Deal breakers and deal sealers in relationships?

[OneMoreChap]

Before you start/started a relationship, do you discuss what your deal breakers are?

Should you have done so?

I never have, but I suppose they would have been things about children and their raising. If we had children, I wouldn't have wanted them raised in a strong religious background; I wouldn't have wanted them sent away to a boarding school. They weren't, in any case.

What would yours have been/were they?

Politics?
Religion?
Porn?
Violence?
Alcohol?

How would you feel about your partner laying out what they expect of you before a relationship?

[MiggleMoo]

My husband and I discusssed this at the begining of our relationship and we both agreed Drugs, Excess Alcohol, Violence, Cheating and Lieing were deal breakers.

Clinchers were Trust, Children, Honesty, Respect and Openess.

Everything else falls into middle ground! Worked well for us!

[mrsfuzzy]

sounds like a good balance to me, i think it best to discuss these important issues, because not saying anything and then hoping for the best may not have the desired outcome.

[tzella]

Politics? - not sure I'd get along with anyone whose politics were vastly different to mine in the first place...
Religion? - yes, a deal breaker. My ex was religious (and foreign) and the differences were insurmountable and we ended up in a Bad Person/religious differences spiral of doom that ended our relationship.
Porn? - tricky. Ideally, I'd prefer someone with no real interest in it. I have no real interest in it and it's definitely the type of thing that ideally I'd like us to be in precisely the same place about.
Violence? - oh, absolute deal breaker. Stupid bloody question.
Alcohol? - I like boozing but I wouldn't want anyone who boozed more than me

[OneMoreChap]

tzella religion was my key one.
Politics? I'd gone out with all sorts of lefties and righties.

Have you ever specified beforehand = and will you do so in future?

Violence never occurred to me as "boys don't hit girls" but evidently some men disagree.

[chipsandmushypeas]

From a lot of posts I've read on here, I really think if marriage is very important to someone they should discuss it sooner rather than later.

[tzella]

No one should hit anyone

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

The one and only time I've discussed a deal-breaker it was a complete disaster. The issue was 'smoking' - can't abide it in any shape or form. Having heard my opinion, prospective boyfriend (totally off his own initiative) promptly gave up before trying to win me over. The reason it was a disaster was because he felt he had only done it 'for me'. If we ever argued, he would smoke just to piss me off. If he wanted a cigarette I would be cast as the bad guy, spoiling his enjoyment.

So I don't discuss deal-breakers any more for that reason. I don't want anyone to change their opinon/religion/attitudes just to please me because I sure as hell am not going to do the same thing in reverse. I certainly don't want them being secretive about their true feeings. I try to get to know people, try to find out who they really are and judge whether I can live with that.

[tzella]

I guess people don't often get into relationships when there are initial dealbreakers... The key is to spot them when they raise their heads and turn into Red Flags.

[seeker]

Well, I would always expect to be friends with someone before starting a relationship with them, and therefore we would have found out whether our political/religious differences/similarities were manageable. And I wouldn't what to be friends with someone who was violent, drank a lot more than me or was OK with porn.

There are things which are deal breakers once you become parents, but once again, ideally you don't want to become a parent with somebody until you've known them long enough to know how they feel about discipline, education and so on.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I think people do get into that situation all the time, actually. In the first flush of romance a lot of people are far too keen to let things go, employ the benefit of the doubt and..... biggest mistake of all.... think they can change someone for the better with their love.

[OneMoreChap]

seeker I think the issue may be that you don't know if someone is violent occasionally or uses porn in secret.

it's suggested by some that you should openly discuss dealbreakers; like Cogito I think folk let things go, or don't pick things up...

[Tamoo]

Some of those things are easy to bring up in casual conversation (politics, religion) so are easy to address at an early stage. Others (porn, violence), not so much. Unless he is particularly anti-porn a man is unlikely to discuss it until you're already quite involved and the relationship would have probably become sexual/intimate before the subject comes up, and even then he might not readily tell you about his porn use.

There are also dealbreakers that you might not have considered until they come up and you suddenly think, "uh-oh." I had this once, met a man through online dating (he was in his 40s) and he told me his last relationship was with a 17 yr old girl. I was taken aback by the age difference and the subsequent story of how they'd got together confirmed the fact that this was not a man I wanted to be with, because our morals and principles were completely different.

[crosscupcake]

Smoking/alcohol/drugs
selfishness/spoiled brat behaviour
violence/agression
work ethic
financial attitude
maturity
Consideration/flexibility
kids/child rearing/discipline

hmmm i am a fussy begger.

BUT 19 years on, 12 years married we are on the same wave length still.
Well matched, similar views.
We rub along nicely really.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

It's the word 'discuss'. I think it's wise to discuss practical things like attitudes to shared finances or housework if you're thinking about setting up home with someone. But I don't think you 'discuss' deal-breakers by their very nature. A deal-breaker is something that, once you are aware of it, the relationship is over. The porn thing is a case in point. If, on your first date, you were mention 'I hate porn' and your companion says 'oh yes, so do I'... this can either mean they genuinely agree with you or they are making a mental note 'never let new girlfriend see the jazz mag stash'.

It's not black/white.

[Bunbaker]

Deal breakers:

Dishonesty
Drugs
Too much alcohol
Violence
Smoking
Selfishness
Not pulling weight around the house and for childcare
Being a sports fan to the extent of being a football widow/golf widow/other sport widow every weekend
Lack of personal hygiene
Lack of respect
Porn

Deal sealers:
Honesty
Love
Respect
Helpful with chores and childcare
Not being too possessive
Generousity

[OneMoreChap]

CogitoErgoSometimes
But I don't think you 'discuss' deal-breakers by their very nature. A deal-breaker is something that, once you are aware of it, the relationship is over.

This.
Would you really say if you ever do x, y or z, it's all over?

I don't think people do, if I'm honest.
I suspect most of us think things will be Ok, and don't set conditions on our love.

[MiggleMoo]

I agree with that Cognito, when I said we discussed it it wasn't in the terms of 'deal breakers' we just had a open honest discussion one evening about what our hopes and fears would be for a long term relationship/ marriage. It was early on in the relationship but we had both come from very difficult relationships so it was a reflection more than anything else, but it seemed to be a real turning point in our relationship from 'dating' to 'couple'.

[OneMoreChap]

Bunbaker and crosscupcake did you discuss these before your relationships and if so what dealbreakers did DP bring to the table?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"Would you really say if you ever do x, y or z, it's all over?"

I said I never discuss deal-breakers. I don't threaten therefore, I simply test the waters, get to know someone and if I discover they are doing x, y or z then I drop them.

Case in point is the recently divorced boyfriend that, on visiting my home in an expensive part of town, suddenly went from lukewarm to very enthusiastic, started asking how much it was worth, talking about moving in and practically measuring for curtains. He wasn't to know that a deal-breaker for me is 'goldigging cocklodger'.... :) but he was out of the door.

[crosscupcake]

We actually didnt discuss these things.
BUT had a friendship prior to relationship.
Relationship over a 7 year period before commiting to marriage.
I got to know him completely and he got to know me too within that time.

And yes, if these things were not compatible with my standards, it would have been the end of that.
It isnt just one thing, its a combination of things that are deal breakers i find.

Unfortunately i have learned from others mistakes, appauling relationships and tolerant women...not for me i decided from a very very young age.

[OneMoreChap]

Sorry, Cogito I agree with you... I don't see how others discuss this. TBH, I think I wouldn't necessarily know a deal breaker till I discovered it.

Like you, I suspect I develop an ear/eye for things that make people unsuitable.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Maybe if the deal-breaker was something so unusual that a regular person couldn't possibly know that it was important and it was unlikely to crop up in conversation .... maybe then you might possibly be justified in saying 'I couldn't tolerate being in a relationship with someone that wasn't 100% committed to nudism/macrame/creationism/etc' at the outset. Save everyone a lot of time. But otherwise, no.

[crosscupcake]

Yup i defo had an ear/eye for these things. Just a gut feeling if the person is right for me or not.

I am fussy though.
But then you hear all the time about people with soul mates shitting on them froma great huge height...unexpectedly and out of the blue.
SO for that reason i am not smug, i know it can all go tits up in an instant, you never know what is coming for you around the corner.

But then im pretty hard faced an meh about these things. I love my dh, but would rather be alone than put up with shit.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

We sound similar crosscupcake. I suppose our umbrella 'dealbreaker' that we might state up front is 'we don't put up with shit'... that leaves it nicely open to interpretation as to what 'shit' might look like :)

[crosscupcake]

Indeed cognito, i agree.

Spose my influences are my own parents and my pil.
Terrible marriages, creating misery and bad feeling and utter desolation and depression...for years and years and years and years until death parted them.

Why? Just why?
One person can smear such shitness into another persons life if they are allowed to. Really..why?
(NOT talking about domestic abuse here either before i am pounced on)