Social compatability of partners

[Ladyfoxglove]

Hello everyone, I'm new to mumsnet and I have such a dilema I don't know what to do. I am getting on a bit (40) and have been with my boyfriend (40) for 18 months now. We knew each other when we were little at school and met up again through mutual friends at a school reunion. My dilema is that although I care for him very much and he is a decent man (although he did lie about being separated from his wife when we met), I feel like there's a social void between us. We have very little in common beyond old school friends and teachers. He's very much a home bird, works in the local huge factory, has an enormous number of friends and enjoys the simple life of pub/dog walks/children. He is struggling financially so I pay for most things and because he feels bad about this, won't cooperate if I suggest a holiday abroad or weekend trip. I feel like Im' being suffocated as we do the same thing week in week out. Before I met him I went abroad twice a year, had several weekends away during the year and loved to try new things. I used to travel a lot for my work but have now settled locally so that hasn't helped. I just feel like we are from two different worlds. My dilema is that I've just found out I'm pregant. He doesn't know yet as I've been contemplating ending things but I feel like a whitch for even thinking like that. It's just that I don't think I can stand another night in front of X Factor with a tray of mash and gravy - however lovingly he's cooked it! Sorry for the mega post.

[ThreeEdgedSword]

Do you live together? IME that can have a massive impact on how much you get to do just for yourself.

If you travelled lots before you were together, why did that just stop? Couldn't you still have the odd (or not so odd) holiday abroad or weekend away, even if it is without him? You're a grown woman, there's no law that says you can't do these things because he doesn't want to. Independence is important, as is continuing to have your own life.

It's not wrong for you to think about these things in relation to your pregnancy, I can only imagine how difficult this must be. Was the pregnancy unplanned, or had you talked about children?

Having different backgrounds, attitudes and preferences aren't necessarily a death sentence for a relationship, but you do have to put your happiness first. If you make yourself miserable to be with him, then he'll pick up on it and get miserable too.

I hope you manage to work all this out.

All the best.

[catwomanlikesmeatballs]

If you want to holiday abroad, book the tickets and drag him along, he's only refusing because he feels embarrassed about being poor and having nothing to contribute, turn it around so that he'll feel bad for not going with you, he'll be secretly happy about it.

[hoopieghirl]

My partner and I don't live together through choice !! We are very different people in so many ways but seem to compliment each other. Think long and hard what you want and fallow your heart .

[Jossysgiants]

Do you love him Op? You say you care for him very much but that is not the same. You need to be fair to him as well as to yourself.

[Opentooffers]

All those things that you did before you met him are the same things that are important to keep up in a relationship. Never a good idea to give up the things you enjoy for someone. You perhaps would be less bothered if you hadn't stopped doing them. Where you go from here is up to you, depends how you feel about the pregnancy and how you see the future turning out for the best. I wish you luck

[DameFanny]

He lied to you about being separated and you find him boring...

I don't think there's much future.

Have the baby, be glad the father's a half-decent chap, but you only get one life and you need to live it.

[Ladyfoxglove]

Thanks everyone for comments & suggestions. I really feel torn atm. To answer questions, no, we dont live together but he would love to but Ive done it twice with other partners & hated every minute. Im very quiet & bookish but drawn to outgoing men. I stopped travelling because my elderly parents became ill & subsequently died, then I had a major operation & had to slow down for my health. Pregnancy wasnt planned as boyfriend had a vasectomy as he was very clear that with two children he wouldnt start the baby track again. I love his two children (12 & 15) as if they were my own but sadly, i dont think i love him any more. He struggles to parent responsibly (thankfully his ex wife is very good) and lives hand to mouth in an almost survivalist mode. He's always in some kind of trouble whether its being suspended from work, buying dodgy property abroad & having it repossessed or being unable to pay his bills. I feel very wary of having him in my life permanently. very depressed atm.

[DameFannyGallopsAtaGhost]

You've answered your own question really haven't you?

Think of the baby as being your next big adventure - you can do it on your own you'll be fine :-)

[Lueji]

Yes, it goes beyond social compatibility.

It is sad, but you know the answer.

[Jossysgiants]

Perhaps if you can separate the pregnancy and the relationship in your mind it will make it easier for you to make your way forward. You seem to have a great deal of clarity about your feelings re the relationship and you must trust that. I am sorry you feel depressed -you may feel better when you are no longer in a limbo.

[izzyizin]

This isn't about 'social' incompatibiility. This is about incompability full stop.

If you stay in this relationship, this man will become an albatross around your neck and that's one cross you shouldn't contemplate bearing for the sake of any future dc.

You say he's had a vasectomy? Are you certain you're pg?

[Ladyfoxglove]

Izzyizin - very accurate summation. thanks. I think what i feel is pity, regret, longing, fear and frustration. I also feel ashamed for feeling & thinking the way I do but the warning bells Ive ignored in the past are ringing once again.
Ive taken a preg test. Ill do another tomorrow. Thanks everyone.

[Dryjuice25]

I feel for you but this guy sounds so so boring and complacent I'd be bored to death .....

[izzyizin]

Being bored to death is a long, slow, process that kills the soul before it kills the body. I'd rather go quickly by heart attack caused by an excess of intense excitement

If you are pg are you planning to tell him? If so, given that you don't live together and he's had a vasectomy, what do you think his reaction is likely to be when he finds out he needs to be snipped again?

[Heleninahandcart]

Pregnancy and seeing your future does sometimes bring things into focus. This man already a drain on you. Putting it bluntly, he is boring a simple soul and you have lived a bit and presumably would like to continue to do so. Better to be single and have a life.

[Ladyfoxglove]

OK, done another test- not pregnant. I know Im prob too old but still. So sad. going to the dr Mon for a blood test so i know for certain. Think my bf would be upset & worried tbh. Ixxyizin thanks for making me laugh. I dont know the details of his vasectomy, just that before we slept together he said he'd been done. He's a man of few words.