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Red shoes, charming lesbians and pirates with taste...Dating Thread 24

(1000 Posts)
ChaoticismyLife Mon 15-Oct-12 16:36:32

It's the best I could come up with grin

As you were...

FateLovesTheFearless Tue 23-Oct-12 15:48:44

MadameO - it's all experience, I have learned a lot about what I want after marriage and subsequent relationship. Onwards and upwards smile

bantamrooster Tue 23-Oct-12 15:47:41

Western oh I'm sorry I missed you question. Well I can't speak for all blokes, but yes at least personally I second guess myself at least as much as other people on here seem to. I think we're probably less focused on things like 'now she's slept with me, is that all she wanted' but we still don't want to seem too needy, or too aloof, and trying to find the right way to act with someone is tough when you still don't know them very well.

I dated a girl a few years ago, and I decided going into it that I'd just be honest, upfront, tell her how I felt - after telling her that was what I was going to do rather than this game-playing bullshit. If I wanted to text her, I'd text her, if she wanted to mail/call me etc, then do it. None of this 'how will this look?' second-guessing angst.

Which went fine for a month or so until she told me she'd got back together with her ex as he had apologised for all the cheating, and she'd been seeing him all along.

So being open and honest can be fine, but you can never tell what someone is thinking. Protecting yourself is good, but that can come across as aloofness. Being communicative can be seen as being too needy. All a bit pants really, isn't it?

bantamrooster Tue 23-Oct-12 15:39:11

I read somewhere that when you're at college, it's the arty, flamboyant people who catch the attention. But it's the quiet little scientist in the corner who actually changes the world.

MadameOvary Tue 23-Oct-12 15:35:20

Fate I love it. grin
I used to wonder what women saw in normal (ie boring) men. Where was the excitement, the passion, the deep meaningful conversation, the drama. Anyone who wasn't arty in some way just didn't appeal to me. blush
That's shallow. Now I know what is really important, and what I need, I want to roll my eyes at my younger self.

I'm not sorry though, as I'll never be one of those women who regrets never having taken risks and lived a bit.

Yogagirl17 Tue 23-Oct-12 15:31:36

snape - thinking of you, lots of luck and hugs and pie and whatever else you need to get through it! xx

bantamrooster Tue 23-Oct-12 15:29:53

western - sometime this coming weekend, we're both child-free but she has a prior commitment on the Saturday evening. I'll text her and ask which day is better.

snapespeare Tue 23-Oct-12 15:28:06

IV Little stranger thank you. I do feel you all cheering me on. I can't guarantee a happy ending, indeed I'm feeling a bit pessimistic tbh, but I know it needs done. We're on for 8 o'clock. I have a half bottle of single malt in my bag & when I've finished DS1s case conference, I'm going home to sling together an Apple pie, because pie equates to love & its a made thing, so if I shite-it (i won't, I promise) then pie cures all.

Thank you for being with me. smile

FateLovesTheFearless Tue 23-Oct-12 15:25:55

Haha madamO, better than loaded or maxim I suppose! grin

Yogagirl17 Tue 23-Oct-12 15:24:29

Think am getting a bit jaded already - assuming once i meet him I won't want to see him again. That's bad, right?

FateLovesTheFearless Tue 23-Oct-12 15:23:43

Western - the day I know how men think, I will have been reincarnated as one! Seriously, I am sure some do, maybe the more sensitive ones. The laid back type, probably not as much. That's my theory anyways. smile

Going to see what is on that bedside table!

OhWesternWind Tue 23-Oct-12 15:19:17

Fate Bantam everyone - do you think that blokes go through this stage too?

Bantam glad to hear about your date with Science Girl. Sounds good so far . . . have you actually arranged date 2?

Yoga - time to get shut of NY Boy. Soup Boy sounds much better! A few nerves are good, I think . . . Not too long til Thursday and then you will know.

MadameOvary Tue 23-Oct-12 15:19:07

ooh Fate - I do that! Try to use logic to temper the craziness. Quite chuffed to know I've been using CBT! And yeah, geeks are cool, having had more than my fair share of actors, writers and artists most of whom were self-obsessed eejits with the emotional depth of a gnat I can completely see the appeal of the Geek.

Mine has this on his bedside table grin

Yogagirl17 Tue 23-Oct-12 15:08:02

Sponge I know what you mean about match - to reiterate a them "it don't impress me much". I honestly think you will have better luck with the men from GS if you can find a couple you want to talk to.

NyBoy is beginning to piss me off I think it may be time to block (guilt!). Despite telling him i just want to be friends/pen pals (and never having met), I'm still getting lots of needy vibes from him - 'I haven't heard from you much', 'are you ok?', blah blah blah...

Nervous about SoupBoy. It's fun when it's just chatting, I can be all funny and clever but then we have to meet and I have to decide if I fancy him (I'm so shallow) or if he fancies me. Urgh - why do we put ourselves through this?

I'm in a bad mood again. My boiler is playing up. I had to take the dog to the vet so I'm down £35 AND my car is covered in dog hair. Phoned the recruiter again and turns out she's on holiday all week so now I've got someone else chasing this up for me. And I am just generally tired, bored and f-ing fed up.

FateLovesTheFearless Tue 23-Oct-12 15:00:26

MadamOvary - geeks are cool. I am an IT geek and proud grin

FateLovesTheFearless Tue 23-Oct-12 14:59:23

Western - I think most lassies go through a stage of 'oh shit he isn't interested anymore' or 'I am making a twat of myself' and exactly around the time you realise you are starting to like the bloke properly. I wouldn't tell him anything, just ride it out. It's a phase and it will pass.

One of the things I learned with CBT was to question the logic of your thoughts. Say you are thinking he is losing interest. Find the evidence to back up that thought. If there isn't any evidence to be found then its just one of those self esteem thoughts that are no use to man or beast and ignore it. I use that method for a lot of my crazy thoughts (I am a little insane at times) and it helps you get a grip so to speak smile

MadameOvary Tue 23-Oct-12 14:33:21

Bantam lol as I used to call mine ScienceBoy. It seems geeks are on the ascendant! Yes, you're right, you can't tell anything from a first date sadly, including whether there will be a second, even if it's discussed at the time. Fingers crossed for you though!

bantamrooster Tue 23-Oct-12 14:22:47

well I just had a coffee date/lunch with ScienceGirl. First date but she wants to do a second (I broke my own rule by asking her at the end of the date rather than a call/text later to avoid awkwardness if the answer is 'no')

Nice girl, has a son just younger than my youngest, we kind of work in the same field and have similar music/tv/book tastes. So I'm kind of confident. Although if I've learned anything from OD so far it's not to read too much into a first date

Sponge - I'm on Match (although not in kent/london) - PM me your profile name and I can critique it from a blokes point of view if you want?

MadameOvary Tue 23-Oct-12 14:19:33

Western You just have to be honest and tell him what you've just told us! I've just been speaking my mind with regard to stuff like that, but that's because I'm resolutely determined to be my crazy self as I actually can't be arsed playing it cool. If he likes me then he likes me and not my cool persona.
So he knew pretty early on that I wasn't going to be snogging on the 2nd or even third date, let alone anything else, and he knew why. I think he understood and accepted this as his reaction was "Because you want to get it right" which was just about the best thing he could have said.

He's not gushy about his feelings but I know that he likes me, and he'll happily answer any questions I have. It also doesn't hurt that afterwards I was asking how he was feeling and he said, without any ceremony, that he felt like "the luckiest guy in the world" smile

hatesponge Tue 23-Oct-12 14:12:57

snape she is no competition. she could never create anything as fab as the notebook!

mac Well done for getting rid of needybloke! POF isnt great, once I've deleted all the perves and thickos it doesn't leave anyone much. We'll see. The men on Match are a bit fugly tbh, I suspect I could prob get Date 2 with some of them but really wouldn't want one date with let alone a 2nd!

If anyone else is on Match, would you mind having a look for blokes 35-45 in the London/Kent area, and PM me with any vaguely attractive ones please? <begs>

OhWesternWind Tue 23-Oct-12 14:02:42

Yes, Madame, you've articulated it exactly. It is starting to Mean Something now and I really really don't want to cock it up. Everything is going well, he's saying and doing the right things but I am turning into Mac's horrible pestering bloke inside.

I have shot myself in the foot though I think with him several times by being blase and playing it cool, just out of defensiveness eg I know several times when he has paid me a compliment I've just turned it into a joke/made a silly comment instead of accepting it properly, when we were talking about not seeing other people I said "Well, I don't want to see anyone else . . . for the moment" and then not picked up on his not-very-subtle hints about doing other things with me just in case that's not what he meant and I feel like a fool . . . I can see why he might be a bit wary about me to be honest and I want to get beyond this and be able to show my feelings a bit more though not in a scary way. I have said some nice things to him like I really enjoy his company and things like that, but how can I redeem myself?

Alittlestranger Tue 23-Oct-12 13:53:38

Will it freak Snape out if oodles of us de-lurk to say "what IV said"?!? It might happen... I am Spartacus and PM must see sense.

DoingItForMyself Tue 23-Oct-12 13:51:00

I love that MmeO. So true. The 'smell' thing is important to me too - my pillows smell of him when he's gone and its addictive - we both think smell is a highly under-rated sense, it can evoke memories so strongly!

And yes, the good ones are just like us, they've had their hearts broken, but they've picked themselves up, they're moving on and they're looking to be loved too.

MadameOvary Tue 23-Oct-12 13:43:58

Offers <wetfish> to Western
I am feeling better today, not least because a) My top smelled of his place and brought back all the good stuff and b) we had a nice text exchange, plus he's emailed me today.
I'll tell you why you're nervous, well, if it's for the same reason I am, because Sex has happened, and it was good, now you know you like them and fancy them, and they're nice to sleep with as well, so all in all it now Means Something so you can't be all cool about it
Damn those bonding sex hormones eh?
Thing is, if they're good guys then we can feel as trembly and trepidatious as we like, cos they're not players and we're safe.

OhWesternWind Tue 23-Oct-12 13:36:49

Thanks, Pie, that's really kind. All that has happened is he didn't reply to a text on Sunday (which he has done before and I've done the same to him so it is not a big deal) then I got myself a bit wound up yesterday about how often I see him/making arrangements etc. I think it's after the ridiculously good sex on Saturday - there is a part of me that thinks, oh well, he's got what he wants so that's it and there is nothing to suggest this. I think I am going to stop/limit texting, not that I text very much, but it can be a bit unsatisfactory and it's very very easy to read things the wrong way. Sometimes I read back things that I wrote and think it sounds horrible and I really didn't mean it like that.

Two weeks is a long time to wait - maybe limit the chatting in between (see above re texting!) so things don't get too over-heated? And why Scrumpy btw?

internationalvulva Tue 23-Oct-12 13:36:14

hi all, I've been lurking on this thread and your past ones for ages, mostly on behalf of a friend who is on the roller coaster of internet dating (so am not just some loopy stalker, honest)

Snape your posts today and yesterday have prompted me to post. You have to go through with this and give him the notebook, he must know in no uncertain terms that for you it is him and no-one else, because otherwise these silly other women who clearly don't see the 'taken' stamp you have on him will continue to predate him!
I have been on a countdown to notebook day for ages now, I am hoping with screwed up tight eyes and both fingers crossed that once he sees it he will snog the living daylights out of you and carry you off into the sunset. He's a freaking nutter if he doesn't.
Fuck orange girl, she is his past YOU are his future, you are the one with the amazing connection and deep friendship, she's just a has- been who is mini stalking him on FB! But unless he knows how you feel he'll be tempted!
I hope you don't mind my asking, but I'm convinced I read ages ago that you said to someone that you'd made a move on him before? What happened there?

Hope I haven't breached thread etiquette by posting as a non dater, but I really wanted to say GOOD LUCK!

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