I would really appreciate all the help I can get with this as it's been ruining my relationship with my Mum and brother for almost 4 years. Apologise for length but it's messy (just like my head).
So about 5 years ago I found out my Dad wasn't my 'real Dad'...my real Dad was someone whom DM had had a very quick relationship with (aged 19) and fallen pregnant. When I came along he decided he didn't want anything to do with me (or DM). DM has assured me that she told real Dad he could come visit me anytime he wanted, door was always open etc, and I believe her. He never did.
My Mum eventually meets my other Dad (hereafter DF, the one who brought me up more or less) and has DB when I'm 5 y.o. DF doesn't treat me any differently to DB can I add, although this isn't necessarily a good thing as DB would agree he's not (nor ever was) the best DF in the world, pretty awful at times, always there financially but never once did he hug us, ask us how school went etc etc, put us down constantly. He basically worked, came home for dinner, then drank all night, went out at weekends. Was violent at times towards both me and DM.
DM and DF divorce when I'm 14/15 (quelle surprise) which I'm not going to lie, I was over the moon about as I hated living with him (remember at this point I had no idea he wasn't my biological father). DF moves to London (where he still resides, remarried). DB and myself as teenagers went to visit maybe twice a year.
Fast forward to the very recent past, I find out about 'real Dad' (in a nutshell, someone from real dad's family found me on Facebook and contacted me, assuming that I knew!!).
Here comes the problem: After acquainting myself with an entire family I didn't know I had, I agreed to meet up with real Dad (with DM present). Alcoholic mess, looked like he were about 70 as opposed to mid 40s. Things didn't work out and he passed away a couple of years after that (liver failure). The rest of his family (aunties, uncles, and most importantly grandparents I didn't know I had) still want me in their lives. DM can't accept this - according to her they all knew I existed and did nothing about it for 24 years (again I believe her as I've asked 'new family' and they admit it, although say it was because they didn't want to disturb my life?). The only ones from my new family who claim they didn't know I existed until I was in my teens, are my paternal grandparents, the rest knew I existed as a newborn.
Since real Dad passed away I've tried to get to know my new family, this was the hardest decision of my life as DM, DB and many other members of my maternal family weren't keen at all (they're convinced I was only contacted by other family as a last ditch attempt to save real Dad, give him a new lease of life maybe, they obv knew he was very unwell).
People are always telling me I'm too soft but I believe everyone deserves a second chance so I have been visiting new family over the last couple of years, they are a really lovely bunch of people. Unfortunately it's eating away at DM and DB as they don't think they deserve a chance, given that they knew me all those years and did nothing about it. They have begged me not to take DD (3) near them. DM and I aren't speaking as she hates the fact that I'm in contact with them.
Please help me, should I be loyal to DM and maternal family and just tell the others I can't have a relationship? Or do DM, DB etc need to let me go? It seems so shitty that I'm the one in torment over it all, given that I was the innocent child.
I know this is complicated so I will elaborate upon anything asked, thank you.
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Please tell me what to do.
15 replies
MrsFurphy · 09/10/2012 11:57
OP posts:
quietlysuggests ·
09/10/2012 12:35
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quietlysuggests ·
09/10/2012 15:42
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