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Any other women have no male friends? do you know why this is?

(67 Posts)
LizLemon007 Sat 06-Oct-12 17:59:30

there some women who have lots of male friends... why is that? I'm clearly not one of them. I have brothers, I went to a mixed school, I'm neither nervous around men, nor am I flirtatious or girly. I've no interest in sport though. I'm not beautiful but I'm not unattractive either. It's always been like this. I have lots of female friends. That's easy.

I'm a single parent, and I am seeing somebody at the moment, but although he's a lovely man and I'm a lovely woman smile I don't think our friendship is as strong as the friendships I have with my female friends. We are attracted to each other and respect each other and like each other.

I've always got on well with my friends' husbands, my x's friends, friends borhters etc.. so I am friendly with men but that's it. I guess at work I was friendly with some male colleagues but again, it was never a proper friendship. Why?

Some people say their partner was their friend first. That's what I'd really like, the kidn of easy companionship in a relationship that you get when your bf is your friend.

Tell me what sort of woman has lots of male friends. Are you one? did you marry a male friend? In which case, does that mean that all mixed sex friendships hinge on one party being attracted to the other anyway?

I do notice that beautiful /particularly attractive women would have a lot of male friends.

Bubblegum78 Sat 06-Oct-12 19:57:14

I'm in no way amazingly attractive (passable IMO) but I have honestly found that almost every boy/man I became friends with wanted more than friendship.
I just got fed up in the end and stuck to female friends.
I do have male colleagues who I am friends with in a round about way, but again, they expressed more than a platonic interest so I was put in a position where I had to make myself clear and now it's fine.
I have never found men more honest than women TBH?
Women either like you or they don't, whereas men pretend to be friends but have hidden agendas ahem.
My hubby isn't particularly insecure but he has admitted he does feel threatened by other men ocassionally. Luckily he doesn't make a big deal out of it or be difficult with me.
I do find now though that what male friends I do have usually bring their relationship problems to me. Lol. x

Tressy Sat 06-Oct-12 20:24:29

Bubblegum, same here. The only male friend I had that lasted any length of time before he wanted more was someone who was very unattractive to look at. I enjoyed his company for quite a while but eventually it went the same way.

I even had a male friend who was gay, even he turned a bit one night grin.

Tressy Sat 06-Oct-12 20:28:10

I remember saying this on here years ago that 'men don't spend much time with women they don't fancy', got told I was ridiculous. Mine you mnet has changed a bit since then.

Adversecamber Sat 06-Oct-12 20:47:01

I look every inch a teeny tiny woman but I like sport and was always quite tomboyish especially as a child. I like men as mates and have a couple of really good male friends , I find men annoying once they become lovers.

ErikNorseman Sat 06-Oct-12 21:31:45

I don't have any male friends. I have brothers who fulfil my 'male company' need and I do get on well with stbxh and we are 'friends'. Otherwise the only male friend I have had (proper friend rather than uni mate type) was a housemate and that's why we were very comfortable together and didn't fancy each other. I don't even see him anymore.
I like women's company more tbh. I'm happy to socialise with partners of friends but they aren't real friends to me. It doesn't bother me a bit!

ErikNorseman Sat 06-Oct-12 21:36:51

I agree with dragon. When I used to work with varied men, any who were interested in me as a friend always seemed to end up in a compromising position at some point. I have worked in a female dominated professional for 8 years and was married for 6 anyway so I don't really know if that applies as much in your 30s as it did in my 20s.

riverboat Sat 06-Oct-12 21:49:05

I have a lot of gay male friends...I think this comes down to a combination of random good friends from school turning out to be gay, and also the fact that I worked for quite a while within an industry wherein the vast majority of men were gay.

In terms of straight male friends, mine fall into three categories: partners of my female friends, guys who I was friends with at school (though actually there's just one guy I would still count as a good friend in this category) and male colleagues/ex-colleagues who I also socialise with in certain friendship groups.

But I wouldn't say I have any really close straight male friends. Close gay male friends, yes. Straight male friends who I socialise with, yes, but I'm not really close to any of them. It's quite interesting now I come to think about it.

Casting a mental eye over my female friends, those who have a lot of good, straight male friends generally share a hobby/profession with them - two that spring to mind with male friend entourages are a friend who's really into her local football team, and another who's into gaming.

Dragonwoman Sat 06-Oct-12 22:02:47

I did have a close male friend who stuck around - reader, I married him! But again that confirms my theory that close male/female platonic friendships don't exist I'm afraid. wink

Bubblegum78 Sat 06-Oct-12 22:26:03

Me too Dragon, I met my hubby at work! :-)

RobynRidingHood Sat 06-Oct-12 22:38:41

The majority of my friends are male. I went to an all girls school. Women are (massive generalisation) bitchy, spitful, untrustworthy, bullying conrol freaks. I don't mix with them if I can avoid it - unless they are like me and view most other women the same way. I would point out I do not find any of my male friends in anyway sexually attractive - and most of their partners are boring, vacuous, bitching, spiteful gossips who you would never give a confidence to.

I have pseudo relationships with woman, but I don't trust them nor confide in them.

Men are much more simplistic in relationships. My husband was and is still my best friend, my equal and my lover. Even if he does play golf grin

Tearoses Sat 06-Oct-12 22:39:29

Do you have brothers - or sisters?

I find girls with brothers tend to have more male friends, myself included.

LizLemon007 Sat 06-Oct-12 23:05:52

I have brothers. no male friends though!!

LizLemon007 Sat 06-Oct-12 23:13:37

I went to a mixed school too.

RobynRidingHood, that is a really sad post. What age are you? you project on to all women the attributes of a few school girls? And you have 'pseudo' relationships with women shock

BertieBotts Sat 06-Oct-12 23:26:41

I have no brothers but have male friends grin

(Well actually I do have one but he is about 15 years younger than me, so doesn't really count in the learning-how-to-interact-with-males thing)

LizLemon007 Sat 06-Oct-12 23:30:17

Maybe when you're married it's easier. when you're single, I think men fear/expect it's not a friendly thing...

SmellsLikeTeenStrop Sat 06-Oct-12 23:38:11

I have mainly female friends. Now that I have DCs, most of my friends are other mums that I've met through school and at toddler groups, and tbh most of their husbands are right bloody twits. Mr 'I'm going to play on my x-box the minute I get home from work and ignore my wife and DCS'. Mr ''I'm a 40 odd year old and have tantrums if I don't get my own way. Mr ''I spent my paternity leave indulging in my favourite hobby and didn't lift a finger to help my wife with the new baby' oh and how can I forget Mr ''buys expensive computer items but begrudges his wife a new pair of winter boots when her old ones are falling apart'.

There is no way I could be friends with such selfish and entitled twunts. It's all I can do to be civil to them.

Tressy Sat 06-Oct-12 23:46:25

I have a brother and get on well with him but there are things I would never open up to him.

Also think it's sad that some posters don't like their fellow females. I have great female friends that I've known a long time. We don't live in each others pockets but will always be there for each other.

Dryjuice25 Sun 07-Oct-12 01:51:35

I find that women around my circles ime don't like me around their husbands or maybe its just me. Or the male friends were hoping for sex!!!!!

LizLemon007 Sun 07-Oct-12 09:31:51

~Smellsliketeenstrop, I hear you... i put up with all of that crap and more before i left. and I only left because of the extent of it. I know if it hadn't been as bad i'd still be there so I'm GLAD now that it was as bad as it was.

there are a lot of selfish fhaters/husbands out there. and it's very very rare that I envy any of my married friends their relationship. I think I have one friend who I think 'she has a really good marriage with a decent man and they are friends too''.

TheKettle Sun 07-Oct-12 09:51:48

Gosh this topic has really made me think about my attitudes to men. And I'm not comfortable with what I've discovered shock.

I haven't got any male friends now. When I was young I did have male friends but it turned out that they fancied me and weren't actually friends. They were just trying their luck but in what I saw as a predatory way - trying to trick me into thinking they really cared about me as a friend when they just wanted to shag me... I should add that was 30 years ago, and I do think that things have changed now and it's easier for two people of the opposite sex to be genuine platonic friends.

I am very much a girls' girl and love the company of women. I'm saddened by the comments from posters who don't like other women. The women in my life - both friends and my mum, grandma, aunts, cousins, have always provided tremendous support and brought great happiness over the years.

Now for the bad things that I've realised since reading the thread....

I think I'm guilty of objectifying men to a large degree, as I see males as sexual partners rather than friends material. I've never stayed in touch with any exes after the relationship ended. I never saw the point if we were no longer shagging. It wouldn't occur to me to seek male friends. I have to say that I don't like this mindset. If a man told me the same thing about women I would think he was vile. Perhaps I think this way because of those bad experiences with predatory males when I was young. Also it may be a generational thing? (Not meaning to offend anyone of my age group who has positive platonic relationships with males.)

Anyway thanks for starting this topic. It's given me a lot to think about and maybe I should now be more open to a friendship with a man although I'm not sure where to find one!

LizLemon007 Sun 07-Oct-12 09:58:45

Same here TheKettle, and what prompted this thread is that somebody recently told me that my next 'venture out there' (dating /relationships) should be with a man who was a friend first. His actual advice was 'marry your best friend' but maybe that is advice that only works given to a man. It doesn't sound like bad advice but................. confused It made me question a few things.

I know there are men out there who are good company and I am questioning why it is that other women have male friends. I don't want to make it seem like having a man for a friend is an achievement per se! as perhaps the reason I have no male friends is that I have high expectations from friends? like you the women in my life have been a great support and are great company too!

SeveredEdMcDunnough Sun 07-Oct-12 10:19:14

See I really don't understand my close male friend in the light of this.

He doesn't seem to have any sort of agenda - he is afraid to be intimate with me as it implies something more than what we have, I suppose. But he is very sweet with me and keen to spend time together. He just doesn't want anyone to think I'm his girlfriend - maybe he is a bit ashamed of me? I don't know.
I often feel like I'm his 'other half' as we are so comfortable together, sitting around, he lets me sit watching him work at the computer and doesn't mind this - consults me on purchases - we do DIY projects together etc.
And there is a physical closeness too, but now it doesn't go beyond a touch here and there or a kiss on the cheek.

It is almost like he is my brother or something.
I miss him when I don't see him, he seems to miss me too.

But he isn't just hoping for sex iyswim - we have tried that, and though it was nice, it made it complicated. I don't think he's gay either.

Charbon Sun 07-Oct-12 11:56:00

How about turning this on its head and asking why you're defining the sex of the new friends you'd like Liz? In other words, what extra qualities do you think a man would bring to the party, that a woman could not?

People are just people after all.

I too find it sad that some women find female friendship difficult, but I think for those who do, it's worth some introspection. If you regard women as competition for men's attention, harder to manipulate, or as a whole sex characterised by a set of faults, then it's not surprising that some other women will sense that and back away.

Similarly if you regard men in general as being providers of sexual ego boosts, easier to manipulate, or unable to relate to women without a sexual agenda, then you're potentially missing out on some very good male friends, while only befriending those who reduce you to your sexuality, are somewhat stupid, who like keeping secrets from their female partners and enjoy your collusion with that.

LesleyPumpshaft Sun 07-Oct-12 14:22:58

It's funny, because I used to be a right tomboy and have mostly male friends in my late teens to late 20's. As I approached my 30's I noticed that I had less and less patience for most men. I now find a majority of men to be very annoying and prefer female company. I think a few bad experiences with men and discovering feminism was a big factor! I also suspect DS's dad hasn't helped my feelings towards the male gender.

I met DP at work, so we were never friends. Tbh as far as I'm concerned my partner doesn't have to be my friend. It's a totally different relationship. I don't have sexy intercourse with my friends. grin

Mumsyblouse Sun 07-Oct-12 14:36:24

Perhaps some of you are thinking about this the wrong way around: many men don't seem to have close friendships of the emotional depth/strength of some female-female friendships. In other words, in research, men have less friends in general, and the depth of the friendship is different (may be based on hobbies/topics rather than life/emotions).

This is a massive-generalization, and I do have male friends who I have been emotionally close to, but I've found that a) they don't need an infinite amount of these and so when they have settled down, they have tended to drop this emotional side and b) they tend to open up to friendships when their relationships are in difficulties. The exception to this is male-female friendships based on hobbies or shared interests, my husband has several of these, he also has a few female friends who lean on him occasionally, but in matters of emotional stress, he would rather cut off his right arm than phone a male or female friend and chat about it. If we have problems, he tends to tell no-one. I don't think he's unusual and it fits with the research.

So, wondering about why you haven't got lots of good but platonic male friends is probably the wrong way to view it. Unless you meet a lot of men, or have a hobby in common, men's natural tendency to have fewer deep friendships, plus the social taboos around this make it relatively rare.

I also think that many of the people describing their male friendships on here explain exactly why they can be problematic: they sound like relationships (there's a sexual or companionship element) or they are with married guys who keep it a secret (there's some secretive, risky element which makes the friendship fun). Not many people have written about their really close but totally straightforward not sexual ever open with their partner friendships, that's because they are quite rare.

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