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Fantasies of turning the tables on abusive DH

(356 Posts)
Revengefantasiesrus Mon 08-Oct-12 13:17:46

My DH is sometimes physically abusive.

About twice a year or so (almost invariably alcohol related) he will lose his temper push me, pull my hair, scream in my face, pin me down, intimidate me an in the most extreme scenario has choked me (momentarily) ad held a knife at my eye level.

The rest of the time he is extremely affectionate, loving and kind. As they are.

This weekend he went out with the lads and got utterly wasted and rolled in at 5am. I don't mind this and occasionally do the same myself on a night out with the girls. What I did mind is I asked him to do 2 simple things - not to lose the bank card because it is the only way we had of paying for anything and to make sure he kept enough cash for the taxi because we didn't have any in the house.

Needless to say he came back without cash or card. Plus his shirt was ripped as he ha been fighting. I was not best pleased.

So the next morning at about lunchtime I woke him and gave him a bitchy and sarcastic piece of my mind. Whereat he shouted at me, grabbed me, pinned me on the bed and choked me. Then said it was my fault for pushing his buttons (hollow laugh).

Yes I know I should leave him but I won't be for a huge number of reasons I won't go into.

The point of this post is, has anyone else, having been in this position, had subsequent fantasies where they drug and tie up their partner and then when they wake up do exactly to them what they did to you?

He has apologized, begged forgiveness, says he will never touch me again blah blah blah. But lying in bed last night all I could think of was how much I wanted to see HIM lying there helpless while I scream in his face with a knife in my hand and choke him until he can't breathe and show him just how it feels to be helpless and afraid and completely powerless to make it stop. I want him to see hate and viciousness in my face and to feel visceral fear.

And I want to do it so much I almost feel like I could.

I have forgiven, made allowances, tried to love him and understand how his abusive childhood has damaged him, I have paid for his therapy and medication, I have moved on and put these things behind me so many times. Now, all of a sudden, I don't want to do that any more. I don't want to leave him, for me the good currently does actually outweigh the bad. But I do want to punish him and show him how it feels.

Is it just me?

WilfredToadflax Mon 08-Oct-12 13:41:07

I'm sure that revenge fantasies in this situation are normal, however, I can't believe there are any reasons that outweigh the abuse that mean you should stay.

The very fact that you're having these fantasies should be a sign that you've had enough, and you need to part company.
Him having an abusive childhood is a reason for his behaviour, but it certainly doesn't excuse it. Do you want your dc's partners of the future using the same excuses for their behaviour? Because as long as you stay, they (assuming you have dc that is) will assume this is normal.

Go before he kills you, or before you snap and kill him whilst acting out your fantasies.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 08-Oct-12 13:41:16

Telling him the behaviour is unacceptable is fine as far as it goes but you know it won't stop. You know it's wrong to stay.

Dryjuice25 Mon 08-Oct-12 13:42:20

*fantasizing

lolaflores Mon 08-Oct-12 13:43:34

You are a victim. Even if you do get to act out and put him the same position as you are in, it will make not a jot of a difference. he will never understand, because if he did he wouldn't do it.

Stay if you must, but you can never rationalise with violent men. I am not sure if you have answered whether you have children with this charmer? If you have then excuse me. If you haven't well I am sure it is because you know precisely what the lasting damage is. So, that is for you to explain to your kids later and what kept you there. Those list of pros will not add up to a hill of beans, believe me

wilderumpus Mon 08-Oct-12 13:44:46

revenge I am so sorry to hear about how you are treated. I am also really sorry that this treatment has on some level been so normalised to you that you think this is tolerable, and are now learning the ways of him indoors - who you see as having power in his nasty brutal ways sad he doesn't have power, he is a twat.

Being treated as you describe is NOT tolerable in my world on ANY level! You really won't leave? but would rather spend your days fantasising about drugging, tying someone up and then humilating and causing them extreme fear? hmm

I do not in any way blame you for your thoughts but I really, really want you to be objective and see how on some level you seem to think these behaviours are ok. Ok because you put up with it, ok because now you feel like doing it yourself. It is not ok! it is frightening and sad!

good luck OP. Please leave and come to normality where people treat each other with kindness and respect (most of the time smile) take care.

Revengefantasiesrus Mon 08-Oct-12 13:48:19

There is a process to be gone through if I choose to end my marriage which will take several months. Due to many complexities surrounding our finances, living situation and because of the country where we currently reside. No women's aid here. I also do not feel in actual physical danger. He has never actually so much as bruised me. And is proud of the fact that he has "never HIT a woman" HA!!!

If he did kill me it would most likely be by accident. I asked him to please just slap me the next time as he is less likely to accidentally cause serious injury, brain damage or respiratory arrest.

I think my growing instinct to stand my ground and openly show the disgust and contempt I feel rather than the fear when he abuses me might exacerbate the risks in remaining in the marriage though.

izzyizin Mon 08-Oct-12 13:50:26

I wanted to SCARE him and make him feel threatened and powerless and terrified A few hours in police cells tends to have that effect on bullies such as the violent twunt you've misguidedly stayed with for far too long.

I'm curious about those 'huge number of reasons' why you won't leave him even though you know you should.

Has he got megabucks, a mahoosive dick, charm to sway, or, hopefully, a terminal illness that means you'll be a seriously gay loaded widow in the next few months? Are you into auto-erotic aphyxiation and get your rocks off bigtime when being throttled? Or is that you 'love' him?

Dryjuice25 Mon 08-Oct-12 13:51:59

Not sure what op is expecting as she is acutely aware of this unacceptable abuse to herself be honest. I don't see how this is helpful to her/others in dangerous relationship who might read this thread

Revengefantasiesrus Mon 08-Oct-12 13:52:01

Eldritch, you are quite right - he has been made to feel that way as a child. But I suspect his dad never choked him which is why he does it - he doesn't realize quite how terrifying and painful it is. He never hits me or otherwise causes injury because that would make him like his dad. But choking is "different" right ?!

janelikesjam Mon 08-Oct-12 13:52:50

Nobody can tell you what to do OP. But I was reading the other day that a significant proportion of the women killed by their partners have never had a finger laid on them even in their relationships lasting decades - "only" emotional abuse. Then one day, out of the blue .... This is not meant to alarm you, but it is a chilling fact.

HarderToKidnap Mon 08-Oct-12 13:54:36

Have you read "Dolores Claiborne"? If not, you should.

Revengefantasiesrus Mon 08-Oct-12 13:55:36

I just wanted to write it down to see if it would get it out of my head.

It hadn't happened for months.

I felt really happy with him.

I wasn't scared or angry any more.

Now I'm just fucking fucking furious.

And I've never felt angry before.

Sad and hurt and disappointed and distraught. But oddly enough I never felt like I hated him. I actually used to feel huge compassion for him because if his own abuse and how much he hates himself after he abuses me. But I don't feel sorry for him this time. I feel really really really ANGRY.

Dryjuice25 Mon 08-Oct-12 13:57:48

You asked him to slap you.....this makes me want to weep for you.

Do you think he will own up to choking and hitting you????!!!!

alienreflux Mon 08-Oct-12 14:01:15

op please say if you have kids?

NaiceSpam Mon 08-Oct-12 14:01:58

I think you should do it. You should tie him up and threaten him and terrify him.

And then you should leave him immediately.

AvonCallingBarksdale Mon 08-Oct-12 14:02:56

If he did kill me it would most likely be by accident. I asked him to please just slap me the next time as he is less likely to accidentally cause serious injury, brain damage or respiratory arrest

OP, please re-read what you have written here ^^.
This is not a normal way to live and there is nothing that could outweigh the benefits of leaving someone like this.

Revengefantasiesrus Mon 08-Oct-12 14:04:37

He does own up. He acknowledges what he does, accepts complete responsibility, apologies repeatedly, castigates himself, punishes himself, swears it will never happen again. And for months and months it doesn't. And he is loving and sweet and kind and all the usual gubbins. Until one night six or eight months later he will get pissed and I will forget not to watch my step after he has been drinking and he will flip. And JUST manage not to cause me any physical injury. It never happens when the children are awake or so they will be disturbed (they are babies). He never does it when there is anyone else there. He only does it when attacked or feels he is being criticized and belittled (in his own mind). There is a narrow and specific set of circumstances which triggers him. But it doesn't matter how narrow they are or how infrequently it happens. It's WRONG.

izzyizin Mon 08-Oct-12 14:05:48

As suggested by HTK, Dolores Claiborne is a good one but you may find Misery, also by Stephen King, more in line with your fantasy of tying him down when he's out of it...

CailinDana Mon 08-Oct-12 14:05:57

If it is WRONG (which it is) then why do you want to stay with him?

Dryjuice25 Mon 08-Oct-12 14:08:11

And fwiw, choking ranks as the highest form of abuse(used by the worst of criminals) and it doesn't happen by accident. It's meant to make you stop breathing and not just to punish you. And its a few seconds short of murder hence you should be terrified .

kerala Mon 08-Oct-12 14:08:21

Sounds deeply messed up I cant even begin to understand your reasoning.

I would have thought the best revenge is to leave, set up your own fulfilled happy life without him leaving him fuming on the sidelines.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 08-Oct-12 14:08:26

So walk. Stuff the finances, the living situation or the national whatever it is that's designed to keep women trapped... and walk. I think your anger is borne of the frustration at finally realising that you have no influence over this man's behaviour. This one thing you can do for yourself.

Revengefantasiesrus Mon 08-Oct-12 14:08:39

I asked him to slap me partly to make him feel more guilty and partly because it genuinely would be less risky an if he absolutely HAS to physically vent his rage on me I would prefer it to be in the most non potentially lethal way possible. I'm pragmatic like that.

Naicespam - sometimes in my fantasy I do just that and sometimes he "gets it" and never does it again. Depends on how angry and or strong I'm feeling.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 08-Oct-12 14:09:45

You're not pragmatic, you're delusional

CailinDana Mon 08-Oct-12 14:11:04

Sorry I agree with Cogito. Your posts are coming across as very unbalanced and I really worry about your children living in such a dysfunctional situation. How would you feel if you came home one day to find your DH choking one of your children?

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