He's just been to a nude lap dancing bar :(

[RunnyBum]

H just back from nude lap dancing bar, he has been on stag dos before and he knows I hate it. I'm gutted, he says I should forget this one "mistake" as he (allegedly) didn't has a private dance as he knows I would hate that. He claims he was just curious (inspite having been before and knowing all about it!!) Being in front of a naked woman that isnt me, for kicks just feels like cheating on some level. Oh and he wasn't on a stag tonight just out with a friend.

Found out as I Where's My Iphone'd him as he was meant to just be in our town, and I thought he'd be heading home.

We're meant to be going away on a romantic break in a few weeks, but a the minute I don't want him near me :(

How would u deal with this?

[NewNames]

I wouldn't like it at all. But give it a few days.

Explain why you hate it so much (and think of better reasons than 'it feels like he's cheated on me', because he hasn't) and communicate your disgust.

But, I would move on from it.

[NewNames]

Sorry that was a rubbish answer. Give it a bump in the morning when the wise people are about.

I suspect most will pick up on you using the Find My IPhone app and wonder why you've been doing that, whether you trust him, is this an ongoing thing etc.

[Casmama]

I agree with new names, at what point was a "where are you" text insufficient and "where's my iPhone" the way to go? Does he have previous that makes you not trust him?

[deleted203]

I'm really sorry you are so sad. I honestly don't think I would be that bothered if it was my DH (can't imagine he would want to, though). However, that is not the point, IMO. The point is he knew that this would make you unhappy and that you would hate it, and yet he went ahead anyway. That is showing no concern whatsoever for your feelings. Being 'curious' about things does not give him the right to do something knew would be a serious kick in the teeth to you. I think I would perhaps take this line in a conversation with him. Suppose you went out for the night with a male friend, didn't come home all night and crashed on his sofa. You wouldn't have cheated. But would your DH be happy about it?

[RunnyBum]

No we've always been readers of each others texts Etc (in a nosy way) and I just wondered which pub he was in, in our town as I was bored at home and deciding whether to wait up or go to sleep - nothing more sinister!

[izzyizin]

Depending on whether it was his bright idea or his friend's to visit a lap dancing joint, he's either a ram or a sheep and there's not a great deal of difference in terms of iq levels.

As for him not enjoying having a private 'dance' while he's sat in a chair, shame the iphone app didn't send back photos of her boobs mashed in his face his exact location.

How would I deal with it? Make it clear to him that I'd revised my respect for him downwards and wait to see if he can build it up again. FWIW, as life is far too short to waste time on tossers, I wouldn't wait very long before blowing him out if he can't/won't step up to the plate.

Tell him that curiousity killed the cat and if he can't curb his, the next kerb he'll see will be the one you'll kick him to.

[ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmm]

Gotta love izzy's replies lol

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Having been to a lap-dancing bar myself once, I found it unsexy, unexciting & disappointing. The dancers looked bored. The (mostly male) audience looked slightly embarrassed, very quiet and concentrated on their drinks. I've also been to a few 'Full Monty' type evenings with a female audience watching male strippers and those, by contrast, are a riot. Lots of good-natured laughter, 'phwoaaars' and yells of 'gerremoff!!!!'.

So the answer to how I would deal with this is to commiserate my partner on having had a fairly dull evening....

[Strawhatpirate]

Not sure what he was curious about tbh, haven't strip clubs been around since the dawn of time? If it was my dh in questio I would be making it very cleas that I wasn't going to 'forget' about until we had some very long srs chats and provided an answer as to wtf he was doing. Good luck op hope you feel better soon.

[MadAboutHotChoc]

FFS, he went because he was "curious"? Is he a teenager?

He can do a lot better than that. Tell him you want a real man not a boy.

[DinosaursOnASpaceship]

It wouldn't be acceptable to me. Years ago I left my husband and got divorced because he had been to a lap dancing club. He knew that would be my reaction and how much I detested them and went anyway. I left as soon as he got back with the dc. Gone was my lovely husband, all I could see was a letchy perv on front of me. He knew my boundaries and he crossed the line. Lots of people would say that I over reacted but he (and partners since) have always known its a deal breaker for me.

[SimplyTes]

I loathe the thought of DH at a strip club, he has been in the past and it would probably be a deal breaker if he did it in the future. Seems even more seedy when you are so much older with kids.

[Figgygal]

I honestly wouldn't give two monkeys it's a one off, it was a stag do it's not like he's round there every week spending your money on dances.

[MajorB]

Why don't you tell him that tonight you're going out. You're going to go to a club, buy a fit bloke a couple of drinks, rub up against him on the dance floor and then take the guy to a quiet corner and get him to strip off so you can see his six pack, and the curve of his penis in his pants to give you something to masturbate over later.

Also tell him that you're going to do all of this in front of your friends, whose partners/husbands are his friends, so they'll all know you like to get your kicks from other men, because clearly he isn't enough for you.

Then ask him "That's ok isn't it? Because I'm just curious."

He'll either get how awful his behaviour has been, and that he's completely destroyed his "forsaking all others" vow, or he'll be happy for you to go for it, and you'll know he either wants a much more open marriage, or is looking for a way out.

[MajorB]

Figgygal it was not a stag do, he was just out with a mate.

[LittleBairn]

It really wouldn't matter to me who had the idea to visit, he's a grown man who makes his on choices in life and should shoulder the responsibility for them.
Does he know that you view visiting these places as cheating?

Personally I find it cheating, DH is well aware of it ( has zero desire to visit such a place) and that he would be packing his bags f he did visit.
But if you have allowed it before then it would be unfair now to be upset about it. Allowing it once even for stag dos sets a precedent.

[Figgygal]

My apologies it wasn't a stag do but I still wouldn't care other than over the likely waste of money getting in and the over inflated drinks prices.

[BillyBollyBandy]

See, it's not the fact of the naked ladies that bothers me so much, it is the attitude that a man must have towards women that they can be bought for his sexual enjoyment. That's what I would hate.

I think going on a stag do is bad enough, lovely way to celebrate spending the rest of your life with someone, but on a night out with a mate just seems seedy.

Well it is all seedy, but that even more so.

[MajorB]

Figgy just out of curiosity, would you mind your DP going if you knew your daughter/friend/aunt/goddaughter worked there?

[hmc]

Agree Billy - the attitude this reveals towards women upsets me too

[hzgreen]

izzyizin and majorb, great responses!
Some people would be ok with this others not so much, the point is OP you need to decide where your own line is.

I wouldn't stand for it for many reasons but mainly because I would find my DH less attractive if he were that type of person. I think I would be so blindsided and utterly disappointed in him it would take me a long time to get past it, if at all. And if he were this unapologetic about it I would be. Seriously questioning if we're still compatible on a basic level.

If you're the type of person that is ok with this then great but if not there is nothing wrong with feeling hurt, upset and deeply offended by his behaviour. This shouldn't be news to your DH if he knows you at all.

[Februarytwotimes]

I'd be very surprised if this was the only time tbh.

It would bother me, it did when ex H did it but I don't think it's a deal breaker.

[ceeveebee]

It wouldn't bother me at all. Means nothing. But then my DH would tell me when he got home (has always done so after previous stag dos /lads nights out) and he hasn't been on one of them for a few years.

I would never dream of using find my iphone to track him down, however you try to explain it there is clearly an underlying trust issue there.

[zippey]

Both women and men can go to strip clubs. Its a legitimate activity and can be good fun. But if its a deal breaker for you then, not much you can do about it now except talk to him.

[Offred]

Glad I'm not the only one who considers this a deal breaker. I've been abused and bullied often for my "infamous" statement that I'd rather my dh had an affair than went to a strip club because going to a strip club shows a level of comfort with the abuse/ownership of women whereas having an affair would be about feelings for someone else.

I don't think it matters whether you op should feel like me or figgygal or anything in between. What matters is only how you do feel about it. Those are feelings you are entitled to feel - if you feel it is cheating that is a valid feeling (not mine but I can see why) and I don't think people should get to tell you where your boundaries are in a relationship.