Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
we are over - mil related (very long so no drip feeding)(50 Posts)
I have posted about problems with mil several times but so as not to drip feed I will give the whole story here...
Dp and I have been together 2 years. I have ds 7 and dd 4, he has dsd also 4. He and her mum had been seperated for 2 years when I met him. We now have ds 12 weeks.
Dp and dsd would often stay over at mine on a weekend, dsd and dd would top and tail a bit like a sleepover, they were both 3 so plenty of room in a single bed.
The first issue I had was when mil offered me a lift to work and when we were alone she said - you shouldn't treat all of the children the same, if dsd is naughty you can't tell her off because she doesn't live with you. even if she is doing the same as your children. she also said, she needs her own bed at your house because everything there is dd's. I told dp about this and we agreed about the bed thing but he wouldn't talk to her about the treating the kids differently because "he wasn't there and didn't hear her say it."
DP moved in, we got the girls bunk beds and things were fine. christmas came and went we spent exactly the same on the kids and dsd stayed over christmas eve. we treated the kids equally as we always try to.
dp's ex asked for more help so they arranged for a 50:50 custody. MIL has dsd a LOT and seeing that would change if we had dsd half the time she put a stop to it. telling Dp's ex that dsd didnt like it here, we didn't treat her specially and that it wasn't fair for her to be treated equally. DP didn't do anything about it.
In may this year mil rings dp drunk, (she has a drink problem and gets drunk every night but still holds down a job etc) saying how he should pick up dsd first because she is his daughter not those other kids, over and over. DP just hung up and wasn't going to mention it again. The next morning when she had sobered up I text her and said we treat the kids fairly, i know you think dsd should get specialy treatment but we treat them all the same and you will have to get used to it. MIL didn't like it, called me a hard faced bitch and to get fucked. DP said he was keeping out of it because it was my fault for texting her.
July comes and we have ds, the day we come home from hospital mil comes to visit and completely ignores me. When he was 2 weeks old dp took ds round there even though he is breast fed and i wasn't welcome. I wasn't happy about it but he went again the next week. she then didn't see ds for 5 weeks, then dp took ds there again, she didn't see him for weeks and then dp went there again. I told dp that she can come round any time, i have no problem with it.
Since ds has been born dp broke his phone so his family text my phone to contact him. if he is not in I always relpy to mil that he's not there but i will pass the message on and get him to call when he comes back. she never replies to these messages.
yesterday - I wake up and dp says my mum wants to come round and see the baby so can you go out please or she won't come. I said no but i will have a shower dry my hair etc and stay out of the way he ince agreed but said i have to stay upstairs.
When she had gone I said, I have done it this time but I won't be staying upstairs everytime she comes round, this is ridiculous and we need to sort it out. I have tried being polite and civil when she texts and get ignored what do you want me to do. DP kicked off saying how it is all my fault, I am evil and trying to keep ds away from his mum. I am just a sweat (nice) and generally giving me grief over it. I told him to leave and he has.
Sorry this is soooo long but is there anything more I could have done or could do or does he need to stand up to his mother (which he refuses to do incase it causes a row).
Didn't want to read and run. I don't have much to say, but I would be very very upset if I had to hide upstairs in my own home so that my DH could have someone round! I wouldn't put up with it, but I don't have children so I don't know how much that would change your perspective.
I hope someone is around to offer you some good advice soon.
He needs to stand up to her, and she cant rule two houses yours and hers at the same time. if he doesnt like it, then he can stay there and she can run his life as per normal I suspect. Sorry op its nowt to do with you and I am surprised you put up with it for this long, its not like you hav'nt tried is it?
You've done the right thing.
He treats you appallingly.
Well I have seen some of your other posts. I said I thought your real problem was with your DP, not your MIL.
I doubt there is anything you could have done differently, except maybe run a mile from this man and his alcoholic mother long before you had a child with him.
It looks like you're going to have a tough few years ahead of you unless he's prepared to move on and leave you alone.
I feel sorry for all the children, who have no choice but to be involved in this awful situation.
He should have stood up to his mother long before now. The fact that he lets his horrible mother treat you this way and then blames you for it says volumes about him. Time to get him and his witch of a mother of your life IMO.
Thanks for relpying all of you. you are all right in what you have said.
Olgaga You were right all along about it being dp, I just needed to open my eyes to it. I feel terrible about dragging the children through this whole mess too but hind sight is a wonderful thing and now that ds is here I wouldn't do it differently if I could. I guess I just have to tough it out and keep things as amicable as I can in regards to contact etc.
spineless partner seriously needs to grow a back bone.
Sounds like my ex mil, and is precisely why I ended up being so thankful I never had kids with xh.
I wonder if your mil was the reason he split with the ex too.
Eagleriderdirk I'm not sure why they split, MIL and dp's ex get on really well and still spend time together now. Largly because dsd spends a lot of time with mil, often for weeks at a time. it suits both ex and mil.
Naatashabee I wasn't best pleased but thought I would compromise since he actually tried to send me out. First thing he says to me when I wake up on a sunday morning!!
whatever else you do Rachog-don't take him back.
Oh Rachog, I hope I didn't sound harsh - I do feel so sad for you. I know that you have tried your level best with this. I'm not quite sure what to advise, but IMO if you are breastfeeding, your baby son is far too young to spend very long without you, at that age even a couple of hours is a very long time.
I think I'd want to keep him and his mother out of your home - especially if she has alcohol problems.
Has he actually left, and taken his stuff?
I didn't think you were harsh at all Olgaga you said what I would have thought, if it wasn't my own ds, if that makes any sense?
He left yesterday, he has yet to take his stuff. The funny thing is, he refuses to go back to his mums, (which is where he lived before he moved in with me) because he doesn't want to (and I quote) "give her the satisfaction". I assume he is at a mates.
Thanks Doha, I will.
Sounds like you are well rid. I bet he runs back to mummy when his mate gets sick of him. Don't go back to this spineless toad. And congrats on your baby!
thanks glastocat he is a lovely baby, shame about the dad. I am all for being close to your mum but seriously if she crosses the line she needs to be pulled up on it.
The fact he has gone seemingly so easily is the saddest thing here I think....u poor thing.
He needs to grow up and support u with your mil, he needs to think about his new baby and the consequences of this.
Pack his stuff and put it outside for him to collect. He's a prick and she's a bitch.
Figgygal he will think he is giving me a day or two to calm down and that he can just walk straight back in. He is in for a suprise, I have well and truly had enough!
I wish he would grow up and support me but she is his mum, apparently that means she is exempt from norml civil behviour.
He seriously needs to grow a pair . What a spineless excuse for a human being ! Ordering you out of your own home to allow that abusive , manipulative bitch to see her grandchild ? WTAF ?
Get rid . Get rid now while its still relatively simple . You could end up with years of misery dealing with that witch otherwise .
And if not , tell him to get his own goddamn phone . Maybe mummykins would like to pay for it to speak to her darling boysie woysie .
Words fucking fail me . Almost.
he will think he is giving me a day or two to calm down and that he can just walk straight back in
Well you'd better get the message across loud and clear that that's not gonna happen. You're better of nipping this MIL stuff in the bud now because it'll just get worse.
plomino it will only get more difficult if it is allowed to drag on won't it. At least ds won't know any different if he goes now. It will be harder for my own ds and dd but they have their own dad and will get over it with a lot of love.
so glad you all agree that getting rid now is the right thing to do. Wasn't sure if I should have been putting up and shutting up. My own mum died when I was a kid so have never had to deal with her interfering or anything, I wasn't sure how much leway they get!
Gather his stuff in black plastic bags and either put it outside and tell him he has 24 hours to collect it or you will arrange for it to be picked up by a charity van..
send it round to his mums/mates in a taxi-paid for by the recipient
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.