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I can't take this anymore. Long

(60 Posts)
sodownandverysad Mon 08-Oct-12 23:59:50

Quick background - I have been with my DP for 15 yrs and have 2 DCs. By the time youngest was 3 I knew that our relationship was never going to work out. I should have left him then but 9 yrs on am still here.

DP is verbally and emotionally abusive. I am often called a 'cunt' etc but it's ok 'as he doesn't mean to be nasty'. He is not named on youngest DCs birth certificate as he wouldn't take the time of work to come with me to register the birth. He didn't think it was that important. I work full time but he'll hit the roof if he comes home and I haven't cleaned the house. 5 yrs ago I suprised him with a 3 day trip to Berlin for his birthday that had taken me ages to save for. First night there he left me in the hotel to go out drinking with some blokes he met in a bar. Didn't see him again until the last night. We also have no physical relationship whatsoever. No sex, not touching, no kissing nothing. He will move if I sit on the same sofa as him. But he's tired, so I shouldn't nag him about it. I am just supposed to be celibate.

Two years ago I started an affair. I know that this makes me a bitch and I should never have done it. My only excuse was that I was desperate for some affection, someone to say something nice to me. It was seeing this other man made me realised that so much was wrong with my own relationship. It actually dawned on me that other DPs don't call their wives a cunt if the dinner is not on the table.

I tried talking to DP several times about how unhappy I was (but not OM) and I asked him to move out. He refused to leave saying that he was staying put with kids and I could leave. My knew that I couldn't leave as I wouldn't have got a council house /HA house and couldn't get past credit checks for private rentals and had no money. I was stuck with him and the affair carried on.

Last week I discovered I was pregnant and started an early miscarriage all in the same day. It was OMs baby. I told OM this yesterday and I know I won't hear from him again.

This is all my own fault I know. I haven't stopped crying for days. I can't go on anymore.

I don't expect any sympathy but I just had to get this out. Sorry its long

OldLadyKnowsNothing Tue 09-Oct-12 00:04:37

I'm sorry for your loss, sodown.

Have you spoken with Women's Aid? There are ways out of this, you don't have to take it.

sodownandverysad Tue 09-Oct-12 00:07:15

I don't know what Women's Aid is. I will google. Thank you

ScaryBOOAlot Tue 09-Oct-12 00:08:42

Oh love. I am so sorry for your loss.

You can't say this is all your fault - he has treated you terribly. It sounds like OM isn't too much better if you say you know you won't hear from him again.

You don't need to live like this.

OldLadyKnowsNothing Tue 09-Oct-12 00:08:50
AnyFucker Tue 09-Oct-12 00:10:53

Well, I am going to give you some sympathy because you deserve it.

I am sorry you are so unhappy. Your husband is a Grade-A twat.

Have you approached any professionals for advice on your situation ? Do an advance search on posts by olgaga in case she doesn't turn up with her most excellent links to all the places you can get advice on practical support and monetary matters.

You should not have to stay in such a shit marriage in this day and age. There is a welfare system for a reason, and you should make all the enquiries necessary to utilise it as fully as you can. Get a free half hour with a family law solicitor and find out your rights.

You can end your marriage, if you want to badly enough. And it sounds like you are getting to that point. I hope you get there very soon indeed.

Gosh you poor thing. You have my heartfelt sympathy. How can you not have heard of Women's Aid? Are you a newcomer to MN?

You need to confide in some close friends or family (if you have any that will listen) in RL, get it out there so that you can start to believe in yourself. And get yourself the hell out of this horrible relationship.

From your post it sounds possible that your partner could become violent if you really push all his buttons so you might definitely benefit from a talk with Women's Aid so that you can have some plan of action for you and your children.

Could you keep posting here for support? Do you know how to clear your internet history?

sodownandverysad Tue 09-Oct-12 00:19:38

I have had a quick look at womansaid. I have just ticked yes to more than half of the questions on recognising domestic violence. I'm shocked

I am not married to DP but I don't know if that makes any difference.

AnyFucker Tue 09-Oct-12 00:22:34

it makes no difference

Women's Aid are set up to help anyone married or not.

OldLadyKnowsNothing Tue 09-Oct-12 00:23:23

I don't think being married or not matters much in your situation, except it's less complicated to leave. Give Women's Aid a call in the morning, they will be able to help.

sodownandverysad Tue 09-Oct-12 00:24:43

Unlikely I am not a regular poster on here and I didn't know there was a relationship section until today.

DP has never been violent towards me or the children but he has a temper. He has thrown plates at walls before

akaemmafrost Tue 09-Oct-12 00:31:02

He's an abusive wanker and I only hope you had some happy times with OM to counteract the misery of your life with your H.

It's hard to get them out unless they hit you, sad but true. These entitled men think its their absolute right to treat you like this and you should just put up with it. I had one just like it, right down to the trip to Berlin, something similar happened there with us as well.

Do you have family you could go to? Would any of them be willing to act as guarantor for you when renting a new home? There IS a way out of this, it's just sometimes hard to see it.

badinage Tue 09-Oct-12 00:31:15

why won't the OM want to know? Is he married?

sodownandverysad Tue 09-Oct-12 00:39:05

Yes OM is married. But if he wasn't i don't think it could ever lead anywhere. I see now that I was deperately looking for attention emotionally. He was looking for sex.

badinage Tue 09-Oct-12 00:46:11

I feel very sorry for you being in such an unhappy marriage, but I feel very sorry for OM's wife that he was having an affair and unprotected sex with you. Don't think it matters much that you were looking for love, it doesn't make it right if it's at someone else's expense.

You need to get out of both relationships, really. Have you had any legal advice?

olgaga Tue 09-Oct-12 07:33:11

OP what you are describing is modern-day slavery. You need practical help (see below) and lots of emotional support, and you're in the right place for that. Keep posting.

Relationship Breakdown and Divorce – Advice and Links

It is useful if you can get to grips with the language of family law and procedure, and get an understanding of your rights, BEFORE you see a solicitor. If you are well prepared you will save time and money.

Children

If there are children involved, their welfare, needs and interests are paramount. Parents have responsibilities, not rights, in this regard. Shared residence means both parties having an equal interest in the upbringing of the children. It does not mean equal (50/50) parenting time - children are not possessions to be “fairly” divided between separating parents.

A divorce will not be granted where children are involved unless there are agreed arrangements for finance, and care of the children (“Statement of Arrangements for Children”). It is obviously quicker and cheaper if this can be agreed but if there is no agreement, the Court will make an Order - “Residence and Contact” regarding children, “Financial Order” or “Ancillary Relief” in the case of Finance. Information and links to these can be found in the Directgov link below. Residence and Contact Orders are likely to be renamed Child Arrangements Orders in future.

Always see a specialist family lawyer!

Get word of mouth recommendations for family lawyers in your area if possible. If you have children at school, ask mums you are friendly with if they know of anyone who can make a recommendation in your area. These days there are few people who don’t know of anyone who has been through a divorce or separation – there’s a lot of knowledge and support out there!

Many family lawyers will offer the first half hour consultation free. Make use of this. Don’t just stick with the first lawyer you find – shop around and find someone you feel comfortable with. You may be in for a long haul, so it helps if you can find a solicitor you’re happy with.

If you can’t find any local recommendations, always see a solicitor who specialises in Family Law.
You can also find out about Legal Aid and get advice on the Community Legal Advice Helpline on 08345 345 4 345
www.direct.gov.uk/en/Dl1/Directories/UsefulContactsByCategory/Governmentcitizensandrightscontacts/DG_195356
Co-operative Legal Services offer DIY/Self-Help Divorce packages, as well as a Managed Divorce service. Their fee structure is more transparent and they have a telephone advice line as well as offering really good advice on their website:
www.co-operative.coop/legalservices/family-and-relationships/

You can read advice and search by area for a family lawyer here:
www.resolution.org.uk/

You will also read good advice and find a family lawyer here:
www.divorceaid.co.uk/

Some family law solicitors publish online feedback from clients – Google solicitors to see if you can find any recommendations or feedback.

Mediation

You will be encouraged to attend mediation. This can help by encouraging discussion about arrangements for children and finance in a structured way in a neutral setting. However, it only works if both parties are willing to reach agreement.

If there has been violence or emotional abuse, discuss this with your solicitor first. Always get legal advice, or at the very least make sure you are aware of your legal rights, before you begin mediation. This is important because while a Mediator should have knowledge of family law, and will often explain family law, they are not there to give tailored legal advice to either party - so it’s important to have that first.

Married or Living Together?

This is a key question, because if you are married, generally speaking you have greater protection when a relationship breaks down.

Legal Issues around marriage/cohabitation and relationship breakdown are explained here:
www.adviceguide.org.uk/england/relationships_e/relationships_living_together_marriage_and_civil_partnership_e/living_together_and_marriage_legal_differences.htm#Ending_a_relationship

www.advicenow.org.uk/living-together/

DirectGov advice on divorce, separation and relationship breakdown:
www.direct.gov.uk/en/Governmentcitizensandrights/Divorceseparationandrelationshipbreakdown/index.htm

Legal Rights and issues around contact are further explained here:
www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/legal.php#children_relationship_breakdown
www.maypole.org.uk/

I found these guides from law firms quite informative and easy to read – there are others of course:

www.family-lawfirm.co.uk/uploaded/documents/Surviving-Family-Conflict-and-Divorce---2nd-edition.pdf

www.terry.co.uk/hindex.html

Finance

Before you see a family law solicitor, get hold of every single piece of financial information you have access to, and take copies or make notes. Wage slips, P60s, tax returns, employment contracts, pensions and other statements – savings, current account and mortgages, deeds, rental leases, utility bills, council tax bills, credit statements. Are there joint assets such as a home, pensions, savings, shares?

If you have no access to financial information, or you are aware that assets are being hidden from you, then obviously you will not be able to reach agreement on finances. If there are children, as you cannot divorce without adequate arrangements being agreed on finance and children, you will have to apply for a financial order anyway. If there are no children, and you are unable to agree on finances, you will also have to apply for a financial order (follow the Direct.gov links below). This seeks financial information from both parties going back 12 months. So it is in your interests to act quickly once you have made the decision to divorce.

If you are married, the main considerations of the Family Courts where parties are unable to agree a settlement are (in no particular order of priority):

1.The welfare of any minor children from the marriage.
2.The value of jointly and individually owned property and other assets and the financial needs, obligation and responsibilities of each party.
3.Any debts or liabilities of the parties.
4.Pension arrangements for each of the parties, including future pension values and any value to each of the parties of any benefit they may lose as a result of the divorce.
5.The earnings and earning potential of each of the parties.
6.Standard of living enjoyed during the marriage.
7.The age of the parties and duration of the marriage.
8.Any physical or mental disability of either of the parties.
9.Contributions that each party may have made to the marriage, either financially or by looking after the house and/or caring for the family.

CSA maintenance calculator:
www.csacalculator.dsdni.gov.uk/calc.asp

Handy tax credits calculator:
www.hmrc.gov.uk/taxcredits/payments-entitlement/entitlement/question-how-much.htm#7

Handy 5 Minute benefit check, tax and housing benefit calculators:
www.moneysavingexpert.com/family/

Parenting issues:
www.familylives.org.uk
www.theparentconnection.org.uk

Other Support for Women – Children, Housing, Domestic Violence
www.womensaid.org.uk/ and refuge.org.uk/ - Helpline 0808 2000 247
www.ncdv.org.uk/ - Helpline 0844 8044 999
www.gingerbread.org.uk/ - Helpline 0808 802 0925
Housing www.england.shelter.org.uk/get_advice/families_and_relationships/relationship_breakdown
(Note that there is usually an appropriate link on these websites for England, Wales and Scotland where the law, advice and contact information may differ.

olgaga Tue 09-Oct-12 07:39:29

sodown Definitely call WA first thing. Noted that you're not married - can you tell us a bit more about your current joint finance and housing situation, then we can start giving more detailed advice on your next steps. Do you rent privately/council/HA is there a mortgage, if so in whose name?

AnyFucker Tue 09-Oct-12 08:53:54

Yay, olgaga is here.

OP, I very much hope you come back to this thread today.

sodownandverysad Tue 09-Oct-12 13:17:34

Thank you so much for your detailed reply olgaga. I'll slowly work my way through it all.

We own our house -mortgaged. There is no equity in the property more likely in negative equity. This is in both names. Our finances are separate apart from that, no joint accounts or anything. Savings used to pay the mortgage when we were made redundant at the same time.

My DCs are 12 and 14 so not babies anymore. DC1 is very close to her Dad. She knows that the atmosphere in the house is not right and has done for a long time. She blames me for being 'moody' all the time.I have been tempted more than once to tell her that her Dad is to quote AF ' a grade A twat' but have managed not to. It just makes me cry

Charbon Tue 09-Oct-12 13:39:28

Try to see this from everyone's point of view though, especially your children's.

Yes your husband's behaviour sounds awful and the atmosphere at home must have been terrible for the children to experience, because of his behaviour and your decision to stay, but it's also possible that your affair has contributed to a worsening atmosphere in the household too, for the past 2 years. From your children's perspective, the adults involved have made terrible choices when they have none, other than to live through it. I don't suppose it's been a bed of roses for the OM's wife and family either, who've again had to suffer because of other adults' choices.

All you can do now is to make kind but ethical choices going forward, especially for your children who rely on you both. But beware of falling into the 'victim' trap too much here. Better to see that you made some bad choices too along the way, that have harmed yourself and others.

olgaga Tue 09-Oct-12 16:27:15

Don't give up hope OP. Children only see what directly affects them. Keep the lines of communication open, especially with your DD. You've done very well not to draw them into this any more than necessary. Keep that up and be as kind as you can to them.

Remember they have no chance of understanding why you're going through this, try to communicate your despair at your DP's behaviour without involving them.

The affair is over, bury it. Seriously, that's the best way. Focus on what you want to do about your relationship with your DP, and whether it can be salvaged - if not, what to do about it.

I have to say, his behaviour does sound abusive.

Don't forget your hormones will be all over the place after the MC.

You might want to telephone this organisation - they have a helpline:

www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/information/management-of-miscarriage/after-the-miscarriage/

sodownandverysad Wed 10-Oct-12 17:35:00

Oh god.. Huge row with dp. Dc1 overheard whole thing.

Dp left. Says he not coming back..

Somebody hold my hand please.. I just dont know where to turn.

sodownandverysad Wed 10-Oct-12 17:40:16

This is my owm fault i know and i deserve this but my heart is breaking
.

ladyWordy Wed 10-Oct-12 17:50:25

His fault. Not yours. You deserve love, as we all do.
Here's a brew and a hand to hold....

ErikNorseman Wed 10-Oct-12 18:16:12

He's gone - good! Now get yourself to a solicitor and start making plans. Why do you feel sad? This is a good step. He sounds horrible.

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