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domestic violence

(85 Posts)
combobulated Wed 03-Oct-12 20:34:23

I have posted before about my husband being violent towards me. Always people on this board give me good advice but I never follow it and I dont know why. The violent outbursts are not constant and things settle down in between and then boom it happens again.

At the weekend after a row he bit me hard on my back and has bruised all down my arms where he grabbed me I have had enough. I am having to wear long sleeves to hide the bruises as though it is my dirty secret. On Monday morning I walked into a police station to report this but backed out at the last minute.

I dont even know why I am typing this but I need to get it out.

combobulated Wed 03-Oct-12 22:58:31

thank you anastasia and wolfie i appreciate ur support

AnastasiaSteele Wed 03-Oct-12 23:01:11

You are always welcome, keep posting if you need and stay safe thanks

jaffacake2 Wed 03-Oct-12 23:02:08

Please think seriously about your life.
Is this what you want from a marriage ? You are worth more.He is treating you as a possession he can kick,bite,beat. You are allowing him to do this.
When will you leave him?
2 yrs when he breaks an arm
5yrs when your head is so muddled with constant beatings that you cannot see how to leave
Or maybe never and you will be old wondering why you were never properly loved and just constantly abused.
But then life has finished
Get help now.

AnyFucker Wed 03-Oct-12 23:11:17

You will always find a kind word, sometimes said plainly, for you here. All respondents want what is best for you.

He is going to hurt you very badly, very soon. Do you have dc ?

catwomanlikesmeatballs Wed 03-Oct-12 23:31:50

I appreciate that it's very hard to leave him because when he's not being a violent prick I'm sure he's got many fine qualities that attracted to you him in the first place, it's hard to leave a relationship because we become so attached to the other person and even dependent on them in some ways so cutting ties is painful and complicated.

You have to realise that he is not going to change, his violent behaviour will probably escalate until he causes serious permanent harm to you. He has already proven himself capable and unwilling to take responsibility for his own actions. You have to find the strength within yourself to recognise that you must take the temporary pain, fear, loneliness that will come with leaving him to protect yourself from the future hell this man will most likely put you through.

Think about the time that he will lose it with you and won't be able to 'control' himself from doing worse. It will happen, you don't want to end up disfigured, disabled or dead, he's not worth it.

You know what you need to do. Do it.

HissyByName Wed 03-Oct-12 23:34:36

Please know that you're among friends here, we've been there, some of us have got out, and MN got us there.

This is your time now.

HissyByName Wed 03-Oct-12 23:35:44

Meant to say, NONE of us WANTED to leave, but we knew we had to.

Dryjuice25 Wed 03-Oct-12 23:38:24

Please op, only you has the power to make this pain stop.

You will find someone who will treat you better and in as much as you don't want to leave, I'm deely disturbed by the fact that he actually said that he held back, like it's something to be thankful for!!!!

I really hope one day you get that final straw and I hope it will be soon. You are not safe and i'm extremely fearful for you.

izzyizin Wed 03-Oct-12 23:44:55

Women are no longer constrained by economic dependence to stay in violent or abusive relationships, wannabe.

In this instance, as she is working and has a supportive family, it would seem the OP is not socially isolated and has the werewithal to leave without reporting to the police if she so chooses.

I share AF's opinion that the OP is at risk of seriously bodily harm or worse and it is my belief that she should take steps to secure her safety, and that of any dc who may be living with her, as soon as possible and, preferably, before she is subjected to further physcal assault.

I have no doubt that you wouldn't intentionally seek to place the onerous burden of fearing for your physical safety on a colleague, combobulated, but, when confiding matters of this nature to those who are powerless to intervene, it's expecting a great deal of them to not worry about what they've been told.

By the same token, my concern for your welfare won't cease until I learn that you are no longer in danger of becoming one of the more serious statistics of domestic violence along with many others who erroneously believed that it couldn't happen to them, or that violence was evidence of love.

To that extent, I'm not going to encourage you to do anything other than get the fuck out, or get the violent fucker out, of your home as a matter of urgency.

AnyFucker Wed 03-Oct-12 23:48:10

Will you come back to this thread, love ?

Dryjuice25 Thu 04-Oct-12 00:03:56

Maybe op knows one colleague well or is her RL friend who might be an invaluable catalyst who will be prepared to hold op's hand to get things moving in the right direction ???? In that case I don't see why op can't use this avenue .....

izzyizin Thu 04-Oct-12 00:16:49

The catalyst for Tina Nash was losing her sight. The catalyst for the OP may be the plastic surgery she'll need if he bites a chunk out of her.

If you don't wish to involve the police, combobulated, at least go to your GP and have your injuries documented so that you have evidence to support an application for an occupation Order which you can use to keep him out of your home.

AnastasiaSteele Thu 04-Oct-12 06:37:19

Indeed dryjuice

combobulated Thu 04-Oct-12 06:42:56

Yes we have children. Thanks for ur replies I know this isnt going to stop I know I need to leave I'm just scared of the future thats why I havent left already.

Thank you for taking the time to reply to everyone I Really appreciate it.

combobulated Thu 04-Oct-12 06:46:31

And yes you are quite right I have some brilliant friends at work have worked there for over ten years and I suppose I thought once they knew I would have to leave so thats why I wanted to confide in them.

AnastasiaSteele Thu 04-Oct-12 06:57:18

Combobulated that's exactly what I did. I wrote a lengthy post on the EA thread but in a nutshell, I moaned about my boyfriends twatty behaviour, and after a short while, a work friend pointed out that it was more sinister. She's been hoping I would get some support. I picked up the phone to an organisation. Yesterday, I went to a session. I didn't want to go to it. I got there, I cried and wanted to go. The sole reason I stuck it out was that I couldn't face her ringing to ask how I got on and having To say id chickened out. By the end, I was glad I had stayed.

Please ring the number I posted if you can be brave it.

Thank you for coming back here. It can be overwhelming.

izzyizin Thu 04-Oct-12 07:16:13

I very much doubt that the OP could have chosen a better catalytic medium than this board but, given that her only other post in her present guise has to do with her choice of dress for a party, it seems that she elects to live in a state of denial.

Always people on this board give me good advice but I never follow it and I dont know why If the OP were to stick around and follow through, she may be able to come to some understanding of why she puts up with dv and the knowledge she gains may enable her to put an end to it.

As my numerous responses to various other posts will testify, I'm not given to alarmism but, when several years of being beaten with fists escalates to being beaten and bitten, it will only be a matter of time before the OP suffers serious injury or worse.

Under the circumstances the only advice that can be given to this OP, and to others like her, is to get the hell out before it's too late as too late can come a lot sooner than they may prefer to believe

susiedaisy Thu 04-Oct-12 07:38:10

Agree completely izzy

izzyizin Thu 04-Oct-12 07:40:58

Due to need to fire up the java machine, I managed to xpost.

I'm glad to see that you're back, combobulated, and sincerely hope that you won't disappear this time.

It seems you think that if you confide in colleagues you'll lose face if you don't leave/stop the rot. Do you want people you work with to know about your vulnerabiity?

Wouldn't it be better to maintain the esteem they currently hold you in by making the break, or getting him out of your home, and telling them after the event, so to speak?

If you go to a police station and tell an officer about his latest attack on you, you'll be given all the help you need to bring about a future that you and your dc can move into with confidence rather than fear.

Alternatively, you can visit www.womensaid.org.uk and begin the process that will give you and your dc the life you deserve.

Please don't discount the most valuable resource that is your 'supportive family' as I have no doubt they will rally to your cause and their only concern will be to secure the safety of you and your dc.

HissyByName Thu 04-Oct-12 07:41:29

Izzy, we all do what we have to do when we're ready. Frustrating as it is to watch, but we can't make the decision for her.

The fact that 2 women a week are killed before they find that strength, i would hope, makes the OP listen to you, and the others, to ask questions, and ask for help.

Op, its just one single step in the end.

The hardest step, but as soon as the step is made, i promise you, the second is easier, after the third, let the momentum and the sound of all of us cheering you on carry you to freedom and safety.

HissyByName Thu 04-Oct-12 07:50:00

You're scared of the future, if you leave?

That's the biggest myth.to bust, you get to live wih no violence, no punches, kicks, bites. No name calling, derision, belittlement.

Your dc are learning from him, they could end up under his power and take over where he leaves off, abusing you.

That happens to many of us that leave it too late.

Its now, your time is now, you have to save your dc, you have to save yourself.

The support is here, your work will help, and hopefully your family.

There's many of us, many to support you, and there's him. A biting bully that will kill you, or perhaps the dc, just.to get to you. There seems to be a recent spate of it.

Save your family, get it away.from him.

izzyizin Thu 04-Oct-12 07:52:01

Looking back, do you think that if you'd been physically abused you'd have got out from under quicker, Hissy?

izzyizin Thu 04-Oct-12 07:56:46

Xposting is us smile

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 04-Oct-12 08:45:08

If you wish someone would notice, replace the long sleeves with short ones. That's all you have to do. Make his shame public rather than hiding the truth. The rest will naturally follow

izzyizin Thu 04-Oct-12 09:25:32

That has spawned 'fell down the stairs', 'bumped into the door', when enquiry is made, Cog.

It can take a while before light dawns that a self-professed accident prone colleague is a victim of dv, and by then it may be too late.

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