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unplanned pregnancy and don't know what to do.....

(94 Posts)
lemoncookie Wed 03-Oct-12 15:35:18

I found out yesterday that I?m pregnant, and this was totally unplanned and bad timing. I?m about 2 weeks pregnant. I have an appointment tomorrow to find out for sure how far I am.

Background: I?ve been dating DP for 5 months. I genuinely love and care for him. He already has a 3 yr old DS to his XP and has to travel 1 hour to pick him up. I live even farther away from his son. The reason he?s living in this area is because of his son. His family lives 5 hours away. Prior to yesterday, we?ve talked about marriage and children. I already made plans to spend the Christmas holiday with his family and son. We made these plans a couple months ago. We?re very sure we want to be together. We have plans to travel, marry, etc.

When I told him yesterday that I was pregnant (via phone), his immediate response was that he would 100% support whatever choice I make. Later, when he came to my house, I asked him his preference. He told me he wanted me to get an abortion. He feels like our timing is completely off. He made the point about how our living situations don?t coincide right now, he has to worry about being close to his 3-year-old son, and that we don?t have family support. As I said, his family lives 5 hours away, and I was raised by my grandparents who are too elderly to watch a baby (we both hold full time jobs). He pointed out that we had plans to travel, marry, etc. I agree with all that.

DP doesn?t see anything inherently wrong with abortion being that I?m only 2 weeks. He said he sees it as a mass of cells and not a child at this point.
I agree that the timing couldn?t be more awful. I wanted to marry and make his son my stepson. I wanted to build a life together and have children later. The thought of having a child right now terrifies me.

I can?t help seeing the pregnancy as a child, though. I feel like an abortion would be wrong. I don?t know how I could ever feel like I deserve another child if I would abort this one.

I?m really struggling, though, because the last thing I want to do is bring an unwanted child into the world. I know he doesn?t want this baby at this point in our relationship. I grew up without a father. I don?t want to force him into a situation he doesn?t want to be in. Plus, our relationship is so new. I know this is legally my choice, but I feel he should have a say in this, too. He keeps telling me over and over that he will support my decision. I just don?t know what to do.

AnastasiaSteele Wed 03-Oct-12 15:48:48

You seem to be talking more of what he wants than you.

What do you want? I can tell you don't want an abortion...is that the same as wanting a child? Is there a chance you want a child?

It's your body and your choice ultimately. I'm sure he's shocked right now, and while he's said some words to indicate support 'whatever', reading between the lines, it sounds like you are being put under a degree of pressure.

How old are you?

How important are these plans? Are they more important than a baby? (Because you know life happens when you're making other plans, as the chestnut goes).

look after yourself, you must be so stressed.

Dahlen Wed 03-Oct-12 15:49:14

You take him at his word. He's told you his preference but that the decision is yours to make, which makes him sound like a decent guy TBH. And it is you decision because it's your body and your life that will be primarily affected.

Sounds to me like you already know what you want to do and are just looking for reassurance that it will work out. No one can give you that, but it's a fairly safe bet that your relationship and life will suffer if you go ahead with an abortion that you don't really want.

Good luck.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 03-Oct-12 15:51:54

Don't panic is the first thing. Give yourself some time to think it through properly and balance up the practical considerations with the emotional ones. If you feel an abortion would be wrong that pretty much trumps everything else. In a similar situation as you 13 years ago I opted for motherhood because, even though everything was utterly wrong, I really couldn't have lived with the alternative. If your boyfriend says he'll support you, I'd take him at face value

lemoncookie Wed 03-Oct-12 16:00:45

I'm 30 years old. I've never been married and don't have children. I want children someday. I didn't want a child in 9 months.

I got out of an abusive 3 year relationship and was in counseling for 8 months before I tried dating again. I'm shocked that I'm pregnant after 5 months of dating DP. I wanted to have a wedding and buy a house together maybe in 9 months....not become parents.

This guy is truly good, though. Prior to the pregnancy, I was happy and at peace in my life for the first time in my dating history. He wants me to be happy. He doesn't want another child right now, but he told me that what matters most to him is me being in his life forever.

Both abortion and parenting are incredible to me at this point.

lemoncookie Wed 03-Oct-12 16:02:50

I just don't want to do this to him. I don't want to put him in this situation where he's balancing a child here and a child there and a family 5 hours away. The timing is just dreadful.

itsallinmyhead Wed 03-Oct-12 16:03:11

I believe very strongly that regardless of the decision you make, you must make the decision you feel/ believe is the correct decision for you.

It's great that you want to take on board your DP's preference but you have to do what you feel is right, irrespective of his preference.

The timing might be crap but this is probably one of the hardest decisions you'll ever have to make so as you believe you are only a couple of weeks gone, you have time to seek specialist support to allow you to make a well informed choice that you believe is the right choice.

MillyStar Wed 03-Oct-12 16:03:30

He might say he doesn't want the baby but if he is angood dad to his other child then I'd bet my life he would adore yours aswell

I was in the same situation as you last year, bf was completely against me keeping the baby, we now have a 5 month old daughter who is the centre of our universe

As a mother a baby is a baby the second you are pregnant, I think blokes need to see/hold the baby before they realise what it means

Do what's right for YOU xx

lemoncookie Wed 03-Oct-12 16:10:58

Do you all really believe it's right for me to have this baby against the father's wishes?

Honestly, what I'm thinking is that I have to have the abortion. I don't want to put him in this situation.

I feel responsible for getting pregnant. You see, I've never been on birth control since I lost my virginity at 19. I've always used natural planning and known my body well. I must have unknowingly ovulated twice last month. He trusted me.

I also believe that I have to break up with him if I have the abortion. I know in my heart that I'll never believe that I deserve another baby.

skiesmylimit Wed 03-Oct-12 16:27:41

My partner begged and begged for an abortion, we had been together for 5 months.

He has since apologised and thanked me as we have our now 3 and a half year old right infront of me splashing me whilst he's in the bath

It was hard to go against his wishes, and was hard with the arguing because of it.but now we are both so thankful I didn't. We are now married and have a DS2, 5 months old. We wer young with our first, 18. But I managed.

Do what YOU want. Not what anyone else wants. Its your body, your the one that would have to go through the procedure/birth. Your the one with prime parental responsibility.

I hope you make the decision which you feel is best for you.and one which you won't regret xx

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 03-Oct-12 16:29:23

If you have the baby it would not be against his wishes, it would be in favour of your wishes. And, as regards responsibility, if he'd wanted to be very sure there would be no children he could have used barrier contraception rather than just relying on your natural planning. You haven't therefore put him anywhere that he couldn't have chosen to avoid.

lemoncookie Wed 03-Oct-12 17:50:58

I just feel such a range of emotions.

One minute, I can't imagine aborting this pregnancy. I imagine he would come around to the idea of it, and we would make it work regardless of the bad timing.

The next minute, I can't imagine keeping this pregnancy knowing I don't have a willing father. Abortion makes sense. I think about moving on together and believe our relationship is strong.

Another minute passes, and I want to abort the baby and break up with him. I don't think I'll ever feel good about wanting another baby with him.

lemoncookie Wed 03-Oct-12 17:53:31

I just texted him what I just posted, and he responded that I would know I made the right decision in time after the abortion was over and we moved on together.

He genuinely sees this pregnancy as nothing more than a mass of cells and not a baby.

I feel angry with him for not sharing my same feelings, but I can't possible expect him to feel the way I feel. He's entitled to his opinion!

And I can't shake the idea that this is just as much his choice as mine.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 03-Oct-12 18:00:58

He's had his say but ultimately it's your call. You're already feeling very different towards that 'mass of cells' and the reason for that is that it's part of your body, and it's not part of his. He can't tell you to remove it - which is what this amounts to - any more than he could tell you to have your appendix taken out. It is wrong for him to pressure you in any way. When I discovered I was pregnant with DS his father never once uttered the word abortion. If he had, I'd have had nothing but contempt for him.

lemoncookie Wed 03-Oct-12 18:09:05

Yes, I feel very resentful. Yet, I feel he's entitled to say his preference. I'm truly at a loss.

I don't know what to do.

Doha Wed 03-Oct-12 18:11:10

I think if you have the abortion it will be the end of your relationship anyway. As you said you could not imagine being pregnant to him again and if you want DC's in the future you will not be with him.

Put every thing aside--you have a bit of time to decide what to do. Please do NOT consider his feelings as he is NOT condisering yours when he asks you to abort.

MummysHappyPills Wed 03-Oct-12 18:12:19

I was with my dp for 3 months when I got pg. when I asked him honestly what he wanted when I told him, he said a termination. However I wanted to keep the baby, and he was delighted in the end, we are still together and he dotes on dd.

Just do what YOU want. He has already said he will stick by you no matter what. smile

hoopieghirl Wed 03-Oct-12 18:13:04

You have asked his opinion and he has given it to you.
Ultimately you have to make the choice. Follow what your heart tells you to do. You need to live with this decision for the rest of your life no matter what you choose..

MummysHappyPills Wed 03-Oct-12 18:13:52

He's entitled to be honest about his preference, but it is YOUR body, YOUR decision and you have to live with your choice, so do what YOU want.

Doha Wed 03-Oct-12 18:21:40

And if he was so so against a pregnancy at this time HE should have taken precautions---it takes 2 remember.

lemoncookie Wed 03-Oct-12 18:23:43

I'm just so confused. My gut reaction is to keep the pregnancy. I feel awful telling him that I'm keeping it despite his feelings.

I'm going to think about it for the next couples days.

lemoncookie Wed 03-Oct-12 18:25:43

Yes, and this has happened to him before. His 3yr old DS was conceived accidentally, as well.

I feel awful, though. He knew I wasn't on birth control, but he also trusted me.

Doha Wed 03-Oct-12 18:31:15

Well lemon if it happened to him before -trust or no trust--he was very very stupid NOT to take precautions to prevent it happening again.

Don't you dare take all the blame for this.

<< gentle slap about the head--only gentle mind>>>

SuperSlattern Wed 03-Oct-12 18:32:08

Please remember, it is easier for him to detach from the pregnancy and baby.

He won't have to go through the abortion itself.

Mollydoggerson Wed 03-Oct-12 18:39:41

He knew you weren't on birth control, so what did he trust you to do????

I think you should go and speak to someone at a Well Woman Clinic asap.

You may have other choices, other than abortion. I thought there was a termination pill for up to one month after conception? (it's been many years since I've had to think about these things).

If you decide to proceed with the pregnancy, give consideration to being a single mother, things are rosie now, but it didn't work out for your partner the last time and you guys are only together a couple of months. So if you proceed, go into motherhood with your eyes wide open.

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