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Relationships

Fed up with DP's family - and we live 10000 miles away

53 replies

smupcakes · 09/10/2012 03:04

So - I recently posted another threat about PIL's coming to stay with us shortly...

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/a1565536-To-not-want-to-give-my-in-laws-our-bed

We live in AUS now, and they are coming for 3 weeks to stay. All fine, we invited them DP is very pleased.

Now I've read via facebook that MIL has invited SIL (24, unemployed, still living at home) to come too. No one asked / mentioned anything to us, just saw SIL's status 'tossing up' whether to come or not. Of course it would be a free holiday for her - she has no means of paying her costs anyhow.

There are a few reasons why she wasn't invited by DP in the first place:
She has been very rude to me in the past after an incident with our other SIL; to the extent that when DP visited his parents in the UK last year and I phoned and asked politely to speak to him, she would not even answer me when I spoke and simply pass DP the phone.

So obviously that would be enough reason not to invite her to stay in our home - but I'm sure MIL isn't aware of the animosity between us so I can't really hold that against her but I'm really angry she didn't even think to ask us before extending the invitation to SIL. But secondly, she has no money of her own to every time we'd go out for dinner - I'd feel really resentful that I had to subsides her costs (i.e. I expect DP's parents and we would go halves). Not to mention the costs of hosting her at our home (and we'd need to get another bed as we only have 1 spare). Finally I wouldn't really want to host her for an extended period of time as she has behaved very strangely when with DP and I in the past - she seems to want reassurance that DP would side with her / do what she'd like to do (rather than what I ask him - e.g. last time we were both in the UK I had a headache and asked DP to come home with me from a family event we were at and she tried to tell me that he would be staying at the party with her). He would never do that clearly but it's grating that she behaves that way in the first place.

I am just so angry. DP says he will ring MIL and say we'd seen it and there just isn't room for her to come too. I have no idea why SIL would consider coming to stay with us anyhow - considering she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 years! I just think it is beyond ridiculous and I'm worried I'm going to feel so resentful of MIL's behaviour and attitude and it will ruin their time here.

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HermioneHatesHoovering · 09/10/2012 03:41

I read your other thread. I think your dp needs to tell his mum why sil can't come. If he says you haven't got the room they will try to talk you round. Tell mil the truth.

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Mayisout · 09/10/2012 04:10

Sounds like MIL trying to build bridges. No one would invite another person on holiday to stay with someone else without telling them, so I suspect she knows there is some bad feeling.

Good idea that DP tries to put her off.

If she does come she can sleep in the room with DPs (not your room) and they can always pay her share of the meals rather than going halves.

It might heal the rift as she must surely be pleasant if she is staying with you. But put her off if you can.

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MarchelineWhatNot · 09/10/2012 05:06

You need to put your foot down and say no. You would be a mug to have her stay for 3 weeks when she clearly resents you. And I agree with Hermione, tell the truth.

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smupcakes · 09/10/2012 06:58

DP says he doesn't want to tell the truth as he wants MIL and FIL to 'like me' and if I said their precious daughter wasn't welcome because of her behaviour - well... Hmm DP feels the exact same way he is just realistic that they would blame me as no child - even adult child - of theirs has ever done any wrong Grin

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MarchelineWhatNot · 09/10/2012 07:10

We were in exactly the same situation, you cannot let her get away with her bad behaviour. The more your DP allows her to get away with it, the worse things will get. Trust me.

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Longdistance · 09/10/2012 07:12

Your dh has copped out big time.
Tell him she isn't staying, and there isn't a sign above your home saying 'holiday inn'. You have invited your inlaws, not all and sundry. It's not up to them who stays in your home, or to even invite anyone without consulting you.
We've been in Oz a year now and everyone has come in that time, bar my parents who can't travel cos of ill health.
We're having friends stay in June next year, who have booked with us. My db is coming again next year.
We have one spare room, and that's it with a double bed. So a couple or a single person can stay, and no, I'm not moving my dd's around.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/10/2012 07:15

Rather than banning people from your home or expecting your partner to know how you feel, have a word directly with the SIL. Tell he she's welcome to come along provided she's happy sleeping on an inflatable mattress, behaves herself and doesn't expect to be given a free ride. Be very specific and don't pull your punches. My guess is that if you do this, she will duck out of the trip anyway. And if she turns up you've set the groundrules.

It's a pity you live so far away and people can't come for an afternoon or a weekend. I can't think of anyone - including my best friends - that I would want being a house-guest for three whole weeks. But, if you play your cards right and assert yourself, you can have a pleasant family visit and keep SIL in her place at the same time.

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HissyByName · 09/10/2012 07:29

Your DP needs to have a fumble somewhere between his legs and find some balls!

Book the fecking lot of them into a b&b

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AThingInYourLife · 09/10/2012 07:29

Your MIL has been outrageously rude to invite someone to stay in your home for 3 weeks Shock

Even if your SIL was your BFF, it would still be bizarre and inappropriate.

At least you live on the other side of the world from these assholes.

Let your DP sort it his way and discourage future visits from any of them.

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smupcakes · 09/10/2012 07:42

HissyByName He isn't being insensitive - MIL is quite dramatic so if he said that she couldn't come because he was offended by her behaviour toward me she'd have the hump for 6 months and probably cry down the phone for an hour. She's big on forgive / forget when it's anyone but her Grin So of course I should forgive SIL and not break up the family!

CogitoErgoSometimes I honestly can't be bothered speaking directly to SIL. She's horribly aggressive and I'm just not willing to have her here under any circumstances. Besides that - there's no prospect of her getting a job before she comes so she'd have no way to contribute to anything which would annoy me no end. I said to DP in the future on mutual turf I'd be perfectly civil and we could possibly rebuild a relationship from there. But I don't want to start that by her staying here for 3 weeks.

Thanks all for listening

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twooter · 09/10/2012 07:47

How about saying that you both want to spend time with just your pils as you don't get to see them as much as you'd like. Hint that your dh wants to have one to one time to make it more special.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/10/2012 07:49

If she's 'horribly aggressive' and you speak to her then she's going to fly off the handle, refuse to step foot on a plane and your problem is instantly solved. Think smart....

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smupcakes · 09/10/2012 07:51

twooter I think if we say it would be possible but we'd prefer not it will start up a lot of drama sadly.

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QuickLookBusy · 09/10/2012 07:52

Smugcakes, you need to all stop pandering to your MIL. She knows she can get what she wants by "getting the hump and crying down the phone for an hour". Well so be it. Get DH to tell her SIL is NOT coming to your house.

The way your MIL then chooses to behave is up to her. If she gets the hump, fine, you live miles away, just ignore her. If she cries down the phone, put the phone down.

You can to let a grown woman dictate your life.

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smupcakes · 09/10/2012 07:53

CogitoErgoSometimes - I can't predict exactly how she'd be and I really just don't want her here. Even if she was polite - I can't be bothered with all the other problems she would bring.

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smupcakes · 09/10/2012 07:58

QuickLookBusy I think just saying there's no room will have the same effect but not subject us to the consequences of rejecting SIL because she's a pain. If we were living in the UK I'd very likely act differently, but we see them once a year at most thankfully - so it just doesn't seem worth it.

Though I am concerned when we TTC in a couple of years as we have planned how this terrible relationship with MIL will play out, RE visits etc. I'm sure she'll expect to be present at the birth etc Shock

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Inertia · 09/10/2012 08:00

You could always get all PA on SIL's ass and post a response on FB saying you hadn't realised she was coming, what a surprise, what a shame there is only one spare bed at yours , does she need some hotel recommendations ?

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Brycie · 09/10/2012 08:01

Hi, I have a terrible solution but it's the only thing I can think of. Abandon all calmness. Phone your mother in law "on the verge of tears" and pretend you've only just seen it on fb and are in shock, catch your breath and wail and hiccup down the phone that you've just seen this and it's impoosible, it's just too much, there's no room, you're really cross actually, really sorry but you can't cope with it, please don't take this badly but it's just too much, you had no idea, you're really upset, please solve this problem for you, you have only have the husband's parents etc etc, but she can't possibly come.

Terrible solution no? but it might work, and also they really need to stop treating you like a doormat

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Brycie · 09/10/2012 08:01

put the fear of hysterical person into them

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Brycie · 09/10/2012 08:03

Actually just reading your last post I think my solution is great as it has long term effects which might cover the birth! make them afraid of upsetting you, that's the way. It doesn't matter if they eyeroll behind your back.

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smupcakes · 09/10/2012 08:06

I don't want to speak to any of them I just can't bare it!

I honestly feel so down sometimes that I feel I'm lumped with all of them for the rest of my life.

DP will be upset if I speak assertively, he wants to diffuse with excuses but agrees wholeheartedly on principle (or so he says) when I speak to him about it. It's so painful to deal with!

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Brycie · 09/10/2012 08:09

That's ok you don't have to listen to them, you just talk at the mum in law hysterically and then say I must go, I'm hyperventilating here, I'm so sorry I've got to go but xxx can't come, I just can't do it, you must tell her, I must go, please deal with this. It doesn't have to be assertive either, just weak and hysterical, and anyway he hasn't got a clue how much better things will be once you've done it. All men just want to keep the peace between all the women in their lives and they've got no clue about these things at all. Scuse generalisation but I think it's true.

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smupcakes · 09/10/2012 08:17

I suppose I could just text her saying I've just seen FB you know we only have one guest room has SIL made a mistake? She will have to come another time as I can't do it.

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Brycie · 09/10/2012 08:18

You could, but that could start a horrible texting chain. I'm going for the whole hysterical reaction. I'm probably wrong but I think they will all be shocked for AGES and you'll get a bit of long term protection.

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panicnotanymore · 09/10/2012 08:19

Brycie, are you mad???? What would that achieve other than MIL telling every person on the planet that OP is unhinged. I'm sure she could do without that on top of the existing bad feeling with SIL.

OP it sounds like you have decided SIL can't come, in which case you need to tell her, calmly, that there is no room and she will have to stay in a hotel. I'd suggest telling her directly, not through MIL so the message doesn't get soft soaped in the telling.

If you can't face telling them you will need to accept that you are tacitly agreeing to her visit, in which case the only way forward is to go with the attitude that it will be fine, you will be welcoming, and things will work out. Things tend to work out the way we expect, so if you assume it will be a disaster, it will be, as that assumption will colour your reactions.

She is still a bit of a child and obviously has a lot of growing up to do. If she behaves like a child call her on it. Ask her 'why did you say that, it was very rude?', but keep your dignity and the upper hand.

Good luck. I stood up to my ILs for the first time in 13 years recently. It solved a lot of problems as we all know where we stand now.

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