Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
ZOMBIE THREAD ALERT: This thread hasn't been posted on for a while.
If we split, how do i leave with 3 kids and no money(20 Posts)
I know im in a really shit situation financially, i basically have nothing, i will give the facts and anyone who know how i would go about leaving please help me as ive no idea where i would start, i hope it doesnt come to this but i think it will eventually.
i have 3 children, one from previous marriage age 6 (now divorced) and 2 with my current boyfriend 3 and 1, weve been together 5 years, i dont work as once i had my son it just wasnt worth the childcare to go back part time where i was, he owns the house, car etc, we dont have joint bank accounts, he pays me through his business weekly for shopping etc but this would stop instantly, he would also insist i move out. I have no savings, the small amount of money from my divorce has been spent on house and general living.
So basically i have nothing except me, 3kids, 1 dog and our clothes and a hoover and few bits i have bought over the last 3 years.
HOW would i make the move?? i would not go into a homeless shelter thing with my kids, my parents have no room nor does anyone i know.
could i start applying for housing benefit and if i can find someone who would rent a house and accecpt dss be able to set it all up still living here and then move straight out into it or would i need him to write to them saying hes kicking me out as he wont do that either, its me thats unhappy?
If I was working how would that change my options (i would not be able to earn enough to actually pay rent and everything or would i get help with this?
im very new to this situation never claimed anything in my life so i need advice
funnily enough a big part of why this relationship is just not working is to do with money, how sads that.
I have done alot of research on this as i am in a similar position though still working.
Have a look at this site www.turn2us.entitledto.co.uk/entitlementcalculator.aspx
You can put in various scenarios and it will show what help you will get.
he will have a duty to pay maintenance for his DC and contrinue to house them ec. that is your starting point. speak to a solicitor
I second a free half an hour session with a solicitor. He has a duty to support and house your children. You will also have rights to a share of the home even though your name is not on the mortgage.
If you end up leaving the marital home with the children and decide to rent one thing that may be a financial biggy is raising the deposit for a private rental; you will usually have to pay a month's worth of rent as a deposit, a month up front and possibly agency fees. Most councils offer a deposit loan scheme to people who cannot afford a deposit and need one. Go on your local council's website and have a look, or give them a call. They will probably have a Homelessness Prevention Team who will be able to advise you on this and other things too.
if you not married - you call him boyfriend- the matter of your rights to the house is different. your children yes but not you. its complex. get advice.
As you're not married and you're not named on the mortgage/deeds to his house, you won't necessarily be entitled to any share of it.
However, you've said your 'divorce money' has been spent on 'house and general living'. If you've put money into improving his house, it may be that a solicitor can negotiate some repayment over and above what you would ordinarily be entited to which amounts to little more than child support.
May I ask why you want to leave him?
thanks for the advice everyone, thats really helpful.
izzy some of the reasons that make me feel i want to leave him and start again on my own are, his lack of respect, lack of trust with financial matters, he earns a very good wage yet its all top secret from me, were not allowed to spend any money on the house, kids me etc yet he spends hundreds/thousands on his motorbikes every year, hes very insulting, uncaring, I dont like the way he tries to disipline my eldest daughter, and hes been violent to me many times in the past.... he sees me struggleing with money trying to do all the food/clothes shopping, kids activites, birthday presents/ partys and paying off a holiday he agreed we should book and now ive had to put the whole thing on my credit card etc and i have to ask for more money and it obviously pains him to have to give me any, he threw £100 at me this morning because the kids want to go to a circus thats in town and i said i didnt have enough as i have to buy all my daughters b'day presents this week. he just makes me feel so worthless, yet i know im not and i can do better than this. Obviously im really down today, sometimes hes lovely and always has enough money to go out for a meal and drinks if we get a babysitter but this just pisses me off, i have no voice in this relationship he is in charge of absoloutly everything, i do love him but its like banging my head against a brick wall.
He's been violent to you, is horrible to your daughter and you love him?
ooh goodness that doesnt paint a good picture does it!! the funny thing is people on the outside think hes the most helpful, generous person, but on the inside i think hes tight and quite mean.
He's worse than tight and mean he's downright abusive. He keeps hold of the money precisely to keep you trapped and believing you have no alternatives. No it isn't a good picture, it's a nightmare. 'Sometimes lovely' .... what the heck does that mean? For the sake of your kids, your self-respect and your future, you should reconsider the refuge option.
cogitoergo is right. neverlookback he is abusive and you would do well to contact Women's Aid or other domestic violence organisation and they will be able to help. Financial abuse is a bona fide reason to seek their support - not to mention the other things you mention.
Keep chatting here, I think a few alarm bells will start ringing. Have a read of the links on the EA thread and see if any of that rings true too.
Thinking of you.
As Anastasia and Cogito say. Women's Aid should be your next port of call.
Are you getting maintenance for your first child?
He has a duty to provide for your joint children. If you put them in childcare and if you were free to work, waht would it cost. He is liable to pay half that amount plus housing, food and clothing costs.
Speak to a solicitor.
Linky on financial abuse
If he's violent to you as well...you definitely need to make an exit.
"hes been violent to me many times in the past2
blimey - you need exits plans a b and c including a refuge should he be violent again...also he is likely to be violent if/when you do leave...speak to womens aid for advice on safety planning exit planning
dont forget you can dial 999 any time day or night for police help...
thanks ladies, the last time he was violent around 6 months ago i almost ripped his balls off!!! i think i made sure he got the message that if he ever flipped like that ever again that i would leave! and before that he hadnt done it for 18 months, this isnt the main reason that im considering ending it all, its just the feeling of not being equal in the relationship and having no say in anything at all, my opinions dont count, he is in charge of everything even tho he wont admit it, ive tried to talk to him many times to explain my feelings but he just doesnt get it, he feels threatened that when i say id like us to jointly own the house or have joint accounts or god forbid get married he thinks im going to try and take half of everything (like his first wife) he has issues from the past!
im gonna have a look at that financial abuse thingy now thanks
Even though you stood up to him when he was violent, that doesn't make it right that he got violent in the first place. He's therefore physically abusive, financially abusive, doesn't trust the mother of his children with a wedding ring & thinks your opinions don't count for anything so is emotionally abusive.... If he has 'issues' pack his bags and point him to a psychiatrist, don't stick around being his favourite victim.
Why won't you consider a shelter? It's the quickest route into social housing, you go to top of the list!
Who gets the child benefit?
good luck OP... you sounds like you're really strong, and i reckon you'll get things sorted asap. just wanted to wish you luck with everything...xx
There are no shelters near here, i really dont want to have to move out of the village where i live as i obviously wont have a car anymore and i dont want to have to change my daughters school, my kids would be heartbroken if we split up especially out ds who is almost 4 and his daddy is the best person in the world to him, i just need to find out all my options so i dont feel so trapped and useless , I used to have my own house, car, good job, tons of mates!!! now i have pretty much nothing, still have some good mates but dont get to see them like I used to!
I get the child benefit, and in regards to maintainance for my dd1 the claim is just going through because he hasnt paid a penny since she started school!
thanks vickles xxx
Join the discussion
Please login first.