Pregnant and feeling unsexy - paranoid about partner&women from work

[DueinFeb]

I am half way through pregnancy and have a large bump. It was an unplanned pregnancy and prior to the stick turning blue our relationship was full of wine and cocktails and fun and sex and revealing clothes! It was fantastic!! My partner is unbelievably excited and supportive of baby but... I can't wear what I used to, we can't swing from the chandeliers like we used to and we obviously can't have sexy very very boozy nights out/in like we did. We also used to have quite erm... 'aggressive' sex that I am now too scared to do in case anything happens to the baby.

I am also stuck at home at the moment due to lack of work and he has a new job where he is the only man in an office with about 7 or 8 women. He tells me they are all old and married with children - but I am still very paranoid and feel like the frumpy boring ball and chain he comes home to. They asked him out for tonight which he of course is welcome to do (would never tell him what to do) but he declined and is taking me out instead - as I said he is lovely - in his words "They said we should all go out and get pissed!" I can't compete with anyone in this state and while I know I am prob being really silly it bothers me and worries me. My partner and I met at work. He is incredibly sexy and intelligent and women were always after him in the office - I saw with my own eyes. He comes home and tells me about his day and says 'Sarah said bla bla and Tanya says Bla bla and then Lindsey said this. and I just feel wretched! I don't know what my Q is really - how can I still be sexy when I look like I ate a watermelon?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

It's not a competition. You need loving reassurance from your partner and you also need to boost your self-esteem beyond the shallow kind of thinking that the only thing that makes someone loveable is 'sexiness'.

[DueinFeb]

I usually have great self esteem, and I am aware that he loves me and that there are lots of facets to being 'lovable'. I am just at the moment concerned that our relationship is not what it was - my body is not what it was - and I am just feeling a tad worried. He is wonderful and reassuring but surely other women feel the shock of being suddenly water buffalo like.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

If your relationship (sex-life?) is not what it was, talk to your partner and explain that you're having a crisis of confidence. Tell him that you're sensitive to comments about other women, about not being able to swing from the chandeliers and all the rest. Be the assertive mother-to-be rather than trying to be the cool partner or whatever it is you're attempting at the moment. But stop, for goodness sake, staring at yourself in the mirror and think that just because you're pregnantly rounded, you're somehow a lesser person than you were before.

[arthurfowlersallotment]

I can only speak for myself here, but as a normally placid woman not prone to jealousy or rage, pregnancy turned me into an utter gobshite.

I had a go at DP (among other things) for eating my chocolate, giving said chocolate away to colleagues, going to the pub, not going to the pub, working with women, having an ex with similar hair to mine, texting a female friend...

I totally blamed my self esteem issues and insecurity on hormones and getting fatter by the hour day.

I'm almost back to my old self now though..

[DueinFeb]

thanks cogito I think I am probably still trying to be the cool partner and having a little identity crisis. I think the fact I wasn't 'ready' to let go of that stage of our relationship has a lot to do with it.
arthurfowler ha ha ha! that is exactly what I am becoming - it is awful! I don't want to be the crazy jealous partner (i am not a jealous person usually!) but I have become very silly about it all. To be really really honest - I think my partner is almost enjoying it!!

[Donkeysdontridebicycles]

Hello OP, you say this was an unplanned pregnancy, sometimes conception out of the blue can be a shock and you might worry you feel a bit ambivalent about the whole experience. It's such a life change, even when your DP is supportive and excited you are the one undergoing a physical change. Do you think you can voice your concerns to your DP? It's perhaps not so much that you don't trust him, more that you somehow don't feel you're able to measure up to how you were. I'm sure he doesn't see you as a frumpy partner or a water buffalo, whatever your hormones or baby tiredness would have you believe.

[arthurfowlersallotment]

Well IMO being pregnant can cause a massive identity crisis for some people. It did for me. And then when I became a mother it was ramped up a few gears :o

The MNetters over in pregnancy and parenting were absolutely fantastic when I was having a meltdown or two.

OP, your partner sounds very understanding and lovely. I'm sure he isn't expecting bedroom gymnastics- and by the time you get to the final weeks, just tying your shoe laces is a feat in itself never mind the karma sutra..

Congratulations by the way

[littlepiggie]

Do you talk to him about how you feel? I'm 8w with dc3, normally I eat healthy, gym addict, generally busy life, and was quite happy with my body. Due to feeling grim with the usual pg stuff I'm eating loads, not always healthy, and become very good friends with my sofa. I feel like a fat mess put blunt, have accused dp of wanting to be with someone that isn't a pg, but he just keeps putting my mind at ease, I get upset, he tells me I look amazing, you get the idea. You might find he really likes your pg body.

[DueinFeb]

Yes Donkey I think it's the unplanned thing that is perhaps the most difficult. Don't get me wrong - I am very happy I am having a baby! I guess I just thought him and I would have at least another year of 'fun' - holidays, cocktails (shallow? yes. But these are the only things I lived for). Now it's a huge shift. I have had lots of very serious relationships with serious partners and something I was loving with this partner was our real sense of fun together and adventures!! and quite refreshing sex! (I have known him for 7 years so it's not like I am having a baby with a stranger - but I sure was enjoying our adventure!) Now everything has shifted slightly and I am having more trouble than him in letting go I think.

Arthur that's hilarious. I am really very aware I am being silly.
Another thing is that since I met him in 05 he has always been in pursuit of me and gone on and on about my bottom - for example. Now he has got me and that lovely bottom (according to him) is expanding at an alarming rate (according to me). It is definitely an identity crisis I am having. It might be shallow to be concerned over 'sexiness' but in that case I am shallow, hear me roar.

[DueinFeb]

littlepiggie LOVE the name. Yes I talk to him all the time about it and I know he doesn't see what I see. He tells me I am not fat "You're skinny with a baby strapped to your front" etc. He couldn't be more reassuring and says all the right things. But every day I sit on the sofa watching Housewives of Orange County and he gets to go off and spend the day with an array of women who have slim little thighs and flat stomachs - I imagine!! (I am desperately trying to get work so I can get out of this cycle). Like tonight it's FRIDAY night!!?? Friday night! woohooo. That means putting on a little black dress and heels and having a few bottles of vino out in town or a sexy night in. Alas - Friday night now means I shall be wearing stretchy leggings and a vest and warm jumper with a bottle of milk and some cornflakes for tea. Hardly the same is it!?

[DueinFeb]

Thanks for listening anyway to my silly post- feel extra silly now. But glad I am not the only one having a little meltdown. I have metaphorically slapped myself round the face and I am going to get dressed (shock horror) and make a real effort and look forward to a night out tonight. I might even put my sexy boots on while they still zip up over my cankles.

[likeatonneofbricks]

OP, it's only a few months to go and after you have your ds/dd, you should be able to drop off the weight gradually and go back your normal bottom size. My ex-SIL became a complete pear, huge bottom, when pg (been slim before) and it was hard to believe she could lose that much weight, but she did in about a year and a half after birth as she took up exercise and jogging. If you ve ben generally fit it won't be difficult.
Other than that, I'm sure it's all in your head as your P sounds very loving and open and excited about the change. It;s not like you can't hire a babysitter with kids and still have a w/end away with him now and then.
Remeber that the sexual bond you created over time is very strong, and he hasn't got it with anyone else. To me it's obv he's very in love with you. 7yrs is a good time to test loyalty. Plus, he is welcoming the changes, how long can you live for cocktails tbh!

[likeatonneofbricks]

OP - he spends time with lithe women? I don't think so, he said himself they aer older and married - they had chaildren (plural) so hardly going to be in better shape than you, very few women have flat stomachs anyway, especially older or any age after dc. You make it sound like you aer forever going to be pg - you'll get your body back more or less, don't worry.

[DueinFeb]

likeatonneofbricks ahh - what a lovely lovely post. Cheers How long can you live for cocktails? Till the day I die - I was hoping he he.

[SnowWide]

FWIW, you will now be 'desirable' in a very different way to your partner. You may feel frumpy, nauseous, irritable but to him, you will be the gorgeous woman carrying his child. He will keep looking at you with amazement and tenderness in his eyes, and trust me, he wont want to stop looking...

Its some primitive instinct, I guess. Men wont be able to articulate it. And I dont want to sound twee, but seriously, dont feel jealous. Of course, all that adoration can sometimes make you heave. I know I wanted to bite his head off at one point...

[likeatonneofbricks]

you just sound sweet, and a bit like a big kid yourself, i.e. up for fun so much! You can be a fun Mum too, you know!
well, you can get back to cocktails later, just would need to go for qualty rather than quantity after having dc!

[Donkeysdontridebicycles]

By the sound of it you have a loving partner, you're halfway through your pregnancy and becoming parents doesn't mean waving goodbye to sex, cocktails, holidays, you can enjoy those things again. You may not feel like you're blooming right now but beyond twenty four weeks lots of pregnant women feel fabulous.

[littlepiggie]

Milk in no way compares to a bottle of wine (or3) but it does get better, my other 2 are 5+6, so with a lot of work had my body back, just with a few war wounds. Could drink wine and have rough sex (its coz of the rough sex and wine I'm pg again)

[DueinFeb]

littlepiggie ha ha ha!!
likeatonneofbricks I am a massive kid (30 yrs old) you are right.
I have returned home from the pub with partner unable to have my thimble allowance of wine (heartburn) with aching cankles and hips that feel they might fall off, dressed up in black dress and boots. Fell onto the sofa and admitted defeat to other half. The jig is up - I am no longer who I once was. After a few tears I basically told him everything I said in OP. I said I was having a real real problem letting go of old life. He was very very sweet. Very understanding and I think everything will get better if I just relax and accept that I am pregnant! He said that soon itll be November - then it'll be Christmas and then it'll be January and then it'll be Shit! Baby is here. He then said I can go out with my best friend and drink so many cocktails I fall through the door and vomit and that'll be ok with him! nice.
Thanks all for your lovely supportive messages - love to you all.
Multi pack of Dimes, tea and Corrie - ah, actually, I could get used to this.

[dondon33]

Hi Due, congrats on your PG
As you can see you're definitely not alone in your hormonal feelings.
Being pregnant doesn't have to stop you from enjoying life still (granted, without cocktails is pants) Sex can still be fun too, you just need to find the comfy positions ;) make him do the work
He sounds like he's an understanding guy and he's right it'll soon be time for your LO to arrive and you can start to feel yourself again albeit a more tired version where your sexy clothes and the chandeliers will still be waiting for you.
Take care x

[SheppySheepdog]

This was me on my first pregnancy! It's a massive crisis of identity and confidence!

Your life is changing and that is frightening but you can kick and scream and fight against it or you can accept it gracefully and just go with the flow.

The bond between you two will deepen so much over the next few months you won't recognise the relationship and yes, you will be pregnant for a few more months but you will get your figure back afterwards - I've got two dc but you can't tell by looking at me and I still indulge in a cocktail and a small dress now and then too.

He sounds lovely, please don't worry about your relationship, there isnt anything you can change so you just have to let it happen. Congratulations!

[SheppySheepdog]

Meant about the pregnancy situation and the changes it brings at the end there, not the relationship btw.

[DueinFeb]

thank you everyone - It is really nice to know other people understand and that I am not being selfish/silly. I am slowly trying to embrace this new stage of life/our relationship and I am doing much better - talking it through really helped and I couldnt ask for a more supportive man. I am really looking forward to when the baby arrives and I can get semi-back to normal. I am also working on still maintaining my own life/identity and not just being 'the moany pregnant one". Thanks once again for being so lovely.