Mumsnet Talk

So, I’ve been internet dating on and off for about, oooooo 2 years. I’ve had two 3 month, ‘relationships’, and about 10 dates, nothing horrendous, a couple where you think you’ve had a great first date and then never hear from them again and a couple with stalker like tendencies, but nothing like some of the stuff you hear about on here. Anyway, decided to try POF again a couple of weeks ago, had a mail from a guy about 40 mins from me, same situation as me, divorced, two small boys, year older than me at 41. We exchanged a few mails, had a chat on the phone, and decided to meet, had a really nice date, I went home thinking he was a bit keen to go but brushed it off, got a text later that evening saying he’d had a lovely time, great to meet me, but, ‘shout if I’ve got it wrong’, I text back asking what he meant and he said that he’d sensed I wasn’t keen?! Anyway we sorted out the misunderstanding and my inability to flirt outrageously and had three further dates that week, lunch, dinner at mine and dinner at his, (the weekends we have our children are not in sync yet) bit of sofa snogging going on but not the dirty deed…. Lots of texts and calls, all very lovely, was getting my hopes up about this one, sent me a text Sunday saying Happy 1 week anniversary, yes I know a bit pukesville but quite sweet..

BUT being my paranoid self in the last week I have been going onto POF (without logging in) to see if he’s been online (I haven’t logged in since we met) he hasn’t been online at all until last night? So we’ve been seeing each other just over a week and he hasn’t logged in until last night…

Now I know it could be him checking messages etc but what is the online etiquette if any?! Do you come to an agreement that you’re not going to log on anymore/delete your profile etc?! I just don’t know….I KNOW it’s only been just over a week, but I just don’t want to be made a fool of. Again.

I've no idea about etiquette but I'd suggest that, after only a few dates, it would be normal for everyone to keep their account live, their options open and not to go checking up on the other's account and/or making assumptions. If you think it's going somewhere, have a chat and agree something else.

Again would also suggest keeping options open. In the RW you will setill be out socialising and not stay in waiting for a call. It is still early days.

You're both right, thank you, just got to relax about it all.....

If after a week he declared that he was dropping eveything and focusing on you, you'd likely feel pressured and suffocated. Your best bet is surely to persuade him that you are where it is at so he arrives at the right place off his own bat.

As a previous POF member I have had the same paranoia. I actually became obsessive with checking when he logged in and the relationship faltered because I was convinced he was seeing other dates.

After a week I wouldn't read too much into it. He may be checking messages, or just checking to see if you have been online. It may also be a case of just looking at your pics, (if he doesn't have any of his own).

I didn't delete my profile until about month after I had met my DP, although I did keep it hidden. I would still check my messages, (mainly because most of them were hilarious), and I also had a few friends using POF that would ask an opinion on a profile.

From what you have said he sounds like a nice guy, although I suspect he may have been 'burned' before and therefore doesn't wan't to delete his profile till he is sure you are both serious about the relationship. If he has had previous bad experiences with dating he may also find any messages he has give him the ego boost he needs to feel that he is still attractive to the opposite sex.

Don't broach the subject of deleting profiles till at least 3 weeks and then only use gentle prodding ie: tell him you are deleting your profile as things a serious between you.

If it gets to the 2 month mark however and he is still online I would just bite the bullet and ask him what his intentions are relationship wise. You may or may not get the answer you like but it's better than spending another few months cyber stalking him and getting increasingly paranoid.

I hope all goes well.

I think it's a good sign he hasn't been on much, better that than he's the type of guy who sits messaging women night after night. It would seem to indicate his focus is on you.

Haven't done OD for a while but in my long ago experience the subject just came up naturally in conversation, and one or other person would mention all casual like whether they were still logging on or had hidden/deleted their profile etc.

I was in the same situation a year ago. After a couple of weeks New Man (now DP) said "This is beginning to feel like an exclusive relationship" so we both hid our POF profiles. I have deleted mine since but he has made a lot of female friends through POF to whom he still chats occasionally. He has always, since day one, made me feel secure and special and I have never had a minute's anxiety about his loyalty. I think that is more relevant. Do you trust him?

Apocalypto - That made me chuckle that I've got to persuade him that I am where it's at!! just need to think of some moves.....

Thanks coolmango, that is perfect advice, sounds just like me....will take heed.

Tamoo - he hadn't been on for a week so you're right it's not like he's sitting there hour after hour....

Hi Lemondrizzled, yes I do as much as you can when you've only known someone a week, it feels different to the other 3 monthers I had, I've been to his place, he's been to mine, he's very open about his kids, his ex wife, I haven't been worried about him texting me, or not, so yes I think I do..

That sounds good
It's such an exciting time so try to relax and enjoy it!

And tell us how it goes [nosey face]

If you actually get to DTD I think you're entitled at that point to require a bit of exclusivity to the extent that neither of you DTD with anyone else. It's just hygiene and common courtesy.

As for making him delete his profile, no, play it cool. Act like you don't care and then he'll start to worry that maybe you haven't brought it up because you are still in play and in fact in even more demand.

I betcha, I betcha if you say nothing it will be him who breaks first.

Hello!

Just to let you know all seems to be going swimmingly 8 weeks later....! it's my birthday this week and he took me away to a spa hotel this weekend, it was amazing and no one has done anything like that for me, ever!

Little bit of advice needed, I am currently going through a divorce, we separated 3 years ago and have verbally agreed everything between us so are going for a fixed price divorce with consent order. We are currently about 4 weeks away from Decree Nisi stage. He doesn't know I'm dating but he's told me he's been chatting online to a couple of women but nothing more than that.

Anyway, a couple of weeks ago I went over to my dates house for dinner (after his boys had gone to bed) and as I was driving over there he sent me a text to say his boys were staying up to say Hi!! I panicked a bit as I didn't have a lot of notice and didn't envisage it being like that, it was fine we just said hello and played Jenga then they went off to bed. He has suggested this weekend me taking my boys over his way and all of us go mountain biking. I'd really like to do it but am concerned a) rocking the boat with regard to my divorce and b) what do I introduce him to my boys as?? a suggestion so far has been a friend from work.....

Any advice would be gratefully received!