them when he is not in best behaviour <shudders>.

Your dc are dependent on you to keep them safe and away from a man who terrifies them.

Offred Tue 16-Oct-12 07:09:20

Agree with minmooch. I'd be frightened to let them go with him, if you don't do this the proper way you won't be able to protect them.

Chopstheduck Tue 16-Oct-12 07:21:00

The problem is though, if you don't report him, then you would be seen by ss as neglecting your children by failing to protect them sad

Can you reach some kind of agreement with him where he is not to physically touch them in any way whilst disciplining them?

We've been through the whole ss thing, a long time ago. my dh struggles with the kids at times. The rule in our house, is simply that he doesn't lay a finger on them when chastising them. Being defied does make his blood boil, but he has had to learn to deal with that and recognise that children will be children!

Fairylea Tue 16-Oct-12 07:50:40

I don't understand why you're protecting him.

Your ds is looking to you for confirmation that you are going to stand up for him because he can't do it himself... and you just sent him off with his dad !!!

Sorry but the financial and contact implications mean absolutely nothing.

He assaulted your child.

Abitwobblynow Tue 16-Oct-12 08:19:54

Shaking is very, very dangerous. If he is going to 'vent his feelings' a smack is actually less physically harmful. Shaking to a baby is like being hit by Mike Tyson (the brain bounces back and forth) and can cause brain damage.

Seriously, call the police. Even bullies need boundaries.

DippyDoohdah Tue 16-Oct-12 09:21:47

the police? really? it was heavy handed but he is nearly three and it was not rigorous or ongoing shaking. please don't slate me.I am not defending him but I also do not want to take their Dad away..he can be amazing with them.what if I insist he goes on a parenting course?

TiAAAAARGHo Tue 16-Oct-12 09:32:10

Shaking a three year old can still kill them. Also, if something does happen, you yourself could be implicated as an accessory for allowing it to happen. Sorry, to be blunt but you know he acts in a way that endangers your child, and regardless of how he can be at other times, the only contact he should be having with he children ( who e clearly does lot care about if he would just cut all contact) should be in a carefully monitored and assessed environment.

TiAAAAARGHo Tue 16-Oct-12 09:34:21

Also, one punch to the head can kill. The damage caused by a small amount of shaking ciuld be equally bad.

Iggly Tue 16-Oct-12 09:39:10

An amazing dad does not shake his children.

Can you be amazing when you beat your child with one hand and cuddle them with the other?

Your children are scared of their dad. That is sad. One day that might ask why you didn't protect them.

Our step dad used to beat my brother, really lay into him. I remember one incident where I was screaming at him to stop, mum whimpered pathetically but did fuck all. I have children and ask myself "why the fuck didn't she stop him?". I can't quite respect her partly because of that amongst other reasons.

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