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AIBU to expect ex to at least let me know about moving DD3 into a proper bed at his house?

(44 Posts)
paranoidandroidwreckmyownlife Tue 02-Oct-12 21:08:14

Ex and I have a not great history. Been apart 6m, he's now with his 21 yr old co-worker who he swore he wasn't having an EA with. She was staying at our marital home within a few days of us officially splitting, he now stays at hers as I rightly went nuts about him having her stay in our home. I'm trying to get a sale through the courts. Lots of EA over the years, very controlling, reading lundy he's a water torturer, death by a thousand papercuts! I'm still v upset and angry at times, have had to completely detach, access done via my DM. I've said I don't want to talk to him, will discuss DC's via email or text but nothing else unless via solicitors or mediators. That way he can't 'push buttons.'
Last night I emailed him to say DS2 had an open eve at prospective senior school later in the month. Did he want to take him or should I? Thought I was being a considerate co-parent.
Tonight DC's ring me to say goodnight, his night to have them. DD2 tells me that he's moved them into a different room (not a problem), but then that he's put DD3 (2yrs 5m) into a cot bed. No discussion, no warning that he was thinking of it, even though it will affect her continuity between homes and how she sleeps here. Also she has preschool in the morning, so if she's really tired it may affect how she settles there. Been ok so far, but they do say she can be a little emotional if tired or has a cold etc.
I just think it's completely inconsiderate and his usual self absorbed self to not realise that this should be a joint parenting decision, as say properly starting potty training would be. Aaaahhhhh, talk me down please!!

ChasingSquirrels Tue 02-Oct-12 21:15:16

I think you are being unreasonable about the bed. He has to be their parent when he has them, he gets to make those choices. At 2y5m it isn't as if she isn't in the ball park for this change.
Different rules apply in different households, unfortunately children with parents who aren't together have to learn this.
I really don't think the bed they sleep in is a joint parenting decision.

McKayz Tue 02-Oct-12 21:18:47

I think you are being unreasonable. It is just a bed. My DSes have completely different sleeping arrangements here and at their Dads. It doesn't affect them at all.

Lueji Tue 02-Oct-12 21:19:07

Personally, I don't see much of a problem.

Potty training maybe, although, personally I'd have been happy for an ex or nursery to go through that. smile

Children can sleep in different beds when sleeping in different locations. It shouldn't be a big issue

paranoidandroidwreckmyownlife Tue 02-Oct-12 21:23:10

Ok, thanks, but do you not think he should have at least told me what his plans were so I could do similar here to keep continuity. Our DC's have had such a rough time over the last year or so. I would have thought that would be the considerate thing to do, esp since he kicked off big time last summer about me moving DS2 to hot school dinners from packed lunches without asking him first. And it was always me that made the lunches anyway. It seems like it's one rule for him, and another for me.
I've never been a big fan of rushing to get DC's into a proper bed, or potty training. When they show signs of needing to move on I'm all for doing it, when they are ready.

adrastea Tue 02-Oct-12 21:27:36

Sorry, I also think you're being a little unreasonable over the big. I don't think it's a big deal at 2y5 and not a major parenting decision that would need prior discussion or agreement. I've got 50/50 custody with my ex (since DS was 3) and it is a big adjustment even in a completely amicable split so I have sympathy, but I do think this is one to let go. Children, even that young, are able to adapt to doing things differently at different places/homes.

adrastea Tue 02-Oct-12 21:28:23

'over the bed', sorry, not 'big' smile

SammyTheSwedishSquirrel Tue 02-Oct-12 21:29:34

OP, do you think you should have to inform your ex if you make changes regarding what you do with your children in your home?

ChasingSquirrels Tue 02-Oct-12 21:31:35

I didn't tell my ex when i moved my similarly aged DS to a bed.
He didn't discuss with me the beds he had brought them for his house.
Its a bed, it really isn't a big deal.

There are obviously other things that are pissing you off, and these may be justified. But i really don't think the bed is.

SammyTheSwedishSquirrel Tue 02-Oct-12 21:36:20

<runs away from previous poster>

DorisIsWaiting Tue 02-Oct-12 21:44:26

the school dinners thing was just controlling on his part. You ensured they were fed whilst in your care. It is not his decision. But back away from the bed debate save your energy for bigger battles (like senior school decisions!).

paranoidandroidwreckmyownlife Tue 02-Oct-12 21:44:40

Sammy, he's often demanded I do! I emailed him about an open eve at senior school for DS2, I guess I wrongly expected similar consideration.
It propably will affect DD3 here, she's only just in the last few months become a good sleeper, we had 18m of sheer hell with her and her reflux. No sleep for at least 1yr without many night wakings. I just don't like to rock the boat where he routine is so settled currently.

SammyTheSwedishSquirrel Tue 02-Oct-12 21:51:45

His demands aside (that's just him being controlling), do YOU think you should? If you wanted to get a new bed for one or change their bedrooms do you think you should clear it with him first?

paranoidandroidwreckmyownlife Tue 02-Oct-12 22:05:08

If I was to move her from cot to bed, (in my view a big move) or start potty training properly, then yes I would have the consideration to email him on such issues. But then, that's just me. I hope she's not exhausted for preschool tomorrow, she normally loves it, but can get emotional when tired or poorly. After 18m of her being so poorly, I hate it when she's not a happy little poppet like she so often is nowdays.

WaitingForMe Tue 02-Oct-12 23:05:47

I hope DH and I didn't upset his ex when we moved DSS2 from a cot to a bed but it never occurred to us to tell her.

sausagesandwich34 Tue 02-Oct-12 23:11:10

why would he need to tell you?

you have no control over what he does in his time and he has no control about what you do in your time -whether he thinks he does or not

school, obviously you should communicate about but where they sleep, what food they eat etc -it's up to each parent to decide the rules in their own home

ChasingSquirrels Tue 02-Oct-12 23:21:04

duh Sammy have only just realised WHY you are running away from me - I kept reading and re-reading my post

maytheoddsbeeverinyourfavour Tue 02-Oct-12 23:27:28

I'm sorry but I also think you're being unreasonable

Emailing him about an open evening or school related things is a bit different, but other than big joint decisions (education, medical, religion etc) then what each of you do when they're with you (barring abuse of course) is nothing to do with the other parent. If he is trying to control you then this will benefit you as much as him

You have to learn to let the small things go, it takes a while for everyone to get used to the new arrangements when people split up, if you try and control and manage every little thing you will drive yourself crazy

BackforGood Tue 02-Oct-12 23:34:27

Agree with everyone else (which, if you are a regular, you'll know doesn't happen a lot on AIBU).
YABU I'm afraid. Whatever the relationship between you, he is as much their parent as you are. What he decides appropriate at his house is his call, same as you get to make the decisions when they are with you. Children cope fine with "In this house...., in that house...."

paranoidandroidwreckmyownlife Wed 03-Oct-12 00:46:57

Ok thanks. Guess I'm just very sensitive over everything still, especially continuity and routine for the little ones. Still trying to rationalise our new way of life, and yes very emotional and still a bit resentful of the situation he's pushed us into.
I suffered a bit as a child with vastly differing ways of living between my mum's and my dad's house, but guess that was when I was a bit older than DD3.

Technoviking Wed 03-Oct-12 09:03:28

Blimey, my ex didn't tell me she'd moved her new boyfriend in or had a baby. While also moaning that I didn't tell her stuff.

Count yourself lucky smile.

SammyTheSwedishSquirrel Wed 03-Oct-12 09:05:42

duh Sammy have only just realised WHY you are running away from me - I kept reading and re-reading my post

grin

paranoidandroidwreckmyownlife Wed 03-Oct-12 13:41:46

My poor DD3 is currently utterly distraught at going for her nap in her cot. She's not 100% well and is so tired she's yawning and crying in temper at the same time. I just keep trying to resettle her.
Guess I'll have to get a little bed for her now, but this is exactly why I thought consideration for and communication with the other co-parent should be important. The only one suffering really is my poor DD. I'm off to cuddle her now, which although won't help our settling issues, is what she needs.

paranoidandroidwreckmyownlife Wed 03-Oct-12 16:33:04

Technoviking, that's appalling behaviour from your ex. Did you have children together? Why are there so many selfish people out there who won't recognise how their behaviour will impact their own children? sad

adrastea Wed 03-Oct-12 21:45:43

She's not 100% well and is so tired she's yawning and crying in temper at the same time.
Poor DD, I really hope she feels better soon. Children of that age do cry and become distraught, especially when they are tired and under the weather. That could happen whether the bed changed, whether you and ex were happily together or in any situation. She is suffering tonight because she's tired and not well, all 2.5 year olds have nights like that.

Guess I'll have to get a little bed for her now
You'd have to soonish anyway, regardless of whether ex got one or your marital status etc.

If she's upset over the cot/bed issue, she's telling you that she doesn't want to be in a cot anymore, not that there's a continuity issue. Sorry if I sound like I'm being a cow, but you will feel better if you're able to feel more OK about these things. http://www.amazon.co.uk/Putting-Children-First-Handbook-Separated/dp/0749928042/ is a really good book, by the way with loads of tips and ideas for communication.

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