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Fantasies of turning the tables on abusive DH

(356 Posts)
Revengefantasiesrus Mon 08-Oct-12 13:17:46

My DH is sometimes physically abusive.

About twice a year or so (almost invariably alcohol related) he will lose his temper push me, pull my hair, scream in my face, pin me down, intimidate me an in the most extreme scenario has choked me (momentarily) ad held a knife at my eye level.

The rest of the time he is extremely affectionate, loving and kind. As they are.

This weekend he went out with the lads and got utterly wasted and rolled in at 5am. I don't mind this and occasionally do the same myself on a night out with the girls. What I did mind is I asked him to do 2 simple things - not to lose the bank card because it is the only way we had of paying for anything and to make sure he kept enough cash for the taxi because we didn't have any in the house.

Needless to say he came back without cash or card. Plus his shirt was ripped as he ha been fighting. I was not best pleased.

So the next morning at about lunchtime I woke him and gave him a bitchy and sarcastic piece of my mind. Whereat he shouted at me, grabbed me, pinned me on the bed and choked me. Then said it was my fault for pushing his buttons (hollow laugh).

Yes I know I should leave him but I won't be for a huge number of reasons I won't go into.

The point of this post is, has anyone else, having been in this position, had subsequent fantasies where they drug and tie up their partner and then when they wake up do exactly to them what they did to you?

He has apologized, begged forgiveness, says he will never touch me again blah blah blah. But lying in bed last night all I could think of was how much I wanted to see HIM lying there helpless while I scream in his face with a knife in my hand and choke him until he can't breathe and show him just how it feels to be helpless and afraid and completely powerless to make it stop. I want him to see hate and viciousness in my face and to feel visceral fear.

And I want to do it so much I almost feel like I could.

I have forgiven, made allowances, tried to love him and understand how his abusive childhood has damaged him, I have paid for his therapy and medication, I have moved on and put these things behind me so many times. Now, all of a sudden, I don't want to do that any more. I don't want to leave him, for me the good currently does actually outweigh the bad. But I do want to punish him and show him how it feels.

Is it just me?

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 08-Oct-12 13:23:15

I think you're an idiot for sticking around. What's the point fantasising about revenge when you're prepared to carry on being his punch-bag? You say you don't want to forgive any more but, by staying, you're condoning his behaviour

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 08-Oct-12 13:25:31

BTW... the best form of revenge would be to report him to the police. They tend to be far less sentimental.

Porcel Mon 08-Oct-12 13:25:40

He'll kill you eventually, you know.

Revengefantasiesrus Mon 08-Oct-12 13:27:17

So no one else has these fantasies? Has anyone actually done it? How did it feel?

MorrisZapp Mon 08-Oct-12 13:28:50

No relationship can survive when the parties involved punish each other. Either its so bad you end the relationship, or you talk it through and then move on.

Given that your own situ involves physical abuse, nobody here could possibly advise you to stay with him and punish him. It's your decision, but you are v unlikely to get support with it on here.

Revengefantasiesrus Mon 08-Oct-12 13:29:05

It's not that I want revenge as such - so getting him arrested or any other form of "punishment" wouldn't do. I actually want to show him exactly how it feels to be in that position.

Porcel Mon 08-Oct-12 13:29:32

Course people have done it - they're the women in prison serving life sentences after years of abuse.

Revengefantasiesrus Mon 08-Oct-12 13:30:56

Of course I'm not looking for "support" in the sense that anyone is going to say "yeah go in tie him up and give him a whack" I'm not a cretin! I just wondered if this feeling was normal in the circumstances or if I'm just particularly bloodthirsty and vindictive.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 08-Oct-12 13:31:39

"Has anyone actually done it?"

Are you for real? Are you actually expecting someone to bowl up here and say 'oh yes, I plunged a knife in the nasty fucker's back...'?

Revengefantasiesrus Mon 08-Oct-12 13:32:54

Good point Porcel.

I doubt I WOULD do it. But I am morbidly preoccupied with the thought at the moment. Maybe I will just tell him I want to. I wonder what he would say.

CailinDana Mon 08-Oct-12 13:33:01

Revenge fantasies are totally normal, I think everyone has them at some stage. However if you're having these fantasies about the one person in your life who should be your main support and partner, then that is totally fucked up.

Do you have children with this idiot?

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 08-Oct-12 13:33:46

You are particularly bloodthirsty and vindictive in the way a muzzled dog snarls at its vicious master. i.e. because you are choosing to stay with your abuser, the only way you can find some peace of mind is to fantasise about lashing out. Why do that to yourself when, unlike a dog, you could simply walk away, make a new life and not have to think about him every again?

Revengefantasiesrus Mon 08-Oct-12 13:34:03

No of course not! And I said I wanted to SCARE him and make him feel threatened and powerless and terrified not actually INJURE him.

colditz Mon 08-Oct-12 13:34:53

tHE FEELLING IS NORMAL, AND WHAT'S MORE THESE REVENGE FANTASIES WON'T GO AWAY UNTIL YOU ARE OUT OF THE ABUSIVE SITUATION.

bECAUSE YOU SEE, YOU ARE STILL IN AN ABUSIVE SITUATION. hE'S BEING NICE NOW, BUT THAT'S BECAUSE HE'S GETTING HIS OWN WAY. ONCE HE ISN'T GETTING HIS OWN WAY, ALL HELL WILL BREAK LOOSE, YOU KNOW THIS AND ARE SUPPRESSING YOUR NATURAL BEHAVIORAL RESPONSES. hENCE THE REVENGE FANTASIES/

alienreflux Mon 08-Oct-12 13:34:59

oh revenge i can understand how you want him to feel those awful feelings,but why? in the hope that he will comprehend and not do it to you again? or because you hate him and want him to suffer?
Don't think you need telling that your relationship is dysfunctional to the extreme, and will end up in him killing/maiming you or you flipping your lid, and killing/maiming him.
Do you have kids in the house?

MissHuffy Mon 08-Oct-12 13:35:29

When I was a child I used to be present when my dad behaved like this to my mum. I used to dream about waiting until he was asleep and killing him. Nice for a child to carry that around...

If you have children, think what you're teaching them by staying.

By the way, my dad did try to kill my mum... She finally left.

Dryjuice25 Mon 08-Oct-12 13:37:04

" the good currently outweigh the bad"

I vehemently disagree. What can ever compensate for someone choking you? I'm actually terrified for you op. Get out now....or you will be carried out. Please leave him , you can't change him, no one can. This man is dangerous ....and look what he has done to you. Right now you should be fantasize about a future free of abuse and danger. You are a nice person who has been reduced to his standards. It's not healthy, please walk out/call women's aid.

Good luck

Porcel Mon 08-Oct-12 13:37:20

And if you're seriously considering getting violent with him, bare in mind he's likely to just up his own violence in response. One of you is going to get very hurt here, probably you.

EldritchCleavage Mon 08-Oct-12 13:37:23

Probably someone in his life HAS made him feel threatened and powerless and terrified and he is acting out a weird kind of revenge/exorcism by doing it to you.

Don't indulge these fantasies, or you'll get stuck in the same damaged mindset as your husband. Just leave him to it. If you must have a revenge fantasy, image his face when you finally, calmly, leave him to face his demons alone.

janelikesjam Mon 08-Oct-12 13:37:28

Revenge Fantasies is an interesting concept. I think some of it is natural in terms of "natural justice" e.g. in a way thats why people are punished by the criminal justice system. I think protecting oneself is a laudable project (otherwise we would all be doormats). However, it seems to me one of the problems with revenge is that it is some time "after the fact or the act" and so has to be treated more carefully IMO.

Tip 1 - find a way to "get out of the way" with dignity and self-respect.
Tip 2 - revenge is a dish best served cold i.e. not lashing out, but with your own power and dignity in tact.
Tip 3 - if someone is really nasty and insane, they are in their own miserable world. Best to find somewhere nicer to live for yourself and leave them to it, hence the saying living well is the best revenge.

I don't know where that leaves you OP with your husband though. Such violence and violence revenge fantasies, I don't know what to say.

Revengefantasiesrus Mon 08-Oct-12 13:37:41

I just don't want to feel like a fucking victim.

I used to cower and sob. Now when he does it I just look him straight in the eye and say "this behavior is utterly unacceptable. You are just like your step father. Stop NOW". Which of course provokes him but I will NOT fucking cry and curl up in a ball. He won't make me.

MummytoKatie Mon 08-Oct-12 13:40:01

If you got him arrested and sent to prison that is almost certainly what would happen to him. And you would be safe. Sounds win win to me.

CailinDana Mon 08-Oct-12 13:40:02

The only way to stop feeling like a victim is to stop letting him do this to you. By staying with him you are telling him can treat you like utter shit and you'll just come back for more. There's nothing that screams "victim" louder than that.

janelikesjam Mon 08-Oct-12 13:40:04

And I agree with Colditz really ...

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