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massive aggument with wife...what to do?

(87 Posts)
lightning02 Thu 04-Oct-12 15:03:07

My wife an I had a massive argument earler in the week, over money and holidays. The argument got a bit heated and I ended up venting my frustration by saying a few true but spiteful things, which I apologised for and I do genuinely feel so bad for.-(even though their was a lot of truth.)

Since then, she wont generate any conversation with me. Just one word answers. We generally speak throughout the day through text or calls, but nothing. she wont reply to my texts. when we did speak, she told me she wanted to just run away!

I love my wife deeply, and it makes me feel sick to the stomach to live with bad feeling..

I'd like other peoples points of view, on the best way of getting this back on track. I feel whatever i do, it doesnt seem to help.

should i just leave her alone to get over it? or try some other approach?

Offred Mon 08-Oct-12 08:48:45

And which part of my posts said sex is bastard men scratching their itch or sex is unimportant? Stop putting words in my mouth.

I said sex is part of the relationship I.e. not independent of it and therefore you can't expect sex to be unaffected by the quality of the relationship. I did not say sex was unimportant or just about men.

Abitwobblynow Mon 08-Oct-12 09:01:42

Love does not ever mean having sex when you don't want to a bit wobbly. That is anti-love. You have some very weird ideas and I happen to know your relationship is a very long way from healthy.

Telling me I am wierd and pathologising my views, does not invalidate the worth of what I am saying Offred.
I acknowledge with great pain that I am in an unhealthy relationship that is ended, but it was not always unloving and we once had a wonderful marriage [crying].

You talk about sex as though it is a violation. Maybe you need to rethink your ideas?
Sex is NOT a violation, when in a loving context like an ordinary, everyday relationship . Haven't you ever not really been into it, maybe a bit distracted about something else, and then it ended up being one of your best????? How is 'not being too into it' (wanting) become FORCE in your mind?

If I love someone and I trust that they love me, if I have entered into a vow (OK, contract if you don't like the thought of vows) to love and cherish someone, then sometimes if I want to, it is an act of LOVE to respond to that person's upspoken wish for - connection, reassurance, soothing - who knows?

ESPECIALLY as I know that I am going to end up enjoying it smile! Why do you assume that sex is ALWAYS a power issue? That is rather sad. I believe it to be a connection/communication issue. Why is that strange?

Abitwobblynow Mon 08-Oct-12 09:05:21

sorry, 'then sometimes if I don't want to' ...

Offred Mon 08-Oct-12 09:10:46

I don't think sex is a violation. I think imposing sex on others is a violation.

Offred Mon 08-Oct-12 09:42:06

I don't think a healthy sex life within a marriage is one where the sex is completely disconnected to the state of the rest of the relationship and therefore unaffected by what is occurring within it either.

I also think that sometimes consenting to sex even though you don't really feel like it and then enjoying it is something entirely different from having a spouse (male or female) who feels angry at you when you don't want to have sex i.e. it isn't that you don't happen to really feel like it but that you are arguing, not speaking and don't want it.

If you, instead of consenting when you didn't really feel like it, said no it wouldn't be ok for your partner to be angry at you then either. Those scenarios are not sex, they are violation.

As far as things go for the op I think it is worrying that his wife doesn't seem to be able to manage sex when she is not drunk. I can see why that's really hurtful for him. However I wonder what is behind this. Why does she not appear to want sex with him at all? How long has that been going on? Why does he think it is manipulative behaviour rather than her just not wanting sex? Why is he angry about it? Why does she want to run away?

I still think it all comes back to the idea of communication and that neither of them seem to be able to communicate properly with each other. There will be ways they are each being unreasonable but they don't seem to be pulling together as much as pulling apart.

Abitwobblynow Tue 09-Oct-12 15:51:07

OK Offred so we are not that much in disagreement.

I think the wife in this case is using the silent treatment in order to not hear uncomfortable stuff that she doesn't want to own; in other words she is controlling him.

I dont' think he should be trying to appease her with flowers or backing down. I think he should be assuring her that he loves her, whilst repeating what he thinks/wants, in a way that is not sneering or judgemental. And his need to feel closer to her is a perfectly good and wonderful desire. She can CHOOSE to disagree, and she can CHOOSE not to comply. But she does need to hear him/he has every right to say what he wants to say, and he mustn't back down from Mrs Spoilt and Huffy!

spookytoo Tue 09-Oct-12 16:31:56

Love does not ever mean having sex when you don't want to

Hmmm, guilty guilty!

We are looking at buying a new house (yippee) so last night in bed I was pondering the dark kitchen units with the light granite tops or the reddish units with the black granite, but DH was feeling amorous.

So I managed my well honed gasps and grunts. Then when DH rolled over to go to sleep returned to my pondering.

Sorry, but some things are just better than sex (occasionally).

spookytoo Tue 09-Oct-12 16:36:22

But DW is being pretty unpleasant, that's not to say OP's comments to her during the argument don't deserve that, but I would suggest they sit down and discuss whether divorce is the way to go.

It's hard to see that she is trying to resolve their marriage with this behaviour, more likely the opposite.

But counselling might solve the problems, but as is stated elsewhere, they must both want it.

DuelingFanjo Tue 09-Oct-12 16:44:03

"then it got onto the normal marital things........like she only has a libido when drunk"

why does this have anything to do with holiays and debt.

You really need to apologise for making it about sex.
Tell her you know you have been an arse to even bring that up in the middle of another argument.
If you are getting turned down often then perhaps she is too tired, upset, turned-off... maybe there are some home truths she could discuss with you about your behaviour which may need sorting out before she feels like having sex with you? Any ideas what they might be?

Offred Tue 09-Oct-12 17:12:44

Yes, I think they are both being unhelpful in a variety of ways but one partner behaving unreasonably isn't a license for the other to tit-for-tat and this I think is in danger of that.

Ok someone might consent to sex to get a new kitchen, bit different (and i think horribly manipulative and really damaging) from your spouse expecting sex in return for the new kitchen. I'm not entirely sure your husband would know you were "giving in" in order to "pay" him for buying you stuff... Maybe he'll get the sex and you won't get your kitchen, what a lovely relationship! I think that kind of idiocy thing absolutely destroys intimacy.

Offred Tue 09-Oct-12 17:14:25

Or is that not what you were saying? Were you just not into it? If so why would you fake it? Again quite intimacy destroying.

avenueone Tue 09-Oct-12 20:55:19

Abitwobblynow really concerned by some of your views, if you are not even speaking to someone and need things (other than sex) resolving why would you have sex with them? - to me that would be very strange.
So I don't see it as a ban but as not appropriate. Your posts make me think you feel she should have sex as and when he says because she loves him - she might just not love him.
My first post talks about how his wife seems to be unhappy with things that may not be all down to the OP and that they need to talk about a whole range of issues.
The first set of posts gave really good supportive advice to the OP and all he could come back with was the sex issue which is why the tone of the posts changed and then you came in.

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