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Spending too much time in ex marital home?

(15 Posts)
Dunkinbiscuits Tue 09-Oct-12 20:14:05

Hi, could do with a bit of advice if possible, sorry it might be long. I have been with DP for almost a year, he separated from his ex about 18 months ago and they do not get along at all, she also does not like me (I don't think she would like any girlfriend of DP's to be honest!).

She has messed him around with the children a lot, asking for more money, not allowing him contact or only allowing him contact within her house, so we have finally been to court and arranged for access, just with him for the moment until they do checks on me etc.. which is great as he is now allowed to take the children for a couple of hours on a weekday evening and more on a weekend. I have no problem with keeping out of the way at all as I know eventually we will be able to see them together (I have children as well and it will be nice to do more together).

He is self employed and works very long hours 7.30am until 7/8pm 6 days per week so I don't get to spend much time with him, he is very tired by the time he gets home if he's staying over at mine. Again, I have no problem with him seeing the children as much as possible, but...

He took them for his hours this weekend but on dropping them home stayed another 3 hours whilst I waited for him to come to mine (we had pre arranged spending time together) He also stayed a couple of hours longer on his weekday evening visit and tonight we arranged to have dinner after his visit and he came round and said he had to go shopping for something for the children so stayed 10 minutes and has left to go shopping, then go back there (ex wife doesn't work, children are at school so no reason for him to run around for her).

He did say that when he was there on the weekend ex kept asking if he was under the thumb and would he be in trouble for not coming to mine when arranged - she even rang him the next morning to see if he'd got an earful for being 3 hours late. So it is obvious she's enjoying trying to cause trouble between us.

I honestly have absolutely no problem with him seeing the kids - I filled out the bloody access papers and took them to the court!! And I don't mind him being in the kids house up to a point, but I feel he is taking the piss somewhat.

We are supposed to be moving in together in the next few months but I can't help but feel i'm going to be left bored shitless whilst he is over at her house. I get on great with my Ex (my kids father) but I don't want him here all the time or spend hours round at his house, we just hand over and thats it, maybe have a cuppa if we need to talk about the kids etc..

Anyway, still waiting for him to come back, dinner was supposed to be 7pm and i'm grumpy & hungry so please be kind and offer some advice if you have any - I really am not jealous of the children or ex - thanks in advance

SorryMyLollipop Tue 09-Oct-12 20:28:57

Take the children and ex out of the picture for a minute.

The bare facts are that he was 3hrs late. He stayed at yours for 10 minutes before disappearing again. As a result you are grumpy and hungry ( btw, I would go ahead and eat if I was you)

He sounds quite selfish and unreasonable to be honest. He should let you know if he is delayed etc

What are you getting out of this relationship?

hoopieghirl Tue 09-Oct-12 20:37:54

Sorry but his priorities are clear and his relationship with you does not seem to figure very highly. All seems a bit on sided tbh. You deserve better

MsHighwater Tue 09-Oct-12 20:39:23

Agree. The issue is not how much time he spends with the kids or at his ex's house but that he makes arrangements with you and then breaks them. I would be putting moving in plans on hold for now, if I were you, until you get this resolved one way or another.

SorryMyLollipop Tue 09-Oct-12 21:01:36

A couple of other things. Why can't you be involved in access with his kids? I don't understand why you need to be checked. If it's ok for them to be in his care, surely, as their father, he can decide who else is there during visits?

Also, your title for your OP seems to suggest that you actually are a bit hmm about his time away from you involving the ex and the former marital home (understandably, but you deny it a lot in your OP)

Basically, you are in a relationship with someone who has very little time for you, regardless of the reasons.

Dunkinbiscuits Tue 09-Oct-12 21:46:08

Thanks everyone for replying, he came back and we're having something to eat. I was a little hmm about him being around her at first as she told me a couple of times they had had sex which he denied and tbh I do believe him as I have seen the lengths she has gone to to try and ruin our relationship and ruin his relationship with the children however much it has affected them.

The checks are to do with Cafcass - I dont mind, i've given my details, sent my last Ofsted Enhanced CRB Check number and a copy of my current Paediatric first aid certificate, they can do any checks - I'm squeaky clean smile I do wonder if we split up, if any new girlfriend would have to do the same??

Dunkinbiscuits Wed 10-Oct-12 22:07:06

Another night of being let down :-( this morning I said I won't see you tonight as I know you are busy - we have to work this weekend and it's pretty hectic, and he said no I'll stay at yours, so we're texting throughout the day and he said he really fancied something for dinner so I went and got it, prepared dinner for 8ish, he turned up at 8.15 and handed me a bottle of wine and said he had to go as he has lots to do!?! WTF!!! He makes me feel really needy and I'm so not!

Apparently he's going to ring me later and maybe come back - I feel like switching my phone off!!!

AThingInYourLife Wed 10-Oct-12 22:12:00

Switch your phone off.

This guy treats you like shit.

hattifattner Wed 10-Oct-12 22:21:03

he's coming back for a booty call...maybe.

Get tough with him - DOnt make someone a priority in your life if, for them, you are just one of a number of options.

You are an option for him. He is a priority for you. The relationship is out of balance and that needs to be addressed. This is not about him and the ex or him and the kids, its about how he is treating you.

Id be telling him to shape up or ship out. ANd I wouldnt be moving in with him just yet.

Dunkinbiscuits Wed 10-Oct-12 22:21:57

Just had a text - are you alright, love you xxxx
Yeah I'm absolutely great, bloody rushing around after work cooking for ds and then for him, whilst jumping in the shower, shave, put a bit of make up on just to spend 5 bloody minutes with him!! Do they not realise how much effort it takes us women?? If he wasn't coming over I would have sobbed out in my pj's ffs!!!

Dunkinbiscuits Wed 10-Oct-12 22:29:30

It is completely out of balance, I agree, the only time he really puts an effort in is when he realises I have had enough and he's scared of losing me, even then it takes him a few days to do anything - I guess he thinks he has the upper hand because he thinks that I will always come running back to him whatever he does as I always have done :-(

izzyizin Wed 10-Oct-12 22:52:49

It's time for you to change his thinking then, isn't it?

Tell him you've never had any intention of coming between him and his dc, but you've had enough of being way down on the list of his priorities and he's dumped - and don't let yourself be talked round.

Doha Wed 10-Oct-12 23:03:24

Stop OP.
You are being taken for a fool by a man who is putting you at the end of his list of priorities.
Unfortunatley you are allowing this and are making so many lame excuses for him it's unbelievable
Get tough, he shapes up or ships out.
He would be more of a a man if he stood up for you when his ex is asking if he is under the thumb-he should be man enough to make his own decisions.
Make yourself un available for the next few days.

Dunkinbiscuits Wed 10-Oct-12 23:12:45

I know you are right - I'm rapidly losing respect from rl friends/family for putting up with this, It's so frustrating because when we are together things are great, we are working away together from tomorrow night until Monday but right now I feel like going somewhere on my own for a few days! He's a bit of a man child though and I feel like I'd be letting him down - he's probably more needy than I am but he turns this around somehow???

MustBeDueSomeBetterFeet Thu 11-Oct-12 11:06:59

It's interesting you say that you feel you'd be letting him down, when HE's the one who's been letting you down! Maybe a taste of his own medicine isn't such a bad thing.

Ultimately though, you do need to be firmer about your boundaries. And I don't know from your post whether you had the difficult conversation with him the other night, and told him what you've told us. That you'd run around and got a special dinner together for him?

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