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in love with someone else (unreachable)

(7 Posts)
arequipa Thu 04-Oct-12 14:53:35

DH and I have agreed to split.It's been on and off for 2 years but we kept trying as cant afford to split and our one DS means the world to us. It was triggered by me when 2 yrs ago I fell in love with someone else. Nothing happened with him I think he sensed it. He has 2 DCs and DP and is too decent to do anything even if not happy himself. Maybe he's quite happy with her. I think of him every day, most of the time really, in the back of my mind. All I can do now is focus on earning more and becoming more independent again, it's frightening. I'm 50 soon. At bad things I can't stop crying, feel so dependent on DH. He's kind but patronises sometimes. I threw a bottle at him the other night in fury, injured his arm because when I was telling him how clever he was he said "But you've got great breasts."
In my daydreams Mr Unreachable would never undermine me.....he'd encourage me. Wish I had more self-esteem.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 04-Oct-12 15:00:16

Your plan of becoming more independent sounds the best way forward but I think you need to speed it up, even if that inconveniences you in the short term. 'Mr Unreachable' is probably quite happy staying put and is just an 'imaginary friend' that you think about because you're frustrated by your current set up.

Find a way to get yourself free in the next few weeks. Then the depression will lift.

AnastasiaSteele Thu 04-Oct-12 15:03:05

I'm sorry you've had an emotional affair and that you are splitting up with your DH. Always sad when things end. You don't know what Mr Unreachable would be like in real life though, day to day. They're all annoying in reality at times.

It's within your capabilities to build your self esteem. It might have a positive effect on your behaviour and benefit future relationships - ie make you less prone to emotional affairs and throwing objects confused (As an aside -Was that all it was based on? I don't condone violence, and trying not to have double standards because if a man threw objects, I'd be crying leave the bastard...but my not so DP enjoys making me out to be a cow for throwing a jar of sauce on the kitchen floor. He leaves out the fact that for ten minutes while I ate my dinner he was taunting me for being fat and said it was crap...that's why I ask - so either your temper needs addressing or your relationship, just inquiring which is the issue)

Opentooffers Thu 04-Oct-12 21:39:43

So you may be wrong in more ways than one? Someone who thinks that a person with breast's opinion doesn't count is not so cleaver after all. Still no reason to through a bottle and injure as I'm sure you are aware. Lots of symptoms here that all showing why you should of spilt by now.
Heard the reason against leaving a hundred times that people can't afford it. Sometimes it's true, but often it's an excuse used when change is feared. What people often mean is that their current standard of material living will be hard to maintain. But what price happiness? If you both work and have 1 DS between you it's not likely that you will be destitute. Cut the excuses, sort it out for good. Living in a bad atmosphere is the worst thing for a child.

Opentooffers Thu 04-Oct-12 21:40:58

throw lol

arequipa Fri 05-Oct-12 22:58:47

Thank you for your ideas. Cogito: nothing can happen quickly as I've worked out what I'd be living on. Current income v low selfemployed, still building up business. Couldnt get a mortgage, will have to take half what I get from our flat and see how far it goes. Every time I leave the house and walk through our lovely garden (all my work) I feel sad that someone else will be enjoying it, God knows what place I'll be in. DH said I'm lucky to be getting half of it. He forgets the only reason he was able to earn was that I looked after DS. DH has been studying (couldn't have done it without me he said) and added to his earning power. He can take half money from flat and get mortgage on top.
I'm scared of the effect on DS. He will only see me half the week. He goes away to grannys and later admits to a little cry in bed missing me. DH is insisting on half custody he is as important to him as I am. I do 80% of school runs, so how will DH manage it? DH says he will give me money for DS until he's 18. How much would be fair?
Anastasia: Anger is a problem but that was first and last time I threw anything. Its a buildup, mostly angry with myself, want to not be here any more sometimes - but would never harm myself as DS loves me so much. I'm sorry your DP is unkind and taunting. Will you stay?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 06-Oct-12 07:03:58

You need to talk to a solicitor and get some better information. The starting point is that couples split marital assets 50/50 but, where there are young children involved, sometimes the outcome is that mum and children stay in the property and exH finances their accommodation up to age 18. Access should be agreed on the basis of what is best for the child. I don't know how old your DS is but, if he struggles being away from you for any length of time and you're the one that takes him to school most days, a 50/50 arrangement and/or overnight stays may not be the best thing for him. Maintenance can be agreed between you and you can do some research as to what is fair. The CSA has an online calculator here which is a good starting point for discussion... but a lot of parents make more generous settlements.

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