Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Is he having an affair? Or am I mad? Is it normal?(69 Posts)
I have name changed for this as a few people on here know me in rl. Dh and I have been married for 6 years, 2 dc. Our sex life has been quiet but mainly due to 2 dc under 5. Dc works very long hours and gets home late when working, about midnight. It's always been like this.
Before summer I noticed he was starting to go out after work found not one home til 3-4 in the morning, 2-3 times a week. He said it was business. We went on holiday and he only slept with me twice, preffering to watch tv instead and not come to bed til I was asleep. I moaned about it and he said he fell asleep in front of the telly. He said I was mad to think he was having an affair and he was really insulted.
We have had sex once since beginning of sept and last night he sneaked offs to bed without telling me. I got in and began to cuddle him etc. he asked for a bj and I said no as he hadn't showered- he use to when he got home all the time but stopped ages ago. We started to have sex instead, but he stopped before coming and said he was too tired. He fell asleep. I feel totally humiliated- this as never happened to me or us. He asked me what was wrong today as I am too embarressed to look at him or discuss it as I feel so unwanted and ugly.
When I think of all the other things I wonder if he s having an affair. I found he had been looking at a porn site of pictures and a escort website a few weeks ago but didnt mention it as I feel so inadequate.
He says he has to work on sat, but I don't know if I believe him. It's the way he told me, kind of asking.
Advice needed please..
And honin .. my STBXH's favourite contact on his phone was 'John Smith' - a colleague's name from work.. I wish I'd looked into it in more detail at the time as it would have spared me another 6 months of anguish
Well I just called him to see when he would be home and he his phones off. So I called the hotel and no one could find him. I not know who was more embarressed, me or reception. Hope he gets home soon, am quite fired up.
Did you talk ti him OP?
It all sounds very dodgy to me, especially the defensiveness. Hope you get to the bottom of it.
Doesn't sound good but could his battery have died? When you say he will become early is that before midnight?
Cogito - eek! That could be my DH, always calls me at 9 pm works away from home .... Not Derby is it?
And have actually passed the 12 month mark since we last had sex, which makes me useless at answering OP.
But OP as others have said trust your instinct, as any DH worth his salt would want to reassure you surely .... So would rather you said what was wrong. God luck.
Not Derby, Alderley Edge.... Outwardly he's such a responsible family guy, salt-of-the-earth, dull as ditch-water type that I think that's how he gets away with it.
Dp admitted to having various women saved as men on his iPhone! one of them was a John, bloody original aren't they!
Op so sorry you're going through this uncertainty. Do you have a friend you can confide in? How far away is his work from you? Is it possible to check that his car is there on a night he says he's working?
Bloody hell ...we all know they have the script but mine also had her name saved as John.thick twats!
Woke up and can't sleep. This is a bit long now, sorry
Looking good, , I havent anyone I can talk to really. Dh used to be my best friend. We are new to the area and moved twice in the last 2 years as dh was promoted. Big enough moves to live miles from friends and have to make new ones which takes time. Family are useless tbh. It's only my dm and she is very old and sick. I can't go and check as it woud mean getting the dc into the car and anyway he could be out with another manager plus it's a hotel! If it's someone at work the bedrooms are easy to find!
I called him about 10.30 and hs phone was still off. Called hotel again and there was a vague panic- I could HEAR it when I insisted someone find him as he had to call me ASAP.
He came back about 11 -about 10mins after i called-and said hs phone battery had died. I said I had called the hotel and he didn't react just asked who I spoke to.
Yes we did talk. So confused as its all so plausible and not sure at all.
Porn - its just stuff on the Internet and he said he should be allowed to look at what he likes.
Escort agency- said same as above. I pressed him and he sad he was just interested in what they charged as a one of the waitresses had told him what she could earn if she went that route. He said he was curious. I got upset at this and asked if he had called them for business - he said I was crazy and he was stressed from work to come home to ths.
Holidays- tried to say its because we spent a part of the holiday with his parents and he felt uncomfortable. Total bollocks as never affected him before.
Sex as in what happened the other night. Tried to tell me he had come once and t was the second time. Can believe he thought I was that stupid.
Sex in general. Too tired, I don't make an effort. I am not affectionate enough. Plus I say no a lot - well, he gets in very late and if have gone to bed I don't like being woken up. I am not adventurous enough. All true nowadays but don't feel like it with all this behaviour and I am uncomfortable with performing which is how I feel it would be iykwim . He then wanted sex and I found it all really awful. Just wished I was somewhere else. He says he loves me and I must be crazy to thnk all this.
I didn't get to him spending more time with the dc. It was too late. I asked if he woud take ds to football tomorrow morning and he said no and laughed it was too early. I now take dd as well as he just puts the tv on and goes back to bed. She is only 3 and I feel she coud get in all srs of trouble left like that. I also feel embarressed at football. I am the only mum alone there. All the other dads make it which reallly annoys me.
What do you think, I am very confused and exhausted. I don't want to be like ths. We used to be happy
He is treating your house like a hotel and is up to something, hence the evasiveness when you ring the hotel. I think you know he is lying through his teeth. You and the kids deserve a lot better. I am so sorry you are in this position ((hugs))
He's talking bullshit IMO. Keep pressing, and getting answers.
He's only giving you a pack of lies. It doesn't add up to me.
So sorry Apples but it does look like he's up to no good. At the very least he's checked himself out of your family.
Can I ask what would have happened if there was an emergency tonight, say one of the DC's bumped their head badly enough for a visit to A & E or you took a tumble on the stairs? How the hell were you meant to inform him if - A) his battery died and B) none of the staff actually knew where the fuck he was???
I don't find that acceptable at all, especially when you have children.
Porn - He's an arse! If it's affecting his relationship with his wife then he should not be "doing as he likes" His time would be better spent trying with you, his wife, to sort out the issues that are present instead of pointing the blame in your direction and lying about faked orgasms.
Escort Agency - What an utter crock of shite! why would someone feel the need to verify something like that, that they were told by a co-worker???
Honestly Apples if the history is still there or you remember the name I'd now turn detective - get the web page up, write down the telephone number for future reference (check his mobile & bills to see if it's on there) While on the site - try to log in with any Email accounts you are aware of but you'll need access to them for the next stage - still on the site, after putting Email, click the forgot password link and it will send a new one to his account - you can then log in (if he's registered, of course)
Also - who the hell has business meetings until 3/4 in the morning after a hard days work? People I know in the Restaurant/Hotel business go in early if there's a lengthy meeting going on not stay behind after.
You're already living like a single parent Apples, obviously not financially etc.. but emotionally, physically and psychologically. I agree with Kiwi above - he is treating your house as his personal Hotel, but also treating you as the cook, cleaner, childcare provider.
Try to take care of yourself Apples, try to eat and sleep as best you can.
You're NOT crazy, I think you know that yourself, don't let him fob you off if your instincts tell you there's something wrong - unfortunately they're usually right. How wrong? only he has the answer to that.
apples - if your gut reaction is that there is something wrong, then there is something wrong. Whether he's having an affair, using prostitutes, or what is not the issue in my view. You are not happy, and he doesn't care.
I spent too long with my ex trying to get proof of what was going on. Eventually (with help from friends), I realised that proving it wasn't necessary. The only thing I needed to know was that I didn't trust him, didn't like the way he treated me and our family life, and he wasn't prepared to make any effort to change things.
Ex-H reacted in a similar way to your H whenever I raised the subject, laughing at me and telling me I was paranoid. That isn't the reaction of a loving husband who cares about his wife's feelings.
I agree with the above about not beating yourself up looking for proof. Stripping away all the flim-flam about phones with dead batteries and checking escort sites what you've got is a man that pays you very little attention, doesn't seem to care very much about your feelings or want to engage in family life & is mostly concerned that you should roll over and have sex when he fancies it.
What makes me feel most sorry for you was that he heard all your concerns, dismissed them as ridiculous, insulted your intelligence and then seemed to think that what would really cheer you up was a fuck..... says it all really.
Sorry OP this doesn't look good I am not surprised you are unsettled and anxious. Your DH hasn't allayed your fears has he?
I don't have any useful suggestions I'm afraid other than do you have a joint account together, do you have access to money, not saying he is going to flit but please get a handle on money and if you are renting or have bought a place, please consider whether your name is on anything, how secure is your home etc.
He will have a roof over his head if he does walk and is already shirking dad duty whether or not he is already unfaithful. He has swatted off your concern like an irritating mosquito. Please don't react by trying to become Superwife to win him round.
We don't have a property, we get accommodation with work. I have access to all the banking, more than him really as he leaves it all to me. He doesn't know the online banking passwords for instance. All accounts are joint.
Mobiles are awful. I once overheard a man at green park in London tell the caller he was still in Madrid love, be back at the weekend. And the bf told me he stayed in a co workers house in London as he worked there during the week. At a company barbecue the co worker looked amazed as he didn't have a house in London. He dropped bf right in it, then asked me out for dinner. He was married as well. And no , I told him to get stuffed.
But dh- he has promised from now on to come to football which is a start. However today he had to pop to work for an hour and just called to say they are short staffed and won't be home til later but will take the dc swimming and cook dinner.
He has stopped drinking at home and work,but now complains bitterly should I have a G&t as its unfair
I can't work his phone to see what messages he has sent, but did find an incoming text which just said hi.... I wrote the number down as there was no name.
When he is here we find it hard to function as a family as he is away so much. The dc go wild and he buys the presents and doesnt get involved in disciple as he wants them to enjoy the time he can be with them. In his business so many people are divorced because of this. I asked him to come to counselling but he flat refused as he said he wasn't paying good money to listen to me bitching .
What next ? I Have no money of my own and it's a pretty miserable prospect for the dc otherwise. I have to decide whether to put up with it or move on I guess.
"he wasn't paying good money to listen to me bitching "
Oh dear. When someone treats your genuine concerns as 'bitching', there's not a lot of scope. Put up or move on is about the size of the choice in front of you. You already know what 'put up with it' looks like so I'd recommend you research the reality of moving on with people like CAB, solicitors etc.
So he's made a few promises today and already back tracked on them
Would his work not have called him earlier if he was needed to cover staff?
he wasn't paying good money to listen to me bitching
What a guy!!! His wife is actively trying to sort out the problems and that's his reaction. Says it all really.
Agree with Cogito about the researching. It won't hurt to be get clued up.
I have thought quite hard about this and have decided to get myself in a better position without doing anything rash. I am going to ensure I know all the money movements and where cash is going, bank accounts and so forth. I am going to complete my degree and sort myself out by losing weight and having some projects- just for me, stuff needs doing anyway. It means I will raise my self esteem and be in better position to start working when dc start school in a years time. I also think we should buy a property in an area we would like to live as a bolt hole in case we need it, we can rent it out for now.
Dh says he will start to get more involved and juggle work better, so we are going to keep a calendar of his hours and try to arrange babysitters to get time together and he can see why I am so fed up. I am also going to try to make friends and get them over as a couple so he can talk to other dads. Phew. At least I have a workable plan that has an aim which works if we split eventually or stay together! I hope
I'm pleased you feel you're making progress but do remember that talk is cheap and actions speak louder than words. You may have frightened him into toeing the line for the time being but be careful he doesn't give it a few days for the fuss to die down and then go back to his old ways. Keep the pressure on and keep checking he's where he says he is....
> What cogito said.
Good luck Apples x
I feel such an idiot. He went out a few nights ago for a suppliers dinner. He got back after 3am really drunk. Today I went to iron the shirt he wearing tht night and all the buttons were off it. It's in perfect condition otherwise. I asked him about it and he said he wondered when I would notice that, and he had got into a fight, and also lost the chain round his neck, which I hadn't noticed. I was furious and saidi didn't want to hear about this kind of crap. I then said I didn't believe him and I expect he left it at someone's house. Or as a keepsake. He said oh that again you're mad. I said that was a standard response from men cheating. He shut up and was a bit quiet then left for evening shift.
I have a vision of him being in such a hurry to get undressed he popped all the buttons off. The top button and the bottom button are still there. And there is no mark on his neck should his chain be torn off.
I'm a mug aren't I
Oh Apples . You're not a mug, you're just trying to keep your family together.
It's not getting better though is it?
Join the discussion
Please login first.