Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
ZOMBIE THREAD ALERT: This thread hasn't been posted on for a while.
The kids winge and cry(681 Posts)
I have two very demanding young children. A toddler (2 years) and a baby (9 months). They winge all day long (I really mean: all. day. long). Aside from look after the kids on my own all day (7am till 6pm) I have to keep the house clean, make their food, make sure all the dishes are washed, make sure all the clothes are clean, take them to baby & toddler groups, AND run an online business. I'm at the end of my tether because of the constant winging all day long. My friend has suggested using an ipod and turning the volume up full so I can't hear their winging. Is this reasonable? I don't know how I would get all my chores done otherwise, but I feel terrible. I read that if you leave young children to winge/cry, you can lower their self esteem and make them more anxious (due to elevated levels of cortisol). I really hate leaving them to cry but I don't know what else I can do? I don't want to put them into daycare/nursery until they are 3.
Ignoring will only lead to them doing more whinging until they get the attention they want.
Does your 2 year old play alone?
I would try to bring bedtime forward as much as possible so you get your evenings to yourself so you get some time to relax.
You sound worn out, if you can afford it get a cleaner and get some help with the children at home (mothers help, au pair etc).
Please don't use earplugs or an iPod, what of one of them hurts themselves or is ill and you don't hear them.
In the meantime try something like a door bouncer (for about 15 mins at a time) for the 9 month old of you need to do some urgent tasks whilst the toddler is napping
If they wake at 7 then get them both to nap at 11, waking them just in time to eat lunch then an afternoon of activities or go to the park, play centre ect. No wonder you cant get them to sleep if you allow a nap at 4.30. Stop all afternoon naps and bring forward bed time to 7. You will then have the evening free to catch up on your business.
Cleaners ... depends on part of the country you're in, and whether you go for an agency or try to find one using the advert in shop window method. Round here they expect £10-£12 an hour if you employ directly, expect to pay more like £20 per hour if you get an agency in. Agencies tend to send them in pairs, they take care of issues like vetting, tax and NI. A good self-employed cleaner will be all legit and taking care of her/his own tax and NI. Personal recommendation is by far the best way to find one.
I decided not to even try to work at anything other than motherhood until the twins were at school, and completely changed the type of work I did when I did go back. But there are miles of threads about this sort of thing!
Totally agree that the environment you are currently providing could be more damaging than nursery. However, how about a childminder? You can pick the hours and they offer a home environment with only a couple of other children so they get the love and attention they need, and will be taken to groups etc. I personally wouldn't use nursery either but childminder yes.
For the 9mo, could you maybe look at a door bouncer or baby walker? I know they aren't everyone's favourites because of the pressure on their hips/pelvis, but my 9mo is quite happy to bounce or zoom around in my sight for half an hour while I get something done as long as I am chatting to her the whole time.
However I do agree with onthebottom (fab name, btw ) that I'm confused as to how you see being ignored by mum at home is more beneficial to them than having the attention of a nursery nurse or a childminder. Have you thought about a childminder for a few hours, if you don't like the idea of a nursery? Or definitely a cleaner, someone to relieve a bit of your time.
But alas, I think DH wouldn't like a 7pm bedtime, as he gets in at 6pm and so wouldn't have much time with the kids
Thats fine if he comes in at 6, takes over with the children at least every other night and does his fair share of the housework. Otherwise you need to do what makes life easier for you!
See when I read stuff like this it reinforces that I am happy with my choice to put ds in nursery as how can it be worse than being deliberately ignored all day?? V odd thread.
If he comes in at 6 he can take over and do the bed times. It will give him an hour of bonding whilst you can get on with other things.
Just seen that your toddler is napping now-that seems quite late-even for a 9pm bedtime, is he tired do you think? My big one moans incessantly when he's tired.
X-posted with a lot of people there... but honestly, a CM could be your saviour. DD adores her CM, and I'm happier knowing she is in a 'home' environment doing something similar to what I would be doing at home (no disrespect to nurseries meant there)
Sounds like the kids aren't getting enough attention. It really does, especially with all you are doing and how close in age they are. Kids that age generally do not amuse themselves for very long and you have a bunch on your plate. Sounds like you either need help of some variety or you need to let things go and just get the basics done and do them while involving your kids.
It is a lot slower getting a toddler to help you, but it entertains the toddler and is beneficial for them to help, improves communication and motor skills. I used to get mine to help me load the washer for instance, or if I was hanging wet clothes up I'd get my kid to pass me pieces while we chatted.
I think part-time daycare is a way better alternative than children that old being expected to entertain themselves for good sized chunks of the day. What about going to a childminder in the morning and being home with you in the afternoon?
poopnscoop - i didn't think 2 year olds were capable of understanding sharing? not developmentally ready for it?
"Do you structure play with them?" - can you give some examples of structured play for a 9 month old?
2 year old does crafts, lego, books.
I should imagine they're just bored, can you get someone else to do the household stuff while you play with them?
or send them to nursery a few days/mornings a week?
do you have homestart in you're area? They are amazing, I had severe pnd after my first baby so my health visitor set homestart in place when my second was born.
They send someone to your house who has similar personality to yourself (called it profile matching or something like that lol) anyway I was matched with a lovely lady who would spend 3 hours one day a week with me and the kids. It was invaluable to me and gave me that little break (someone else distracting my kids) i was desperate for.
I'd rather put my children into some sort of childcare for a couple of hours instead of put music on and ignore them. Its cruel.
Children whinge, sorry but that's what they do! You need to find things to do that they enjoy. A 9 month old isn't really old enough to be left to play on their own.
This is the same OP who's DH has to climb through a window instead of using the front door, and isn't allowed to wee in the morning, isn't it?
OP, if you are for real, I think your mental well-being might well benefit from getting some childcare sorted out.
"children need attention and its tough shit that you've got something else to be getting on with. "
Do they need constant attention?
it seems that on the basis of one book you have decided not to explore any kind of childcare as it's 'damaging'. Yet it doesn't sound like either you or your DCs are having a great time at home. If you don't want to go down the nursery route, why not look at a childminder or nanny?
Also, get a cleaner.
Your DCs bedtime is about what is best for them, not your DH - they sound very overtired. My DH gets in at 6, DD's bedtime is between 7.30 and 8, and DH does all of it so he has a good hour and a half or so of quality time with her, plus, of course, the weekend.
Finally, I can't see how you can ever focus on your work properly if you are simultaneously doing everything else. I think you need to work out how many days a week you want/need to work and arrange childcare (childminder at their house, nanny at your own) for those days. I honestly believe that your whole family will be so much happy for it.
Ephiny, What?? That is crazy.
Yes OP of course they need constant attention when they are so little.
"You sound very resentful of the attention your children need."
no. i resent the other things that prevent me from being the best mother i can. I'm sitting here with baby on the breast and tears streaming down my face. i don't know what to do.
Yes they need constant attention Still don't get how you can insult daycare yet feel happy with not only ignoring your children, but risk not being able to hear if something goes wrong with headphones and earplugs.
Yes, they generally need constant attention. Even if they have found something that will amuse them by themselves, they still need you having half an eye on them - certainly too much of an eye to concentrate on anything work related.
Is there a reason why you aren't liking the childminder, au pair suggestions?
Curious. Sorry I think it's odd you find a nursery would damage them yet ignoring them working with earplugs in us a bus me option.
Childminder or nursery two mornings a week would sort work, you sound a bit stressed. Ds bloody loved nursery, I work from home and I don't know how I'd do it under those circumstances.
"If the house and business are important to you"
- the house certainly isn't. but i cant let them live in a dump can I? or let the plates pile up? or have no clean clothes for everyone to wear?
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.