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I have upset DH and I dont know how to fix it.

(42 Posts)
Vagaceratops Thu 11-Oct-12 18:23:29

I have been mulling this over for a while and I dont know what to do. Sorry if its rambling.

I have a private, stakeholder pension. I have had it for a couple of years. I pay into it from my own account (not our joint one).

DH has a pension he has paid into for work, this comes out of our joint account. He has always said that this is our retirement fund.

I opened my own because I dont want to be left with nothing should anything happen to us. I think this is DH's main issue, that I have a back-up plan.

He is quite miffed, in a 'are you not committed' way. I have tried explaining that its only just for worst case scenario, especially as I have been a SAHM/Carer for the last 5 years. I am 100% committed and can see my future with DH.

What do I do. I cant fix it and there is an awful tension in the house.

I would see a Financial Adviser who specialises in pensions. That would definitely put his mind at ease as Viperidae said.

I used to work for a lovely one actually, before kids. They do exist wink

Not really no. It all helps, but the more you contribute the better or start young.

You do get tax relief on your contributions, which is a small bonus too.

Viperidae Thu 11-Oct-12 22:07:18

Isn't a pension only efficient for you if you earn over a certain amount each year? I know it was when my DCs were young but that is quite some time ago so may have changed.

I think a financial advosir would be a good idea to plan together for the future and put your DHs mind at rest that all your assets are joint.

Jax2218 Thu 11-Oct-12 21:46:44

Very interesting thread. I don't have a pension and I am a SAHM, it does frighten me a little especially as my dh is older and I am more likely to out live him. He will have a good pension, but I am hoping next year to start saving around £75 per month towards my old age, I'll need to find a job first lol

I think it is a great idea what you are doing. But a pension fund is slightly different to a saving plan for if things go wrong.

I haven't read the whole thread but if you did split, there can be a pension share order nowadays anyway wink So you may get some of his on divorce.

But being serious for a moment, surely you nominated him as your beneficiary should you die and vice versa? And both of you saving for retirement can only be a good thing. Have you asked for an illustration/ projection recently to see how much you would get possibly at retirement? It's always worth asking for one, to see if you need to increase your contribution.

I think as you say, he is hurt due to your reason for setting one up and for the fact he didn't know. But all you can do is apologise for that stating the obvious but most couples do contribute to their own pension each. He is being bit daft if he wants to only save towards one pension for both of you. No matter how generous his pension scheme is. You shouldn't put all your eggs in one basket and all that.

maleview70 Thu 11-Oct-12 21:34:14

Saving for the future is a good idea for everyone wether married or not.

I would however think very seriously about how you save for retirement.

Whilst pensions attract tax relief, the end result can be disappointing.

A woman with a pension fund of £50,000 would currently get a pension at 65 of around £50 a week!

Unless you are saving a decent amount I would have a rethink.

RowanMumsnet (MNHQ) Thu 11-Oct-12 21:24:04

Oh dear, no we haven't - the button seems to be broken...

Apologies, will try again in a moment

RowanMumsnet (MNHQ) Thu 11-Oct-12 21:18:23

Hi there

We've moved this one to Relationships now

HearMyRoar Thu 11-Oct-12 21:01:01

It sounds to me like this is not really about the pension at all but is really about the idea that you are concerned about the possibility that you might split up in the future. I think this is the bit you need to address an jus ignore the whole pension business as it is just a red herring really.

I think there are people, like myself, who like to plan for all eventualities however unlikely they maybe and it doesn't cross our minds that someone else might assume that because we have a plan in place for it we therefore think its going to actually happen. Its like having a zombie epidemic plan, just because I have one doesn't mean I think zombies are going to appear at any moment. I just like to be prepared just in case. It sounds to me that the issue is that your dh just doesn't get why anyone would feel the need for a zombie plan whereas you do.

Did that actually make any sense at all...god, I need more sleep!

amillionyears Thu 11-Oct-12 20:22:58

Does he have any money at all that is just in his name. That might help him to feel that things are more equal.

potbelliedbaby Thu 11-Oct-12 19:57:52

This is strange. If he is concerned that you are building up a stash of cash to leave him, I would suggest there is a lack of communication between the two of you. If you are secure and comfortable in your relationship with each other, he should accept that this is a 'just in case' fund, which will never be used and hopefully will be a tidy sum for the pair of you to spend together.

If he is concerned that you have a 'just in case' fund in the first place, then he is (apologies) being immature. It's like objecting to signing a pre-nup because it's suggestive of a lack of commitment. Which is, of course, nonsense.

Shit happens, and everyone is better off preparing for that eventuality, as long as it doesn't jeopardise the here and now, which your pension pot wouldn't. If you stay together for as long as you both shall live, then your pension will presumably be spent on the both of you.

He should be understanding of your mother's predicament, and of your sensitivity to the same thing ever happening to you. None of us knows what the future holds, and willfully putting your head in the sand in the name of romanticism if, imho, foolish. Far more romantic to save towards a once in a lifetime holiday the two of you can go on when you're 75!

Vagaceratops Thu 11-Oct-12 19:56:32

If you wanted an escape route surely you would be keeping your money in a 'dash cash' account rather than in a pension

That is exactly what I said to DH.

amillionyears Thu 11-Oct-12 19:52:50

pooxlepants last sentence. That is what I was wondering. If you were to divorce,would he be able to have half of yours.
Because else,it could be that if you divorce,you get all of yours and half of his.
Personally,that is why DH and I have all things financially joint.To stop arguments or upsets about it all. It suits us,but probably wouldnt suit everyone.

Vagaceratops Thu 11-Oct-12 19:51:27

I claim carers allowance and this is paid into my own account Acinonyx.

poozlepants Thu 11-Oct-12 19:43:25

I am a SAHM I have a stakeholder pension. DH has a pension from work which will be our main retirement fund. He is a pensions actuary and was insistent that I set up my own pension and made other investments -as someone said to spread the risk around. Diversification is the name of the game - when you come to use your pensions to buy annuities to fund your retirement all your eggs won't be in the one basket and it might give you more flexibility about the type of things you can invest in.
If you wanted an escape route surely you would be keeping your money in a 'dash cash' account rather than in a pension.
Your pension wouldn't be'yours' anymore than his would be 'his' if you decided to split up. It's just a case of prudent investment.

Acinonyx Thu 11-Oct-12 19:39:47

Just curious - if you are a SAHM - how are you able to pay for your own pension with your own money?? Where do you get that money from (I love the idea of having a pension but can't imagine how I'd pay for it!)?

BitOutOfPractice Thu 11-Oct-12 19:39:35

What about if he dies before you. Usually oension is halved and you'd be screwed. It's just like a life assurance thing

Might that work?

Vagaceratops Thu 11-Oct-12 19:34:00

I dont know if I can take back what I have said though sad.

I will try again to explain it to him.

rollmeover Thu 11-Oct-12 18:59:42

Ok, so he does want to you have a pension but he is unsettled by the idea that you are thinking of it as an escape route. Is this poor communication? So slightly different. He is still being an idiot but if you have couched it in those terms exactly then you could see why it might put his nose out.

He says that his pension is "yours" - do you view your pension also as "yours" or for you alone?

To me it seems like sensible financial planning for everyone to have a pension and financial independence but I think you need to explain why you want that security (a look on the relationship boards at all the middle adged men who leave their partners is good enough) not that you think he is going to leave you (or you him).

Vagaceratops Thu 11-Oct-12 18:53:27

I suppose its the idea of why I started the pension, so that I wouldnt be screwed if we did split.

I can see why he is upset. He think I think we are doomed to failure which I dont at all, but I do want a back-up plan.

He does want me to have a pension, but not for those reasons I suppose.

DontmindifIdo Thu 11-Oct-12 18:53:07

hmm, perhaps explain to him it's not about "what if DH leaves me?" more "What if DH is hit by a bus and I don't get his full pension?" or "What if DH's pension isn't enough for us to live off?"

Ask him why it's important to him that you are reliant on him in old age?

NathanDetroit Thu 11-Oct-12 18:45:18

I'm confused - does he not want you to have a pension at all, or pay into a joint one? Why wouldn't he want you to be OK when you're older, regardless of him?

Is he like this about other things, although I can't think of any examples

Oldandcobwebby Thu 11-Oct-12 18:45:06

I speak as a bloke! I am so glad that my wife has her own pension, hence building us a bigger nest egg. To say that this makes her uncommitted to our marriage is crazy. Everyone who can afford it should save towards their retirement.

Call yours the Golden Wedding Cruise Fund or something to make it sound less "formal" - maybe he is just having a "OMG I am mortal" moment and doesn't want to think about the circumstances which would leave you alone iyswim.

AThingInYourLife Thu 11-Oct-12 18:42:37

So he wants to to be financially vulnerable to prove your commitment to him?

That is some seriously screwed up reasoning.

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