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domestic violence

(85 Posts)
combobulated Wed 03-Oct-12 20:34:23

I have posted before about my husband being violent towards me. Always people on this board give me good advice but I never follow it and I dont know why. The violent outbursts are not constant and things settle down in between and then boom it happens again.

At the weekend after a row he bit me hard on my back and has bruised all down my arms where he grabbed me I have had enough. I am having to wear long sleeves to hide the bruises as though it is my dirty secret. On Monday morning I walked into a police station to report this but backed out at the last minute.

I dont even know why I am typing this but I need to get it out.

AnastasiaSteele Sat 06-Oct-12 23:32:44

hope you are ok today and getting some peace

foolonthehill Fri 05-Oct-12 16:38:03

the abuse is never constant...even the most obliging of us wouldn't stay for that, it's usually just under what we can emotionally cope with...damaging but not incapacitating...that's why it's so dangerous, we are like frogs in water that has been gradually heated up...we don't realise what is happening and we don't jump out before damage has occurred.

foolonthehill Fri 05-Oct-12 16:35:33

he doesn't have to agree: if you want to you can get an occupation order www.marilynstowe.co.uk/2012/06/01/domestic-violence-how-to-apply-for-an-occupation-order-by-nastassia-burton/ to secure your residency either in order to make him leave and not you, or to return to your home after you have left and a non-molestation order www.esteemmen.co.uk/images/Non-Molestation%20Orders.pdf to protect yourself, your children and your possessions.

really you can sort this out once and for all. Not that there won't be challenges along the way, but nothing you can't cope with. One year ago I was feeling and probably thinking the same way but I have done it, he is out and the DC and I are safe.

If you decide to make a plan and escape there is lots of practical advice and help to be had, and I for one would give you any info you want if it is safe for you to receive by pm, email or post......

you've reached out for help....it's a good first couple of steps you have taken.....keep going.

PS it is safe to PM me if you want to

combobulated Fri 05-Oct-12 16:12:34

The wa site was good if only to see the definition of domestic abuse as sometimes I feel a fraud as its not constant.

I know i dont have to wait to leave but I am just trying to get myself together. I feel so much more positive since even starting this thread even though its just a small step my mindset us different thanks to ur lovely ladies support.

foolon I would like to stay in my house really but I cant ever see him agreeing to leave.

foolonthehill Fri 05-Oct-12 14:30:24

hi. it's a year since I got him to leave (yes you heard right) life is better, children are better.

you could leave just because of what he does to you, but if it's hard to justify that to yourself do it for your children.

It seems like a mountain, but you only have to do one step at a time. We can help with the practicalities, so can WA, so can the police.

You don't have to leave in a hurry next time he flips, you can plan an exit and stay safe.

garlicbutty Fri 05-Oct-12 13:17:53

I'm glad you posted, Combobulated, and are talking to the excellent women here.

When you get through to Womens Aid, it will surprise you how they know what he did & said next. Even if you do nothing else right now, talking out loud will help you see your predicament from an 'outside yourself' perspective. It de-normalises the violence to some extent, and I can see you know you need this.

What he said about wanting to hurt you worse (but holding back) is quite frightening. Whether he meant it that way or not, it was a warning. I think it would be a good idea to go to the police while your injuries still show. And keep calling Womens Aid! Wishing you lots of luck and a following wind smile

AnastasiaSteele Fri 05-Oct-12 13:07:32

I'm glad you have a bit of space.

Was there anything useful on the wa site?

We will hold you to that promise to call the police xx

combobulated Fri 05-Oct-12 12:39:31

Thank you for your concern its not too sore now its just badly bruised. It hurt a lot sunday night but it was mostly my arm where he had grabbed me I think it was quite swollen.

I didnt get to call wa last night but did check their website. He is working nights so I dont see much of him for the next week or so which is a relief. I have made a promise that if anything kicks off between now and when I get out I will leave and call police

Markingthehours Fri 05-Oct-12 03:39:37

Meant to say at the outset - I hope you are not feeling too sore from the bite and that you are healing. Spend as much time away from him as you can and try to get some time to relax. Thinking of you.

Markingthehours Fri 05-Oct-12 03:36:47

Combob - remember that although things are 'back to normal' after the weekend biting/thumping session your h won't have forgotten about it really either. He will be feeling very guilty and ashamed. He will hate himself. And he will then start to feel angry about that - those feelings of shame and guilt are all YOUR fault in his mind. He will resent you and feel angry and probably much sooner than in the past, he will take his anger out on you again.

35 incidents of violence on average before a woman leaves - and the ones who leave it too late? They are the 2 who are murdered every week - who leave their families grieving and traumatized and their children motherless with only a violent father.

Really Combob I think you should be making plans to get out asap. You are NOT safe there.

Don't forget you can ring 999 at the first sign of aggression such as a raised voice or threat.

Natmu Fri 05-Oct-12 01:39:12

I cannot imagine what this must be like for you OP. You are so brave to have got this far. Please keep posting and we will stand by you. Holding your hand....

Lueji Fri 05-Oct-12 01:21:51

Just sending a hug and hoping that all works out.
Stay strong and don't over think it.
You know what you need to do.
Don't feel sorry for him, don't be afraid.

When I decided I had had too much, I just waited for an excuse and left with DS. No packing even.
Our safety was much more important.

Good luck with WA.

HissyByName Thu 04-Oct-12 20:03:15

"Looking back, do you think that if you'd been physically abused you'd have got out from under quicker, Hissy?"

Izzy I was physically abused. But only occasionally at the beginning of our relationship, and again when I was PG and out of work, extremely vulnerable.

Later, when he really went for it again, I was thousands of miles away, 4 storeys up in a building with no lift and a 2 yo. I'd never have made it down to the ground floor with luggage AND the child, so what to leave behind the first time I go?

Even assuming I had got downstairs with luggage and DS, i'd have to find a cab, 99 times out of 100, I'd have been sexually abused, ripped off or both. I'd have to have fleed to a hotel as airport over 300km away.The sexual harassment would be extremely likely in any hotel, even 4 star, it's the culture dontya know. hmm

So no, I didn't get out then. I had to stay put, and wait for the time to come when I could come home.

I came home a few months later, 8m after he followed, I thought he deserved a chance in a normal country to be a more normal human being. I was wrong, but at least I know. I tried. sad

He never hit me again, because in the 8m I had on my own in the UK, before he came back, I'd found MN and knew the score. I didn't have the strength to leave, but I had the strength to resist and to stand my ground. I didn't want to leave, I didn't want to admit defeat, but I should done, I wasted precious time in my life. I just built on that slowly, asking questions, putting 2 and 2 together.

Half of me accepted the blame for him hitting/kicking me. Physical abuse in my story was better than the WEEKS of verbal tearing to shreds my Ex did. At least a kick was over and done with quicker.

the guy that our OP is dealing with is a WHOLE other kettle of fish, he is extremely violent, he is escalating and he sees he is entitled to do whatever he likes.

My dear love OP, you are in danger, I know you don't want to believe it, you don't want it to be so, but please know that we none of us want to believe it, we none of us want to see these men for the monsters that they are. He WILL kill you.

EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US would wave the magic wand, even now, years on, to wipe all that nasty away, to make him normal. We can't make him normal. He's not normal.

Have you read WHY DOES HE DO THAT? By Lundy Bancroft. I didn't for months, but eventually did, after he had left. It took away all the pain I had, all the guilt and the self criticism that was going on the time, i realised that none of it was my fault, that he CHOSE to be the way he was and that he could choose to be nice, but he didn't want to.

Please forgive yourself, you have done nothing wrong, in fact you gave someone a chance, that's never a wrong way to think. He abused you, your trust, and your family, he will not stop, he will only get worse.

he's already being extremely violent towards you, you don't have much time.

Please call WA, you are precisely the woman they need to hear from, you are not making a mountain out of a mole hill, rather the opposite. We've all done that, but you will have the rest of your life to come to terms and heal.

Please don't be a victim, another statistic. Please don't let him do this to you, please save your children, save yourself.

AnastasiaSteele Thu 04-Oct-12 19:39:03

That you have the intention of doing it, that it is on your radar is a huge step. If you can press the buttons, thats ideal, but just thinking about it shows how far you have come already.

If you find yourself lost for words, you have your first post or you can 'just' say, 'my husband is violent', they will work with you to help you tell the story. They will be used to snivelling wrecks, people who can't get the words out. They will have seen and heard it all. Those few words. I know they are big words, but you've managed to type it. The next step is saying it.

We really are rooting for you.

struwelpeter mentioned the freedom programme, if it's as good as the book, that will be a useful resource as well.

Leaving is a process and you have set the ball rolling.

struwelpeter Thu 04-Oct-12 18:58:21

Dear OP, see if there are some support groups in your area or a Freedom Programme. You don't have to be "out" to go, but what is important is that you will be among people who understand your confused feelings and you may very well get the strength to leave. Any fears, confusion about who gets abused and why, their reactions, their tears over a relationship that has fallen apart and the very fact that you'll get all sorts of people in a group - there is no such thing as "typical" people, just typical abuse and that typical cycle of normal, tension followed by abuse followed by make up and promises that are broken. It is his cycle not yours.

susiedaisy Thu 04-Oct-12 17:54:24

Thinking of you op x

lolaflores Thu 04-Oct-12 17:45:46

combo just imagine if you will, a chorus of women, just like on here, cheering you on with nothing but love and hope for you. you are not on your own. even if it feels like it sometimes. if you go into the policestation/women's aid/a hostel. whatever. all of us here are holding you hand and telling you you are doing 100% the right thing and the best thing for yourself and your kids.

combobulated Thu 04-Oct-12 17:36:46

im on my phone on here which is locked he doesnt know the code so he cant view my internet history.

I will call womensaid later when im at home and remove the number

Wolfiefan Thu 04-Oct-12 17:28:05

Just calling is a huge step. If you can't speak you can always call back. Remember privacy. (Here and when you call.)
You should be proud of the steps you are taking.

combobulated Thu 04-Oct-12 17:15:40

yes anastasia i WILL call womens aid. I dont know if I will get the words out but I need to do something.

AnastasiaSteele Thu 04-Oct-12 16:54:07

A little running away fund is a very practical step that will help you. That's a real achievement.

Have you thought about the next step you might take?

Cover your tracks please. Internet history, that kind of thing. (some posters on here and more importantly support organisations will be able to advise). Take care of yourself.

I heard a colleague say something once that really chilled me to the bone-

"A lot of women stay in abusive relationships, but those who leave, leave in two ways: they walk out the door - or they're carried out."

It does sound like his violent treatment of you is getting worse. Do you want to find out how much worse, or do you want to walk out one day and not be hurt any more?"

combobulated Thu 04-Oct-12 16:32:26

I will I actually cant handle anymore. I Have been checking my finances today have managed to save some money this year to give me a headstart should I need it

cestlavielife Thu 04-Oct-12 16:26:38

resolve that the next time any of this happens you will go straight to police no messing about dial 999 .

make practical plans just in case

cestlavielife Thu 04-Oct-12 16:25:47

just remember the cycle of abuse. of course it seettles down in between
that is why/how you keep staying.

www.heart-2-heart.ca/women/page5.htm

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