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I have upset DH and I dont know how to fix it.

(42 Posts)
Vagaceratops Thu 11-Oct-12 18:23:29

I have been mulling this over for a while and I dont know what to do. Sorry if its rambling.

I have a private, stakeholder pension. I have had it for a couple of years. I pay into it from my own account (not our joint one).

DH has a pension he has paid into for work, this comes out of our joint account. He has always said that this is our retirement fund.

I opened my own because I dont want to be left with nothing should anything happen to us. I think this is DH's main issue, that I have a back-up plan.

He is quite miffed, in a 'are you not committed' way. I have tried explaining that its only just for worst case scenario, especially as I have been a SAHM/Carer for the last 5 years. I am 100% committed and can see my future with DH.

What do I do. I cant fix it and there is an awful tension in the house.

BitOutOfPractice Thu 11-Oct-12 19:39:35

What about if he dies before you. Usually oension is halved and you'd be screwed. It's just like a life assurance thing

Might that work?

Acinonyx Thu 11-Oct-12 19:39:47

Just curious - if you are a SAHM - how are you able to pay for your own pension with your own money?? Where do you get that money from (I love the idea of having a pension but can't imagine how I'd pay for it!)?

poozlepants Thu 11-Oct-12 19:43:25

I am a SAHM I have a stakeholder pension. DH has a pension from work which will be our main retirement fund. He is a pensions actuary and was insistent that I set up my own pension and made other investments -as someone said to spread the risk around. Diversification is the name of the game - when you come to use your pensions to buy annuities to fund your retirement all your eggs won't be in the one basket and it might give you more flexibility about the type of things you can invest in.
If you wanted an escape route surely you would be keeping your money in a 'dash cash' account rather than in a pension.
Your pension wouldn't be'yours' anymore than his would be 'his' if you decided to split up. It's just a case of prudent investment.

Vagaceratops Thu 11-Oct-12 19:51:27

I claim carers allowance and this is paid into my own account Acinonyx.

amillionyears Thu 11-Oct-12 19:52:50

pooxlepants last sentence. That is what I was wondering. If you were to divorce,would he be able to have half of yours.
Because else,it could be that if you divorce,you get all of yours and half of his.
Personally,that is why DH and I have all things financially joint.To stop arguments or upsets about it all. It suits us,but probably wouldnt suit everyone.

Vagaceratops Thu 11-Oct-12 19:56:32

If you wanted an escape route surely you would be keeping your money in a 'dash cash' account rather than in a pension

That is exactly what I said to DH.

potbelliedbaby Thu 11-Oct-12 19:57:52

This is strange. If he is concerned that you are building up a stash of cash to leave him, I would suggest there is a lack of communication between the two of you. If you are secure and comfortable in your relationship with each other, he should accept that this is a 'just in case' fund, which will never be used and hopefully will be a tidy sum for the pair of you to spend together.

If he is concerned that you have a 'just in case' fund in the first place, then he is (apologies) being immature. It's like objecting to signing a pre-nup because it's suggestive of a lack of commitment. Which is, of course, nonsense.

Shit happens, and everyone is better off preparing for that eventuality, as long as it doesn't jeopardise the here and now, which your pension pot wouldn't. If you stay together for as long as you both shall live, then your pension will presumably be spent on the both of you.

He should be understanding of your mother's predicament, and of your sensitivity to the same thing ever happening to you. None of us knows what the future holds, and willfully putting your head in the sand in the name of romanticism if, imho, foolish. Far more romantic to save towards a once in a lifetime holiday the two of you can go on when you're 75!

amillionyears Thu 11-Oct-12 20:22:58

Does he have any money at all that is just in his name. That might help him to feel that things are more equal.

HearMyRoar Thu 11-Oct-12 21:01:01

It sounds to me like this is not really about the pension at all but is really about the idea that you are concerned about the possibility that you might split up in the future. I think this is the bit you need to address an jus ignore the whole pension business as it is just a red herring really.

I think there are people, like myself, who like to plan for all eventualities however unlikely they maybe and it doesn't cross our minds that someone else might assume that because we have a plan in place for it we therefore think its going to actually happen. Its like having a zombie epidemic plan, just because I have one doesn't mean I think zombies are going to appear at any moment. I just like to be prepared just in case. It sounds to me that the issue is that your dh just doesn't get why anyone would feel the need for a zombie plan whereas you do.

Did that actually make any sense at all...god, I need more sleep!

RowanMumsnet (MNHQ) Thu 11-Oct-12 21:18:23

Hi there

We've moved this one to Relationships now

RowanMumsnet (MNHQ) Thu 11-Oct-12 21:24:04

Oh dear, no we haven't - the button seems to be broken...

Apologies, will try again in a moment

maleview70 Thu 11-Oct-12 21:34:14

Saving for the future is a good idea for everyone wether married or not.

I would however think very seriously about how you save for retirement.

Whilst pensions attract tax relief, the end result can be disappointing.

A woman with a pension fund of £50,000 would currently get a pension at 65 of around £50 a week!

Unless you are saving a decent amount I would have a rethink.

I haven't read the whole thread but if you did split, there can be a pension share order nowadays anyway wink So you may get some of his on divorce.

But being serious for a moment, surely you nominated him as your beneficiary should you die and vice versa? And both of you saving for retirement can only be a good thing. Have you asked for an illustration/ projection recently to see how much you would get possibly at retirement? It's always worth asking for one, to see if you need to increase your contribution.

I think as you say, he is hurt due to your reason for setting one up and for the fact he didn't know. But all you can do is apologise for that stating the obvious but most couples do contribute to their own pension each. He is being bit daft if he wants to only save towards one pension for both of you. No matter how generous his pension scheme is. You shouldn't put all your eggs in one basket and all that.

Jax2218 Thu 11-Oct-12 21:46:44

Very interesting thread. I don't have a pension and I am a SAHM, it does frighten me a little especially as my dh is older and I am more likely to out live him. He will have a good pension, but I am hoping next year to start saving around £75 per month towards my old age, I'll need to find a job first lol

I think it is a great idea what you are doing. But a pension fund is slightly different to a saving plan for if things go wrong.

Viperidae Thu 11-Oct-12 22:07:18

Isn't a pension only efficient for you if you earn over a certain amount each year? I know it was when my DCs were young but that is quite some time ago so may have changed.

I think a financial advosir would be a good idea to plan together for the future and put your DHs mind at rest that all your assets are joint.

Not really no. It all helps, but the more you contribute the better or start young.

You do get tax relief on your contributions, which is a small bonus too.

I would see a Financial Adviser who specialises in pensions. That would definitely put his mind at ease as Viperidae said.

I used to work for a lovely one actually, before kids. They do exist wink

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