Furious with dh - he's just pi*sed on bedroom floor!

[Makingmama]

My dh has just pissed on our bedroom floor...our dd 20mo sleeping in her cot just a foot away from where he did it!!!! I'm FURIOUS

I've told him when he goes to work in the morning he can take a bag of his stuff as he won't be coming home until he's sorted himself out/grown up FFS!!!

He's been working 6/7 days a week for months and has been getting very tired - and complaining of being very tired. So tonight (he's worked all day) he said he was popping to the pub as he owed them £6 for drinks and he'd stay and have 1 drink with his friend. He said he'd be home way before 10pm (as I'd said I'd be going to bed then). 12.30am I'm woken by 3yo, I sort him then realise dh isn't home (still) so I phone him. He's still in the pub. I do go a bit mad, cross with him for being so irresponsible as he's SO tired and had to get up for work at 6am and is driving a lot for work tomorrow. He came straight home and we had an argument as I' exhausted and don't understand why he's out if he's the same Told him to sleep on the couch and not to come into our bedroom at all!!

02.15 - I'm asleep in bed and wake suddenly to a sound a running water. Shouting what's that? Dh is lying on bedroom floor, jeans around his ankles weeing. Right next to dd's cot. I aksed him to get out. I cleaned it up and have been downstairs to ask him how much exactly he drank (5 pints apparently).

He does have form for this, but not for quite a while (as in maybe a year or so) and definitely never near to a dc! He's never been 'out' much but whenever he does go out for a drink to the pub he can NEVER just have 1 or 2 - a quiet drink. He always drinks too much. We've had to rip up carpet, get rid of a sofa and a puffee thing and prob more, all due to damage from him peeing on them over and over. Last time this happened I made it clear to him that if it ever happens again he'll have to leave as I can't have dc being brought up in a house where they can't walk downstairs in the morning where they may find their dad lying in a pool of piss!

He drinks at home most nights if he can, 1 or 2 cans. Although I restrict this as not enough ££ and not healthy etc. We'd been to a friend's Sat night as it was and drank quite a bit between us. He'd been to his friend's Fri night too. He goes out to a friends house 3/4 times a week (more if he could). 2 of his friends smoke pot so I know he goes there as much as possible so he can have a joint...I don't like this either.

So does he have a drink/drug problem? And now what do I do? I think I have to make him leave until he's sorted himself out don't I?

Also apart from this shit side of him. He works very hard to support us (I only work 1 day a wk) We have 3 very young dc and struggle for ££ and time. And he's hands on with the kids and housework when he's home. But, for all of his good points (and he does have a lot) this is just not the unbringing I want my kids to have.

Am I doing the right thing following through in the morning and making him leave the family home until he's really sorted? But how do I know that he is?

[deleted203]

Ohhh...(gulp). That's a toughie. He works hard, helps with housework and kids. But he pisses himself when he's had a drink. I can understand how furious you are at the moment, and also that you'd already warned him that one more time and he was out. I think for now I would tell him in the morning that he's to go stay at a friends/relations for a few days to give you time to calm down and think about whether you want him back.

[Makingmama]

Thanks sowornout, think that's what I'll have to do...just to hopefully shock him into thinking I mean business.

Why oh why does he do this...as if we have time for all of this crap?!!!

Well I will try and get some sleep now before it's wake up time!

[ripsishere]

I agree with sowornout. Can you talk to him rationally in the morning?

[izzyizin]

It patently obvious that he has a drink problem but my immediate concern is that he returned from the pub well past midnight knowing that he had to get up at 6am and drive.

The fact that he got drunkto the extent that he's pissed himself unawares suggests that there's no way he'll be sober in 2 and half hours time and, coupled with very little sleep, he's going to present a danger to other road users.

If I were you, I'd hide his car keys and make sure the only place he goes tomorrow is to the doctor's to set in motion some means by which he drastically controls or ends his dependence on alchohol.

If he kicks off, call the police as a breath test will most probably establish that he's not fit to drive and, as he'll be nowhere near a vehicle or have the means to drive one, any such test won't have an adverse affect on his licence/driving record.

[YouSmegHead]

He can't drive in the morning. 1 day off or a ban and possibly hurting someone?

He's out of the house a lot and seems to spend a lot of money if you don't have any spare.

[mysaladdays]

Ooo, dilemma. sowornout has said what I was thinking, the only thing I have to add is a suggestion. Could you get one of those home breathaliser kit things? Have a play around, see how long it takes an ok reading to come back the following day. It might surprise him to know how long he's over the limit for, I think most of us underestimate it. That might curb his drinking, which would stop the night time wees and make him safer on the roads. I know dh would do it out of curiosity, but I know it's an approach not all would be open to!

[Makingmama]

Thank you all. Well managed to get a bit of sleep through my anger with him! He was horrified and very apologetic this morning, I was still furious with him (still am). I told him I would like him to go and stay away for a few days so I can think, but he won't. He's insisting in staying on the sofa and keeping out of my way! What if he had weed on dd??? I think it's been another wake up call...so we'll see.

He did this having drank 5 pints (that's a lot IMO!) He's done it in the past having had 4 pints. Last time this was happening (over 12m+) I tried to get him to get support/help with his drink problem...but he didn't. I'm going to insist he at least books an appointment with GP to discuss this and see if they can refer on or advise. I think he'll go for it this time as I've said I'll think today and if not I'll book dc's and me into a hotel locally if he won't leave the house. (this is if he doesn't see someone).

He isn't driving today now - he was picked up for work and someone else is driving. I think I'll get one of those home breathalisers for future just in case. He has said he won't drink out of the house again, as he manages fine having 1 or 2 drinks at home. I usually have a rule of only drinking on the weekend so only fri/sat nights...which can last for so long, but then if he's had a hard day at work he brings it into mid-week and it starts spiralling again. I think it will need to be ONLY fri/sat for him as he can't 'control' it. And at home it's only ever 1 or 2 cans of lager a night.

I usually have the excuse of lack of £££ for all of this, so as alcohol is expensive this is how I get him to only have a beer at the weekend (normally). And because of this (I think) he goes to friends (2 live on the same street as us) and that way he spends no £ as has their spliff...this I find infuriating, but I really don't know where to go with this?!!

Gah, I hate being like this too but he's just so immature in this respect.

[Makingmama]

I must say since the last 'episodes' over 12m ago, he has declined every invite to go out with friends/work drinking etc. This was more of a pop down to pay a bill (it's a Chinese restaurant with bar in)...and look what happenend?!!!

Will look fo rinfo online re drinking probs for him to read. His mother has bottle of wine (at least) every night, and over a weekend (every weekend) drinks a large bottle of vodka, on top of the wine! The whole family agrees that she has a drinking problem, including my dh (about from the herself). He doesn't seem to think that he can be like that...but I know he could.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Re your comment:-

" usually have a rule of only drinking on the weekend so only fri/sat nights...which can last for so long, but then if he's had a hard day at work he brings it into mid-week and it starts spiralling again. I think it will need to be ONLY fri/sat for him as he can't 'control' it. And at home it's only ever 1 or 2 cans of lager a night".

No, no and no again. Rules are meant to be broken and apart from anything else youcannot police his drinking; it simply does not work. Bargaining like you ahve done does not work either. You are falling head long now into the enabling trap. Also your way madness lies. He cannot do social drinking at all if he is an alcoholic because he has not got that ability to stop. He has now had to use someone else to take him into work; again that person has stepped in to avoid your man seeing the full consequences of his actions.

The 3cs re alcoholism are as follows:-
You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

The last two are very difficult for you to get your head around but you're going to have to in the end. You can only help you and protect your children from his alcoholism.

Do not clear up after him, he must himself clean up his own mess. If you do it you enable him by not making him see the consequences of his actions.

How many people in your immediate circle know he is like this?. Not many I daresay. Alcoholism too thrives on secrecy. It is also what is descibed as a family disease.

You can ultimately only help your own self here; currently he owes money to the pub (albeit a small amount but that is not good either) and drinks at home most evenings. Its not looking good is it?.

You told him on a previous occasion that if he did this again he will have to leave. As this has now happened again you must fully follow through on what you told him before. You have also stated this is not the sort of upbringing you want your children to have.

He does this because he has an alcohol problem. He loves his family but he perhaps now loves drink more. His primary relationship is now with drink.

If he does ultiamtely not want help for his drink problem there is nothing you can do to persuade him otherwise. He has to want to seek help for his own self alone, doing so under any coercion is more often than not doomed to failure.

Do talk to Al-anon; they are helpful to family members of problem drinkers

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Was not a bit surprised frankly to read that his mother drinks to excess as well. Alcoholism can travel down the familial generations as well as being learnt behaviour.

You cannot take ownership of his alcohol problem, he has to want to look at online stuff for himself. If he does not want to that is his choice. You cannot make him seek help if he does not want it and like many alcoholics as well he is likely to be mired in denial as to the extent of his drink problem.

As I stated before you can only help you. You cannot help your man.

Would also suggest you read "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie.

[greeneyed]

Umm may not be a popular view but I think you should possibly cut him a break, working all hours, helping at home, no money, exhausted, declining social invitation, sounds like he needed to cut loose for a few hours (pissing very unfortunate side effect of course!) Obviously don't know the ins and outs of his drinking so whether he has a problem. Think you should talk about things and see what you can work out.

[greeneyed]

P.S reading that back it sounds like I'm minimising the issue which I'm not because I know I would be absolutely furious but life sounds tough at the moment and we are all only human, this is how he's choosing to cope (beer, weed)I hope you can work things out

[PrincessSymbian]

I think from what I have just read here, you can safely say that he has a (controlled, somewhat) drinking problem.

[AlmostAHipster]

This is horrific - I was once married to an alcoholic which was horrendous but the thing that strikes me as odd is that your DH is pissing himself after 'only' 4/5 pints. For someone who drinks regularly, surely he should not be virtually comotose after such an amount. My ex would drink 10+ pints of lager plus however many spirits and would be sick regularly but he never once pissed himself, no matter how much he had to drink.

I guess my question is whether he's lying to you over how much alcohol/weed he consumed or whether he has an underlying medical condition?

Although, if it was me in that situation, I probably wouldn't care - I'd just want him out as I just couldn't tolerate an incontinent man polluting my children's home.

[Yamyoid]

Agree with greeneyed. And I don't think it's fair to try and control some one. Obviously, I do sympathise with you re the pissing thing. I agree that it would be awful for dcs to come downstairs and witness that. Hope you can work things out.

[Wheresmycaffeinedrip]

Agree with what's above. No way is anyone drunk enough in five pints to piss themselves and if hes lying then yes that's even more of an issue than the drinking IMO :(

[Makingmama]

Thank you for your comments. And Attila, thank you for going into so much detail, your posts are very helpful.

No one really knows now, apart from his parenst as last time when we had to get rid of the carpet and then later the sofa I was very angry and told them in the hope to embaress him into being more sensible. They were horrified, but then his own mother's denied drink problem they would probably normalise it. If I told my family they would be disgusted and want us all away from him until he's sorted at least (they would prob be harsher actually!)

I understand greeneyed what you are saying, and I've thought that and gave that excuse for him many times (this has happened on/off since we met over 8 years ago!) However, with the last episode and this most recent one I definitely think he does have a drink/drug problem. He's very dependant on either having a drink/a spliff to relax/de-stress. I have a high stress/busy life and manage without succuming to alcohol/drugs so finding it hard to tolerate now.

I can see how me trying to control it through various means isn't working and won't work. It's very difficult to pull back, but I will. Difficult as I do actually know I will leave if he doesn't sort this out now. I will always put the dc first before everything so I now have to harden up.

I don't know what to do if he doesn't stop drinking on his own accord and he won't leave the house?! We're renting under both our names and I have no family/friends that we could stay with (have 3dc under 5).

When I've tried to keep the drinking to a weekend he alwayas finds ways to drink more often, and always has excuses/reasons enabling him to. It can cause arguments too. Things such as he only has 1 or 2 cans so can't have a problem...that's still 4+ units. Plus he's always so tired (has a physical job) he's often fallen asleep on the sofa - if this wasn't the case I have no doubt that he would drink more.

He is incapable of having an alcohol free night if we go out to a friends etc or if he's played football - he has to have a beer afterwards. It's as though he's completely conditioned to have to have alcohol is every scenario.

I do fear if I leave this totally up to him we would end up in a complete mess. Financially and everthing wise. I don't really know where to go from here...can I say that he stays for now as long as he isn't drinking, or is at least getting some form of help (without me getting it for him?) As I don't think he will leave, I think he knows it will be too hard for him to get back in as he'll need to prove that he's changed. And whilst this is happening I think I need to be looking for alternative accomodation and another job for me...and saving some £££.

[Makingmama]

He also smelt like a brewery this morning Yes I agree he must be lying to me....I'm such a gulible cow!

[Makingmama]

The reason why I've been controlling the alcohol etc is because I know deep down that he would have a full on problem if I didn't. I know he'd have beer the first thing after work until he's unconscious 7 nights a week This isn't going to work long term is it?!

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Makingmama,

You cannot control or police his alcohol intake; it simply does not work and what you have tried to date has also not worked.

He needs to be gone from your house and your day to day lives. He will just drag you all down with him otherwise and he is already doing so.

You need to seek legal advice re the joint tenancy and other matters. You could get him out of the home. You certainly do not want your children exposed to all this longer term either/

This is one of the 3cs re alcoholism:-
You cannot control it
(the other two are you did not cause it and you cannot cure it)

And no, this is not going to work long term either.

Re this part of your comment:-

"can I say that he stays for now as long as he isn't drinking, or is at least getting some form of help (without me getting it for him?)"

Well actually no because of his most recent episode. He is drinking at home most nights as it is. He is patently not interested currently in seeking help. Do not go down that road of getting help for him, that helps nobody.

He is making a choice and he is choosing to put alcohol before you all. His primary relationship is with drink and he is showing no will to change that particular mindset.

You have to get off that merry go around that is alcoholism because you are also playing a role in this as well.

[MaryZed]

Making, you have to stop trying to stop him drinking. You really do. You are hiding the problem from him and therefore not helping him.

He will blame you for "letting him drink" when he drinks, if he is relying on you "stopping him drinking".

You need to sit him down and have a conversation with him where you pass the control and the decisions about his drinking to him. Tell him to go away and have a think about it and decide what he wants to do.

And have a plan in place for you depending on what he decides.

If he decides himself to stop drinking, great, see if you can carry on life happily (though he may be very snarky and blame you for "ruining his life").

If he decides to carry on drinking enough to affect your life and your children's lives adversely, that is his choice, and you need to make decisions for you and your children which may involve asking him to leave.

What you can't do is fix this yourself.

[MaryZed]

Also, you have children. Do you want them to grow up in a house with an alcoholic father?

My children have grown up in a house where they have seen the downside of addiction. They have seen my frantically trying to control things, and failing every time. They have seen violence, and have stood between me and an out of control addict who has been blocked from access to his supply.

Only in my house it wasn't my husband, it was my son . It has been very unfair on my younger children.

[MoaningMingeWhingesAgain]

Attila speaks a lot of sense more coherently than I can.

But the main thing is - he needs to take steps to stop drinking, to clear up his mess, to deal with the consequences of his actions .

If he has to leave - by all means pack a small bag and give him the phone numbers of a couple of B and Bs/hotels, but don't you go, and don't make arrangements for him. He is an adult, he can book a hotel room himself.

You cannot stop him drinking, it is up to him to want to change and to want to do something about it. If he won't, well, you will need to consider your options about the relationship continuing.

[AlmostAHipster]

You are NOT a gullible cow - alcoholics/heavy drinkers lie. It's all part of their problem.

I couldn't get mine out of the house either so I secretly planned my escape and had to do a moonlit flit. It wasn't pleasant but it got me and my children away from a horribly abusive situation.

Honey, he's not going to change just because you want him to, I'm afraid. He needs to want to - sometimes that takes a big shock, sometimes it doesn't happen at all.

[Makingmama]

Well I called him and said I'm no longer taking responsibilty for his drink problem and his inability to not drink. That from now on my only priority is the dc and myself, making sure we're ok and not living in conditions that I don't find acceptable.

I said I'm leaving his habbit /drinking completely to him. He can drink as and when he pleases. I no longer care, and will not talk to him about it at the moment, I want him to leve us alone so he can stand back from us and think about it alone. He can decide what's important.

I said I was going to get legal advice today re having him removed from the house if necessary. He said don't, he will stay away. He did say he realises he has a problem, but we'll see won't we. Whether or not he can take responsibility for it himself.

So I suppose I'll just see how this week goes, keep him away from us for a few days minimum and see what he comes back with after reflecting by himself. Then we'll take it from there. I really hope this snaps him out of it. As far as I'm concerned this has to be the last time as I just will not have the dcs witness this. What if he pees on their toys/teddies etc...on the carpet again or sofa then the dc can't use these things as daddy's weed on them again Thankfully they have never witnessed it yet and they won't.

I won't be giving him any advice/controlling any of his alcohol intake again, and if he doesn't decide to change by himself long term, he won't be keeping his family that's for sure. I'll be putting plans in place for us to be able to leave him long term/permanently if we have to. I really hope it doesn't come to that, but at least it will be easier if I can support the dc better myself.

Thank you again (just hope I stay this strong!)