Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

please help me wise mumsnetters, in turmoil have 'found' first love on Facebook

(19 Posts)
dutchholidaygirl Thu 11-Oct-12 19:25:44

I really need some kind or wise words, first time in 7 years on MN!!

I know the perils of looking up old flames on Facebook etc, but found myself at a low ebb last night for all sorts of reasons sad. I randomly googled my first love from 17 years ago, could not believe it I found a link to his Facebook page, I just can not explain how it has affected me (negatively)'

We met when I was v early twenties and he was a decade older, he was an incredibly compelling, intriguing and attractive man and I was a fairly innocent but headstrong young woman with so many hopes and plans for my life sad

We had an incredible year long love affair, he was and remains the most fantastic lover I have ever had and I have never loved anyone as much as him, ever.

I gave everything to him, body mind and spirit and it ended when he confided he had slept with another woman. he begged me to forgive him but I couldn't and I left him. a few months later I left the city we were living in to peruse a 'new' life in London.

My new life was not what I had planned and I had a nervous breakdown (debt, attempted rape amonstvall sorts of things) and was very ill for a long time after although I did manage to qualify in my chosen field and eventually started to get over him (it took years and years)

I have thought of him often over the years and have occasionally looked him up on the internet, never found anything before so imagine my shock to see his (much older!) face staring out of the page at me!!!

What makes it worse is that he has been married for years and years to what seems to be a fantastic woman, won't go into details for obvious reasons but she is everything a man would want and more, a beautiful high achiever, they have an idyllic country life with beautiful kids and she does a high profile, high level job plus loads of charity work.

it has just brought into focus all of my regrets, lost dreams and sadness over my own life and I am really struggling today......any hand holding or advice much appreciated.

nitrox Thu 11-Oct-12 19:30:36

Never believe everything you see/read on FaceBook...

What happened in your own life to make you feel so sad and lost about this?

Sorry you are feeling so down x

dutchholidaygirl Thu 11-Oct-12 19:37:43

Nitrox thank you for your kindness in replying...it has made me cry...
I am with Amanda who does not love me, we have been tohetherbforneight years and have two beautiful Dc. I feel incredibly lonely and can see no way out (vv complicated, not just a question of 'leaving the bastard' or would have done so a long while ago)

I suppose It has reconnected me to my younger self who was able to love and live intensely, but who did not manage to fulfil her dreams....I'm not sure...

dutchholidaygirl Thu 11-Oct-12 19:38:36

'Amanda' should read 'a man' bloody auto correct!

purplehouse Thu 11-Oct-12 19:41:41

I have to be blunt and think you are looking at the past without logic. He cheated on you but your descriptions of him paint him as Mr Wonderful.

As well, people fill Facebook with gloaty stuff. He's hardly going to advertise it if he's cheated on his wife for example.

I think you should prob focus on what's going on now and trying to fix the things that are upsetting you.

purplehouse Thu 11-Oct-12 19:43:22

Why don't you post about your difficulties with h and see if any mumsnetters can help you?

He's probably still an unfaithful swine and his DW throws herself into her career and charity work to keep her mind off it.

But this is probably more about where you are and who you're with now, rather than who you're not with.

dutchholidaygirl Thu 11-Oct-12 19:44:40

Purple you are right in a way of course, if I was happy (really happy) then it would be insignificant. he was by no means perfect but by the looks of things this wonderful woman has brought him the happiness and fulfilment I always dreamed of but didn't/couldn't.

ArterialSpurtMonkey Thu 11-Oct-12 19:45:00

Don't go pining after the past. He can't have been all that if he shagged someone else can he? There was a reason you couldn't forgive him. That person, that younger you, who had high standards and dignity and expected to be treated with respect and didn't settle for anything less, that is the person you should be pining for, not mr shagabout. You are still that person. Tell us what's holding you back at the minute. Let's see what ideas people have to fix it.

dutchholidaygirl Thu 11-Oct-12 19:50:04

well I would not know where to start withbresoectbto my real problems.

I have lost all feelings of love for my partner. the reasons are complicat but essentially, he was never able to love me how I wanted/needed to be loved, and possibly as a consequence of that (or more likely one of the reasons I don't love him anymore, it's difficult to say) he has become emotionally cruel and sometimes outright abusive.

He is himself a high achiever (it frustrates him that I do not have the drive, ability or earning potential that he does) but he also suffers with some mental health problems which add to his unpredictability etc, I live walking on eggshells and can never relax. can't see how I can survive many more years.

ArterialSpurtMonkey Thu 11-Oct-12 19:52:32

Oh that sounds horrible sad and you are trapped with him you say? In what way are you? What's keeping you there?

izzyizin Thu 11-Oct-12 19:54:24

It always looks good in the glossy photos, honey, but the reality behind many seemingly enviable lifestyles can leave much to be desired.

It may be he's busy raising a certain part of his anatomy while his dw's raising funds for charity, or maybe she has a roving eye. It could be that their lives do resemble a fairytale, but who knows what the future may have in store for them.

You're best advised to simply accept that, for reasons you may or may not come to understand, you and he weren't destined to have a longterm relationship in this lifetime.

Don't spend time regretting what might have been; any pain and hardship you've been through in the past 17 years has given you invaluable opportunity to learn and grow and I hope you'll resolve to continue following your own star without looking back.

izzyizin Thu 11-Oct-12 19:58:17

Why do you feel compelled to stay in a loveless relationship with an abusive man when you can live free of fear?

Looksgoodingravy Thu 11-Oct-12 20:00:43

Don't read anything into the way fb portrays life.

Mine for example would have you believe that my life has absolutely fine over the past six months rather than a life that's been completely turned on its head due to dp's infidelities, the world (other than close family and friends) knows no difference, so don't take everything you read as real.

Your yearning for that feeling you had probably rather than the person..possibly.

Looksgoodingravy Thu 11-Oct-12 20:01:17

*you're

dutchholidaygirl Thu 11-Oct-12 21:23:55

Thanks for all the replies. I think deep down he was always the one that got away (he begged me for many months to forgive him/take him back) but I was far too proud (not a bad thing but it cost me dear). He had 'issues' (mainly drink but also recreational drug use) , and complicated issues from. His childhood (can't go into details as they would be so unusual as to identify him) but the effect was a huge fear of abandonment, which in hindsight was most likely the reason he 'tested' my love by being unfaithful. not making excuses for him because what he did was still a terrible unnecessary hurtful thing, but with the benefit of hindsight I failed that test and then spent years beating myself up over it all.

my 'd' p and I have not slept together for three years now and I do not think. We ever will again. he has no desire for me (if I am honest I have often wondered if he is gay, ther have been some suggestions that he may be),

I have told him how be unhappy I am in the. Relationship but he always forces me into a corner wher I am just not brave enough to break free.

maybe that is whybInretat into a fantasy life,as it is my only escape.

izzyizin Thu 11-Oct-12 21:36:53

The 'one that got away' was NOT the love of your life; had he been you'd have had no problem in forgiving his infidelity the first time but you would have re-evaulated whether he was the love of your life when he did it the second time ... as he would inevitably have done.

Also please disabuse yourself of the notion that he was unfaithful in order to 'test' you as the only reason he screwed around was because he was, and most probably still is, a self-centred, self-entilted, twat who thinks he's god's gift to women.

When anyone forces you into a corner, channel your inner rat; jump up onto their shoulder and jump down from it after having delivered a bite to their neck, or run between their legs.

By retreating into the realms of fantasy, all you're doing is storing up more regrets that will torment you in later life and, by continuing in a relationship that does nothing to enhance your life, you are setting an appalling example for any dc you may have.

Next time you find yourself walking on eggshells, stamp on them and feel the solid ground under your feet.

dequoisagitil Thu 11-Oct-12 21:57:00

If it was a 'test', there is no guarantee it would have been the only one - chances are it would have happened again and again. Your current unhappiness is what makes this ex look so good.

ArterialSpurtMonkey Thu 11-Oct-12 22:25:02

He's not sounding like much of a prince tbh love, even though you're having a good go at putting a positive spin on his behaviour. Is there anything you can do to build your self esteem back up and get a bit of freedom for yourself? When you say your h backs you into a corner about leaving, what do you mean? Financially? Or to do with the children? Because legally that's mainly probably bollocks you know.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now