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Men just want to be mothered. Discuss.

(112 Posts)
zozzle Wed 03-Oct-12 12:31:07

I think all DHs deep down just want you to be their mother with other benefits attached - sex, good conversation etc!

I mean in terms of being looked after - ie. ordered house for the weekend, food on the table when they get in from work, shopping and washing taken care of etc.

MY DH likes shopping to be all put away by time he come home from work on Fri night - doesn't like tripping over shopping bags when he comes in etc - health and safety issue apparently! I think he should just be glad that someone is doing the shopping and that someone isn't him! I have 2 days "off" a week when I'm not at work and feel it should be up to me when that shopping gets done in those 2 days. At least it's done before the weekend, and even if it wasn't is it a big deal?

And where does being a feminist fit in, if this is a male basic need (have read many books that say it is a fundamental male need!)

Any ideas?

MaBaya Sun 07-Oct-12 13:00:10

We may disagree on other things, Charbon, but I absolutely 100% agree with that last post. Good point, well made.

SammyTheSwedishSquirrel Sun 07-Oct-12 12:41:32

My husband doesn't want to be mothered. He's the one who cares for me. He does the shopping and puts it away. He cooks for me as he worries I don't eat properly. He's a sweetheart.

Charbon Sun 07-Oct-12 12:35:09

I often see posts that excuse unacceptable male behaviour and women's choice to tolerate it, by arguing that if a man isn't violent or sexually unfaithful, failure to do domestic tasks isn't really that bad in the scheme of things and even more bizarrely, that women have no choice other than to put up with it because it would be totally unreasonable to end a relationship over something so trivial.

Laziness and the expectation that someone will complete dull, uninteresting but necessary tasks every day of their lives simply because she is a woman surely is a big deal in an adult relationship. If women choose to accept that role and stay with someone with those expectations, then they are signing up to wasting away years of their lives, not only the cumulative total of hours spent on dross but because of the years they could have been occupied doing something more interesting, either on their own or with a partner who was a fully-functioning adult.

BertieBotts Sun 07-Oct-12 10:35:48

How does it fit in with feminism if it's a basic male need... well, that's kind of the point grin Your books are wrong, just because something's written in a book, it doesn't make it true. Feminism challenges the notion that men need running around after.

Sorry, but no. Some men do act as though all women are in the "housewife" category. Most likely, they genuinely believe this through years of bollocks conditioning that's been spewed at them. They, or their wives, are probably writing the books! I'm sure that many women also find comfort in this role being a "defined" one, feeling needed, etc, but it doesn't have to be the case, at all.

If you feel like all men are like this, it's probably because people in general tend to gravitate towards those with similar opinions and worldview, and also because it is a prevailing view in popular culture too. (Feminists would say under patriarchy) It's really not the case though - I know plenty of men who are perfectly capable of running a house by themselves and don't need mothering. Once your eyes are opened, then IMO it's hard to find a man who is in this infantilised/child state attractive.

expatinscotland Sun 07-Oct-12 10:25:11

'Have you ever thought that maybe these women dont have a choice? If you are in a good relationship then it is easy to look down on others not in one. It is not always possible to leave. If a man or indeed woman expects their partner to always do as they say and do the majority of the work it is controlling and disrespectful and a form of abuse.'

There is always a choice. No one is looking down on people but you're entitled to your opinion.

Most commonly, however, it's a case of one person being a lazy, selfish, self-entitled twat.

JessePinkman Sun 07-Oct-12 01:18:00

Zozzle (op) was on here moaning that her dh expected her to do more housework than him.

Because he works five days a week and she works three days a week.

If you don't like being at home work full time. Don't come spouting that men are babies. My dh is not a man child, but if he works out of the home and I am more at home I guess I am going to do more housework, and yes keep it out of the weekends so we can have fun together.

Why have you raised the same topic, do you just want to be told that you shouldn't have to contribute?

PorkyandBess Sun 07-Oct-12 00:52:21

My husband does not want to be mothered, which is a good thing because I would have zero interest in mothering him.

Friends I have that have this sort of archaic set up are the ones that constantly moan about their lot/partners.

WorkingMummyof1 Sun 07-Oct-12 00:08:44

Expat - thank you for your response but honestly you are getting the wrong end of the stick - the OP does indeed seem to apply the mothered approach to all men, but as i pointed out i do not - of course it is not all men. However depending on which culture you are part of it can seem like most men. But yes you are right it is not good to generalise.

Your tone seemed aggressive to me bcos eg here you appear to call anyone who does the bulk of work an appliance. That is also judgemental (though that is your right of course). Have you ever thought that maybe these women dont have a choice? If you are in a good relationship then it is easy to look down on others not in one. It is not always possible to leave. If a man or indeed woman expects their partner to always do as they say and do the majority of the work it is controlling and disrespectful and a form of abuse. Some ppl are able to leave such relationships others are not. But you were equally disrespectful to call those ppl an appliance - very dismissive indeed.

riverboat Sat 06-Oct-12 15:04:10

oops an extraneous 'do it himself' slipped in there...here's hoping its nothing too Freudian...

riverboat Sat 06-Oct-12 15:01:54

Well if we're making random observations, my DP sometimes looks at porn yet does half the housework without comment or complaint and has never indicated he expects me to do more. Beyond the fact that it would mean he didn't have to housework himself, do it himself, I am pretty sure he'd be horrified if I turned into some sort of wifey house-proud Martha Stewart/Anthea Turner hybrid.

Cooking aside of course - thats a different issue wink

Charbon Sat 06-Oct-12 14:05:05

If yours was the only post that said the same thing MaBaya, I'd be inclined to agree, but it's not and there's much more research in any case to suggest the connection. The OP's returned to the other thread now and so I'm hoping there won't be any more debating on there, as she needs our help. If you're interested in people's views about female porn use, it might be worth starting another thread in Relationships or Feminism.

OTheHugeManatee Sat 06-Oct-12 14:00:51

And apols if anyone has made this point before but 'Women just want to be fathered' sounds pretty revolting. Switch it round and it's still pretty offensive, not to mention acting as a get out of jail free card for the minority of men who actually are lazy twats.

OTheHugeManatee Sat 06-Oct-12 13:55:21

Disagree. DH really appreciates love, support, sharing the jobs to be done but this morning he was up at 730 cleaning the kitchen and dusted and hoovered the whole house while I finished off some painting and decorating. I never get the sense that he'd feel hard done by if I'm not running around after him offering to wipe his arse. On the contrary, I think he'd be a bit confused

MaBaya Sat 06-Oct-12 13:50:35

Thats an interesting observation@Charbon...there may well be some truth in that...but taking a sample of three men probably isnt the best way to draw conclusions about such a vast issue, in my opinion.

Additionally, people are complex creatures. I cant draw an accurate character portrait of my DH, or any other man I have had a relationship with, on an internet forum....so probably best not to analyse my life too deeply!

I'd be interested to know your thoughts on female porn use...but over on the other thread, perhaps...

expatinscotland Sat 06-Oct-12 13:41:45

It's a discussion, WorkingMum. The thread title invites the posters to discuss. LOL @ aggressive. If disagreeing that all people of a particular gender feel a certain way and my not putting up with a partner who disrespects me and the work I do or doesn't pull his fair weight in life means I'm aggressive and judgemental, that's fine with me! Rather be that than someone's domestic appliance.

biscuit

Charbon Sat 06-Oct-12 13:35:24

This probably isn't etiquette, but I noticed your name MaBaya as the last poster - and we've been discussing porn on another thread. Interesting that your DH is an example of a fully-functioning adult and he isn't a porn user, whereas from what you said on the other thread, his predecessors were and lo and behold, you describe them like you have on this thread.

I really do think there's a connection.

MaBaya Sat 06-Oct-12 13:34:11

Ha! My ipad typing skills are just awful. That obv should have read 'strong' (took me three attempts to type that correctky, btw!). I am far from stringy grin

riverboat Sat 06-Oct-12 13:29:56

lol at "He likes string women". I have a bizarre picture in my mind now...

bakingaddict - yes, DP always does the table setting/clearing/dishwasher loading when I cook, so it's fair in that sense. It's more just the days where I get in late and tired and can't be bothered to think about cooking - it NEVER occurs to him to take it upon himself to sort out the meal any more, even in these circumstances. He does it if I ask though, to be fair. But it's always something very basic, like a piece of fried meat with tinned veg, or pasta in a ready made sauce, or the forementioned instant noodles! Then again, this is what he used to eat when he lived alone (up to a few years ago) and he's perfectly happy eating that kind of stuff, so I can't suddenly expect him to turn into Masterchef now...

At least we split the rest of the jobs pretty evenly. He cleans upstairs, I clean downstairs. We both pitch in with the laundry as and when. He does all the ironing, I do all the food shopping. All things considered it's really quite equal I suppose.

MaBaya Sat 06-Oct-12 13:16:43

Being WITH him.. And sorry about all the ipad typos!

MaBaya Sat 06-Oct-12 13:16:09

I think a LOT of men are like this, but not all.

My two serious exes before I met DH were basically like this. They wanted to be nurtured, cooked for, massaged and stroked physically and metaphorically with the old ego grin and 'serviced' sexually. They both had bossy housewife mums and old school 'grt my dinner on thetable' dads...dont know if that was the root of it?

DH is nothing like that. He is very capable domestucally, doesnt like being fussed over and is a proper grown up. He likes string women. His main adult rekationships with women have been with four (inckuding me) tough cookies who dont baby or pamper him. I tell you what...its been a revelation being him! So much less hard work.

bakingaddict Fri 05-Oct-12 18:25:07

Dont think expat has been aggressive at all, been chuckling at most of expat's responses

I have two days a week off, if DH tried to suggest that I should do all the shopping, cleaning, household stuff etc he'd be sleeping in the loft room till he came to his senses. Dont set yourself up to be a drudge and you wont become one, from the outset of the relationship make it clear that you expect him to pull his weight too.

Riverboat, I do all the cooking as although DH can cook he isn't very confident but I do this on the understanding that it's his responsibilty to clean the kitchen each night. Works well as I hate cleaning up and he does a better job of it than me anyway!

missvague Fri 05-Oct-12 18:18:50

I think the experiences of the household you grew up in have a huge impact on how you want your own household to run. I grew up with the theory that relaxing comes after chores, so I like to have everything sorted before I unwind for the night or weekend. Having stayed with IL's, I'm now realising that DP did not grow up like that. Stacks of dishes from several meals can be left on the table, kitchen sides, washing baskets left overflowing etc and no one is bothered. A massive clean up (I assume) happens eventually. I can't live like that, so despite my DP being willing and able to do his share, I often can't wait for it to happen. We are learning to compromise a bit now, I'm chilling and he's accepted that clearing the table after a meal is nicer than finding grotty leftovers when you come down in the morning...

WorkingMummyof1 Fri 05-Oct-12 17:51:34

By the way i wonder where the OP Zozzle has disappeared to... any luck changing your DP's point of view OP?

WorkingMummyof1 Fri 05-Oct-12 17:50:42

riverboat - exactly - it is tru that some of these neanderthals (thank you for the phrase KatieScarlett!) have been encouraged by their partners offering to do more/being better at it, but it is their fault ultimately to think instant noodles is the same as a proper home cooked meal and taking advantage of the situation - nip it in the bud River!!!

WorkingMummyof1 Fri 05-Oct-12 17:48:01

catwoman yes that is a much more accurate and politically correct thing to say smile

the type of man referred to by OP and myself are a different batch of people altogether "neanderthal" minded men. but probably the OP will also defend her neanderthal to say that he is a nice guy really. the mentality these men have was prob common (note i said common and not unanimous readers feeling irate) in the "old days" but is bcoming extinct.

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