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Men just want to be mothered. Discuss.

(112 Posts)
zozzle Wed 03-Oct-12 12:31:07

I think all DHs deep down just want you to be their mother with other benefits attached - sex, good conversation etc!

I mean in terms of being looked after - ie. ordered house for the weekend, food on the table when they get in from work, shopping and washing taken care of etc.

MY DH likes shopping to be all put away by time he come home from work on Fri night - doesn't like tripping over shopping bags when he comes in etc - health and safety issue apparently! I think he should just be glad that someone is doing the shopping and that someone isn't him! I have 2 days "off" a week when I'm not at work and feel it should be up to me when that shopping gets done in those 2 days. At least it's done before the weekend, and even if it wasn't is it a big deal?

And where does being a feminist fit in, if this is a male basic need (have read many books that say it is a fundamental male need!)

Any ideas?

ClippedPhoenix Fri 05-Oct-12 15:50:04

Your DH sounds like a sexist arse OP. Unfortunately there are a lot of them about.

Working Mummy, I'd have binned his sorry arse if he changed into a neanderthal after the "honeymoon period"

I did it before and I'd do it again.

Which is probably why I'm so, erm lucky , I guess.

Not.

expatinscotland Fri 05-Oct-12 16:52:15

' If a man is loving, loyal and honest, but doesnt do the dishes it's not a crime. you cannot break up with someone if you have kids just bcos they are acting lazy - but yes like ZigZag did they should be "trained" hehe. Anyone who has lived in student flats/with family will know that some people naturally do more than others.'

It's not about doing the dishes, it's about someone who feels all domestic work is female responsibility because he has a penis.

And 'training' is for dogs, not adults.

I lived in student flats before, had lazy flatmates. And MOVED.

Because I'm not interested in living with people who have no respect for themselves or others and think the world owes them a get-out-of-life free pass.

So yes, I have binned and would bin any 'partner' who doesn't respect me. Because love is respect. I give it out, I get it in return.

Life is too short to put up with someone who has no regard for you.

WorkingMummyof1 Fri 05-Oct-12 17:04:33

KatieScarlett and expat - see what you are saying...but then we are not all perfect - some issues are more important than others to some people. some people stay with partners that hit them - that in my opinion is crossing the line. however this issue in my opinion is not that serious - life is short, but also long - sometimes you have to carry your partner, other times they will carry you - faith can return good things. if it doesnt at least you can say you tried. often ppl go through a depressive phase in their lives - if their family gave up on them that would be sad. as long as no one is getting hurt and the good of the relationship much outweighs the bad. additionally parenting is an important factor - if someone sees that their Mother went through life doing everything and if they see other female members of their family continuing the traditions then in their view they are not "so bad". whether you want to accept this bias in a partner is another matter.

expatinscotland Fri 05-Oct-12 17:08:08

And some people just see themselves as domestic appliances.

Fair enough. Make your bed, lie in it but don't assume all people of a particular gender behave a certain way because you decided to chain yourself to someone who shows all the time that they don't really give a toss about you or the work you do.

I'm far from being perfect, but my self-esteem is fully functional.

As expat said, respect is a two way street. I couldn't respect a lazy neanderthal regardless of his otherwise redeeming qualities.

Married 18 years, two teenage DC, very happy. The story would be very different if DH was as described above. I wouldn't have married him, for starters.

WorkingMummyof1 Fri 05-Oct-12 17:21:43

Did not say at any point ALL people of a certain gender behave like this...if that is what it appeared to be it was unintentional. All I was saying is that I agree with the OP with regard to men like this - I know quite a few sadly - cultural/generation thing i think. however i also know many men who are the opposite in my own family - of course.

OP is having a hard time with this particular issue - she needs sensible ppl like you to tell her that that is not normal behaviour - but she also needs to hear from those in a similar situation to her e.g. many of us hate travelling on crowded public transport but we do it out of necessity, we alos grumble about it.

This is what I meant previously abt your "aggressive" tone - which being on a forum you may display - however just to also point out this is not the AIBU thread - it is relationships. do you usually scoff at all ppl who discuss a problem with you? if you don't agree with something that is your right, but don't be so hasty in putting on your "judgemental" hat.

It also works the other way around - some women would hate for a man to offer to carry something heavy for them or let them walk through a doorway first, other women would expect it....

WorkingMummyof1 Fri 05-Oct-12 17:24:13

sorry above post to expat!

KatieScarlett - yes but if your hubby went through a rough patch and you were already married with kids - would you leave him if he did not help out so much at home - if everything else was fine except this one thing?

Yes, it's very, very important to me that I am respected and not taken for granted. I have teenagers and would not ever want to set them the example that woman=housework, man=lazyarse.

WorkingMummyof1 Fri 05-Oct-12 17:28:16

Good on you Katie.

catwomanlikesmeatballs Fri 05-Oct-12 17:34:20

I think it's just your individual partner, lots of people from both genders who are lazy and expect their partners to run around after them like servants, perhaps men are more likely to be that way for cultural reasons but that's probably changing because people nowadays spoil their kids equally! I've never been attracted to men like that, it's who you choose to go out with, not their gender that determines how you are treated.

riverboat Fri 05-Oct-12 17:43:31

I agree with the poster who said that surely we ALL want to be looked after, its not a male/female thing. My DP would probably be thrilled if I took it upon myself to start doing all the washing/cleaning/ironing - but so would I if it happened the other way round! Realistically neitherof us wants or expects the other to do all the work.

I suppose I can see how easy it would be to slip into a traditional 'woman does all housework, man does DIY and barbeques' pattern though...at the beginning DP and I shared all the cooking, but I started doing more because he a) is shit and b) doesn't enjoy it. Whereas I am quite good at it and quite like doing it. So I'm happy to do more, but somehow its now got to the point where it's tacitly expected that I do it every night, and unless I cook something we end up eating instant noodles at 10pm...hmm, maybe I need to address this, thinking about it...

WorkingMummyof1 Fri 05-Oct-12 17:48:01

catwoman yes that is a much more accurate and politically correct thing to say smile

the type of man referred to by OP and myself are a different batch of people altogether "neanderthal" minded men. but probably the OP will also defend her neanderthal to say that he is a nice guy really. the mentality these men have was prob common (note i said common and not unanimous readers feeling irate) in the "old days" but is bcoming extinct.

WorkingMummyof1 Fri 05-Oct-12 17:50:42

riverboat - exactly - it is tru that some of these neanderthals (thank you for the phrase KatieScarlett!) have been encouraged by their partners offering to do more/being better at it, but it is their fault ultimately to think instant noodles is the same as a proper home cooked meal and taking advantage of the situation - nip it in the bud River!!!

WorkingMummyof1 Fri 05-Oct-12 17:51:34

By the way i wonder where the OP Zozzle has disappeared to... any luck changing your DP's point of view OP?

missvague Fri 05-Oct-12 18:18:50

I think the experiences of the household you grew up in have a huge impact on how you want your own household to run. I grew up with the theory that relaxing comes after chores, so I like to have everything sorted before I unwind for the night or weekend. Having stayed with IL's, I'm now realising that DP did not grow up like that. Stacks of dishes from several meals can be left on the table, kitchen sides, washing baskets left overflowing etc and no one is bothered. A massive clean up (I assume) happens eventually. I can't live like that, so despite my DP being willing and able to do his share, I often can't wait for it to happen. We are learning to compromise a bit now, I'm chilling and he's accepted that clearing the table after a meal is nicer than finding grotty leftovers when you come down in the morning...

bakingaddict Fri 05-Oct-12 18:25:07

Dont think expat has been aggressive at all, been chuckling at most of expat's responses

I have two days a week off, if DH tried to suggest that I should do all the shopping, cleaning, household stuff etc he'd be sleeping in the loft room till he came to his senses. Dont set yourself up to be a drudge and you wont become one, from the outset of the relationship make it clear that you expect him to pull his weight too.

Riverboat, I do all the cooking as although DH can cook he isn't very confident but I do this on the understanding that it's his responsibilty to clean the kitchen each night. Works well as I hate cleaning up and he does a better job of it than me anyway!

MaBaya Sat 06-Oct-12 13:16:09

I think a LOT of men are like this, but not all.

My two serious exes before I met DH were basically like this. They wanted to be nurtured, cooked for, massaged and stroked physically and metaphorically with the old ego grin and 'serviced' sexually. They both had bossy housewife mums and old school 'grt my dinner on thetable' dads...dont know if that was the root of it?

DH is nothing like that. He is very capable domestucally, doesnt like being fussed over and is a proper grown up. He likes string women. His main adult rekationships with women have been with four (inckuding me) tough cookies who dont baby or pamper him. I tell you what...its been a revelation being him! So much less hard work.

MaBaya Sat 06-Oct-12 13:16:43

Being WITH him.. And sorry about all the ipad typos!

riverboat Sat 06-Oct-12 13:29:56

lol at "He likes string women". I have a bizarre picture in my mind now...

bakingaddict - yes, DP always does the table setting/clearing/dishwasher loading when I cook, so it's fair in that sense. It's more just the days where I get in late and tired and can't be bothered to think about cooking - it NEVER occurs to him to take it upon himself to sort out the meal any more, even in these circumstances. He does it if I ask though, to be fair. But it's always something very basic, like a piece of fried meat with tinned veg, or pasta in a ready made sauce, or the forementioned instant noodles! Then again, this is what he used to eat when he lived alone (up to a few years ago) and he's perfectly happy eating that kind of stuff, so I can't suddenly expect him to turn into Masterchef now...

At least we split the rest of the jobs pretty evenly. He cleans upstairs, I clean downstairs. We both pitch in with the laundry as and when. He does all the ironing, I do all the food shopping. All things considered it's really quite equal I suppose.

MaBaya Sat 06-Oct-12 13:34:11

Ha! My ipad typing skills are just awful. That obv should have read 'strong' (took me three attempts to type that correctky, btw!). I am far from stringy grin

Charbon Sat 06-Oct-12 13:35:24

This probably isn't etiquette, but I noticed your name MaBaya as the last poster - and we've been discussing porn on another thread. Interesting that your DH is an example of a fully-functioning adult and he isn't a porn user, whereas from what you said on the other thread, his predecessors were and lo and behold, you describe them like you have on this thread.

I really do think there's a connection.

expatinscotland Sat 06-Oct-12 13:41:45

It's a discussion, WorkingMum. The thread title invites the posters to discuss. LOL @ aggressive. If disagreeing that all people of a particular gender feel a certain way and my not putting up with a partner who disrespects me and the work I do or doesn't pull his fair weight in life means I'm aggressive and judgemental, that's fine with me! Rather be that than someone's domestic appliance.

biscuit

MaBaya Sat 06-Oct-12 13:50:35

Thats an interesting observation@Charbon...there may well be some truth in that...but taking a sample of three men probably isnt the best way to draw conclusions about such a vast issue, in my opinion.

Additionally, people are complex creatures. I cant draw an accurate character portrait of my DH, or any other man I have had a relationship with, on an internet forum....so probably best not to analyse my life too deeply!

I'd be interested to know your thoughts on female porn use...but over on the other thread, perhaps...

OTheHugeManatee Sat 06-Oct-12 13:55:21

Disagree. DH really appreciates love, support, sharing the jobs to be done but this morning he was up at 730 cleaning the kitchen and dusted and hoovered the whole house while I finished off some painting and decorating. I never get the sense that he'd feel hard done by if I'm not running around after him offering to wipe his arse. On the contrary, I think he'd be a bit confused

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