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How to tell friend I'm not buying her a birthday gift?

(27 Posts)
theladylovescupcakes Sat 06-Oct-12 08:38:33

Meet this friend on a weekly basis for coffee/lunch. Less if I can help it. She's very self absorbed, chat is all one sided. She doesn't ask about me and what's going on in my life, just what she's doing, and her latest catastrophe (her Next order not coming on time, for example). I'm planning to gently back off from her, as I'm getting absolutely nothing from her. I was a big support to her when she had a crisis earlier in the year, and I know that if I were in a similar position she wouldn't reciprocate, nor would I want her to.

Anyway, it's her birthday next month and I don't want to buy her a gift. We're not close, and I want to be backing off. How do I tell her? And in a nice way?

hackneyzoo Sat 06-Oct-12 08:41:09

Why do you need to tell her? Of you want to back off anyway , just let her birthday pass without marking it.

hackneyzoo Sat 06-Oct-12 08:41:52

If not of. Stupid iPhone

TheHeirOfSlytherin Sat 06-Oct-12 08:42:33

Don't tell her, just don't do it. If she says anything (which would be rude of her) tell her you didn't think she wanted one.

Zara1984 Sat 06-Oct-12 08:42:39

Why do you have to tell her you're not getting a gift? Just don't buy her one and arrange to see her less often/never. If you happen to see/speak to her on her birthday, simply say "happy birthday" and that's that.

If she gets upset that you didn't get her a present (what is she, 6?) then she is clearly a loon and you're better off being well shot of her.

Save your dosh for coffee and cake with better pals smile

adrastea Sat 06-Oct-12 08:44:21

Why do you feel the need to tell her? Just don't buy a gift.

theladylovescupcakes Sat 06-Oct-12 08:47:45

Feel the need to tell her I suppose partly because she'll be expecting one, and also since my birthday is 2 weeks after hers, and I wouldn't want her to buy me a gift when I didn't get her one. Wanted to give her a heads up. And also don't want to hurt her feelings! She's a very melodramatic person and shell be hurt I would think.

LondonKitty Sat 06-Oct-12 08:48:00

Yes, I completely agree with hackneyzoo. You don't need to make a thing of it - indeed, why would you? Just let it pass by.

And stop meeting her for coffee/ lunch once a week - it's not doing either of you any favours. Can't be that hard. I struggle to find time to meet the people I do want to see, not to mind anyone I wouldn't want to spend time with. Just say you're busy.

Hyperballad Sat 06-Oct-12 08:48:27

Yes, why do you need to tell her? Her birthday comes and goes, and you send her a card perhaps?

Or if you are worried, get her a present this time because then you have a full year to have wound down the friendship before the next one!

MardyBra Sat 06-Oct-12 08:49:56

Have you bought each other gifts in th past? If so, it would be odd to stop without saying anything. In the past, I've mutually agreed with my siblings, for example, that we drop gifts and just do cards. Would that be an option?

Hyperballad Sat 06-Oct-12 08:50:47

Well if you don't want to hurt her feelings then buy her something. It's up to her whether she wants to give you a gift or not. Why are you worried about all this stuff, it really shouldn't be a worry.

Flojo1979 Sat 06-Oct-12 08:51:36

Just send her a card, or be busy on that day. Doesn't matter if she's already got u something, she sounds like the kind of person who wouldn't give it u anyway.
U shouldn't buy her a present based on getting one back!

TheCountessOlenska Sat 06-Oct-12 08:54:12

I only buy birthday present for very close/old friends (if that, in fact BF and I decided years ago not to bother and just go for drink instead). Do adults really need birthday presents from acquaintances??

Did she get you one? In that case I can see it would be a bit awkward but I would just get her a card, and begin the phasing out!

Zara1984 Sat 06-Oct-12 08:54:29

She sounds like an eejit OP, she'll be offended whether you buy her a gift or not, have coffee with her less often, or make some off-the-cuff remark that she blows way out of proportion!

Life is way too short to voluntarily deal with drama queens.

No gift. Say you're busy and can't meet up
with her. Then ignore or meet only once every few months.

theladylovescupcakes Sat 06-Oct-12 08:55:07

Yes we've bought gifts the last couple of years. We used to be a three, and we met every week, but our other friend moved away, and the friend that's still here didn't send her a gift, whereas I did. Perhaps that would be a good comeback if she mentions it. I know I'm over thinking it, that because I know she will be too! Thanks for your replies.

ErikNorseman Sat 06-Oct-12 09:31:06

Once a week is far too often to meet someone you don't like much. I don't see my real friends that often. However I think refusing to get her a gift would be seen as a big gesture (though it isn't) and it might be better to get her a token gift and back off at the same time.

OrangeImperialGoldBlether Sat 06-Oct-12 16:27:33

OP, if your birthday was next week and hers was in a few months' time, do you think she'd get you something?

theladylovescupcakes Sat 06-Oct-12 18:26:37

Orange, yes I think she probably would.

LouMacca Sat 06-Oct-12 19:44:22

Why on earth are you meeting someone you don't like once a week?

Really OP life is too short. Cool it off with her and spend your time with people you do like and who appreciate and reciprocate your friendship.

VeritableSmorgasbord Sat 06-Oct-12 19:46:14

You have a friend you do not like.
This is strange to me.
I suppose I don't have time to meet the people I do like more than once every 6 weeks or so!
So I don't undernstand this at all

Casmama Sat 06-Oct-12 19:56:20

How about telling her that as a family you are tightening your belts for Xmas so you hope she doesn't mind but you don't want to do presents for each others birthdays. Then get quite busy and ease away.

I would just say:

"Look Tina, as you know our birthdays are coming up, and lets stop this present malarkey. I am cutting back, and will no longer be buying birthday presents for adults, please dont buy one for me either as it would make it awkward for me. "
Followed by a friendly smile.

x post

picnicbasketcase Sat 06-Oct-12 19:58:53

Meet up, stand majestically on a chair on one foot, point dramatically at her and shout 'YOU WON'T BE GETTING FACK ALL OUT OF ME, YOU SLAAAAG.'

Or, just don't mention it and back off quietly.

AViewfromtheFridge Sat 06-Oct-12 20:04:13

You're actually in a good position - as your birthday is after hers, even if she has bought you something, she doesn't have to give it to you. Unless she gives it anyway... I would probably go for Casmama/ Quintessential's plan. Even though it will be an awkward conversation, it'll be less awkward than the lunch/ meetup during which you know she will be expecting a present and you know you haven't got one!

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