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DH texting woman he met online plesae help

(48 Posts)
Quin Tue 09-Oct-12 05:23:15

Hello,

I am 16 weeks pg with a 3 year old DD. Been with DH for 11 years and married for 4.

In the past DH has used the internet to look at porn and it had killed our relationship. He lies and there is no trust. I guess I stayed because in every other way he was the model partner. Anyone who knows us would be so shocked by this and this is why I have no one to talk to. I feel so humiliated.

A few months ago we began couselling and things seemed better. However over the last couple of weeks he has been acting strangely with phone permanatly attached to him and 'jumping' if I walked into a room and he was texting. I asked a couple of times what was going on and he said nothing just text friend etc.

Well I brough it up again last night and the upshot is he tried everything possible to not let me see the phone but in the end he knew that obviously by not letting me see it meant that I would know there was something on there he didn't want me to see.

So he gave me the phone and there were hundreds of messages between him and a woman he met online. The most hurtful part is that they weren't just sexual but also just lots of messages about how her day was etc.

Where do I go from here? I know it is over between us but it breaks my heart that my daughter wont have her daddy anymore. The guilt I feel is so painful. I know that it shouldn't be my guilt.

Also I am terrified of how to cope. To be single and pregnant with DD. How will we be able to afford to live in our home still? How will I cope with birth and recovery alone (am prob having elec c-section)?

He has taken everything from us. How could he choose that over his wife and children and the beautiful family we could have had?

I would appreciate any advice or support. I've been awake most of the night crying. I just feel like I can't go on. Every option seems so hard.

Quin Sun 14-Oct-12 18:52:09

I did thank you!

Have just made an appointment to see the counsellor on Wednesday.

Thank you all for reading and giving advice, it has been a great help to me.

MadAboutHotChoc Fri 12-Oct-12 19:51:53

Hope you are having a fab time smile

Quin Fri 12-Oct-12 18:57:36

Thank you Choc,

Just on my way out for the evening which is so rare. I am all dressed up and think I look pretty good - I am trying to like myself more!

MadAboutHotChoc Fri 12-Oct-12 08:41:31

Glad you are reading NJF and hopefully it will help clarify your thoughts.

I really believe that at this stage JOINT counselling is not appropriate - only when you both have agreed to try again. In the meantime its individual counselling for you both - him to work out what flaws, issues etc that led to his justifying his actions and how to address these and you to rebuild your self esteem and work out why you tolerated his shitty behaviour.

Good luck x

Quin Thu 11-Oct-12 22:20:11

Thankyou for the book recommendation I am now reading it alongside The Betrayal Bond and lots from both books is ringing bells. I don't think that sentence makes grammatical sense but I'm too tired to rewrite.

Mos - we went to counselling over the summer and it would appear that during that time he was honest with me and not using porn or talking online. He says he felt so much better when he was going and wants to go again. I'm not sure about that. I feel like I want to go to counselling alone. I want to understand why I have tolerated this for so long and how I can rebuild my self esteem. H also spoke during sessions about being emotionally detached most of the time which shocked me as he appears to be in touch with his feelings. But it did begin to make sense to me when he can see how he is destroying me/our family but seems able to carry on doing it.

essejay it scares me to think that this is a way of life for many men but I agree with you. What does that mean for meeting other men in the furture? The thought of being on the recieving end of this pain with another person is very depressing. Although I cant really contemplate the thought of another relationship. I feel like I've lot the desire to be intimate or form a bond with anyone. A lot of damage has been done. I don't think I realised as |I've shut it all away.

Thank you for keeping me going over the last few days. I still havent' been able to talk about it in real life as I don't have anyone I feel comfortable with who isn't close to both of us. Counselling for me is the next move.

essejay Thu 11-Oct-12 11:04:44

It does make you numb! Which for me was another reason to let go, its not a healthy relationship any longer when it doesn't stir any emoition in you. The upset I have felt through the serpartion is more for the loss of what we had rather than how it was at the end. Good idea to keep the messages as a reminder, every time I have a wobble, I have a look and it re-confirms everything.

I think for many men its a way of life and am sure when my DH finds Inew partner, in time he will do it to her too. As you say - sad existance!

MadAboutHotChoc Thu 11-Oct-12 08:15:12

Quin - I would really recommend that you get Shirley Glass's Not Just Friends, it comes highly recommended on here and it has helped me and many others enormously.

It will help you process your thoughts and give you an understanding of what happened in your H's head.

MOSagain Thu 11-Oct-12 08:10:25

I totally agree that the 'intimate' messages are hard to come to terms with. It might sound stupid but I've often thought I could have handled DH just having sex with the OW but its the months and years of exchange of messages that I'm struggling with. Even though there were no 'I love you/miss you' messages they were still what I consider to be intimate, like OP says, 'how are you, how was your day' etc etc. He swears he didn't love her and honestly believes it wasn't an emotional affair (and I do actually believe he didn't think it was).

DH (of course!) is adamant that it was just sex, to make himself feel beter about himself and there was no emotional attachment. What I've learnt from months of counselling is that men are able to detach, something that most of us women can't do.

Quin there is a very good chance that this women meant absolutely nothing to your DH, she was just a bit of 'fun' and some excitement. Certainly doesn't excuse what the bastards have done, but its not like he has stopped loving you and loves her.

Would he go to counselling with you?

GoldShip Thu 11-Oct-12 00:40:54

He's sorry but thought he owed it to her to say his last goodbyes? Like sodding star crossed lovers?!

What a twat. What an absolute nob head.

OP I have nothing to say but angry words and you will get through this. You are so very much better than this. X

Quin Wed 10-Oct-12 23:15:40

It's sad that so many women have to deal with this behaviour. But it is good to hear the many stories of women who ended it and realised how much better their life was after. Don't think I've been properly single for 20 years, it would be strange to be alone.

How do you trust another man after this?

I'm glad that you're happier, it gives me hope. I keep reading the emails to remind myself how horrid his behaviour is because when you've tolerated it for so long it becomes easy to be numb.

Realising that I'm not really in a relationship though and haven't been for sometime. The counselling was supposed to help improve that too but he put in the effort for a few weeks and then back to taking me fro granted.

I wonder will he just continue like this now forever? Will he treat next partner the same? It must be a sad existance.

essejay Wed 10-Oct-12 22:37:00

Agree messages whatever content are hard to read wether sexual or not. My DH would talk about his day and what he did with our DS just omitt to mention his wife was there too!

Final straw for me was the realisation that it was never going to stop no matter what. It started with similar flirty text , office banter I think he called it, with a work colleague! Like you I felt I couldn't justify changing my whole life on just that. He would stop for several months but as soon as life got abit stressful or boring it would start up again. Over the years I see snippets of other things going on, odd emails, unnormal amount of texts in a day, unexplained cards arriving in the post. When I found out he joined a dating site (got caught out big time as went on a date with a friend of a friend) I knew he was never going to stop it so I had to.

I also am turning 40 at the weekend and I made a promise to myself I would not be in an unhappy marriage at 40 and I will stick by that.

It is hard, I sit and look around at the lovely home we have together and our wonderful DS and think how can you throw it all away for what?

I also had the devasted act and tears and 'I do love you' but sadly at the end of the day if there is no respect, it means nothing.

I still care for my DH (not sure why - hard to shake I guess) and for DS sake we hope to be able to remain friends but I know now I have taken the hurdle I would never go back and will be happier I my own. It is scary and once you've started there is the 'oh shit, what have I done moment' but it doesn't last long.

If you do decide to go ahead ensure you have a good support around you, family, friends are just great and really come out in force when needed!

Good luck!

MolotovBomb Wed 10-Oct-12 20:09:18

So sorry to read about what you're going through. All I can offer is to say thy it's important to realise the bigger picture: it is going to be difficult for you, your DD and your soon-to-be-DC, but HE is losing YOU, not the other way around.

What a chump. It's inexcusable and disgusting what he's done.

Do you have family and/or friend who can support you? (Sorry if I've x-posted with this - haven't read all posts).

Have faith that once all of this has settled down, you will find a good man to share your lives with.

Good luck xxx

Quin Wed 10-Oct-12 19:21:59

Hello thank you for the replies. I've been at work all day and I'm exhausted (teacher!) So hard to this job when my mind is elsewhere.

He is still here. At the moment I don't know if I can face dealing with the separation and the consquences of that. I need time to get my head together otherwise I can see myself falling apart and can't deal with that and the effect it could have on my pregnancy.

I just keep asking myself why. I do believe that he is honestly devestated about the breakup of our family so why destroy that just for the sake of flirty texts with a stranger and dirty pics? I would do anything not to be separated from my daughter and all he has to is to not text strangers - how can that be so hard? He claims it is an addiction but I struggle to understand.

Sorry I'm rambling. I'm frightened to end it but I'm also frightened not to end it - does that make any sense? At the moment what is keeping me going is the though that one day soon I won't be in this situation any longer. I just don't know if I can do it now whilst pg.

essejay what was it that made it the final straw for you? What I've found hardest this time is that lots of the messages were intimate and not sexual. There were lots of texts asking how she was and had she had a good day and just other stuff about her day to day life. Of course there was stuff about his life to but all completely fabricated.

The advice I've had has been so helpful to me, so thank you for taking the time to reply it has made me feel less alone.

essejay Wed 10-Oct-12 12:21:58

Hi OP, I've just gone through a similar scenario with my DH. Have had years of texting / emailing OW and the latest the on-line dating sites. Like you it is so hard to know where to start. It is hard telling people and I've found there are some you can tell the whole story and others who you can give a watered down version. My standard line is 'we haven't been happy for some time but it is HIS recent behaviour that has lead me to make the discision to separate'. Not one person I told made me feel ashamed - it was him they pitied. I'd several times tried to forgive and forget through the fear of how could I destroy my family unit and how would I cope financially, but I think for all of us a 'final straw' time comes and I just new I would manage. Havings a look at what help I was entiltled to with tax credits etc was a welcome relief and know at least I can manage in the short term. I think it will be difficult to stay too long in the same house once you have made the decision to separate. He stayed in the home for 6 weeks from making the decision to him actually leaving and it does make a strained enviroment. Is there any family or friends he could go and stay with?

Good luck to you espeically with being Pg too. Please do not feel guilty for your DC's, I stayed partly for that reason, have 1DS, he is 8 now and has handled it fine, they seem to see it all in quite simple terms.

There does come a point when you can begin to see another side, I cried many a day and then as i began to come to terms with it all it does get easy. I woke up one day and thought 'I haven't cried for 48 hrs!' its a good feeling!

aufaniae Wed 10-Oct-12 11:16:39

Do you have a mortgage? Did you know that many mortgage providers will give you a mortgage holiday if you're on maternity. Just a thought.

Please don't feel ashamed, he's the one who should be ashamed. Do you have a friend you can talk to in RL?

MOSagain Wed 10-Oct-12 11:07:58

you have nothing to be ashamed about. YOU have done nothing wrong, he, sadly like many other men, my DH included is just weak.

How are you doing this morning Quin? It is so very hard, I know, I'm there too. I've been in limbo for the past three months since I found out but am in a better place now, am feeling stronger and more able to make one of the most important decisions of my life.

The problem is, in my opinion, with men like these, it becomes an addiction. I think if it had been a one night stand when out drunk etc it would have been easier to deal with and perhaps move on. The problem I have, is that the years of lies and deceit are too much for me to deal with sad.

I hope that you are ok and are getting support in RL x

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker Tue 09-Oct-12 22:15:58

there is no reason for you to feel humiliated

how is it stupid to trust the person who professes to love you ?

the only way you could ever feel bad, is to stay with him, knowing he will do it again, on these terms

start telling people, or else he will talk you round, you know he will

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker Tue 09-Oct-12 22:13:35

ugh

crying on the floor

how pathetic, like a toddler who got his sweets taken away

how can you seriously respect a man like this ?

how is he a good role model for your children?

just get rid of him, he's a defective one

MadAboutHotChoc Tue 09-Oct-12 18:53:03

Tell one person at a time.

Quin Tue 09-Oct-12 18:39:11

Oh god you are all so right. He is only sorry about getting caught and I guess the reason he does it is because he can. He has gotten away with it. I let him stay in the past because I don't want to break up our family. Oh this is so painful.

Have now accessed the secret email account - lots of emails and pics and to other women too. He completely lies to these women and makes up all sorts of stuff about himself and his life. Can't find any evidence that he has met any of them.

I just want him our of my life but I am scared. I'm too scared and embarrassed to tell people why. That shame is keeping me locked up. How can I explain this to my mum? Or to my friends? It is so humiliating.

CajaDeLaMemoria Tue 09-Oct-12 18:20:47

Tell him that it's a shame he didn't put the effort and emotion he's putting into crying and whining into fixing your relationship. And that it's also a shame that rather than getting attention and love from you and his daughter, he found someone on an illicit sex website to confide in and emotionally attach too.

You'll feel better for saying it, and hopefully he'll man up and stop with the emotional blackmail. He knew what he was doing when he text her over and over, and he knew what he was risking. He could at least be trying to put things right, rather than behaving like a child who has been caught breaking the rules.

MOSagain Tue 09-Oct-12 18:09:16

Yes! Sorry for getting caught, thats what my FW/DH was like. He kept repeating 'I thought I got away with it'. wanker angry
I'm also very angry that he won't say WHY he did it. I've had around 5 or 6 bullshit reasons, some of which were 'dissected' in counselling and he then said they weren't the real reason. I just want to know the real reason. A very good friend of mine sadly is in the same position and her FW said he did it for the ego boost and to make himself feel better and 'fanciable'.

MadAboutHotChoc Tue 09-Oct-12 18:07:33

Does he admit to shagging her?

I would get tested for STDs sad

MadAboutHotChoc Tue 09-Oct-12 18:06:30

Not another cry baby - urgh. Pathetic whiny man.

I bet he is sorry for getting caught.

Cheaters often do it for the ego boost.

Tell him you need time and space to think things through.

MOSagain Tue 09-Oct-12 17:56:13

agh, sorry, was being particularly stupid blush thank you.

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