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domestic violence

(85 Posts)
combobulated Wed 03-Oct-12 20:34:23

I have posted before about my husband being violent towards me. Always people on this board give me good advice but I never follow it and I dont know why. The violent outbursts are not constant and things settle down in between and then boom it happens again.

At the weekend after a row he bit me hard on my back and has bruised all down my arms where he grabbed me I have had enough. I am having to wear long sleeves to hide the bruises as though it is my dirty secret. On Monday morning I walked into a police station to report this but backed out at the last minute.

I dont even know why I am typing this but I need to get it out.

Markingthehours Fri 05-Oct-12 03:36:47

Combob - remember that although things are 'back to normal' after the weekend biting/thumping session your h won't have forgotten about it really either. He will be feeling very guilty and ashamed. He will hate himself. And he will then start to feel angry about that - those feelings of shame and guilt are all YOUR fault in his mind. He will resent you and feel angry and probably much sooner than in the past, he will take his anger out on you again.

35 incidents of violence on average before a woman leaves - and the ones who leave it too late? They are the 2 who are murdered every week - who leave their families grieving and traumatized and their children motherless with only a violent father.

Really Combob I think you should be making plans to get out asap. You are NOT safe there.

Don't forget you can ring 999 at the first sign of aggression such as a raised voice or threat.

Markingthehours Fri 05-Oct-12 03:39:37

Meant to say at the outset - I hope you are not feeling too sore from the bite and that you are healing. Spend as much time away from him as you can and try to get some time to relax. Thinking of you.

combobulated Fri 05-Oct-12 12:39:31

Thank you for your concern its not too sore now its just badly bruised. It hurt a lot sunday night but it was mostly my arm where he had grabbed me I think it was quite swollen.

I didnt get to call wa last night but did check their website. He is working nights so I dont see much of him for the next week or so which is a relief. I have made a promise that if anything kicks off between now and when I get out I will leave and call police

AnastasiaSteele Fri 05-Oct-12 13:07:32

I'm glad you have a bit of space.

Was there anything useful on the wa site?

We will hold you to that promise to call the police xx

garlicbutty Fri 05-Oct-12 13:17:53

I'm glad you posted, Combobulated, and are talking to the excellent women here.

When you get through to Womens Aid, it will surprise you how they know what he did & said next. Even if you do nothing else right now, talking out loud will help you see your predicament from an 'outside yourself' perspective. It de-normalises the violence to some extent, and I can see you know you need this.

What he said about wanting to hurt you worse (but holding back) is quite frightening. Whether he meant it that way or not, it was a warning. I think it would be a good idea to go to the police while your injuries still show. And keep calling Womens Aid! Wishing you lots of luck and a following wind smile

foolonthehill Fri 05-Oct-12 14:30:24

hi. it's a year since I got him to leave (yes you heard right) life is better, children are better.

you could leave just because of what he does to you, but if it's hard to justify that to yourself do it for your children.

It seems like a mountain, but you only have to do one step at a time. We can help with the practicalities, so can WA, so can the police.

You don't have to leave in a hurry next time he flips, you can plan an exit and stay safe.

combobulated Fri 05-Oct-12 16:12:34

The wa site was good if only to see the definition of domestic abuse as sometimes I feel a fraud as its not constant.

I know i dont have to wait to leave but I am just trying to get myself together. I feel so much more positive since even starting this thread even though its just a small step my mindset us different thanks to ur lovely ladies support.

foolon I would like to stay in my house really but I cant ever see him agreeing to leave.

foolonthehill Fri 05-Oct-12 16:35:33

he doesn't have to agree: if you want to you can get an occupation order www.marilynstowe.co.uk/2012/06/01/domestic-violence-how-to-apply-for-an-occupation-order-by-nastassia-burton/ to secure your residency either in order to make him leave and not you, or to return to your home after you have left and a non-molestation order www.esteemmen.co.uk/images/Non-Molestation%20Orders.pdf to protect yourself, your children and your possessions.

really you can sort this out once and for all. Not that there won't be challenges along the way, but nothing you can't cope with. One year ago I was feeling and probably thinking the same way but I have done it, he is out and the DC and I are safe.

If you decide to make a plan and escape there is lots of practical advice and help to be had, and I for one would give you any info you want if it is safe for you to receive by pm, email or post......

you've reached out for help....it's a good first couple of steps you have taken.....keep going.

PS it is safe to PM me if you want to

foolonthehill Fri 05-Oct-12 16:38:03

the abuse is never constant...even the most obliging of us wouldn't stay for that, it's usually just under what we can emotionally cope with...damaging but not incapacitating...that's why it's so dangerous, we are like frogs in water that has been gradually heated up...we don't realise what is happening and we don't jump out before damage has occurred.

AnastasiaSteele Sat 06-Oct-12 23:32:44

hope you are ok today and getting some peace

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