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Fantasies of turning the tables on abusive DH

(356 Posts)
Revengefantasiesrus Mon 08-Oct-12 13:17:46

My DH is sometimes physically abusive.

About twice a year or so (almost invariably alcohol related) he will lose his temper push me, pull my hair, scream in my face, pin me down, intimidate me an in the most extreme scenario has choked me (momentarily) ad held a knife at my eye level.

The rest of the time he is extremely affectionate, loving and kind. As they are.

This weekend he went out with the lads and got utterly wasted and rolled in at 5am. I don't mind this and occasionally do the same myself on a night out with the girls. What I did mind is I asked him to do 2 simple things - not to lose the bank card because it is the only way we had of paying for anything and to make sure he kept enough cash for the taxi because we didn't have any in the house.

Needless to say he came back without cash or card. Plus his shirt was ripped as he ha been fighting. I was not best pleased.

So the next morning at about lunchtime I woke him and gave him a bitchy and sarcastic piece of my mind. Whereat he shouted at me, grabbed me, pinned me on the bed and choked me. Then said it was my fault for pushing his buttons (hollow laugh).

Yes I know I should leave him but I won't be for a huge number of reasons I won't go into.

The point of this post is, has anyone else, having been in this position, had subsequent fantasies where they drug and tie up their partner and then when they wake up do exactly to them what they did to you?

He has apologized, begged forgiveness, says he will never touch me again blah blah blah. But lying in bed last night all I could think of was how much I wanted to see HIM lying there helpless while I scream in his face with a knife in my hand and choke him until he can't breathe and show him just how it feels to be helpless and afraid and completely powerless to make it stop. I want him to see hate and viciousness in my face and to feel visceral fear.

And I want to do it so much I almost feel like I could.

I have forgiven, made allowances, tried to love him and understand how his abusive childhood has damaged him, I have paid for his therapy and medication, I have moved on and put these things behind me so many times. Now, all of a sudden, I don't want to do that any more. I don't want to leave him, for me the good currently does actually outweigh the bad. But I do want to punish him and show him how it feels.

Is it just me?

izzyizin Thu 11-Oct-12 21:53:09

What an intelligent, thoughtful, compassionate, and misguided woman you seem to be... a veritable testimony of hope over experience.

But it's beginning to turn sour because there's only so much hope you can generate and hold out when experience tells you that nothing's changed and you come to the realisation that, despite everything you've done, despite all the resources you've depleted in the struggle to make it come good, nothing is going to change.

tumbletumble Thu 11-Oct-12 21:42:18

OP, I have just read this thread and feel moved to post (I rarely post in Relationships - normally stick to the 'easy listening' nature of Chat). If you are still reading, I just wanted to let you know what an intelligent, thoughtful and compassionate woman you seem to be. I really hope things work out for you one way or another.

Jux Thu 11-Oct-12 18:50:09

...and I meant to put a smile or wink on my post to you Strawb, in an effort to soften the blow grin

Back to op...

How are you? I am concerned that you have left the nest of vipers and will find yourself without support when you need it. A lot of people here are worried about you, and your children.

It is awfully hard to leave; even when abuse is persistent and continuous and the bad clearly outweighs the good.

Do you think he can be persuaded to get serious therapy for himself?
Do you think he realizes that he may very well lose you all if he doesn't commit to sorting out his issues?
Does he realise how likely he is to kill you - even if he doesn't actually mean to? How close he comes to doing so?
Do you think you might be able to talk to him about that - very non-confrontationally of course, and definitely in a public place. I don't know how good an idea that is though.

Whatever you decide we will be here in Relationships, ready to support you and help you through, when you need it.

strawberry17 Thu 11-Oct-12 15:53:46

Have apologised to OP in private, crap at the etiquette/rules on relationships boards and will stay away, no malice was intended.

strawberry17 Thu 11-Oct-12 15:39:50

I am so sorry OP and the rest of you I truly wasn't engaging my brain.

Jux Thu 11-Oct-12 15:24:14

Have reported that post, Strawb. Better done by pm, next time, eh?

izzyizin Thu 11-Oct-12 13:58:05

That seems to have been a quantum leap on your part, strawberry.

Apart from 2 small dc and a dh on medication for anxiety, I can't see a connection unless of course that OP deducted 2 years from her age.

needsomeperspective Thu 11-Oct-12 13:50:48

Nope that's me. I've been PMing the OP.

AThingInYourLife Thu 11-Oct-12 13:04:25

I don't think strawberry was trying to "out" the OP, or intending to cast any aspersions by linking.

I read it that she was trying to help.

It might not even be the same person anyway, we have no way of knowing.

Probably a good idea to ask to remove the link. Either the OP doesn't want it made (which is up to her) or it's a different person's problem.

JennaLemon Thu 11-Oct-12 12:52:40

* @ strawberry* why on earth have you outed her like that? That was unnecessary. She's not trolling. She's venting. If you identified her as the same OP it's because the details add up. I think it's awful that you've linked to that thread. OP is not jumping through the hoop quickly enough for the viewers, sorry posters, so you will out her?? I am going to ask mn to remove that post. She is entitled to name change. She's entitled to look for perspective on different flaws in the relationship. The fact that she's done this twice in 3 months proves her head is not in the sand.

Give her a break.

Lueji Thu 11-Oct-12 12:49:41

And as minmooch, I did tell DS the reason for daddy not living with us anymore.

In simple terms and allowing him to love his dad anyway.

Lueji Thu 11-Oct-12 12:46:12

I accepted that as long as he keeps taking his antidepressants he won't hurt me. Unless he mixes them with enough booze of course. Then all bets are off.

Yes. And l left him, because he did mix them. And I wouldn't put up with it.

And he was a SAHD, due to his anxiety, and we had just moved countries.
He's now back and to his family.

The main priority is your safety, and of the children too.

You cannot possibly be 100% sure he won't ever hurt the children.

Nobody will slate you for dumping him. And the idiots who do, all you can ask is if they would put up with his aggressive behaviour. And ignore them.

JennaLemon Thu 11-Oct-12 12:41:58

If you're still reading OP, hope you're ok. I think posters can be unrealistic in their expectations of how quickly you can change your life. As I see it now your perspective is altered slightly. That' a massive big deal in my opinion. You say you love your husband 90% of the time. The next time he abuses you though, and you say yourself it WILL happen, you will be seeing things from a different perspective than you were before because the reason this thread has upset you is not because of the posts,but because the rationalisations you had constructed are probably faltering a bit.

Sorry that you feel worse after reading this thread, but at the risk of sounding really 'got that t-shirt' I think it's a phase in the process. Obviously you are not going to pack a bag or file for a divorce 72 hours after first putting it out there, in a thread, that you're not comfortable with x, y or z.

strawberry17 Thu 11-Oct-12 11:50:42

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

minmooch Thu 11-Oct-12 11:11:32

I am so sorry that you feel this way. We want to help you find a way out if this situation. All of us want you to believe in yourself and to know that you do not deserve this abuse. We want you to know that there are ways out of this situation.

If you feel it more helpful to have a private talk with any of us I am sure that we would do what we can to help you.

If you decide not to engage with any poster on here please keep reading other threads where you will see the same advice is given to any woman facing abuse.

Revengefantasiesrus Thu 11-Oct-12 10:59:46

Some posters have expressed their concern for me and my children and I appreciate that. Some posters have taken this as an opportunity to basically character assassinate me and accuse me of actively enjoying the situation I find myself in being self indulgent, martyred and even supremely arrogant. Frankly I'd rather take my chances with my husband than put up with the abuse I've received from mumsnet thanks. I will go back to just keeping my mouth shut and dealing with it. The help and isn't worth the abuse which actually has made me feel worse than I did before I began this thread. I won't be back.

minmooch Thu 11-Oct-12 10:44:59

People are frightened for you and your children. We are a step removed from your situation and are therefore able to look at it more clearly without your emotions.

I think people are just trying to shock you into realising how dire your situation is as you have normalised some of his behaviour and are taking it on yourself to sort him out.

I did not tell people in rl about my husbands abuse because I was ashamed - ashamed of his behaviour and ashamed I had got myself into this situation. my sons illness bought it into focus what was right and not right, that my shame (deserved or not) had no place in the relationship. For you and your kids the consequences of not sorting this are horrendous.
Fwiw the things I tell my family and friends now they are pleased and proud of me for getting out of the situation.

I have also found that in protecting my children by not telling them why I had left has left them confused. Telling them the reasons )age appropriate and not done to turn them against df) has made them appreciate me for my strength of character.

You are naturally defensive of your reasons to have stayed with your husband despite his abuse, you are trying to reconcile your beliefs against what everybody else is saying to you. It is very hard to make these steps but you have started by talking on here, started a process that hopefully will allow yourself to get out of this situation. You are right in that any separation does not have to be done with vindictiveness but neither do you have to save your husband before saving yourself and your children.

Revengefantasiesrus Thu 11-Oct-12 10:03:45

And if that was the case wouldn't I have told people in real life about how wonderful I am an how much pain I can take? You really are a bitch of the first water to come on here and start slagging me off aren't you? Hot nothing better to do with your time than kick people who are already down an vulnerable and trying to find some outlet for their emotions and pain? Shame on you.

Revengefantasiesrus Thu 11-Oct-12 10:01:34

And if I do decide to leave I won't be telling my parents or my children the reasons why. Because it would hurt them to know I was hurt. But sorry, that's me grandstanding my martyrdom isn't it.

i should be taking out an advert in the daily mail to publicist his assholishness and put my Feminist boots on to stomp all over him.

Revengefantasiesrus Thu 11-Oct-12 09:58:58

I don't recall ever saying I would stay. Or go. Or that I am wonderful. What I said was I will make my own decisions and won't be bullied by strangers on the Internet into immediately jumping into Leaving the Bastard or kicking him out with nothing regardless of how fucking rude you are to me.

AThingInYourLife Thu 11-Oct-12 09:47:52

"If the genders were reversed and I was a bloke saying I wanted to kick out my stay at home wife who had no job and no way of supporting herself because she had been bringing up our kids and supporting my career I'd be rightly slated - no matter how awfully I had been treated."

Horshit!

You think people on MN would defend a woman who threatened her husband with knives and strangled him?!

You think a man would be told he was responsible for his abuser just because she was a SAHM?

The "reverse the genders" is always a weak argument, but that is laughable.

You are not leaving him for you, because you want things to stay this way.

It's not for him, or your children, or your parents, or because you're such a wonderful person hmm

Are you entirely blind to how self-indulgent you are about this?

It's quite plain that you enjoy this argument and telling so many people that you will stay because you are so wonderful you will continue to take the pain.

minmooch Thu 11-Oct-12 09:00:34

All bets are off now sweetie. You have done your best for this man, you can hold your head up high that you did your best. But he needs to sort himself out now - you cannot do it for him.

There is no reason on this world that can possibly excuse a man who holds a knife to the eye of his wife, pregnant or not.

Whether you love him or not is irrelevant - you have children who are dependent on you to keep them safe. They need their mum to be strong for them and that means keeping them away from their father until he himself has sorted out his issues. They need you alive, mentally strong and physically able - and these are things your husband is threatening.

We have all made mistakes (me - 2 bad marriages) but accepting our mistakes and sorting them out make us the better person. In your case sorting out means getting this man away from you and your kids.

I wish you strength to do this.

Revengefantasiesrus Thu 11-Oct-12 08:51:33

He ran out of his meds and went cold turkey for 3 days before he could get another prescription. In that time he lost his temper because r was driving like a maniac and I dared to criticize him. So he screeched back home totally lost it and held a knife to my eye. I was 8 months pregnant.

Before that it had been nearly 2 years since he had done anything of the kind.

I accepted that as long as he keeps taking his antidepressants he won't hurt me. Unless he mixes them with enough booze of course. Then all bets are off.

I'm crying again now.

Revengefantasiesrus Thu 11-Oct-12 08:47:46

You can never be 100 per cent sure he won't hurt your children as I am certain when you married him you were 100 per cent sure he would not hurt you.

Sadly not so. He had already been abusive when I married him. But had made huge progress with therapy and medication. When he is in therapy he has never been abusive towards me. Maybe because he would be scared to have to repeat it to his therapist. I believed he had changed. We went for a long time between episodes of abuse once. A long long time. But it happened again eventually. It always does.

EternalHope Thu 11-Oct-12 08:37:59

I haven't read the whole thread so please forgive if I have missed something crucial. I have had cause to read a lot about abused women and discovered that often the final trigger for the woman to leave is NOT that she is fearful for her own safety (like you, many women normalise and discount the abuse) but is instead when she realises that she is going to kill or hurt her abusive partner if he continues. Presumably this starts with fantasies of revenge such as you have had. Get out before you do anything stupid which results in a very long prison term and heart break. Your situation sounds very dangerous no matter how much you protest that your DH is wonderful 95% of the time: by the way, attacking you even ONCE is once too many. You owe your DH precisely nothing in the light of that. Do not feel guilty about kicking him out.

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