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Emotional abuse.....I need help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!

(42 Posts)
sodthis Sun 07-Oct-12 20:03:31

I'm sitting realising I'm in a awful situation and I can't get myself ot of it. My partner is an emotional bully, and like everyone in these sort of relationships I thought I could handle it or get him to see the error of his ways, but of course it hasn't worked and he gets angry and threatening over the slightest thing. I don't live with him but he only lives down the road and I just don't seem to be able to move away from him. I have ended it so many times with him but he either becomes threatening or cries and I end up staying with him. I've got to the point were I'm upset most of the time when I cry infront of him he shouts even more tells me I'm pathetic and to stop crying and doesn't undertand why I'm upset. A few weeks ago he lost his temper with me over something I got upset but he just tried to get me to agree with him, so I ignored him, he then slammed his foot on the brake, shouted to answer him and threatened to throw me out of the car. This is just one example of the things I have had to put up with. I tried approaching him when he was in a better mood as to how to diffuse the situation when he got like this, his answer was to listen to him and agree and say sorry. I said but what if I don't agree, he said then wait till I've calmed down and discuss it then, I said but what if you get angry again... he said well I don't know it depends how you approach it. But I obviously realise he's being a bully. He then has a go at me that I don't touch him or anything but then he shows me no affection just aggresion at the moment.

I'm basically in a right state and I need help to move away from him, I'm scared, I'm emotional, I'm in a mess. I always considered myself to be a strong person but I'm obviously pathetic. I'm very much on my own no family near by very few friends, I have 2 children too I owe it to them to be strong and show them this how not to be treated, but I have got so down I just don't know how to handle it, its not doing me any good emotionally, my hair is falling out, I'm crying all the time, I hate myself just don't know were to turn. The worst thing is even though I hate him I love him which hurts even more someone you love making you feel like this. I just don't know how to end it. I start missing him when I do end it and then when he begs to come back with promises I believe him but it never changes. I have noone to turn to and I'm an emotional wreck please help I don't know how the hell I got myself in this situation I am so stupid! :-( :-(

bobthebuddha Sun 07-Oct-12 20:06:56

No, you're NOT stupid, you're in a situation faced by any number of women (my mother was one, she didn't get out). There'll be MNers along any minute to give you sound advice I don't really have. Hang on in there :-))

OneMoreGo Sun 07-Oct-12 20:27:00

I have been in your position and yet I feel at a loss to give advice because I was where you were, got good advice from MNers and still went back a few times before I got out. blush It becomes an addictive cycle where you feel you can't function as a human being without the other person, and yet every time you return to them you give up a little more of your strength, your self.

All I can advise if that you need to think about why you return each time (not just 'I love him' because that's too simplistic and vague), really spend some time reflecting on what it is about the situation that makes you go back each time. Break it down into separate parts. Do you feel valued as a person, as though it's his form of 'love' or nothing? Do you feel like a nobody out of a relationship and need to be in one to feel good about yourself? What?
And then find a way to meet those needs in other ways. Ideally you need friends and/or family around you to give you good support when you leave and keep you strong. But online friends can be amazing as well. Or someone on the other end of the phone. Whatever he is doing for you that keeps you going back, whatever you feel you crave from him - find it elsewhere, and leaving will work. You will be able to stay away.

Then begins the very important work of boosting your self esteem and learning to love yourself again, and of rebuilding what he has torn down. So that you don't walk straight from a relationship with one idiot into another, equally abusive situation.

I wish you the very best of luck because I KNOW how horrible and how hard it can be. You can leave him and stay away. Moving a very long way away geographically if at all possible would be my only other bit of advice. Good luck sweetheart.

HissyByName Sun 07-Oct-12 20:27:57

Sweety, I was there too, I felt stupid, but now oi know I'm not, and neither are you.

You know you've got to end it, and you have that right. You can call Woman's Aid for a RL voice, or Respect too, they're good.

If he threatens you, call the police, report him to everyone and don't ever back down. It really IS as bad as you think it is, and actually it's worse.

We're all here for you, please end it now, we'll help you through this. Stay strong and get free of him forever.

izzyizin Sun 07-Oct-12 20:32:39

This is just one example of the things I have had to put up with Why do you 'have' to put up with it?

He's not your 'partner', you don't live with him, and you don't have dc with him but, for reasons known only to you, you've allowed yourself to become dependent on him.

There is no magic wand and only you can break your destructive habit by saying 'enough is enough, I'm not going to do this any more' - and mean it for the sake of your dc who don't deserve to see their dm 'putting up' with being treated in this manner.

It's time to look outwards and begin to build a network of like-minded friends to occupy your thoughts with matters other than this emotional bully.

Check out www.gingerbread.org.uk to see if they have an active group in your area, and also visit www.womensaid.org.uk to source your local branch and ask if they are running a Freedom programme that you can participate in.

This man is going to make you ill - it's starting already. Will you be in this situation in 2 years time? 5? 10? 20?

If your dc don't know what's going on, they will soon. And they will drift away from you as they get older, because they will resent you for making them live in a sad, scary place and not protecting them. It's very, very hard to forgive that.

You know this. The man you 'love' is a con artist. You fell in love with an act he put on to reel you in. The real 'man' is a bastard.

sodthis Sun 07-Oct-12 20:48:27

Thank you for your advice and understanding. I need to find the strengh from somewhere to move away from it. I know its no good I don't even know why I love him, I've left relationships before why can't I move away from this one. I have tried but obviously not hard enough. I need to have a plan I think, he just looses it if I end it and will come around banging on my door. He scares me, but the stupid pathetic side wants to confide in him try make him change believe he will, but the strog reasonable side knows he won't . I would move up to be next to my family but I hate to disrupt the childrens schools and take them away from their dad, but I have to do something to get myself out of this situation. I need someone to talk to, calm me down, make me believe I can do it!

izzyizin Sun 07-Oct-12 20:57:45

Talk to Women's Aid tomorrow, tell him it's over, and call the police if he comes banging on your door.

It really is that simple and it may be that when you recognise this man for the abject coward he is, you'll finally realise that he has no power to harm you other than that which you give him.

As for 'loving' him, what's to love about a man who fails to enhance your life and whose behaviour falls far short of that which your dc should be exposed to?

Stop helplessly wringing your hands and tearing your hair out. Imagine yourself wringing his neck and get goddam angry that you've allowed a twunt who shows you no respect whatsoever to bring you to this sorry state.

ponygirlcurtis Sun 07-Oct-12 21:12:35

Hey sodthis - I know exactly how you feel. I'm currently trying to get out of a situation and I feel similarly, my hair has fallen out at some points too. I feel that there's an element of addiction in it, I know he's no good for me yet I still want him in my life and miss him (we're married and have a son together, so it's even harder to break away completely).

I'd say don't try and understand why you still love him, you'll go mad that way. Just accept that you do. Despite that, you know he's not a good man, not the man to spend the rest of your life with. Somehow you need to find the strength from somewhere to separate what you want from what's the right thing to do.

Definitely, call or email Women's Aid, Respect - you'll get nothing but support from them. Do you have anyone in real life that you could talk to as well?

sodthis Sun 07-Oct-12 21:21:38

ponygirl, I do I suppose, there's only so much people can say I have to sort this out myself, I know how pathetic I must look so I tend to keep it to myself. I'm trying to work out a plan in my head, he scares me and I just know he can blow at anytime! I need to keep calm and work out in my head how I'm going to do this. I've have ended it so many times and got back he doesn't take me seriously anymore, and each time I've foolishly fallen in love more so now its harder, BUT I know he WILL let me down again, the ting is everyone that knows him thinks he is a fantastic bloke they don't see the guy I do.

izzyizin Sun 07-Oct-12 21:28:57

and each time I've foolishly fallen in love more With what? A man who treats you with contempt? Or with your erroneous beliefs of what love is about?

If he comes banging on your door and doesn't fuck off when you tell him to, the police will see this guy the way you do and maybe others will too.

HissyByName Mon 08-Oct-12 07:06:40

This is your time love, this time you'll make it out.

You are not.a.lost cause, very far from it, this is not something you should feel guilty about.

Can you read WHY DOES HE DO THAT by Lundy Bancroft? It'll help you understand the dynamics.of the situation you are.trying.to get out.of.

Never give up. There is no plan b, ithis.relationship is harmful, and it will only get worse.

This man is doing this.to.you because he wants to, he won't stop doing it.

Nothing.you can do will make him change, as he'd do this to everyone he goes out with.

This.man is broken, toxic, damaged, and nobody can fix him.

He's dangerous to you, to your health.

You can do this, get all the rl help you can, its your right to be free, happy and safe.

sodthis Fri 12-Oct-12 06:20:36

Well I had to call the police last night, it was awful, he keeps harrassing me and smashed stuff up infront of the children, well they were in bed but with the smash and me screaming there was no chance of sleep for the poor mites. I asked him to leave several times, I told him I didn't want to be with him anymore and to leave me alone. That just made him go ito a rage, he started to smash stuff up. flew at me, stopped himself from hitting me but I screamed, I got the phone called the police. He then left before they arrived, he has a key, the police went to visit him to get it off him, but he wouldn't answer the door or answer his phone. I double locked my door and left key in also put bar across, noone knows were he is, but he is still sending me texts saying 'I love' 'I'm sorry'. He phoned me on a private number so I didn't know it was him. I told him to leave me alone, this behaviour was not acceptable. He said' what behaviour ripping up a few cards'. The police said to log everything and they spoke to him whilst here as he tried to phone me. They told him to leave me alone and not to contact me again, he agreed but he still did.

I work for myself at home and had clients tomorrow, I have cancelled them my place is a mess I haven't slept, and I can't be sure he won't turn up and cause a scene. My children are safely tucked up in bed but they were crying and hugging me that didn't stop him carrying on, I have emotionally damaged them by being with this man, well no more. This is the 2nd time infront of the kids, they are my world and I'm here to protect them so I have to stay strong. I am going councelling myself next week to keep me strong and work on myself so I NEVER let this happen again.

I am scared of dealing with all this on my own but these things make us stronger I guess. I just had to rant somewere as its too early to text anyone yet ! What will today hold for me :-(

minmooch Fri 12-Oct-12 06:32:46

Today is the start of the rest of your life. Yesterday he pushed it too far and now you know it has to stop.

Now is the time to keep strong and keep this man away from your children. If he turns up at your house call the police immediately.

Good luck and well done.

HissyByName Fri 12-Oct-12 07:34:36

Today has more hope than yesterday, stay strong, don't ever let him back.

This is the freedom you so desperately need.

He's not sorry.

tzella Fri 12-Oct-12 07:42:20

Keep going!

Speak to the police again. If he is carrying in as 'normal' today (going to work etc) it'll be easier for them to find him, get your key back and have a stern chat about leaving you the fuck alone. Don't worry about calling them again. You need this sorted and its their job.

Good luck thanks

Jux Fri 12-Oct-12 09:28:08

Don't call him, don't answer his calls, don't open the door to him. Do you have a spy hole on your door? If not, can you see who is at the door from a window? At least ask who it is before you open it. If it's him, call the police. Don't tell him you're doing it, just call them and tell them he's there.

I would change the locks, just in case. That way you can be absolutely certain that he doesn't have a key.

Good luck. Keep posting.

hildebrandisgettinghappier Fri 12-Oct-12 09:49:25

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Keep going, don't give up. If you take him back he will be back worse than ever. I understand you love him, but try and see him for what he is - a violent bully. You have done the absolute best thing for you and your DC's by getting rid of him, the only way now is upwards. The first couple of weeks are really hard going, is there someone you can talk to IRL, you mentioned a few friends? If not then keep posting, and the thread Hilde was talking of is here
Good luck, chin up, you can do this.

Anniegetyourgun Fri 12-Oct-12 15:17:37

Congratulations on finding your inner tigress on behalf of your DCs. As you say, this cannot go on, for their sakes. In a surprisingly short while you'll find yourself feeling better too (although that's when you'll probably start missing the good times and asking yourself whether he really was that bad... it's silly, but it's natural, you just need to hold on to the knowledge that yes, he really was that bad).

Only people who've never been in your situation would think you pathetic. The fact is that many, many very strong, intelligent women have found themselves trapped in relationships like this and it's a whole lot harder than it looks to "just say no". The good news is, you've just discovered you are one of the strong ones after all.

sodthis Fri 12-Oct-12 16:20:42

well he did come round this morning after 11 missed calls and various texts saying 'I'm sorry' 'I love you' . I wouldn't let him in, he was crying and saying how sorry he is that he's booked an appointment with the dr to get some help, that he knows its all his fault. I was strong and said he needs to get help for himself for future relationships, but he had lost me now too little too late, my children are my world and he has gone too far. I told him to leave me alone and NEVER contact me again.

He went to a mutual friend in the same state, said the same thing. I think she did feel sorry for him cos u just do when you see a 6ft guy cry like a baby thats been my footfall in the past. When I cried because he was angry or abusive, he would just get more angry and say 'go on milk it, cry, get as much sympathy as you can, play the victim.' or stop crying and being so pathetic. So when I saw him crying this time I thought about that and I just felt no sympathy at all!!!! I changed the lock myself today, that has made me feel good as I can do things for myself, I knew I could but I kind of forgot!!!!

cheesestrung Fri 12-Oct-12 21:36:15

Hi,
been in a similar situation and just got out. Im sure you are aware this may not be the end of this behaviour from him. how are you tonight? stay strong
well done for changing the lock, you are sounding so much stronger, keep it up!

Ponyofdoom Fri 12-Oct-12 21:45:57

Hope you are OK you have been stronger than me, I feel bad about the crying but you are quite right; they don't care when they have bullied someone who loves them into crying! Good luck x

Jux Fri 12-Oct-12 23:34:49

Oh sodthis! You brilliant person, you!

I knew you could change the lock yourself, but had no idea you would grasp the nettle so comprehensively.

You thought absolutely right too, about his crying and contrasting how you - how most people - react to it, and how he reacts when you cry.

So what are your plans now, with your lovely children? Are there things you couldn't do with them when he was around? Like all snuggle up on the sofa watching silly films and eating pizza, and staying there all day simply because that's what you feel like doing so why not?

Well done, sodthis, well done!

sodthis Sun 14-Oct-12 13:40:18

Thank you for your messages, I have had a lovely weekend with a good friend of mine, I did hear once from him saying he missed me but I ignored him, nothing since. I'm back home now feeling a little down I guess but my children will be home soon and thought we might have a special tea to celebrate our fuure together. I just hope I can stay this strong.

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