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Men just want to be mothered. Discuss.

(112 Posts)
zozzle Wed 03-Oct-12 12:31:07

I think all DHs deep down just want you to be their mother with other benefits attached - sex, good conversation etc!

I mean in terms of being looked after - ie. ordered house for the weekend, food on the table when they get in from work, shopping and washing taken care of etc.

MY DH likes shopping to be all put away by time he come home from work on Fri night - doesn't like tripping over shopping bags when he comes in etc - health and safety issue apparently! I think he should just be glad that someone is doing the shopping and that someone isn't him! I have 2 days "off" a week when I'm not at work and feel it should be up to me when that shopping gets done in those 2 days. At least it's done before the weekend, and even if it wasn't is it a big deal?

And where does being a feminist fit in, if this is a male basic need (have read many books that say it is a fundamental male need!)

Any ideas?

DuelingFanjo Wed 03-Oct-12 14:30:19

If a man has a basic need for shopping to be put away within a set time the surely he should be doing it the fuck himself?

Someone else put it rather better than me a few weeks ago... how come all these men on the one hand expect things to be ordered and sorted (By someone else) but on the other hand don't do stuff themselves because 'men just don't see mess'?

Anyone given aninch will take a mile. If you have a man child it's because you let him be one FFS.

MrsMangelfanciedPaulRobinson Wed 03-Oct-12 14:31:49

LOL ginhag about the 1950s library!

OneMoreChap Wed 03-Oct-12 14:36:43

DuelingFanjo
how come all these men on the one hand expect things to be ordered and sorted (By someone else) but on the other hand don't do stuff themselves because 'men just don't see mess'?

I'd agree with the second bit (I don't think I do). DW again left a pile of shopping on the dining room table to see how long I'd leave it there. Sunday morning, when I went to lay the table.

I wasn't in the least concerned it was there, and wouldn't expect her to put it away.

DuelingFanjo Wed 03-Oct-12 14:45:13

"I wasn't in the least concerned it was there, and wouldn't expect her to put it away"

but clearly she was annoyed that you never put it away if she left it there as a test. Does she ever talk to you about you making more effort to help? If so then wouldn't it be nicer for all concerned for you to stop, look around, think 'right, let's have a look and see if there might be anything around that I need to help put away/tidy up/get out the way'?

Or are you trapped in a cycle of her getting pissed off and you not seeing?

noddyholder Wed 03-Oct-12 14:45:51

This depends on what you consider 'mothering'

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 03-Oct-12 15:01:15

<Warning... gross generalisation alert.... gross generalisation alert>

'Mothering' may not be What Men Want, but I've certainly found in my long and distinguished career as A Bit Of A Babe that they pretty much all respond to 'flattery'. It's a fairly shallow observation I grant you & I'm not going to aggrandise it to a 'male basic need', but I haven't met one yet that didn't start purring at the suggestion that, contrary to popular opinion, they were really rather wonderful... <unwraps latest man from little finger>.

I think noddy has a great point. My goal as a parent is (like my goal as a teacher) to make my role obsolete. I want there to be a point where I'm not needed any more, that's when I will feel like I've done my job well. (And when I will demand to be taken out for lunch and showered thanks and praise wink )

DH and I want to teach my DSes all the important life skills they need (from potty training to cooking to less obvious all emotional self-nurturing stuff grownups need to know) - so that one day they don't need us any more, they can do all that stuff for themselves.

I don't want to get them to a certain age/size/height and foist them off, still helpless babies, onto some other poor bloody mug to look after. My goal is to teach them how to look after themselves.

I wouldn't stand for a man that wants to be 'mothered' in the way the OP describes. When I read it I thought "no, that man doesn't want a mother. he wants a housekeeper. And who doesn't? Someone to clean, cook, and keep the house nice? Who wouldn't want that? I know I do!"

I believe men that need to be mothered is mostly their mothers fault in the way they were bought up. For example if mummy did all the laundry for lad at 18+ and made packed lunch etc thats where the problem roots from isn't it?
I think once a child turns 16/17 for example they should be expected to help out with household chores or they'll have no hope in the real world.
My mil for example made her dd packed lunch up until she left home at 28 every single day and even made her bed shock-these mothers think they are doing well by their child but they are not. They are simple letting their child think "its ok i have mummy skivvy!

OneMoreChap Wed 03-Oct-12 15:04:42

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 03-Oct-12 15:01:15
/<unwraps latest man from little finger>/.
Boak

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 03-Oct-12 15:09:16

grin Go on... deny it...

OneMoreChap Wed 03-Oct-12 15:09:28

DuelingFanjo Wed 03-Oct-12 14:45:13
Does she ever talk to you about you making more effort to help?

Of course she does.
See
That's unacceptable, so I hoover weekly, whether it needs it or not
I have an ongoing honey-do list.

I'm a scatterbrain, so I have routines; I do washing this day, I do this sort of cleaning another day.

I don't see some things. I work at behaviours that minimise the impact on our family.

Or are you trapped in a cycle of her getting pissed off and you not seeing?
No, not as far as I know, but you know, if we were, then we might... err talk about it?

OneMoreChap Wed 03-Oct-12 15:10:54

CogitoErgoSometimes

You know, you look lovely in that dress; it really picks up your eyes.
<self-induced boak>

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 03-Oct-12 15:17:56

And it's perhaps because you <boak> that you have a wife who leaves you test piles of shopping ....

Mayisout Wed 03-Oct-12 15:30:38

Was reading Gransnet and it is amazing how many men are secret Kim and Aggies - on retirement they can suddenly advise you on all aspects of housework and keep you right! Something to look forward to girls.

ZigZagWanderer Wed 03-Oct-12 15:43:07

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OneMoreChap Wed 03-Oct-12 15:44:42

I <boak> at flattery "unwinds man from finger"; it smacks of "Oh yes darling, you look wonderful, and your bum doesn't look big in that".

She didn't leave me a test pile as such; she wanted to see what would happen.
[I now check to see if there's a washing basket on the table, when I pass: learned response grin ]

noddyholder Wed 03-Oct-12 15:51:50

My ds is 18 and at home today from college with a terrible chest infection. I have been out got him a paper and a costas hot choc and benilyn and basically treated him like I would anyone who is ill and a bit like when he was 6! He has really enjoyed it but would find it highly irritating if he wasn't sick grin.

Lueji Wed 03-Oct-12 17:11:03

Why do you have two days off a week?

Lucky??? LUCKY??????

I'm not lucky.

I'm also not a mug.

seeker Wed 03-Oct-12 18:12:24

"For a lot of men this is true. For those of you who say that your men do things by equal measures - you don't know how lucky you are."

I'm not lucky. I just waited until I found a adult to fall in love with.......

noddyholder Wed 03-Oct-12 18:56:59

We need a clapping emoticon

BethFairbright Wed 03-Oct-12 19:06:38

I'm always surprised when some women fail to realise that if you treat some men like children, or idiots who can be manipulated by false flattery, they will er....behave like children or idiots. I could have no respect for a man who wanted to be mothered by a sexual partner, or for one who couldn't tell when he was being manipulated. Without that level of respect, what's the point?

motherinferior Wed 03-Oct-12 21:13:29

I have lived with three men.* They were/are all perfectly competent adults. Annoying, yes, in their different ways, and not always perfect in the domestic sphere but then neither am I. I don't consider myself remotely 'lucky' for having fetched up with them.

*Successively. Not all at the same time. I get tired quite easily.

cerealqueen Wed 03-Oct-12 23:05:12

Do you work full time OP?

WorkingMummyof1 Fri 05-Oct-12 15:40:15

ZigZagWanderer - wow the only person who seems to appreciate that there are men who have the "i want to be mothered" approach - however:

expat, seeker and all others on the same line as "if you do all the housework at yours and don't speak up you are a sucker, should have waited for an adult before getting married etc":

sometimes people change - some people are wonderful for the first few months/years of a relationship - then they can change depending on circumstances/emotional/mental health etc - just bcos a person is lazy does'nt make them "binnable" - some of these men have been brought up to think that way and this pre-conditioning leaks out even though they think themselves quite modern. If a man is loving, loyal and honest, but doesnt do the dishes it's not a crime. you cannot break up with someone if you have kids just bcos they are acting lazy - but yes like ZigZag did they should be "trained" hehe. Anyone who has lived in student flats/with family will know that some people naturally do more than others.

i emphasise again - if you have found someone who is your equal in a relationship - you are lucky (not saying it is only luck of course, yes you need to be a good judge of character and work at the relationship), but just look at all those posts here on MumsNet/talk to someone at a family shelter - so many abusive/selfish/cheating idiotic people out there making their partners and childrens lives miserable. ideally everyone should be "good", but look beyond your households and you will see that not everyone is. Not doing the dishes in comparison seems very minor - but it is something the partner might have to live with and they have a right to complain if they wish. You can ask an adult to change but if they dont and its a "minor" thing would you really abandon them?

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