Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Emotional abuse.....I need help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm sitting realising I'm in a awful situation and I can't get myself ot of it. My partner is an emotional bully, and like everyone in these sort of relationships I thought I could handle it or get him to see the error of his ways, but of course it hasn't worked and he gets angry and threatening over the slightest thing. I don't live with him but he only lives down the road and I just don't seem to be able to move away from him. I have ended it so many times with him but he either becomes threatening or cries and I end up staying with him. I've got to the point were I'm upset most of the time when I cry infront of him he shouts even more tells me I'm pathetic and to stop crying and doesn't undertand why I'm upset. A few weeks ago he lost his temper with me over something I got upset but he just tried to get me to agree with him, so I ignored him, he then slammed his foot on the brake, shouted to answer him and threatened to throw me out of the car. This is just one example of the things I have had to put up with. I tried approaching him when he was in a better mood as to how to diffuse the situation when he got like this, his answer was to listen to him and agree and say sorry. I said but what if I don't agree, he said then wait till I've calmed down and discuss it then, I said but what if you get angry again... he said well I don't know it depends how you approach it. But I obviously realise he's being a bully. He then has a go at me that I don't touch him or anything but then he shows me no affection just aggresion at the moment.
I'm basically in a right state and I need help to move away from him, I'm scared, I'm emotional, I'm in a mess. I always considered myself to be a strong person but I'm obviously pathetic. I'm very much on my own no family near by very few friends, I have 2 children too I owe it to them to be strong and show them this how not to be treated, but I have got so down I just don't know how to handle it, its not doing me any good emotionally, my hair is falling out, I'm crying all the time, I hate myself just don't know were to turn. The worst thing is even though I hate him I love him which hurts even more someone you love making you feel like this. I just don't know how to end it. I start missing him when I do end it and then when he begs to come back with promises I believe him but it never changes. I have noone to turn to and I'm an emotional wreck please help I don't know how the hell I got myself in this situation I am so stupid! :-( :-(
Wow sod this you are awesome!! well done !! and keep strong !!!
That is tough. You're between a rock and a hard place. Determination will see you through it. I had nobody in England. I had to relocate to have any chance of escaping him (i lived with him though). It is tough. I know that. jx
good advice jenna, but not always possible, I have my own business so can't just change numbers and I have NOONE to have the kids it is just me and them. This is why I'm getting help myself such as counselling and the freedom programme. If he continues to harass me or if I feel threatened I will just call the police I have numbers etc for support I am determined and trying my absolute best, but I know I will get down sometimes, so I will probably come back and have a rant or a moan sometimes as it is hard on your own!!!
I read you've told him. Stay strong. Don't be moved by any sob stories.
Change your mobile number, change your landline, change the locks. Send the kids to stay with a friend and get a friend/cousin somebody to move in with you until he gets that you mean business THIS time.
You can do it. Thousands of us on here got away from these nutjobs. You can too.
My x told me i was shit at giving blow jobs. Havent' given one or tried to give one since. fuck that.
Thank you avenue, after going to the group I realised just how much i put up with. I remember once ....this just came to me we were having sex he was getting frustrated as I wasn't doing it right or something and said 'For someone who does Zumba your fucking shit at moving your hips' . I remember how devestated I felt and the last thing I wanted to do was to carry on having sex with him, but you know I think I did just to keep the peace, what an idiot I've been! So many angry outbursts that I ended up in tears but apparently I was being petty and over sensitive!
Funny though how I put up with it until it happened infront of my kids twice within a week, thats when I was woken up with a big kick up the bum. Since he has gone, I have stopped crying, stopped being so snappy with the kids, I am looking forward to life but I too am worrying how I will manage living here on my own. I hate it when forms ask who to contact in an emegency....there is noone or if I was to crash or breakdown or anything like that who would I phone? These are the things I need to work on and the things that worry it is just me and the kids now, but then it was before really, I couldn't rely on him because of his volitile temprement!!!!
I have just read all the thread - well done for keeping strong - what you have done is not easy. Great support from the other posters. Have a great spa and enjoy the circus. I found it was only after quite a long time that I could see just how bad my ex had abused me. Great he is helping himself but as you say he is your past now and it is nothing to do with you now. enjoy the rest of your life.
All excellent news, sodthis! You are a great example. Congrats!
Oh I am out I never lived with him anyway. He wanted to but I just knew it wasn't right, always trust your instinct. I'm just seeking help for myself to keep me strong as I am very isolated, and I don't want for him to start persuading me. I have a few friends but no family and joining the freedom programme has introduced me to other women with something in common and it is making me realise, I wasn't being over sensitive, it was actually abuse! He has booked himself on several couses, anger management, RESPECT as he's determined to change! Which is good he has admitted to people what he has been doing and I really think he is disgusted with himself, but for me there is too much water under the bridge, but if he can sort himself out and manage to be in a healthy relationship with someone one day good for him. Now back to me :-) I have booked a spa weekend with a friend :-) !!!! and I'm taking the kids to the circus at the weekend :-) can't wait and I won't be on eggshells :-) xx
You need to do this, you dont deserve to be treated like this, you CAN leave and you DONT need him.
This is NOT just affecting you, it will affect your children too - they will think this is how relationships should be.
I have listened to a friend telling me how abusive her husband is for years, but despite the damage it has done to her and the children she "doesnt want to leave the house" - I am now exhausted and exasperated by the whole thing.
Get professional help and get out - you are doing the right things, well done, please stick with it.
There are other women on Mumnet who have got out of this situation, please let them help you. I cant even begin to imagine how hard it is but much as its initially difficult it does get better.
What can help you now is solidarity with others who have been in this situation. Read the Lundy book, distract, spend time with friends, treat yourself kindly, post here, phone WA as and when you need. The Freedom programme is a great filip in understanding how abuse functions and giving you strategies to rebuild your self-esteem.
It's not going to be easy, but as lots of the posters have said once you have some real distance from this abusive tosspot then you will realise how strong and resilient you are.
Good luck. And yes change phone nos and anything else you need to keep him out of your physical and mental space.
Evening Sodthis (great name) have a look at this Channel 4 link showing how to get a Domestic Violence Protection Order, assuming you're in the UK.
Keep going, it may get a little emotional in places, but you need to bring yourself back to normal. you need to see what he did to you is wrong so that you can protect yourself in future.
Call the police on 101 and tell them that this man has been abusive in the past, that you have ended it, that you are on the FP and that he STILL won't leave you alone.
Let THEM tell him to
fuck back off.
Don't you EVER entertain the idea of having him back in your life.
It takes YEARS for the abuse to fully manifest, they try to keep the real evilselves hidden, but they never can. He may hide for a while, talk the talk, pretend.
You will NEVER know when and if he will flip, so in some tiny corner of yourself you will be scared.
You don't need to be with someone that frightens you, even a little bit.
There are MILLIONS of decent men out there, you don't need to be with one that is broken. No matter what his excuse.
Well I started the freedom programme today, another way to feel and stay strong. I would recommend it actually for those of you who are maybe wondering if you are experiencing abuse, or if you want to leave, or even like me you have left.
I'm still hearing from him, he's still sorry, still going to do something about it etc. 'whatever'
They DON'T change. Maintain radio silence love!
I've been strong, I haven't replied to his texts other than one that said can I phone you! I replied 'no' Its hard but I've planned my week to keep it busy. I still feel strong. He apparently is going to get help and realises he has a problem but all too little too late for me, I don't want him anywere near me but if he gets the help it may help him in the future to hold jobs down, and maybe eventually have a relationship, but I just can't see it. Never heard of an abusive man changing.
they are not his kids right?
Then change your numbers, and get a block on withheld numbers on the home phone.
Please keep this vile man away from you and your DC. Never, EVER respond to anything he sends you, or it will somehow encourage him to maintain dialogue, in the hope he can get you back into his grasp and remain in control of you.
If he continues to harrass you, call the police.
Thank you for your messages, I have had a lovely weekend with a good friend of mine, I did hear once from him saying he missed me but I ignored him, nothing since. I'm back home now feeling a little down I guess but my children will be home soon and thought we might have a special tea to celebrate our fuure together. I just hope I can stay this strong.
Oh sodthis! You brilliant person, you!
I knew you could change the lock yourself, but had no idea you would grasp the nettle so comprehensively.
You thought absolutely right too, about his crying and contrasting how you - how most people - react to it, and how he reacts when you cry.
So what are your plans now, with your lovely children? Are there things you couldn't do with them when he was around? Like all snuggle up on the sofa watching silly films and eating pizza, and staying there all day simply because that's what you feel like doing so why not?
Well done, sodthis, well done!
Hope you are OK you have been stronger than me, I feel bad about the crying but you are quite right; they don't care when they have bullied someone who loves them into crying! Good luck x
been in a similar situation and just got out. Im sure you are aware this may not be the end of this behaviour from him. how are you tonight? stay strong
well done for changing the lock, you are sounding so much stronger, keep it up!
well he did come round this morning after 11 missed calls and various texts saying 'I'm sorry' 'I love you' . I wouldn't let him in, he was crying and saying how sorry he is that he's booked an appointment with the dr to get some help, that he knows its all his fault. I was strong and said he needs to get help for himself for future relationships, but he had lost me now too little too late, my children are my world and he has gone too far. I told him to leave me alone and NEVER contact me again.
He went to a mutual friend in the same state, said the same thing. I think she did feel sorry for him cos u just do when you see a 6ft guy cry like a baby thats been my footfall in the past. When I cried because he was angry or abusive, he would just get more angry and say 'go on milk it, cry, get as much sympathy as you can, play the victim.' or stop crying and being so pathetic. So when I saw him crying this time I thought about that and I just felt no sympathy at all!!!! I changed the lock myself today, that has made me feel good as I can do things for myself, I knew I could but I kind of forgot!!!!
Congratulations on finding your inner tigress on behalf of your DCs. As you say, this cannot go on, for their sakes. In a surprisingly short while you'll find yourself feeling better too (although that's when you'll probably start missing the good times and asking yourself whether he really was that bad... it's silly, but it's natural, you just need to hold on to the knowledge that yes, he really was that bad).
Only people who've never been in your situation would think you pathetic. The fact is that many, many very strong, intelligent women have found themselves trapped in relationships like this and it's a whole lot harder than it looks to "just say no". The good news is, you've just discovered you are one of the strong ones after all.
Keep going, don't give up. If you take him back he will be back worse than ever. I understand you love him, but try and see him for what he is - a violent bully. You have done the absolute best thing for you and your DC's by getting rid of him, the only way now is upwards. The first couple of weeks are really hard going, is there someone you can talk to IRL, you mentioned a few friends? If not then keep posting, and the thread Hilde was talking of is here
Good luck, chin up, you can do this.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Join the discussion
Please login first.