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Bf admitted to sleeping with his ex.

(133 Posts)
HeartLess Sun 14-Oct-12 18:23:55

Bf of a year and a half told me last night that he slept with his ex on a business trip 6 months ago. She lives in another country and he has another business trip planned for the end of the month back to that country. I don't know what to do. I thought we had something very special. We had no problems at the time and are sex life is great. He said that it was just a one nightstand after drinking too much. I asked him why he told me and his answer was because it was nothing and that it ment nothing. I love him and don't know what to do. Today I told him that I hated him and that I never wanted to see him again. Im so upset and angry. He is asking what he can do to change this and I don't have an answer. I want him to be part of my future but an the othe hand I don't want to spend the whole time he is away worrying that he's in bed with this OW. I'm not very good at confrontational conversations and cry easily. Any advice welcome. What would you do..? I can't let him get away with it as an open relationship is fine for some people but not for me. I trusted him 100% am gutted..!

HeartLess Sun 14-Oct-12 18:28:42

If they cheat do they always cheat.? Never in a million years would I have done the same to him.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 14-Oct-12 18:32:25

Stick to the not seeing him again line. You've done exactly the right thing because you'll never be able to trust this man again. I can't really work out why he told you either. As if it wasn't bad enough to screw around, blabbing about it like that was an utterly selfish and stupid thing to do. What reaction was he honestly expecting?!?

MyDonkeysAZombie Sun 14-Oct-12 18:33:13

So he said nothing until last night and there's another trip in the offing. Was he apologetic, contrite and remorseful about this or is it just in his mind likely to recur? After all, according to him, it meant nothing. He could as easily sleep with anyone, you were oblivious, to make it even worse it happened to be his ex?!

RobynRidingHood Sun 14-Oct-12 18:33:38

He told you because he feels guilty. You would never have found out, but he feels guilty and off loaded that guilt. Guilt implies he has strong feeling for you. if he didn't give a shit, he'd never have told you.

Only you can decise if it is salvageable or whether you want to end the relationship.

And no, an opportune moment does not always make a serial cheater.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 14-Oct-12 18:34:30

Some cheats do it again. Others don't. It's immaterial really.... what you've got here is the worst kind of cheat. i.e a really stupid one who thinks you're so easily fooled that a quick 'it meant nothing' gets him off the hook. hmm

HeartLess Sun 14-Oct-12 18:36:09

Not remorseful as he keeps on saying it was nothing. I can't talk to anyone in RL everyone likes him.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 14-Oct-12 18:36:52

"Guilt implies he has strong feeling for you"

The hell it does. It just makes him a selfish bastard He may well feel better for having spilled the beans. Bully for him!!! Doesn't give a flying focaccia how the OP feels.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 14-Oct-12 18:37:39

You can tell anyone you like in RL. I bet they don't like him half as much as you think.

Mum2Fergus Sun 14-Oct-12 18:37:48

It wasnt 'nothing' ... and the fact that thats how he considers it almost makes it worse in my opinion. He's happy to throw away what you have/had together for 'nothing'. It also speaks volumes for his opinion on women in general, ex or not-he still chose to take advantage of a situation. Once a cheat, always a cheat...sorry OP.

HeartLess Sun 14-Oct-12 18:38:37

Robyn I would really like to believe what you are saying about the guilt.

RobynRidingHood Sun 14-Oct-12 18:39:03

Guilt implies he needs to make a clean breast of it. Or he wouldnt have bothered telling you.

MardyArsedMidlander Sun 14-Oct-12 18:39:30

If it was just 'nothing'- then why did he bother doing it? Saying that means he's treating two women with utter disrespect- his ex and YOU.

RobynRidingHood Sun 14-Oct-12 18:44:26

Doing it because the opportunity was there with someone familiar. A fuck buddy if you like. He's told you, albeit 6 months later just as he is about to bump into her again? he's terrified he's going to get into the same situation - off load the guilt onto you and he can be up front that you know and the Ex can go whistle if the same circumstances arise.

As ever, alcohol involved. I'd d suggest he stops knocking back corporate paid for beverages and keeps his wits about him.

but all of that is irrelevent. How do YOU feel? You've said you wanted to make a life with him. It's too early to tell if you can repaire the relationship or whether you are going to tell him to sling his hook for good.

HeartLess Sun 14-Oct-12 18:49:50

I feel numb. I don't really now how I feel to be honest. Sad, betrayed let down are feelings that spring to mind.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 14-Oct-12 18:50:09

Are you a man or something Robyn???? It is not 'too early'!!! And he's far from 'terrified' of getting into the same situation.... he's just prepping up the OP for the next time he accidentally fucks someone. He's the type that thinks they just have to say 'sorry' and bat their eyelashes to get away with blue murder. Indulgent parents perhaps? Private education? Confess to your little indiscretions, the little woman forgives you, then the next time it happens you pull the same 'it was nothing' thing and you know you're on a winner because she's already used to the idea.

Get shot of this one OP.... there's something nasty about him.

Doha Sun 14-Oct-12 18:50:53

he is an arsewipe. why did he tell you now knowing he was going back to ow's country soon ?
There must be more to it than guilt as there was no way you could have found out unless he thought he was going to be rumbled. The fact it meant nothing to him is utterly disgraceful and insulting both to you and the ow.
Do you honestly think he would never do it again?
Could you be at ease everytime he was abroad? who is to say he would not have another "meaningless" shag again

MyDonkeysAZombie Sun 14-Oct-12 18:50:56

"Just a one night stand after drinking too much" and his ex was the one his dick fell into. Sorry OP you must be very shocked and upset. Don't rush into a decision, take your time. It helps to offload on here but if you can think of someone in real life you can trust to take into your confidence then talk it over.

ErikNorseman Sun 14-Oct-12 18:53:56

If he slept with his ex I'd guess he has unfinished business with her, and you should move on sad

HeartLess Sun 14-Oct-12 18:54:02

Part of me wants to dump him. The other part of me does not want to loose the best thing that has every happens to me. I thought he was the one. I will not sit here while he fucks his way around the world tho. As for the alcohol I have never seen him drunk, tipsy once or twice but never ever drunk he's not that type. Which makes his drunken excuse worse.

Doha Sun 14-Oct-12 18:56:11

And it just so happens he was uncharactoristically drunk and the ex just happened to be there, legs akimbo !!!!
How very convenient for him
LIAR

dequoisagitil Sun 14-Oct-12 18:56:26

If I was you, I would kick him to the kerb. Life is short, relationships are built on trust - it's such a struggle to rebuild after something like this.

You have only been together a relatively short time and no dc - you can do better than someone who takes 'opportunities'. It's no kind of life with the underlying fear of a repeat.

snooter Sun 14-Oct-12 18:57:14

Strange that he's taken all this time to say anything - I wonder whether she's been pestering him & he wanted to tell you before you found out by other means. Only you can know whether trust can be rebuilt & if you choose to stay with him it will take a long time before the relationship works normally. It will never be the same again, but it might be workable - a lot of relationships survive infidelity. Best wishes & good luck with whatever you decide.

HeartLess Sun 14-Oct-12 18:57:33

I would have had no way of finding out. The ex could have found me through fb and told me but that would have been 6 months ago, not now. So he was off scot free until he told me himself.

Did you ask how they got to the point of sleeping together again?

Had they been in constant contact since their break up? Are they still in contact now? Did you know he was planning on seeing her while he was away?

Even if you forgive this you won't be able to trust him again. Why put yourself through that?

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