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Is he having an affair? Or am I mad? Is it normal?

(69 Posts)
applesandpies Wed 10-Oct-12 15:59:40

I have name changed for this as a few people on here know me in rl. Dh and I have been married for 6 years, 2 dc. Our sex life has been quiet but mainly due to 2 dc under 5. Dc works very long hours and gets home late when working, about midnight. It's always been like this.

Before summer I noticed he was starting to go out after work found not one home til 3-4 in the morning, 2-3 times a week. He said it was business. We went on holiday and he only slept with me twice, preffering to watch tv instead and not come to bed til I was asleep. I moaned about it and he said he fell asleep in front of the telly. He said I was mad to think he was having an affair and he was really insulted.

We have had sex once since beginning of sept and last night he sneaked offs to bed without telling me. I got in and began to cuddle him etc. he asked for a bj and I said no as he hadn't showered- he use to when he got home all the time but stopped ages ago. We started to have sex instead, but he stopped before coming and said he was too tired. He fell asleep. I feel totally humiliated- this as never happened to me or us. He asked me what was wrong today as I am too embarressed to look at him or discuss it as I feel so unwanted and ugly.

When I think of all the other things I wonder if he s having an affair. I found he had been looking at a porn site of pictures and a escort website a few weeks ago but didnt mention it as I feel so inadequate.

He says he has to work on sat, but I don't know if I believe him. It's the way he told me, kind of asking.

Advice needed please..

Sandinmyshoes Wed 17-Oct-12 13:11:07

She means that at the start of the thread you were applesandpies and now you are Applesandpies... (just clarifiying)

I hope you're OK today. It sounds like a horrible situation, especially when you are overseas. Regardless of whether or not he's playing away he's not treating you respectfully at all. This needs to change for your kids sake. You two are their example of what to expect from a marriage. If you are staying for their sake, change it for their sake. Most kids would take less money and happier parents over the situation you describe any day.

JustFabulous Tue 16-Oct-12 21:38:48

You say you are in charge of the money.

You say you money of your own.

The money belongs to both of you.

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker Tue 16-Oct-12 21:32:37

I assumed it was a mistake, or a way to stop him finding your thread. Which is fair enough.

Applesandpies Tue 16-Oct-12 21:30:40

Happyhalloween, I have no idea what you mean aand it looks the same on my ipad when I page down. As I say, I have namechanged for this particular thread, I am on others as my normal mn name. This is the least of my worries tbh, please. I havent namechanged midway and I resent you fussing about it. I need advice and an ear for my relationship issues not this fandango.

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker Tue 16-Oct-12 21:23:05

You have namechanged mid thread, you no longer have the small "a"

Applesandpies Tue 16-Oct-12 21:19:34

Happyhalloween I havent named changed in this thread- I name changed for this thread as people in rl know me, I think that's ok by mnhq? Not sure why you think I namechanged midway?

I am still with him as he can give the dc a far better life than I can alone. I have no money and having looked into it, we will be worse off if I up and leave with no proof or concrete reason.

I don't think his staff are lying they just don't know where he is. It's a big place- very deluxe expensive etc so he has a good relationship with people who come there, he has to, it's needed for his job. This is normal for his profession.

Agree ripping shirt is a way of telling me, but why didn't he just put the shirt in the hotel laundry like he normally does? That answers my own question I guess, he wants me to know or he is telling the truth and just chucked it in the laundry room as its unwearable unless I replace the buttons.

Zen, I like your advice, however we have had an offer accepted on a house we liked and its still for sale, and will be receiving the papers soon to sign and go ahead. I like the idea of having somewhere to go, I have nowhere to go. And ds is in school etc. it's eay to say leave but practically it's really not going to work.
We are not even living in the uk right now, we were relocated abroad with the company.
I am feeling defensive on this thread now which I am sure is case of head in sand.

Hmm...seems dodgy to me. Id do some serious investigating.

I hope for the sake of you and DC he isnt messing around but it sounds to me like he is sad

If I ironed one of DPs shirts and figured they had no buttons I would hit the roof and have him straight out.

If it was just a fight - why didnt he tell you sooner hmm

VBisme Tue 16-Oct-12 20:54:23

Not only is he very likely to be having an affair, but she wants you to know about it.
You don't rip buttons off unless you're doing it for a reason (it doesn't take that long to undo them).
Get yourself out of the situation, it sucks, and he isn't doing anything for your self esteem.

MyDonkeysAZombie Tue 16-Oct-12 20:33:13

Earlier you said he's been your best friend sad Best friends don't treat each other like this.

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker Tue 16-Oct-12 20:33:02

why have you name changed mid-thread, OP ?

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker Tue 16-Oct-12 20:32:13

for christ sake, don't bring more dc's into this

I don't get the smile either. He was "just like he used to be" to get you to STFU then back to business as usual, for both of you sad

Applesandpies Tue 16-Oct-12 20:26:39

No, we would both love more dcssmile but maybe he just says that. We don't own a house, we get one with work. All our accounts are joint and I control the money- he hates all that, he doesn't even carry a card or cash really.

Talked to him again tonight but he had lots of plausible excuses plus he was just like he used to be. I am boring myself with my problems and no answers. I can't talk to friends, since we move so much I have lost the intimacy. I did mention to a good friend in August we might be having problems and she was so horrified I gave up and backtracked.

carmenelectra Tue 16-Oct-12 20:25:13

OP he is taking the raving piss. Affair or not, he is being a complete and utter aresole.
The whole job thing doesn't add up to me. He's got got kids and still prefers to spend long late hours socialising or doing work related stuff(appaerently). I for one, would not want to be in a relationship with a man who had to attend functions etc as its nearly always dodgy in my opinion.

I would seriously also like to know why staff are lying for him! Its making me mad on your behalf. Agree with poster who said what if any of u were seriously ill? I would ring work next time he is in and ask for him. If the person on the phone flaps then I'd ask for their name. I'd march up there and ask them why they are lying. Mioght nake me look mental but don't care.

Also how big is this fucking hotel and how important is he? Doesn't he have a work mobile or some kind of radio on the shop floor so he's contactable?

Mayisout Tue 16-Oct-12 20:11:56

Is he worried you might get pregnant so stopped midway through sex.

Whatever is going on you are not in a happy position just now in your relationship with him.

I would look at what the situation would be if he did leave or you both decided to separate for a while. Check on the financial situation, who owns the house, what benefits you might be entitiled to etc etc

There is a legal section on here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/legal_matters where someone might be able to help. It might be premature but if you know what the worst scenario might be it will stop going round and round in your head and perhaps you can decide how you want to go forward with the present problems and might not feel so helpless (as he appears to be controlling the situation to suit him at present).

dondon33 Tue 16-Oct-12 19:47:45

You're not a mug Apples, just someone who wanted to believe her H meant what he said.
I find your explanation of events to be more believable/likely than his - Sorry angry
You deserve so much better and so do your DC.

MyDonkeysAZombie Tue 16-Oct-12 19:25:39

Think the suggestion to seek legal advice is sound. I honestly don't think it's fair on you to try and sit tight and put up with so little respect. I'm not saying doing anything rash just find out how you stand.

MadAboutHotChoc Tue 16-Oct-12 19:11:45

That didn't take long angry

You deserve so much better than this piss taking twat.

Actions speak so much louder than words sad and his actions are NOT backing up his words.

ZenNudist Tue 16-Oct-12 18:27:07

Sorry apples, sounds like the worst situ. If you kicked him out bet he'd soon hole up with OW. Then you'd know. Be smart. Dont confront him yet. Get some legal advice, sort your finances. Don't worry about college courses or weight loss. That's just an excuse to put off the inevitable. You need to escalate this situation.

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker Tue 16-Oct-12 18:22:12

I think you are having the proverbial piss taken out of you, yes. Sorry. This man is a liar. You know, he knows it. Why are you still with him ?

MaBaya Tue 16-Oct-12 18:19:49

He is taking the utter piss.

ballstoit Tue 16-Oct-12 17:49:28

Oh Apples sad. You're not a mug, you're just trying to keep your family together.

It's not getting better though is it?

Applesandpies Tue 16-Oct-12 15:49:12

I feel such an idiot. He went out a few nights ago for a suppliers dinner. He got back after 3am really drunk. Today I went to iron the shirt he wearing tht night and all the buttons were off it. It's in perfect condition otherwise. I asked him about it and he said he wondered when I would notice that, and he had got into a fight, and also lost the chain round his neck, which I hadn't noticed. I was furious and saidi didn't want to hear about this kind of crap. I then said I didn't believe him and I expect he left it at someone's house. Or as a keepsake. He said oh that again you're mad. I said that was a standard response from men cheating. He shut up and was a bit quiet then left for evening shift.

I have a vision of him being in such a hurry to get undressed he popped all the buttons off. The top button and the bottom button are still there. And there is no mark on his neck should his chain be torn off.

I'm a mug aren't I sad sad

dondon33 Sun 14-Oct-12 18:59:19

> What cogito said.
Good luck Apples x

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 14-Oct-12 18:15:55

I'm pleased you feel you're making progress but do remember that talk is cheap and actions speak louder than words. You may have frightened him into toeing the line for the time being but be careful he doesn't give it a few days for the fuss to die down and then go back to his old ways. Keep the pressure on and keep checking he's where he says he is....

applesandpies Sun 14-Oct-12 17:38:56

I have thought quite hard about this and have decided to get myself in a better position without doing anything rash. I am going to ensure I know all the money movements and where cash is going, bank accounts and so forth. I am going to complete my degree and sort myself out by losing weight and having some projects- just for me, stuff needs doing anyway. It means I will raise my self esteem and be in better position to start working when dc start school in a years time. I also think we should buy a property in an area we would like to live as a bolt hole in case we need it, we can rent it out for now.

Dh says he will start to get more involved and juggle work better, so we are going to keep a calendar of his hours and try to arrange babysitters to get time together and he can see why I am so fed up. I am also going to try to make friends and get them over as a couple so he can talk to other dads. Phew. At least I have a workable plan that has an aim which works if we split eventually or stay together! I hopesmile

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