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Told H I want to separate last week he agreed and now...

(59 Posts)
EdwardorEricCantDecide Mon 08-Oct-12 21:29:43

Now he won't move and says he wants to try again etc etc I've tried for 3 long miserable years! And now I've had enough
We own our house although its in negative equity, but neither of us will give up the house!
I really don't want to have to move to a council House and settle kids in a new area move DS to a new nursery etc but I now feel like he's forcing me to.

WhoNickedMyName Mon 08-Oct-12 21:45:52

Sorry, i don't know the backstory but from the very brief details you've given, and looking at it from his point of view, you're the one that's decided you don't want to be in the relationship any more, so why should he be the one that moves out and loses his home? I wouldn't if I were him.

EdwardorEricCantDecide Mon 08-Oct-12 22:25:27

Ok back story: we have 2dc (3.6 & 11mo) we've been married for 5 years. He has always been selfish (ie excessive drinking, constantly out at football/poker/nights out etc. he works long hours so on the week nights he is out from 9am to 8pm but tends to go to football at least one night per week plus one day at the weekend then he have a night out most weekend even on weekends where he isn't out he sits at home and binge drinks (he has gotten through a whole litre of vodka on his own in one weekend) when drinking he has on occasion puked/pissed all over carpets/furniture etc.
when I fell pg with dc2 he started smoking cannabis behind my back he came clean about it after 6 months and said he was going to stop. He then continued to smoke it again behind my back for another 2 months this time he didn't come clean, I caught him. He then said he was having a "mid life crisis" and he would stop when DC2 was born. This was also a lie as when she was born he said he wasn't ready to stop but would limit it to a joint on a Friday and Saturday night. I left it at that because at the time my concern was just getting through the day with a toddler and newborn.
He did stick to it that time and stop smoking although he then increased the drinking.
He does little housework/gardening/childcare I do most of it including a lot of DIY (despite the fact that I also work.
He has also IMO been emotionally abusive in that he doubts everything I say and always has. He regularly puts me down but in v v subtle ways eg yeah dc are really clever that's from watching so much Mickey Mouse.
I've tried to split with him several time this year as after the past year I just really resent him. Each time I say we should split he agrees and says he's not happy either then a few days later swings a total 180 and decides that no he won't leave and wants to keep working at it etc constantly moving the goalposts and each time I've agreed to try again by default because its easier than getting solicitors etc and I always seem to fall for his promises of being better trying harder quitting drinking etc.
but now I've become so unhappy that I think I have reactive depression. My confidence is on the floor I can't eat or sleep properly (seem to swing from one extreme to the other) and I have a lot less patience with dc.
I now dread the weekend because he's there.
I just keep thinking I'm only 26yo and life should not be this miserable. sad

EdwardorEricCantDecide Mon 08-Oct-12 22:26:21

Wow that was long sorry, didn't want to drip feed thanks if you made it through that.

AnyFucker Tue 09-Oct-12 00:21:10

There is only one way to break the deadlock, but you have shied away from it so far.

Make it official. Start divorce proceedings. He cannot argue with that.

You will have to be strong though, and expect it to get shittier before it gets better. If you haven't the stomach for it, then things will stay the same, I am afraid.

Come on now...do you want to be 36, 46 and still stuck with this selfish fucker ? Nobody in this day and age is forced to stay with someone if they don't want to.

FlorIxora Tue 09-Oct-12 01:55:32

It's only a house, it's only money, it's not worth your unhappiness and that of your children.
Has he ever sought help for his addictions?

As AF says start proceedings, get help, go to the GP for depression, speak to friends or family you trust...

Speak to an accountant and work out how much debt you would be in, once house is sold and work out a budget for your future solo parent life and repayment of debt.

Once you have a "plan" it will feel less daunting. It's not healthy for your kids to live with an unhappy mum and an addicted/barely-present dad.

You're only 26, if you act now, life could be much sweeter in the not-so-distant future. Best of luck.

NeDeLaMer Tue 09-Oct-12 02:06:03

What Anyfucker said - with bells on. You are young - face up to it now and get it over and done with. He's not going to change, you'll just get older and more unhappy & the children will be damaged living like this. Pull up your big girl panties and face it head on.

ErikNorseman Tue 09-Oct-12 02:58:18

Start divorce proceedings - you have plenty of grounds - and the court will decide who keeps the house. Fwiw if you are main carer I think you would, but I guess you would have to afford the mortgage etc.

EdwardorEricCantDecide Tue 09-Oct-12 07:43:55

I know I can afford the mortgage as my TC would increase quite a bit.
But we already have quite a bit of other debt, the house is c£20,000 in negative equity and we can't afford a divorce on top of that. sad
I've now started looking at places to rent, think ill just have to leave him in the house, it's not a big or fancy house, but its the kids home I just can't believe that he's putting what he wants above them sad

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 09-Oct-12 07:45:07

Definitely make it official and get the divorce ball rolling. Otherwise, if you keep giving chance after chance, nothing will change.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 09-Oct-12 07:48:35

When I split from my exH the house was also in negative equity. If we'd sold it, we'd have both have been landed with a big debt and he certainly couldn't afford that. He therefore signed the house over to me as part of the settlement, I took over the mortgage in my own name with my parents as guarantors and, as there were no children involved, that was the last I saw of him. The cost of the divorce itself was pretty small.

My sister & BIL are in negative equity, and he wants his name off the mortgage to enable him to buy somewhere else. A solicitor has just advised her that as she will be taking over his half of the negative equity, he will have to pay her that amt. with everything else going on in your situation, get good legal advice asap.

EdwardorEricCantDecide Tue 09-Oct-12 08:10:00

I was aware that I'd be taking on his half of the negative equity and was prepared to do that as I have no intention to move in the next 20 years ad hope it will have begun to go up again but in any case I do have a C&I mortgage and so it would eventually be paid off anyway.

Snorbs Tue 09-Oct-12 08:53:33

its the kids home I just can't believe that he's putting what he wants above them

Sadly, from what you've said of his past behaviour it sounds like that's what he's been doing all along. He probably isn't even that interested in the house he's just trying to make splitting up sound so difficult that you'll agree to try again.

Trying to raising children with a drunk is a hideous experience. It drove me to suicidal depression. Life is so much better for me and my children now I'm a single parent.

EdwardorEricCantDecide Tue 09-Oct-12 09:02:53

He would reply that he's not a drunk as he only drinks at the weekend and doesn't touch alcohol in the week so can take it or leave it.

He has now said that he knows the marriage is over but he thinks we should live together as "friends/parents" until our debt is cleared but still seperate finances and ill still claim TC as a LP and work to clearing my existing debts.
I'm tempted to do this as I know I'd be debt free in less than half the time. putting me in a stronger position to find a nice place of my own and for divorce

BlueStringPudding Tue 09-Oct-12 09:14:17

Don't agree to that whatever you do, it's just a ploy to keep you together, and it would end up being a total nightmare. You need to file for divorce, and whilst you definitely need a solicitor to help you with the financial stuff, most of it you can do yourself which can make it cheaper.

You should be able to stay in the house, especially as there's no equity and this would seem to be the sensible thing to do, but you need legal advice..

Fairylea Tue 09-Oct-12 09:15:28

Just a random input.... not all mortgages accept tax credits. Only a few do. Nationwide being one of them .. that's who ours is with. So might be worth investigating this.

Also with the introduction of universal credit in April the amount everyone is entitled to will change and payments will go from weekly to monthly or so I have been told. I'd look into this when calculating your outgoings.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 09-Oct-12 09:15:51

You can't claim to be a LP if you're living with your husband. Doesn't work that way.

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker Tue 09-Oct-12 09:17:13

eh ?

That would be benefit fraud, wouldn't it ?

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker Tue 09-Oct-12 09:18:12

You need to take legal advice. Don't listen to your stupid husband, he wants what is best for him ie. the status quo

Flojo1979 Tue 09-Oct-12 09:21:21

I agree with others, file for divorce then he knows where he stands and u can sort the house out legally.
Btw u don't necessarily have to move in to a council house, u can private rent, housing benefit is means tested.
Affording the mortgage on your own and convincing the mortgage lender u can afford it on your own are 2 different things. Have u checked the lender would allow u to have the full mortgage?
No point fighting with ex if lender won't allow it.

EdwardorEricCantDecide Tue 09-Oct-12 09:26:23

I read on here that if we were separated ie not supporting each other financially (so he just pays his "share" of house and council tax then you can seperate finances as a lot of people are now in the position where they have to live together as they can't afford to seperate I have told TC that he hasnt moved out yet obviously and they still said they'd send the forms to start a new claim, so if it wasn't possible while he's still here wouldn't they have said I need to continue with current claim until he moves out?
My TC are currently monthly

foslady Tue 09-Oct-12 09:27:48

You were lucky Faitylea - Nationwide wouldn't contemplate me when I said Tax credits along with my wage would cover it (it did), became very heavy handed about suggesting repossession orders when we'd never missed a payment and never did until I'd remortgaged and then because of the lock in deal it cost me £2k in settlement fees..............sorry, repressed anger still coming out 3 years later about the way they treated me!

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 09-Oct-12 09:28:08

The definition of a 'cohabiting couple' for benefit purposes is anyone who lives or who appears to live as a couple. You would very firmly appear to live as a couple, even if the finances were separate.

foslady Tue 09-Oct-12 09:28:38

sorry I meant Fairylea - oops

And def go for divorce.....

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