Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Does anyone understand my difficulty?

(32 Posts)
SeemsSOstraighforward Fri 05-Oct-12 19:45:30

Have name changed.

I don't even like my dh, let alone love him. We've effectively been house sharers for years. I haven't had sex with him for 2 years, yet we sleep in the same bed each night. This came about because he betrayed me in a way that I couldn't, and still can't come to terms with (it wasn't an ow but fundamentally showed me that I could never be a priority for him). I also don't like the way he parents our children (6, 8 and 10) and has on a couple of occasions done things I believe to be dangerous and/or damaging mentally.

There as 2 reasons that I don't ask him to leave. 1. Unless I was prepared to go the whole hog and say that I didn't want him to have contact with the children and why, he would see the dc at weekends. I don't trust him with their well being. 2. Financially our lives, and therefore the lives of the children, would change completely.

So for the last two years it has seemed better to stay with him, where I can keep a close eye on him, and give the children the upbringing that they have become used to.

But that's not sustainable long term really, is it? I confided in a friend the other week about how awful my marriage was (I am belittled and put down constantly, and the children are at best tolerated) and he was astonished and angry that I didn't leave, and hadn't left years ago.

But by staying in the marriage I can keep the children safe and give them all the love and attention that they need. I couldn't guarantee that if we divorced.

I've deliberately been non-specific about much of this because, if I were to leave and contest my dh having any contact with the children, the result would be very very public and have long lasting consequences that might damage the dc further. But I'm slowly being eroded as a person, and I believe my middle child who is pretty perceptive, is beginning to realise that her parents have a rather strained relationship.

Gay40 Fri 05-Oct-12 22:23:32

It's all very well keeping the constant of school but it's really not the biggest priority.
As for not having time.....please.

OldGreyWiffleTest Fri 05-Oct-12 23:01:58

gay40 - OP said that every minute of their lives is managed. You don't know who she is, and you have no right to say what you did.

There is more than one way of being trapped.

VerityClinch Sat 06-Oct-12 07:20:02

SeesmSO, I just PM'd you, I think I can help re shit hot family law solicitor

Gay40 Sat 06-Oct-12 11:48:36

If you post your story on a public forum, then you are going to get a variety of different opinions. So I have every right to express my opinion.
I would not be putting scheduling as a priority over my children's wellbeing. It's not really an acceptable excuse.

MaBaya Sat 06-Oct-12 12:06:03

I can understand how confusing and depressing this has all got for you. You sound ground down and like you feel utterly trapped. But you are NOT trapped. Contact Womens Aid. See a solicitor. Your situation sounds so unhappy and ultimately damaging for you and your children. You need to take a deep breath and get some good advice. Be strong. You can do this.

SeemsSOstraighforward Sat 06-Oct-12 17:19:15

Thank you for your views and advice. I appreciate some of you think I should just make the move and that the dc will definitely be better off as they will be in a loving home. Whilst that may be true, I would prefer to come up with a plan that may take a little longer, but will give a greater chance that their emotional well being is protected.

Some of you may well be strong than me, but when you've been in a situation for many many years where someone else has made all the decisions it's not that easy to start making decisions alone. Particularly life changing ones.

VerityClinch, thank you for the message. I will act on it. It's a complicated situation.

foolonthehill Sat 06-Oct-12 21:29:29

Took me 3 months from decision to action. It's quite a good idea to get those ducks in a line whilst you can. After the show down it's hard to think straight and make decisions, better if you've made them already.

I hope you find your way through seems so. All the best./

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now